Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, May 16, 2016

Rantings Of Herr TrumpenCombover

I wrote this up, remarks of He Whose Hands Are Small And Whose Combover Toupee Is A Joke, as told to a select audience of like minds. Minds in this case being a generous expression, considering Herr TrumpenCombover and his fan club aren't that bright. Incidentally, writing in his voice makes me feel icky.

“.... and I’ll tell you something else, folks, when I’m in charge, things are gonna be different. There’s gonna be no more of this being reasonable crap. America First is what I say, and it doesn’t matter who I have to kick around to get things done. If that means I gotta kick Luxembourg around, I’ll do it. What good has Luxembourg ever done? I mean, they gave the world limburger cheese, am I right, folks?

And if those rotten Luxembourgmeisters don’t like the idea of me kickin’ them around, that’s too ****ing bad. I’ll just drop a nuke on them and teach them who’s who and what’s what. ‘Cause that’s what you gotta do these days to make you respected.

I’ve gotta tell you, lots of apologists for that Kenyan guy who thinks he’s the President, I’m not even gonna say his name anymore, it’s disgusting, just terrible, so I’m just gonna have him arrested and charged for high treason as my first act when I’m elected. Should have been done years ago, or hey, maybe my former butler should have just gone ahead and indulged those hostile thoughts he had back in the day. Where was I? Oh, right, those apologists. You know, if we’re gonna make America white again.... wait, I mean, make America great again... oh, hell, with an audience like this, you know what I mean. If we’re gonna make America white and great again, that means we gotta shut them up for once and for all time.

That means making some tough decisions, but hey, I’ll tell you, there’s nobody better at making tough decisions than me, believe me. I mean, I’m amazing and spectacular and outstanding in the big decision game, and you know, my whole record in that is tremendous and speaks for itself. It’s yuuuuuuuge!

So, that’s where we are. Making tough decisions. Not the kind of decisions like which episode of The Apprentice you want to watch. Though speaking of that, when I’m president, I’ll make the network air repeats of my show 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And every other network too. ‘Cause who needs the news? Just an informed public, which is the last thing I want, am I right, folks?

What it all really comes down to is making those tough decisions, and once I’m elected and inaugurated and whatever the **** else goes on, I get to make them. And you know what? It’s gonna be spectacular what I’m gonna do. From Day One of the Trump Regime, I’m gonna be the greatest president in American history. I’ve got the best team, the best people workin’ for me, it’s gonna be special and unforgettable and something for the ages. Because hey, we’re gonna put banners and giant statues of me in every small town and big city across the country. Just like I deserve.

You know, when I was growing up and workin’ hard to figure out which condo building I’d be putting up someday with Papa’s money, they used to talk about great presidents. Like Lincoln. And Washington. And the Roosevelts. You know what? Compared to me, those guys are losers. Looooooseeers!  I mean, seriously, folks, father of his country? George couldn’t even father a kid. What kind of loser can’t have kids? You know what I do when I find out someone’s sterile? I laugh at them. And I point at them and call them a loser. Loser! That’s George for you, folks, it’s a miracle he managed to win a revolution.

Those Roosevelts? Both of them are losers. Socialist Marxist losers, let me tell you. I don’t care if Teddy was a Republican, he wasn’t on the side of big business, which makes him a fascist communist loser. We should have his name erased from history forever, and if he doesn’t like it, he can come back from the dead and take it up with me himself, that ****ing dead loser coward. Hey, Charlie? People can’t actually come back from the dead, can they? Good.

Same thing goes for FDR. Or Failing Frankie, as I’ll call him. I’ll tell you, folks, it’s disgusting how lazy this socialist bastard loser was. Spent his time in a wheelchair spendin’ his way out of the Depression. You know what winners do, Failing Frankie? Winners can walk.

And something else, folks? Lincoln. I mean, you wanna talk about losers? Here’s a big loser. Can’t even commit to growin’ a proper beard, gets himself shot just when he should be celebratin’ a victory. You know what kind of presidents die when someone shoots them? Losers, Abe! Losers! That’s you! A big ugly loser! And believe me, I know ugly. I’ve argued with Rosie O’Donnell and Megyn Kelly, and that’s ugly. They’ve got blood comin’ out of their... well, you know, it’s disgusting and terrible and I don’t wanna bring it up, but hey, it’s already out there.

You know what else? When I’m President, things are gonna be different. It’s gonna be yuuuuuge, folks, let me tell you, it’s gonna be unlike anything the world’s ever seen before. It’s gonna start with that Kenyan guy who thinks he’s the President bein’ put on trial for treason. And you know who else is gonna be on trial? Hillary. And Bernie, just for good measure. And whoever else I gotta put on trial until all their supporters get the hint. Nobody messes with Donald J. Trump.

