Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, January 22, 2011

G Is For Global Blackmail

Muppet Supervillain Resurfaces, Holds Planet For Ransom

Convicted murderer and muppet Mr. Johnson, aka Fat Blue, aka Fred Johnson, has resurfaced in a stunning video delivered to media and the United Nations today, while remaining on the run somewhere in western Canada. Since his escape several weeks ago after a plane crash, the muppet convicted of murdering Elmo and framing Grover has eluded authorities searching for him.

A video was delivered to the offices of the Calgary Herald today, containing what can best be described as a manifesto. The balding blue muppet looked crazed and devious as he spoke directly to the camera.

"I, Fred Johnson, wrongly persecuted by the systems of an unjust government, have taken matters into my own hands. I have demands that will be met, or the consequences will be drastic. I've been busy during my enforced run from the law, nations of the world. My demands are simple. You will execute Grover. It's irrelevent that he's innocent. I want him dead. Not only dead, I want that blue bastard drawn and quartered. You have two weeks from today. It will be broadcast across the world. If you refuse, I will unleash my arsenal of death cannons, and destroy the world. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!  Does my evil laugh sound evil enough? By the way, I really do have death cannons, and they are capable of blowing up the entire planet."

Authorities don't know what to make of the manifesto. The heirs of Jim Henson seemed downcast. Cyrus Henson, a cousin of the late Muppet maker, made a confession. "Look, Jim wasn't merely a puppet master. He was also a wizard first class. He breathed life into these muppets. Sure, they're made of stuffing, but they're sentient living creatures too, and as such, every once in awhile one of them will turn out to be completely evil. Don't hold it against all of them."

Conservative pundit and dominatrix mistress Ann Coulter was quick to speak up. "Far be it from me to talk about giving in to terrorists. That's typical of those slanderous godless liberals who are ready to take away your guns and feed your children to the infidels. But if we have to hand over one Muppet to save the world, I can live with that. Just so long as it's not my personal muppet Gingro. I do so enjoy playing mistress and servant with that muppet. Oh, don't quote me on that."
Grover is said to be in protective custody with his girlfriend, so it's impossible to reporters to get comments from the fuzzy blue muppet. Meanwhile, in Canada, the search goes on. RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich, still heading up the search for the fugitive, was met by reporters, while he was busy beating up a reporter from outside his detachment.

"Look, I haven't got a statement for you," he told the rest as he gave the TMZ reporter a swift kick in the ass.

"Inspector," a reporter with Reuters spoke first. "Do you believe the muppet's threats are real? That he's capable of destroying the planet?"

Ulrich sighed, and threw the TMZ reporter down an embankment. "I can't really comment on that on the record. I'm sure you understand."

A reporter for Access Hollywood ventured forth, eager. "Lars! Lars! Kyvin Summers, Access Hollywood. Tell me, what does Metallica think of the Brangelina situation, and if Jennifer Aniston should get back together with Brad?"

Ulrich stared at the man as if contemplating how easy it would be to sever his head from his neck. Then he spoke softly. "Listen, you ineffectual vermin, I'll say this much. First of all, Jennifer Aniston is a talentless hack who can't act her way out of a paper back. Second, that whole tendency you twits have of combining names into one is really, really annoying. Third, and I want you to listen to this really, really closely. I am not that Lars Ulrich, you idiot!!!!" The inspector sneered in contempt. "Finally, and most importantly, I have real work to do. These real reporters here seem to understand that. What is it about entertainment reporters that make you such dimwitted asses anyway?"

"So is that a no comment on the Brangelina issue?" Summers asked.

The inspector slugged Summers, and returned into the detachment. Somewhere out in the woods, a muppet supervillain waits, a deadline counting down. At the UN, debate rages over the demand made by the villain. And here in High River, entertainment reporters keep getting beaten up. In the opinion of this reporter, they had it coming.


  1. I love the twin picture (Beeker and Carrot Top)...I didn't realize how much they looked's eerie actually.

  2. Nooooo! We can't give in to the demands of terrorists intent upon blowing up the world. I'm pretty sure there would be pockets of civilization left after the apocalyptic muppet maniac follows through on his threat. I'm not sure if you can call Toledo, Ohio civilized. People here drive like maniacs.

    Hey, Mister, pick a lane!

  3. Karla, you can't call any of Ohio civilized. And aren't you supposed to be in protective custody with your boyfriend?

    Beth, I didn't notice that, either. I hope Beeker isn't offended.

    William--she'll have to take a number and get in line. It's a long line. You're an Equal Opportunity Offender!

  4. There you go making fun of the Muppets again, and Carrot Top. If this were the early to mid fifties you'd be blacklisted by the House Committee on Un-American activities. ; }

  5. Always nice to take a break from research to read something funny!

  6. William:

    I'm a persnonal friend of Miss Piggy's. She would like to know what happend to her Kermit. Why does he look like a fiend? She's terribly upset and is unable to compose herself at this minute. I hope you can shed some light on this for us.

  7. William, you'd better watch out if Shelly's right about Piggy's state of mind. Piggy's one badass swine.

  8. @Norma: Beaker should be deeply offended. And Karla keeps driving the police nuts, forcing them to keep moving their protectees around...

    @Shelly: Any muppet picture that amuses me... I'll use.

    As to Miss Piggy, I'm sure Kermit can reassure her that he's not zombified or vamped up.

  9. Hahaha! Those muppets are tricksy ones. You gotta watch out for them - especially Beeker (Beaker?) and Kermit.

  10. So who do they have someone tracking Fred Johnson? I watch Man Tracker, so I could so totally do it...

  11. Lars is supposed to be tracking him, but he keeps beating the crap out of reporters...

  12. hey, we have a sheriff like that... except I think he does it so they will take more video of him... ah Arizona, the price I pay to live in the most beautiful state in the country...sigh

  13. Ann is right. Don't give in to terrorists. Muppets are expendable, indeed, ideal collateral damage fodder.

    Simply fire up the sewing machine- make a new one (cloning?!) and shove your hand in. There you have another muppet to fight the good fight.


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