Dick Cheney And The Scammer Brigade

Before beginning, in regards to the former vice president of the title, I doubt he'd much approve of what follows. And that's okay. Because I don't much approve of him.

No matter that they're ignored, deleted, and treated like garbage, they never stop: the spammers and the internet scammers. They attempt to leave comments at our posts or send us junk email for things we don't like. Spam filters usually catch the lot of them, but not always. I check my junk folders just in case- periodically things that are not spam end up as such. And sometimes spam ends up getting past the filters and getting published as a comment. Not for long though- the moment I see it, the faster it is disposed of in the inferno of the spam folders where it belongs. And every once in awhile, an attempted internet scammer email shows up. Such as this short one, which found its way to my email account some days ago.

Hello Dear,

This is to officially inform you that a total of $ 3Million USD has been donated to you by Halliburton Company.The Halliburton Company, an American multinational corporation, is one of the world's largest oil field service companies, with operations in more than 80 countries. You have been selected as one of the STAR prize winner.

Kindly contact via Email: claimscenter0299@gmail.com Send your Name, Tel number: and Address to proceed.

Thank you.

Mary Mansfield

Ah, yes, some of the hallmarks of the traditional homo sapien scammeritus annoyingus. The overly familiar greeting starts it all off: "Hello Dear." This from someone I've never met, taking liberties with me already. First off: nobody calls me dear. Least of all a total stranger trying to swindle money out of me. Second, it's called capitalization rules, dumbass- there's no need to capitalize dear.

Capitalization is an issue throughout, with words that are capitalized that don't require it, as well as spacing and punctuation issues, all hallmarks of the scammer. Spelling isn't as big an issue as I've seen with other scammers, though winner really should be winners. 

But then there's the claim about Halliburton.

Seriously? 

A company that's made a killing for decades off of pillaging, destroying, taking, and war mongering is going to "donate" three million in US currency to me? A company that embodies the very essence of what most people find utterly repugnant? A company that savaged civil rights and enabled the dark side of the Force mentality behind those who brought you the Iraq War (aka Iraq 2: This Time It's Personal) all for the sake of the almighty dollar? That Halliburton? 

You didn't need to do the Wikipedia copy and paste job either, Mary. We all know what Halliburton is.

This guy helped them make a bloody fortune back in the day.

Yes, Halliburton. The oil multinational firm of eternal darkness that profited handsomely off of the Iraq War. Home for many a year to Dick Cheney in between Administration jobs, where he was CEO for a time, and where he cast his baneful glare out over Middle Earth. 

Wait. 

No. I take that back. 

That was a grave insult. To Sauron, who at least had lines he would not cross.

Sauron, I apologize. We all know you wouldn't have shot your lawyer friend in the face.

Yes, Dick Cheney, who never saw an opportunity to spew venom that he would pass up on. Dick Cheney, the ultra vindictive, ultra partisan Dark Lord of the Sith who took his lessons in evil from Emperor Palpatine himself and then outdid his master. The former vice president you would never want to go hunting with. The same man who mused that torture was a good thing, that violating civil rights was something to be shrugged at, and who pretty much masterminded the debacle that was the Iraq War.

That guy.

Dick Cheney, lord of darkness and the stuff of nightmares. We're talking about a guy who has already lived longer than he should, courtesy of a donor heart to replace the black void that was there before. Side note to the doctors: that black void is Dick Cheney, and is working on consuming the donor heart, so in about five years, you'll be putting another heart into the evil old bastard's chest cavity, depending on how much loose change from his Halliburton stock he wants to use to buy one.

You're expecting me to believe, Mary, that a company that isn't known for generosity but is known for unbridled greed and a total lack of ethics, a company that's still tight with the Prince Of All Evil, is going around giving out money to complete strangers.

Nice try, Mary. Or whatever the hell your real name is, because let's face it, it's not Mary Mansfield. Mary Mansfield is the name of someone you expect to be running a bed and breakfast in the New England countryside, not spending time trying to scam people online.

 Like all of your predecessors in the internet scammer game, you're barking up the wrong tree. I've gotten quite used to your methods and tell tales, and starting off with "Hello Dear" set my Scammer Sense (similar to Spider-Sense) going off full tilt.

Why don't you try this little stunt somewhere else? Like on a hunting trip with the Master of Evil himself?

