The Ballad Of A Stable Genius

Stable Genius Becomes Source Of Inspiration, Source Of Ridicule

New York (AP). Questions about the mental stability of the American president in recent days have led Donald Trump to claim he is a “stable genius” and that “my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart.” His remarks have been the subject of ridicule and scorn ever since from all quarters, with some noting that actual geniuses don’t have to say they’re geniuses. His usual assortment of apologists in the White House have been busy on news shows defending their boss and biting their tongues and restraining themselves from rolling their eyes.

Stable genius, meanwhile, has taken on a life of its own in memes, tweets, and other sources of humour since. The Chief Executive of the United States, true to form, has not taken it well, lashing out in tweet storms, insisting on his intelligence and academic credentials, and pointing out to anyone who will listen just how clever he is. “Bigly clever!” Trump tweeted at one point during all the ridicule before moving on to pick a twitter fight with the head of a Swiss orphanage.

The term seems to be inspiring in some ways as well. “We’ve been busy working on a new album,” Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger told reporters as the band was taking a break. Jagger and company, all looking like the ultimate example of what happens when you drink too much and spend too much time indulging in recreational drugs, have spent decades on and off playing the part of the badly behaving rebel, have been preparing for what some are calling the Steel Wheelchair Tour. “We’ve been going back and forth on album titles the whole time… and then he said what he said, and I looked at Keith, and he looked at me, and we both blurted out Stable Geniuses! It’s perfect!”

Another musician, often given to creative warping of another singer’s tune in his own way, is looking to make use of the term. “Stable genius?” parody singer Weird Al Yankovic told reporters at his own studio yesterday. “Just the fact that he said it in the first place is hilarious. So of course I’ve got to write a song centered around the idea of a stable genius and just totally skewer it. I’ve just got to figure out what song to work it into. Do you think Lady Gaga would mind if I messed around with one of her songs?”

Toby Keith, the country singer, professional drinker, cowboy hat wearer, and backer of the GOP, remains oblivious to the notion that the president isn’t the genius he claims to be. “Well, first off, stop making fun of Donald, okay? Second, that phrase is just perfect for a country song. Because we’re all about stables and horses and pick-up trucks and drinkin’ at the bar and all that great stuff, right? So as soon as I’m finished drinkin’ this pack of Coors, I’m writin’ my next big country hit, Stable Genius.”

The phrase has caught flak from some unlikely quarters. Online statements from someone answering to the name SmartyPants2.0 demanded the world stop using the term, claiming to be speaking on behalf of the Sacred Order Of The Stable Geniuses. “We are outraged that people are making fun of the term stable genius, which is so important to us. Simply because that man-child calls himself a stable genius is no reason to treat that term with such ridicule!” the statement read. Subsequent inquiries have determined that the Sacred Order is an enigmatic secret society with more veiled privacy protocols than the Freemasons and the Skull & Bones combined. As a post script, the statement ended with: “… and don’t let that Dan Brown start writing a book about us!”

Super villain and mad scientist Magnus Von Malice, currently imprisoned in Austria after his latest world domination scheme backfired on him, made a statement on the matter when visited by reporters. “First of all, anyone who’s paid any attention to the man knows he’s not a stable genius,” Von Malice remarked. “And I say that as someone who contributed a few million dollars to his campaign. Now then, if you want to see a stable genius, you could look at me, but I’d tell you that you’re wrong. Of course I’m not stable.”

The last word in the matter goes to one of Western society’s more dimwitted cultural figures. The explosion loving director Michael Bay wrote an enthusiastic statement on his Facebook page yesterday. “Stable genius! Great name for a movie, right? I’m thinking film noir classic meets rock n’ country soundtrack meets explosions meets art house cinematic Oscar winner with plenty of explosions. Did I mention the explosions?”

The Last Stand Of A Mad Scientist

You may want to read this previous post to make sense of the following....

