Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

The cat must always have the last word, and so here she is...

7:01 AM. Waking up. Big stretch. Slept well. Dreamed of flying lunches. Speaking of which, are they already out on the lawn or not?

7:03 AM. Sitting on the back of a chair, gazing out on my lawn. Indeed, the flying lunches are down there picking away among the grass. Perhaps for bugs. Well, whatever, they do make for pleasing scenery. My tail is thumping against the chair. If only this glass wasn’t between us, there’d be a lot of fun. For me, that is. It wouldn’t be much fun for you.

7:16 AM. Sounds from upstairs. The staff is busy getting ready for the day. Musing on whether or not to go up there and meow incessantly. I think today I shall be kind and await her presence. At least for no longer than ten minutes.

7:24 AM. Feeling impatient. And hungry. Shall we amend our earlier decision and go upstairs?

7:28 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. Well, it’s about time, staff. I was about to go up there and howl like a banshee at you. Now then, have you put any thought into the all important task of making my breakfast?

7:30 AM. The staff has provided me with breakfast. A cold bowl of milk, a plate of chicken... and for whatever reason, more of those field rations. It doesn’t matter how many times I insist to her that I don’t like kibbles, she still puts them down. I suppose I could just tell her directly, but I would never lower myself to speak human.

7:31 AM. Contenting myself in eating my breakfast. Will leave the field rations aside.

7:33 AM. Leaving the staff to eat her breakfast in peace. Returning to my perch on the back of the chair to gaze out at my domain.

7:35 AM. Somewhere in the distance I can hear the barking of that foul hound. As long as I live, I will never understand the purposes dogs serve in the greater scheme of things.

7:43 AM. The staff is heading out the door for that work place she wanders off to during the day. Well, farewell, staff, but do be back in time at the end of the day. Unless you’re doing grocery shopping. In which case I expect you to come back with something to spoil me. Like a nice throw ball that I can promptly lose underneath the piano.

7:45 AM. Watching from the window as the staff’s car pulls out of the driveway. Very well then, time for me to entertain myself. Have to decide how much time to allot today to the critical task of napping. One can never have too many naps, after all.

7:58 AM. Musing on the great meaning of life questions. Is it true, as the philosopher Mrs. Drucilla Mittens of the Maine Coon Order once said, that the purr is the meaning of life?

8:02 AM. Twitching my tail while watching a squirrel out in the yard, digging in the lawn. Forgot where you placed that stash of nuts, did you?

8:24 AM. Watching the woods. Movement in the treeline. Wait a minute... is that the foul hound himself?

8:25 AM. The irritating mutt pauses at the treeline before heading back into the woods. Oh, he saw me. Thought the better of it and beat a hasty retreat. And don’t come back, you hear me? Don’t come back!

9:17 AM. Well, all things being such as they are, I think a nap would be in order right about now.

12:03 PM. Waking up. Slept well. Taking a big stretch. Feeling a bit peckish.

12:04 PM. Back in the kitchen. Feeling slightly disappointed as I remember that all that’s left are the field rations.

12:05 PM. Despite my reservations, I help myself to the field rations. When in dire straits, as they say...

12:22 PM. News story on the television about the Canada Day holiday on the weekend. Which of course will include fireworks in town. Or as we cats call them, the demonic sirens of hell unleashed. I'm so glad I live in the country.

1:36 PM. The distant barking of that annoying mutt interrupts my nap. Hmmm, from his tone and the time of day, he’s yelling at the mailman. Oh, shut up, dog, just let the man do his job already without waking me up so rudely from my well deserved nap.

5:29 PM. The staff comes in the front door. It’s about time, staff! I was about to send out the cavalry to go look for you.

6:03 PM. Supervising the staff while she makes dinner. The meat smells good, staff. 

6:42 PM. Settling down to dinner with the staff. Some chunks of beef for me. For whatever reason, she’s having hers in a casserole with potatoes and broccoli. What is it about broccoli that seems to appeal to my staff? If you ask me, that stuff is atrocious.

8:51 PM. Launching into a full speed sprint around the house just to see if I can break my all time fastest record. And to make the staff wonder if I’ve lost my mind. After all, driving her crazy is one of life’s great pleasures.

11:28 PM. The staff is off to bed. Okay, staff, sleep well. Do keep the door open, though. I expect to be able to jump up on your bed at three in the morning if it so crosses my mind to do, after all.


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