Breaking Out Of The Big House

Well, that's done. I'm free and clear. Out of the joint. On the lam. Released from the cooler. Yesterday I was released from thirty days in stir (otherwise known as thirty days of totally wrongful and unjustified suspension) from Facebook Jail. Or as I like to call it, the Chateau d'If. It was time well spent, mind you. This American pilot was in his cell throwing baseballs against the wall and asking what I know about moles. An old priest was helping me dig my way out and making mention of a treasure in a place called Monte Cristo. And Morgan Freeman was narrating the whole escape sequence.

It had been quite awhile since my last suspension, but I've been suspended before from Facebook. Each time it was for violating their so called "community standards". Each of those times I would swear up and down that I never came close to violating their community standards. That said, Facebook offers no avenue of appeal, and offers only silence to any objection to a suspension. They throw you out without so much as a second thought and never respond in any meaningful way. In the long run, that sort of thing is going to wind up destroying the site. Just putting that out there.

In those thirty days, I was restricted to viewing only. No posting, no likes, no messages. I know I've missed several birthdays. During a previous suspension, I even missed my own birthday- the height of irony, getting the automatic message from the dirtbags who suspended me in the first place: a happy birthday greetings from Facebook. 

This particular time, as I mentioned in a post earlier this month, it was for insulting a member of Ford Nation (come to think of it, a previous suspension had been for insulting another Ford Nationite). But the remark in question didn't come close to violating their community standards. To be honest, if you were going to throw me out, the other guy's remarks were worse, and would have warranted the same. But no, if you're a repeat offender (totally unwarranted, again, I'm just saying), Facebook tells you in their own way to go fuck yourself and tosses you out for a month. Or more. 

The community standards, of course, are a joke, a two faced hypocrisy. I've lost track of how many times I've reported remarks that have crossed the line, and yet in Facebook's opinion... "that does not violate our community standards." I've seen white supremacists, racists, bigots, and all sorts of hate mongering filth get away with whatever they want to say. Take this, for instance. 

"Whites are always gonna be the dominant race and everyone is hating on that fact. Call us racists all you want, fix your own situations before blaming the whites for ur problems (see Africa)"

That comment comes from an accountant of all things in my home town. And yet Facebook finds that comment perfectly acceptable. A comment that a white supremacist would love. Let's face it, the guy is a white supremacist. We've got a few of those extremist organizations up here too, unfortunately.

But he gets a pass from Facebook, which persists in throwing people out for no just cause, without so much as an opportunity to object or argue against it. It is nothing more than rank, two faced hypocrisy.

I know where the impulse to be snarky with jerks, twits, and knuckle-dragging buffoons comes from. The plain fact is that I spent far too much time being civil to assholes (the various exes of my sisters come to mind, and let's be honest, there are good reasons I'd prefer to never speak to my sisters themselves either, so they qualify for the title too). And that was all for naught.

So these days I don't see the point in being civil to assholes and biting my tongue.

Especially when it's so much more fun treating them with the derision and contempt they deserve.

I suppose it's just a matter of time before I get suspended again, and surely there'll be a betting pool running on how long that takes. I'm not surprised when it happens. This is the nature of what the site has become. It proclaims itself a social network and yet proving to be anything but. It throws one person out without cause, while giving free rein to hate mongerers. Sidewinding, two faced, sanctimonious hypocrites.

To Mark Zuckerberg and the rest of the hypocritical howling jackals at Facebook, I can only sum up things in this way.

Stopping The End Of The World, Canadian Style

With that Independence Day sequel turning up in theatres soon, I got to thinking of how, in all these end of the world disaster films, with perhaps the exception of The Day After Tomorrow, there's never really a mention of what might be going on in Canada. This is my response, set a couple of centuries and a half down the line.

Alien Invaders Wreck Havoc On Planet Before Being Throttled By Red Serged Hellion

February 5^th, 2267 (CP). The world is struggling to put itself back together after an invasion of alien beings across the globe destroyed cities and landmarks, laid waste to entire nations, and wiped out millions of lives. In what has been designated the biggest cataclysm to ever come across the planet since the Trump Temper Tantrum of November 9^th, 2016, scores of cities were destroyed by the space faring Tawrae race of reptilian extra terrestrials, bent on destruction just for the sake of destruction.

“My great-great-great-great grandfather Giorgio told you people it was aliens,” Dimitri Tsoukalos told reporters after the great cataclysm had been turned back. Referring to an early twenty first century ancestor who appeared on programs on ancient aliens and who had strange hair, the young Tsoukalos was busy trying to figure out where his Athens area home had gone to after the Tawrae had wrecked havoc in Greece.

The British Royal Family, who took refuge in Scotland at Balmoral while London was being demolished, are reportedly all accounted for. Queen Kylie III has issued a statement, declaring that “the people of Great Britain will carry on, will always rise up, and will never miss afternoon tea again. Now where are my corgis? I didn’t leave them at the Palace, did I?”