Mad Scientist Meets His Doom After Steampunk Rampage

Vienna (AP) The threat of supervillain and mad scientist Magnus von Malice is at an end after nearly two weeks of continued global threats and demands of complete capitulation from the world’s leaders. Von Malice, the deranged graduate of the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For The Ethically Challenged, has been known in recent years for world domination attempts, morally reprehensible science experimentation, criminal acts, and self-glorification. He escaped custody from a German prison hospital wing recently, and issued demands to the entire planet of a complete surrender to his rule, among other things.

The days following that initial video demand and narcissistic rant were followed by more video rants, each time spending an hour or so boasting about himself and his “genius mind”, in between seething vows of bloody revenge on Lars Ulrich, the Mountie who had caused him so much trouble. World leaders debated among themselves as to what to do. The French president issued white flags to be flown all over his country. The Russian president was not available for comment. The American president, if you want to call him that, tweeted up a storm. “Fake news! Magnus Von Malice is a great guy! Crooked Hillary and Lyin’ Ted and Franklin Delancey Roosevelt are to blame! Sad!”

At the UN, representatives debated endlessly. Entertainment reporters gossiped among themselves, wondering why a super villain would want the painful death of a heavy metal drummer, not realizing the Lars Ulrich in question was not that heavy metal drummer. They also speculated that sooner or later there would have to be a movie made about the fearsome Magnus Von Malice, but who would be ideal in the part? Carrot Top was the consensus for all of them- yet more proof of why entertainment reporters are pretty dumb.

As to the Mountie himself? Inspector Lars Ulrich, the world’s most dangerous and grouchy lawman, was out of reach. Mounties at his detachment refused to account for his whereabouts. The Canadian government also maintained their silence on the matter. In a detainment facility in Calgary, the former novelist and current murder suspect Jessica Fletcher, facing trial proceedings for multiple murders, issued a statement of her own. “Nobody kills Lars Ulrich but me! Do you understand??? Nobody! I want his head on a pike! His head on a pike!” The lunatic was pulled away from the visitor table at that point by guards, while her attorney told this reporter that everything she said was not to be quoted.

Von Malice, in a more recent video rant, laughed at one point about the absence of Ulrich. “He’s a coward! A coward! He refuses to take the painful death that he surely deserves like a man! But die he will, and at the hands of the greatest genius this world has ever seen! At the hands of Magnus Von Malice!” The supervillain kept laughing at this point for another five minutes, and finally calmed down, facing the camera, smirking. “Let me tell you this. My loathing for Lars Ulrich precedes his ever crossing my path and thwarting my plans! It is a blood feud that spans generations!” The supervillain glared at the screen, his hands clutching at nothing.

“Long ago, my great-grandfather, the esteemed and ruthless scientific genius Gunther Von Malice, an esteemed alumnus of the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For The Ethically Challenged, just like me, tried to take over the Canadian West with his giant scorpion machine- which, by the way, happened a full century before that giant spider in Wild Wild West, so don’t talk to me about ripping off a bad movie. And we all know it was a bad movie, because the heroes won! Where was I? Oh, yes, Grandfather Gunther. His schemes were thwarted by another Mountie! Zane Ulrich, the great-great-grandfather of Lars Ulrich! So, you see… it’s personal. Lars Ulrich, you are going to die. Die, die, die, infinity die!”

Yesterday, the supervillain unleashed a path of destruction in the Austrian countryside. Witnesses started making panicked calls about a gigantic steampunk style mechanical scorpion stomping its way through the countryside, unleashing fireballs from its stinger, slamming into homes with its claws. At its controls above its head, behind bulletproof glass, was Magnus Von Malice himself, laughing at the destruction he was causing. Later reports and comparisons to the 19^th century version his ancestor built would confirm that this scorpion was twice as big as the one used by Gunther Von Malice. And for the record- it was still a rip off of Wild Wild West, which this reporter can concede to agree with the supervillain: it is a bad movie.

Von Malice was closing in on Vienna itself, the city of dreams, with its grand architecture at risk, after six hours of shrugging off attempts by the police to slow him down. Finally, with the city itself in sight, his scorpion machine came to a halt, and the supervillain paused to see two familiar figures standing in his path. Both were cranky. Both were exceedingly dangerous. One was a Mountie. The other was a tiny but ferocious dog.