And I’ll tell you, folks, it’s gonna be a tough road, but I can do it, because I’m the greatest and the best at what I do. And it’s gonna be great. We’re gonna toughen up those libel laws so that I can muzzle the media so nobody can dare criticize me. We’re gonna take big steps to change things around.  That means making some sacrifices, and I’ll tell you, this is what we’re gonna have to do to get it done. To make America white again. I mean, great again.

We’re gonna have to get rid of that whole Constitution thing.

There. I said it. It’s out there.

We have to get rid of it.

I mean, seriously, folks, it’s a dusty old piece of paper. We’re followin’ a piece of paper and a few lousy amendments. What use has that thing ever been for us? Except for the Second Amendment, which, rest assured, will not be touched under the new Eternal Benevolent Tyranny Of Emperor Donald. You like that title? I thought of it myself. It’s yuuuuuuuuuge. Just like my hands. And my big Trump schlong.

Anything else though is up for grabs. I mean, who really needs the Thirteenth Amendment anyway? I say we get rid of it, go back to the way things oughtta be. Only this time, instead of just havin’ the blacks in a state of perpetual unpaid service, let’s make those Hispanics and those Asians and whatever Muslims are still in the country in the same state. Would that really be so bad? Of course not! Hey, the blacks love me, so they’ll do what I say, and they’ll do what you say too. Because you, my Klan brothers and sisters... hey, we all think alike.

You know, when I get to feeling like I got some soul searchin’ to do, I pick up that Good Book that all of you have read. I pick up the Art Of The Deal. Which will be required reading for all of my subjects after I’m crowned Supreme Emperor. And then, hey, because it’s pretty much required for any candidate to say this kinda bull****, I pick up the Bible, and I look at it, and I say, you know, this book would be even better if there was a Gospel According To Donald. So instead of flipping open a Bible and turning to Three Judges Chapter Seven... what, Charlie? There’s no Three Judges in the Bible? So who the **** were those wise guys who gave Baby Jesus the Enron stock?

That’s beside the point. My point is you could turn in the Bible to the best book of them all, the Gospel According To Donald, Chapter Ninety Eight, Verse Six, where I might be inclined to tell you, “and so go forth, and screweth over whoever thou must, for the Donald hath said that is amazing.” Only I was born a couple thousand years too late.

Where was I? Oh, right, talkin’ about my secret plans. When the time comes and I’ve got myself firmly in control of everything, we’re gonna have to shut all of them up. And by all of them, I mean anyone who ever dared disrespect me and call me names and say I’ve got small hands and a bad toupee, because hey, folks, this glorious head of hair of mine? All Trump.

We’re gonna have to beat them down and take away their rights and throw them in jail if they don’t like that. And it’s not gonna be a high class jail either. We’re talking about old fashioned hell holes where you wake up every day wishin’ you were dead. We’re talking Count Of Monte Carlo kind of prisons. What’s that, Charlie? Monte Cristo? Who the **** cares?

So that’s where we are, folks, let me tell you. We’re gonna go out and we’re gonna win this election, and then I’m gonna unleash my plans to crown myself Emperor, and if anyone doesn’t like it, that’s too bad, because they’re all gonna be locked away behind bars or servin’ as forced labour in my casinos or wherever the hell we wanna put them in a state of permanent misery. Remember, folks, only the Donald can make America white again. Just the way it should have always been. Civil rights can kiss my orange tinted ass.

Oh, yeah... and Megyn Kelly’s gonna get fired as my second act as President. I know, a lot of you are Fox viewers, but hey, it’s gotta be done. She dared to criticize me, and nobody does that.  It’s just disgusting, the way she talks, let me tell you, folks. Makes me wanna vomit.

Now let me tell you why I want Gary Busey to be my Secretary of State...."


  1. Love the Dog !

    cheers, parsnip and thehamish

  2. I can imagine writing like that buffoon would make me feel ill too. Much rather have the dog!

  3. Oh god, what a delightful piece. Except it's a bit scary for your satire is too close to reality and disaster looms. Da Trump is bad enough but to think there are millions of people ready to put him in the White House is probably one of the most terrifying things to come along since Georgi Bushki was elected, er, give the election in 2000.

  4. If Trump ever sees this, he'll try to hire you as his speechwriter, William!

  5. Wow, does Gary Busey have a fake eye?

  6. This would be hilarious except that it hits too close to home.

  7. @Kelly: so would I!

    @Auden: I figured write as many awful things as possible, and it would still sound like him.

    @Parsnip: so do I!

    @Meradeth: the buffoon makes lots of people ill.

    @Lowell: the millions of Trumpites are what's wrong with the world.

    @Norma: I would refuse!

    @Diane: now I'm wondering.

    @Cheryl: it does, yes.

  8. This was good, William. Scary, but good!

  9. When Trump first started talking waaaaay back when this endless election began, I thought good, he's skewering Political Correctness. Now, he's done what all politicians do- take it too far.

  10. You've got his voice down pat, Sir Wills.


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