The French military, which in the last century had risen up to new heights of might (a curious thing, given their historical track record until ninety years ago of regular surrenders and half hearted fights in warfare), were decimated during the alien invasion. The Tawrae made a special point of demolishing Paris and the city of New Marseilles, leaving the Eiffel Tower upside down and piercing through the Louvre. “We have lost so much of our precious art,” Louvre director Gustav LeFou told reporters, weeping. “Even the Mona Lisa, our precious lady, she is shredded beyond repair. I know, millions of lives lost should matter more, but I can’t muster myself to feel that way right now. I just feel like getting myself good and drunk, but even my favourite restaurant got wiped out of existence.”

In Russia, Tsar Vladimir the 19^th, clone of the first Tsar of the modern era dynasty, Vladimir Putin, was killed after the Tawrae attacked Moscow, destroying the full reserve of Putin clones. “Our beloved tyrant is gone,” Russian prime minister Tatiana Orlov told reporters, weeping before the wreckage of what had once the Kremlin. “All we have known for two and a half centuries has been the benevolent iron fist of the Putins. How can we carry on without him? Well, I don’t know about you, but I think vodka is in order right about now. Unfortunately we lost all the vodka in stock too, and it may take weeks to replenish the supplies."

The attacks ranged across the world, decimating large countries and small. China saw the destruction of the Forbidden City and the Great Wall (not to mention millions of lives). Cape Town in South Africa was smashed and shattered. Australia saw massive carnage in its major cities, and officials there fear there might be serious consequences. With gangs of marauding anarchic bikers already taking to the roads, the nation is developing what some are calling Mad Max syndrome. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an aide to the Prime Minister admitted, “We can’t even blame this one on the dingos.”

In America, still holding onto military power centuries after its founding, former president Josiah Bush shook his head while at the family ranch in Texas. “You know, I knew them there alien critters musta been comin’, and if I’d been re-elected, we wouldn’t have seen San Francisco and Los Diego slide into the sea. We wouldn’t have seen all that destruction wipe out New York City 2.0, just like they always showed in the old time movies. I mean, did you see how the Statue of Liberty ended up falling to earth in Ohio? We wouldn’t have seen New Miami flattened like a pancake. The Bushes always knew how to get things done, yes sir. Mission Accomplished, like old Dubya used to say. But no, you people all had to vote for that Federalist Isolationist Party brat. Don’t y’all go on sayin’ I didn’t tell you so.”

The President herself, Kiara Kardashian, was evacuated from Washington shortly before its destruction with her cabinet, having to leave behind the cryogenically preserved remains of her ancestor Khloe, and was deeply unhappy. “What happens when we finally find a cure for the terminal narcissism disease?” she was heard to ask, seemingly ignoring the reality that millions of her citizens were dead, the country was shattered, its largest cities blasted into oblivion, and its survivors were looking for answers. “Granny Khloe’s going to be pissed, people, pissed!”

Queen Sarah VII, the self titled Empress of the 500 acre Duchy Of Wasilla, a walled off independent enclave in the heart of the state of Alaska, issued a statement. “Those aliens, by golly, they didn’t even try comin’ out this way, you betcha. They know we got ourselves lots of guns and phasers and gosh golly thermal grenades, and we ain’t afraid to use ‘em, you betcha. Like the first Queen Sarah said, I can see Russia from my house!”

And yet humanity has survived. The alien invasion has been halted and defeated. Not by a rag tag army of misfits, as might have been the case in old disaster films of the 20^th and 21^st centuries. But by one person. As it turns out, the one person the world needed to get the job done.

After laying waste to much of the world, the Tawrae turned their attention north of the American border, to Canada. Scientists and military officers had been perplexed as to why the country had been spared up to that point. Dr. Millicent Stanhope, a physicist with North America Space Command, told reporters, “The working theory we had was that the enemy perceived the country as far too cold for their liking. I mean, they left Alaska alone too, so our military bases up there were unaffected. A bit of a shame they didn’t at least blast that irritating Duchy Of Wasilla. Wait, did I say that out loud?”

Some of the fleet attacked Toronto, interrupting a rally by fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs, who had been desperately deluding themselves into the hope that this year would be the year their team won the Stanley Cup, despite not having had won it for three hundred years now. Most of the alien fleet landed in southern Alberta- a curious break with their procedures up to that point- their ships had laid waste to regions from altitude.