It was Inspector Lars Ulrich. And Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds.

The two had teamed up before, to bring down Von Malice and destroy his time machine. Authorities later confirmed the two were in Europe following leads on their mutual foe and had been summoned by the Austrian government through Interpol. Now they were face to face with a gigantic scorpion and a deranged mad scientist bent on destruction. Witnesses reported that Von Malice blathered on over a loudspeaker about an immediate surrender, and then opened fire with his flame stinger.

Ulrich and Fluffy deftly avoided the fire… and then flanked the scorpion from either side, beginning to ascend the legs. What happened next astonished onlookers, who watched the pair of ferocious grouches go to work systematically destroying Von Malice’s scorpion machine and reduce the mad scientist to a state of tears, blood, bruises, and busted bones. “It’s not fair!” Von Malice managed to gripe as he was loaded into an ambulance under the watch of Austrian police and a pair of victorious grouches. “I was supposed to rule the world!”

In the aftermath of the battle, Von Malice is being monitored under tight security as he heals from bones that have been broken yet again. The French president issued a statement insisting that he really didn’t mean to surrender control of his own country. At the White House, Donald Trump issued statements by Twitter: “Unfair! Very unfair! Magnus treated very badly! I want that Mountie thrown behind the wall I’m having Mexico pay for! Sad! Fake news covfefe!”

The gigantic scorpion machine is beyond repair, something lamented by Disney executives, who mused in the battle’s aftermath about adding it to the five times daily Disney parade in Orlando. The machine itself, shattered and busted, is nearly incomprehensible to most engineers who have had a chance to look at it. “To be honest, when you’re insane like this Von Malice guy is, sometimes you create things that nobody else is going to ever sort out how to get to work,” one told reporters.

As for the victors themselves? They were seen having a drink at a Vienna bar before parting ways. Ulrich returned to Canada and his detachment. Fluffy returned to what he was doing- being the terror of Monster Island. And Carrot Top, reached for comment, said, “Hollywood has got to cast me as this mad scientist. Please, there are loan sharks coming by the end of the day for the 150 grand I owe them, and they’re going to break my legs, man! My legs!”

World Domination Protocol #34: Get Your Own Navy

The Royal Navy announced recently that they're selling one of their aircraft carriers, the HMS Invincible. If you've got a couple million spare dollars floating about, you can have your very own aircraft carrier. An aircraft carrier, as Tom Clancy would tell you, is a projection of power on the seas. With the planes it carries and the ships that accompany it, the carrier owns a huge chunk of the water around it. Tom would go on from there and tell you how the carrier was built, where it was built, what company won the contract, the names of the crews who put it together, and go on and on about rivets and bulkheads and... well, by then you'd be asleep or clobbering Tom over the head to get him to shut up.

The Invincible was once the pride of the fleet, and saw action during the Falklands War. Now, what with the Brits trying to sort out their financial house, certain items like decommissioned aircraft carriers have no place in the fleet. So it's up on the market, though obviously not for someone answering to the name of Bin Laden. At least we hope not.

Well, in my occasional musings on the matter of world domination, it seems that a carrier would come in handy. Particularly if she comes fully armed and including the planes. It's not much use otherwise. So, what would I do first?

I'd need time to give the Invincible a shakedown cruise. And get some target practice in. I'd like to start with using Justin Bieber's house for target practice, but I somehow doubt an aircraft carrier can get up the Welland Canal, into Lake Erie, and up that river to the town of Stratford. Besides, even if it could, I'm sure the town fathers would resent having their town bombarded like that.

So, what else to use for target practice? Well, it would have to be somewhere along the coast for proper operations. There's one good choice there. Golf courses. I hate golf. And in the new world order I'll establish, golf shall be banned. In fact, anyone even thinking of playing golf will be shot on sight.

Therefore, St. Andrews-By-The-Sea would be fair game. And so would these guys:

We all know that wiping golf off the face of the earth would be doing the world a favour, so bombarding those golf courses in advance will be fair warning. Tiger, time to set your clubs aside and find something else to do. Aside from chasing whatever bimbo of the week catches your eye...