You may want to read this previous post to make sense of the following....
Mad
Scientist Meets His Doom After Steampunk Rampage
Vienna (AP) The threat of supervillain and
mad scientist Magnus von Malice is at an end after nearly two weeks of
continued global threats and demands of complete capitulation from the world’s
leaders. Von Malice, the deranged graduate of the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For The
Ethically Challenged, has been known in recent years for world domination
attempts, morally reprehensible science experimentation, criminal acts, and
self-glorification. He escaped custody from a German prison hospital wing
recently, and issued demands to the entire planet of a complete surrender to
his rule, among other things.
The days following that initial video
demand and narcissistic rant were followed by more video rants, each time
spending an hour or so boasting about himself and his “genius mind”, in between
seething vows of bloody revenge on Lars Ulrich, the Mountie who had caused him
so much trouble. World leaders debated among themselves as to what to do. The
French president issued white flags to be flown all over his country. The
Russian president was not available for comment. The American president, if you
want to call him that, tweeted up a storm. “Fake news! Magnus Von Malice is a
great guy! Crooked Hillary and Lyin’ Ted and Franklin Delancey Roosevelt are to
blame! Sad!”
At the UN, representatives debated
endlessly. Entertainment reporters gossiped among themselves, wondering why a
super villain would want the painful death of a heavy metal drummer, not
realizing the Lars Ulrich in question was not
that heavy metal drummer. They also speculated that sooner or later there would
have to be a movie made about the fearsome Magnus Von Malice, but who would be
ideal in the part? Carrot Top was the consensus for all of them- yet more proof
of why entertainment reporters are pretty dumb.
As to the Mountie himself? Inspector Lars
Ulrich, the world’s most dangerous and grouchy lawman, was out of reach.
Mounties at his detachment refused to account for his whereabouts. The Canadian
government also maintained their silence on the matter. In a detainment
facility in Calgary, the former novelist and current murder suspect Jessica
Fletcher, facing trial proceedings for multiple murders, issued a statement of
her own. “Nobody kills Lars Ulrich
but me! Do you understand??? Nobody!
I want his head on a pike! His head on a pike!” The lunatic was pulled away
from the visitor table at that point by guards, while her attorney told this
reporter that everything she said was not to be quoted.
Von Malice, in a more recent video rant,
laughed at one point about the absence of Ulrich. “He’s a coward! A coward! He refuses to take the painful
death that he surely deserves like a man! But die he will, and at the hands of
the greatest genius this world has
ever seen! At the hands of Magnus Von
Malice!” The supervillain kept laughing at this point for another five
minutes, and finally calmed down, facing the camera, smirking. “Let me tell you
this. My loathing for Lars Ulrich
precedes his ever crossing my path and thwarting my plans! It is a blood feud
that spans generations!” The
supervillain glared at the screen, his hands clutching at nothing.
“Long ago, my great-grandfather, the
esteemed and ruthless scientific genius Gunther Von Malice, an esteemed alumnus
of the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For The Ethically Challenged, just like me, tried
to take over the Canadian West with his giant scorpion machine- which, by the
way, happened a full century before that giant spider in Wild Wild West, so don’t talk to me about ripping off a bad movie.
And we all know it was a bad movie,
because the heroes won! Where was I? Oh, yes, Grandfather Gunther. His schemes
were thwarted by another Mountie!
Zane Ulrich, the great-great-grandfather of Lars Ulrich! So, you see… it’s
personal. Lars Ulrich, you are going to die. Die, die, die, infinity die!”
Yesterday, the supervillain unleashed a
path of destruction in the Austrian countryside. Witnesses started making
panicked calls about a gigantic steampunk style mechanical scorpion stomping
its way through the countryside, unleashing fireballs from its stinger,
slamming into homes with its claws. At its controls above its head, behind
bulletproof glass, was Magnus Von Malice himself, laughing at the destruction
he was causing. Later reports and comparisons to the 19th century
version his ancestor built would confirm that this scorpion was twice as big as
the one used by Gunther Von Malice. And for the record- it was still a rip off
of Wild Wild West, which this
reporter can concede to agree with the supervillain: it is a bad movie.
Von Malice was closing in on Vienna itself,
the city of dreams, with its grand architecture at risk, after six hours of
shrugging off attempts by the police to slow him down. Finally, with the city
itself in sight, his scorpion machine came to a halt, and the supervillain
paused to see two familiar figures standing in his path. Both were cranky. Both
were exceedingly dangerous. One was a Mountie. The other was a tiny but
ferocious dog.
It was Inspector Lars Ulrich. And Fluffy,
Destroyer of Worlds.
The two had teamed up before, to bring down
Von Malice and destroy his time machine. Authorities later confirmed the two
were in Europe following leads on their mutual foe and had been summoned by the
Austrian government through Interpol. Now they were face to face with a
gigantic scorpion and a deranged mad scientist bent on destruction. Witnesses
reported that Von Malice blathered on over a loudspeaker about an immediate
surrender, and then opened fire with his flame stinger.
Ulrich and Fluffy deftly avoided the fire…
and then flanked the scorpion from either side, beginning to ascend the legs.
What happened next astonished onlookers, who watched the pair of ferocious
grouches go to work systematically destroying Von Malice’s scorpion machine and
reduce the mad scientist to a state of tears, blood, bruises, and busted bones.
“It’s not fair!” Von Malice managed to gripe as he was loaded into an ambulance
under the watch of Austrian police and a pair of victorious grouches. “I was
supposed to rule the world!”
In the aftermath of the battle, Von Malice
is being monitored under tight security as he heals from bones that have been
broken yet again. The French president issued a statement insisting that he
really didn’t mean to surrender control of his own country. At the White House,
Donald Trump issued statements by Twitter: “Unfair! Very unfair! Magnus treated
very badly! I want that Mountie thrown behind the wall I’m having Mexico pay
for! Sad! Fake news covfefe!”
The gigantic scorpion machine is beyond
repair, something lamented by Disney executives, who mused in the battle’s
aftermath about adding it to the five times daily Disney parade in Orlando. The
machine itself, shattered and busted, is nearly incomprehensible to most
engineers who have had a chance to look at it. “To be honest, when you’re
insane like this Von Malice guy is, sometimes you create things that nobody
else is going to ever sort out how to
get to work,” one told reporters.
As for the victors themselves? They were
seen having a drink at a Vienna bar before parting ways. Ulrich returned to
Canada and his detachment. Fluffy returned to what he was doing- being the
terror of Monster Island. And Carrot Top, reached for comment, said, “Hollywood
has got to cast me as this mad
scientist. Please, there are loan sharks coming by the end of the day for the
150 grand I owe them, and they’re going to break my legs, man! My legs!”