Thousands of heavily armed reptilian shock troopers poured out and took up position. So did their Grand Emperor, Tavx Mrothmar, eight feet of pure ugly, drool, and crankiness. Waiting there was a lone figure in red serge. It was a Mountie, and she looked annoyed.  It was the legendary Inspector Wynonna Ulrich, one in a long line of cranky Mounties, going back to the beginnings of the police force in the 19^th century with Zane Ulrich and including the esteemed but cranky Lars Ulrich. All of them cops, all of them thoroughly dangerous, all of them seriously grouchy.

“I’m Wynonna Ulrich. Lay down your arms and surrender,” Ulrich told the aliens, witnessed at a distance by onlookers, too scared out of their minds to run from the sight of alien ships, and too baffled by the one woman standing up to them.

The Tawrae laughed and laughed. Ulrich shrugged. “Last chance, you ugly mother****ers.”

Grand Emperor Mrothmar stepped forward, staring at her. “Wynonna Ulrich? Don’t you play keyboards for that Poptallica band?”

Ulrich sneered. “I am not that Wynonna Ulrich.”

What followed, according to witnesses, was a brawl her distant ancestor Lars would have been proud of. The Inspector smashed through the lines of Tawrae shock troopers, carving a path of destruction and broken bones, kicking alien butt and leaving them crying. In the end, with the fleet ships blown to oblivion from within, and the broken bodies and agonized moans of Tawrae troopers all around her, she had Mrothmar by the throat, most of the bones of his body broken. “I don’t suppose it’s too late to ask for your holo-autograph, is it?” Mrothmar managed to ask.

Ulrich finished him with one last punch, dropping the deceased emperor’s remains before her. Canadian police and military have taken the surviving aliens, heavily wounded and perhaps a mere twentieth of the force that landed, into custody pending decisions on what to do about them. The remainder of the fleet fled at top speed, leaving behind pleas of clemency in holo-messages, apologizing for “that whole destroying most of your planet thing, and by the way, please don’t send that angry woman after us, we’re really, really, really sorry.”

As for Ulrich herself? She returned to her home, for a change in uniforms and a shower, what with all the orange blood she ended up getting on her during the epic brawl. Then she came back to her detachment, where the press was waiting.  She wasn’t in much of a mood to talk to reporters, particularly after one entertainment reporter spoke up. “Skip Jones, New Hollywood Tonight. Wynonna, what will the rest of Poptallica think of you moonlighting as an alien killer?”

Ulrich’s eyes narrowed. “You have five seconds to run.”

Jones looked confused. “Run? Run where? For what?”

Ulrich sighed. “To hell with the five seconds.” She closed the distance, and only in that last moment did Jones seem to understand he was in danger.  He turned and started running, the Inspector close on his heels. At last word, Jones had fallen- or been thrown- into Tombstone Canyon. He won’t be missed. 

Costco Brawl 2016: Thunderdome

Or one could call this Canadians Behaving Badly.

Two incidents made the news here in recent days, both involving bad behaviour. One incident spread the blame among a bunch of nitwits. The other? Well, it’s more or less a criminal act that might also be the act of someone who isn’t quite playing with a full deck of cards. Both involve being in a retail setting, and both ended up making me shake my head with dismay.

The first of these took place in a parking lot of a Costco in the city of Mississauga, which lies to the west of Toronto in the region of Peel. That’s a city I know reasonably well- I grew up to the west of there out in the countryside. It seems a small group of shoppers, all of whom were eager to park in pretty much the same spot close to the entrance, went from yelling at each other to brawling with each other. Grown adults, men and women, slugging each other and scrapping like they were all drunk and pissed off. Hell, maybe they were drunk.

One wonders what occupies the mind of such a cranky sourpants obsessed about getting the best nearby parking space for a Costco. It’s not as if giant big box stores like this are really worth getting into in the first place- one of my versions of Hell would be a giant big box store where you’re doomed to wander forever. But when you’re visiting such a place, perhaps for 300 boxes of cereal, or whatever the hell kind of bulk product you’re interested in (full disclosure: I’ve never been in a Costco), parking near the entrance is a really dumb idea.

Not that the sort of people who get into fights over a parking spot would realize it’s a really dumb idea.

No, if you’re parking near the entrance, you’re subjecting your car to the very strong possibility that it’s going to get dinged by shopping carts from some half-witted knuckle dragger unloading his dozens of bags of salt and vinegar chips. It’s better to park further away from the building where there’s actual spaces and less stray shopping carts. Not that this would occur to morons dumb enough to pick fights with other morons in a parking lot.

