Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Friday, April 8, 2011

E Is For Evil

A bunker, somewhere in the Alberta foothills. A large conference room serves as headquarters for a meeting this night. A group of people have gathered around a round table. Dick Cheney, Ann Coulter, Michael Moore, and Ralph Nader are chatting amicably, which is a surprise, considering the latter of the foursome have publicly condemned the first two. John Baird, currently the acting Prime Minister of Canada, walks in, greeting them, shaking hands. The actress Jennifer Aniston sits at the table, absently staring at an old photograph of herself and Brad Pitt. The actor Mike Myers sits across from her, wearing a light grey Nehru suit, his hair shaved off. He appears to be confused and baffled. Another man stands nearby. It's the self-styled man who thinks he knows everything, Keith Jarrett. A door opens, and in walks the fugitive muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson, aka Fat Blue. He finds his way over to a chair, and sits down.

Mr. Johnson: Hello, everyone, welcome to the first meeting of the League of Really Evil, Evil People. If we could all find seats, we can get things started.

The rest of the group take seats around the table. Myers continues to look around, confused. Mr. Johnson picks up a remote control.

Mr. Johnson: First of all, we're being joined tonight by video link with an old friend.

He presses a button. A giant view screen on a nearby wall comes on, and shortly thereafter, Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi appears on the screen from his Presidential Palace. In the background, there's the sound of an explosion.

Mr. Johnson: Moammar, glad you could join us.

Gadhafi: My pleasure, Fred. If I have to depart quickly, it's just because those infernal peasants are trying to overthrow me for some inexplicable reason. Really, am I not their Beloved Tyrant?

Baird: Why don't you try doing what we do, Moammar? Lie, deflect, and cast the blame on your political opponents?

Mr. Johnson: If we could come to order? I'd like to thank John for deflecting the continued RCMP searches for me. That rotten Mountie Lars Ulrich hasn't gotten hold of me yet, and I've got to hand it to you to keep him occupied.

Baird: Easily done, Fred, and anything for an old friend. All it takes is throwing entertainment journalists at him.

Mr. Johnson: I'd also like to thank you for lending us the use of this bunker for the meeting.

Baird: No problem at all, Fred. Next month the Conservative Party will be using it in Operation Subvert Canadian Democracy.

Cheney: Yes, very commendable, very commendable indeed.

Moore: Hah! That'll teach those citizens of yours to shut up!

Nader: Very nicely done. We need to try that south of the border.

Cheney: We came oh so close, Ralph, really, but it didn't quite take.

Coulter: We'll succeed in two years. It's just a matter of time before those godless liberals and anyone else who disagrees with us gets what's coming to them.

Moore: Yes! Yes!! Damned liberals! Burn them all!

Mr. Johnson: I still find it surprising to hear you say that. Your public face is so... left wing. So are your film documentaries.

Moore: I know. Perfect way to disguise my true political leanings, isn't it?

Aniston: Why doesn't Brad love me?

Moore: It's a Trojan horse doublebluff.

Aniston: I'm America's sweetheart, right?

Mr. Johnson: So, how have we been in keeping with doing evil lately?

Cheney: I invited a bunch of ACLU lawyers to my ranch last week. Then I let nature take its course and started hunting them.

Nader: I announced my intention to consider running for President in 2012. The Democrats are up in arms.

Moore: I stole candy from a whole lot of babies.

Coulter: I tortured a few godless liberals.

Baird: I had an orphanage blown up.

Myers: Um, excuse me, can I just say something?

Mr. Johnson: Certainly. We're all equals here in the League of Really Evil, Evil People.

Myers: Yes, well, that's what I meant to bring up. See, I'm not actually evil.

Jarrett: Oh, that's hilarious, Doctor Evil. You, of all people, claiming you're not evil.

Myers: No, see, Doctor Evil is a character I played. I'm an actor. This guy here had me kidnapped, had my head shaved, and dressed me up like this, but I'm actually Mike Myers. I don't think I really belong here. And aren't you that muppet who's threatened to destroy the world?

Mr. Johnson: Yes, and proud of it.

Jarrett: Doctor Evil's just having some fun, everyone.

Aniston: What does he see in that awful witch and all those kids?

Jarrett: He's just as committed to evil as anyone else here is, you know.

Myers: I keep telling you, Doctor Evil is just a character! I'm only an actor! And not a very good one!

Jarrett: Doctor Evil, why aren't you speaking with your Belgian accent? And you're supposed to put your hands up in a quotation hand signal every time you emphasize a word.

Myers: I'm not Doctor Evil, damn it! Now let me go! I have to get back to filming The Love Guru 2! Sure, the first film tanked, but this time we'll get it right!

