Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, June 12, 2017

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is the cat's turn to grace us with her presence.

6:55 AM. Waking up, despite my better wishes. The problem with the coming of summer and the warm weather is that the sun is up way too early. Oh, sure, that means plenty more opportunities to lie in sun puddles, but it wakes me up too early. Hey! Who gave you permission to rise? Because I sure didn’t!

7:04 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, staring out the window, brooding on the great mysteries of life. What is the true meaning of the Schrodinger Cat Paradox, and more important, will Schrodinger just let the cat sleep in the box instead of suggesting scientific theories? Because as we all know, one of the things cats love most in the world is a box.

7:16 AM. The staff comes downstairs. Well, it’s about time, staff.  Didn’t you know I had breakfast that must be seen to? Now, since I don’t have opposable thumbs, it falls to you to get breakfast started. That, and I’m a superior life form, thus you are obliged to follow my orders.

7:18 AM. Contentedly eating my breakfast. Some chicken, a bowl of fresh milk... and for whatever reason, the staff keeps insisting on putting down a bowl of field rations. Yes, well, only if I’m desperate later in the day, staff. Only if I’m desperate.

7:23 AM. Licking my chops, as the old expression goes. Letting the staff eat her breakfast in peace. At least for now.

7:26 AM. Returning into the kitchen, delivering a head bonk to the legs of my staff. That, of course, is my signal for attention.

7:27 AM. The staff obliges my signal by giving me a scratch behind the ears. Very good, staff.

7:39 AM. Bidding goodbye to the staff as she heads off to that work place she always runs off to. Very well, staff, but be home promptly. I expect full attention and devotion when you return. And would you mind picking up some extra catnip?

7:41 AM. Watching the staff depart in that car of hers. Okay, so... here we are. What are we going to do to kill the next few hours? Aside from naps. Naps are good. Naps are always called for, and as I always say, you can never have too many naps.

7:43 AM. I can hear distant barking. That foul mutt from down the road is out running around all over the countryside, braying in that demented way of his, just like the proverbial Hound of the Baskervilles.

8:09 AM. Turning off the television. Ten seconds of those incessantly cheerful morning talk-news shows are unbearable enough. I can’t imagine anyone sitting through all four hours of them. It must feel like forty hours.

8:41 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, watching the flying lunches go back and forth on the lawn. If there wasn’t glass between us, I would be stalking you right now.

10:57 AM. Waking up from nap. Feeling refreshed enough to go a couple of hours before my next nap.

11:03 AM. After much reluctance, I help myself to some of those field rations.

11:46 AM. Musing on the meaning of life. What came first? The box or the cat?

12:31 PM. Dozing on the back of the couch. Movement outside wakes me up. It’s not the mutt, is it?

12:32 PM. Well then, the reason I came out of a near sleep is not the dog. It’s a rabbit. And it’s contentedly sitting there eating the staff’s flowers, staring at me while I stare back. You do realize that humans don’t find bunny raids on their gardens to be terribly amusing, right? Me, personally, I don’t care, but humans do.

12:34 PM. The rabbit hops off after finishing off a couple of flowers. Don’t expect me to cover for you. 

1:36 PM. I was just about to fall off into another well deserved nap when sharp barking from down the road broke the peace and quiet. That dumb dog... why doesn’t he just let the mailman do his job in peace? Now it’s going to take me another twenty minutes to get back into nap mode...

4:49 PM. Waking up from my nap. Big stretch. Quite content. Slept soundly. Now then, if my staff would just get home right about now and spoil me, that would be perfect. But that won’t be for another half hour.

5:26 PM. The staff walks in the front door with a couple of grocery bags. I deliver a head bonk to the legs. Well, staff, I might say that it is about time you got home. I’ve been all by my lonesome all day. Did you bring any catnip?

5:28 PM. An inspection of the unpacking of the grocery bags uncovers no sign of catnip. On the other hand, she brought lamb chops home.

5:51 PM. Supervising the staff while she makes dinner. Now then, when I have cooked meat, staff, bear in mind that I like it, at most, medium done. None of this charring it until it’s barely recognizable.

6:30 PM. Dinner with the staff. Freshly cut cubes of lamb for me. Very tasty. The staff insists on eating hers with some cauliflower. Well, to be fair, humans can be quite peculiar some of the time. And by some of the time, I mean 99.99999999999999999995% of the time.

8:43 PM. Running up and down the stairs for absolutely no reason at full speed. Well, not quite no reason. The staff asks if I’ve lost my mind. No, staff, but I enjoy making you think I’m nuts.

11:26 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff, but do keep the door open. I like full access to every room of my house. Besides, in case that rabbit returns in the middle of the night to eat more of your flowers, you probably ought to know.

Oh, that’s right. I didn’t mention about the bunny visitor earlier, did I? Oh well. At least I can assure you that I wasn’t the one who did that.


  1. Son has adopted a panther !
    The other panther is a beautiful black puddle Queen. Who judges us all.

    cheers, parsnip and thehamish

  2. German Shepherds are so good with cats. And they totally conspire together, too.

  3. Thank you for solving the mystery of the Welsh language.

  4. A person in one of my Facebook groups was asking for cat memes today, so I gave her the url of this post! Perfect timing!

  5. No wonder the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats. The cats completely dominated them!

  6. I'm up and coffeed--definitely feeling that's enough for this rainy day!

  7. I'm not a cat lover but after reading this post, you have endeared me to them ;)

  8. Oh, the incredible crazy antics of cats! Love these, William!


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