And it’s not as if parking close to the entrance is really going to save them that much walking time. I mean, big box stores by their very nature are inherently places where you’re going to be walking. And walking. And walking some more. Did I mention the walking? They’re big enough that you need maps to get around the cavernous spaces for whatever you came in for in the first place. So you’re going to be getting your exercise... unless of course you’re driving one of those golf carts and beeping at people to get out of your way.

So here we have it- a bunch of suburban halfwits, slugging it out and getting caught on video and uploaded to Youtube, acting like six year old brats screaming and throwing tantrums because they’re not getting their own way or being told they have to finish every scrap of those beets, because there are children starving in Africa. These are supposed to be adults? Were they not paying attention when they were growing up? Of course not. And given that they’re doing this sort of thing, it’s too late at this point in their lives to change. They're stuck in permanent stupid asshole mode.

The other incident happened in the town nearest to where I grew up. Georgetown’s a town in the northern reaches of Halton Region, which lies west of Peel. This incident brought in the police and made the newspapers because of the amount of violence and the rage involved. Only instead of a group of halfwits all having a mutual stupid moment, this involved someone who may or may not be playing with a full deck of cards. It’s a pretty reasonable suggestion given the circumstances.

The setting? A Wal-Mart, of course. The store is one of the anchors in the lone mall in town (at least I assume it’s still the only mall in town). A Wal-Mart would be a typical sort of place for such a meltdown, if you think about it. Wal-Martians are a peculiar lot of people, after all.

A thirty nine year old woman, named in the papers, was arrested after attacking a child- knocking out a tooth in a six year old girl. Yes, you read that right, attacking a girl.

According to the reports, it was totally unprovoked. She then proceeded to carry on dashing through the store, attacking four other people before being arrested and hauled out by the police. A comment on social media came from a witness, who said it took several officers to escort her out, and she was yelling the whole time.

That’s not the act of someone who’s got it all together, mentally speaking. Whether or not this woman is mentally ill will have to be determined.

This is the sort of thing that inspires a whole lot of chatter on social media. Some parents would be inclined to say that if she’d done that to their child, there wouldn’t be enough of that person left to bury. Others, more wisely, note that their instincts would be the protection and comfort of their child rather than running after the lunatic who’d already done what she did. Many were foaming at the mouth about the concept of someone who’s mentally ill and thus not criminally responsible getting off on charges- even though at that point formal charges weren’t part of the picture.

There was one comment in the mix that particularly bothered me. A troll by the name of Lorne, supposedly a veterinarian, came up with this comment:

No one has had the courage to state that if the child or children in question were running around the store misbehaving as most of today's parents are inclined to allow, then perhaps it's the parents of said children who should have their teeth knocked out and then be banned from the premises. Why is it we have come to believe that rude uncontrolled behaviour is acceptable just because it's a child ??? Grow up. Train and discipline your children.

As you can imagine, no one was impressed by the troll. One person suggested by that logic, if he didn’t like how someone was behaving, that gave him the right to just beat the crap out of them, no matter if it was a child, disabled person, or elderly person- any degree of irritation was sufficient cause. These comments I agreed with.

Only an intellectually below-average, uncivilized person would genuinely think that a child running around a store makes it okay to grab them and throw them to the ground. That doesn't teach children to behave, especially if they don't know why they're being attacked. It only teaches them that psychopaths exist in society.

She violently attacked 5 people for no reason, including a 6 year old girl. Or are we to assume that all 5 people were acting up? Besides, there is never a reason to grab a 6 year old by the hair and throw them to the ground. And to your second point, if she had done this anywhere else in the world, there is a good chance she might have been beaten to death by an angry mob before the police showed up.

For my own part, I had this to say:

Wow, Lorne. I mean, just wow. I know I don't particularly care for children, but when I see kids misbehaving and throwing tantrums, my reaction is to just walk away, not say something like the parents should have their teeth kicked out and banned from the store. You, pal, really are an asshole.

I find myself wondering if colleagues at Lorne’s veterinarian practice, whoever that might be, understand what sort of person he is. I know I certainly wouldn’t want to work with such a complete asshole.

As to the suspect herself? Well, time will have to tell if she’s mentally unbalanced, was just having a horrible day, or is in fact by nature a thoroughly unpleasant person but yet of sound mind and capable of standing trial.  It’s a different matter with the Costco parking lot brawlers, who should know better, but clearly were raised to be petulant morons with no consideration for others.

I can just see it now. The same kind of tacky tabloid producers who brought the world the Bumfight videos (yes, those are real) coming up with a new home video idea.

Wal-Martians Gone Nuts, The Thunderdome Edition.