Aniston: After all the dues I paid, all the popularity of that show, why can't I hold onto a man? Why is my womb so cobwebbed? Why doesn't Brad love me?

Mr. Johnson: I'm sorry, but I don't recognize you, sir.

Jarrett: I'm Keith Jarrett, Mr. Johnson. Author of the books I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom, Duck And Cover The Buddhists Are Coming To Kill Us All, and my ill-timed How To Cure Ebola. Come one now! Everyone knows me!

Coulter: He does the occasional consulting gig for Fox News.

Nader: Didn't he write that book about knowing everything? Or was that Gore?

Cheney: Maybe both. Gore, that bastard. You know, I always wanted to take him hunting...

Moore: So he could meet with a... hunting accident, right?

Aniston: Is it my perky haircut? My whining voice?

Cheney: Exactly, Michael, an accident.

Baird: Dick, can I send a few journalists hunting with you?

Nader: Aren't you the fellow who infected that guy with Ebola virus?

Moore: Maybe we can infect Wolf Blitzer with the Ebola virus.

Jarrett: Look, that was a simple oversight. My lawyers are working on getting the charges dismissed. We all have those kind of moments. It happens. I assure you, Mr. Johnson, I'm more then qualified to be a member of the League of Really Evil, Evil People. I'm a world renowned expert on so many things, including the true nature of evil. In fact, in between writing my new work Gosh I'm So Smart, I've been thinking of writing a definitive biography on the most evil person in the twentieth century. I'm thinking of calling it Mother Teresa: Tyrannical Despot of India. What do you think? Catchy title, am I right?

Gadhafi: You do realize Mother Teresa is a saint?

Cheney: A real do-gooder. I hate do-gooders.

Coulter: You couldn't ask for a more righteous person.

Moore: One of the most selfless people to ever walk the earth.

Jarrett: Wait... so you're saying she's not irredeemably evil?

Nader: Certainly not, young man.

Baird: Back to the drawing board, huh?

Aniston: I'm so miserable and alone and lonely. And barren. Would one of you people mind killing Angelina Jolie for me? If she's out of the way, Brad's sure to come back to me! Yes, I'm sure of it!

An explosion rocks behind Gadhafi on the screen. He looks shaken.

Gadhafi: Damn! The rebels are closing in! John, can you put in a good word for me at the UN?

Baird: Sorry, Moammar. The UN doesn't like Canada anymore. Not since the Prime Minister told the General Assembly they could kiss his ass last year.

Mr. Johnson: Speaking of the UN, it's only a week now until my deadline. Grover must die, or I'll wreck a terrible vengeance on the world. Everything I have ever done, murdering that little red menace Elmo, framing Grover... all of it, has been meant to destroy my greatest nemesis. You know, it somehow seems like it's been much longer since I made the threat. Maybe time passes differently for a Muppet. At any rate, in a few days, Grover will surely be dead. No human will stick their neck out for him! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! How's my evil laugh coming along, by the way?

Coulter: Wonderful, Fred.

Baird: Just right, Fred.

Nader: Splendid.

Jarrett: Are we all certain Mother Teresa wasn't evil?

Mr. Johnson: Oh, will you just shut up already?


  1. I think Mr. Know-It-All should be leading this group.

    So they're sending those entertainment journalists after Lars? Wait'll he finds out! He'll track down ol' Fat Blue.

    Are Grover and Karla still in protective custody?


    I have nothing else to say.

    Lady A x

  3. Well, our government just shut down. Cheney's probably grinning from ear to ear.

  4. You hit the nail on the head. Jen HAS to be that way exactly...a pretty girl like her, and she can't keep a man!!! And, Mike Myers is THE worst actor (besides Hayden Christenson (sp?)) to come out of *OMG!* Canada!!! Blow up the lot...! Blow them all up!

    Michael Moore...I kind of like him...LOL

    @Norma-I think Ebola man IS heading this group of deviants...

  5. I KNEW Michael Moore was a closet conservative. How evil is that?

  6. Are these the little voices in your head William?

  7. Can't...comment...too...much...laughing...need... oxygen.

  8. William, this is one of your funniest pieces. I laughed throughout. Just too good.

  9. Okay.. I was expecting to see Charlie Sheen at this meeting. What happened?

  10. HILARIOUS!!! Write more! Write more!

  11. @Kittie: The government runs better when it's shut down.

  12. I love Dick Cheney's hunting parties! I aim to bag my limit this year. Wait- does Michael Moore count as three liberals or four?

  13. Yep. This is my favorite so far. Is it possible to get tickets to these meetings? Or how about front row seat to watch how your brain works? Genius!


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.