Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, June 13, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And so it is time to hear her perspective, from one of the ultimate life forms on the planet... namely the cat. Incidentally, L.M. Montgomery might be rolling over in her grave with this one...

7:21 AM. Waking up. Dreamed a whole lot. For some reason it involved chasing a whole lot of flying lunches, who inconveniently refused to become lunch.

7:22 AM. Getting up, yawning, and taking a big stretch. A customary way for a cat to begin the day. Followed by an approximate calculation of when it might be most convenient for another nap. We do need a good eighteen hours of sleep a day, after all.

7:26 AM. Hearing my staff upstairs, getting ready for the day. Hurry up, staff, this is the weekend, after all, and I expect you to be at my beck and call at every possible moment of the day. Starting with my breakfast, which I am impatiently waiting for in the five minutes since I have woken up. Five minutes? It feels like it has been much longer, if you ask me, and you are asking me.

7:31 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs, and I deliver a head bonk to her legs. Okay, so... how about some breakfast?

7:35 AM. The staff puts down some breakfast. A bowl of milk, some tuna, and field rations. The field rations I can live without, but I settle firmly into the tuna.

7:39 AM. I meow most insistently to be let outside. The staff obliges me.

7:51 AM. The breeze brings the distant sounds of that annoying mutt barking his head off to me. As long as I will live, I have absolutely no idea what purpose dogs could possibly serve in the greater scheme of things.

8:09 AM. Sniffing around at the grass, thinking of chewing some of it.

8:13 AM. A good roll around on my back is called for. Particularly if it involves some dirt. Sure, it takes forever to clean up, and your mouth ends up feeling gritty and all soily afterwards... soily is so a word. Now, that is. I just invented it.

8:15 AM. Rolling about. Strange... I have the oddest impression that I’m being watched.

8:16 AM. Startled by a sudden bark. Off my back and on my feet. Sure enough, it’s that ill mannered dog.

8:17 AM. Approaching the dog, who is at least not stepping onto my property but remaining at the tree line. I am hissing and expressing my dislike. He seems befuddled. A common thing among dogs, after all, and especially for this particular dog.

8:19 AM. Venting my annoyance at the irritating mutt, in more than one way, using some very colourful vocabulary.  The dog suggests I’m speaking like a drunken sailor. I’ll have you know I learned those particular curse words from the pages of Lucy Maud Montgomery’s unpublished novel Anne Shirley, Pirate Captain Of The Green Gable. Turns out she decided to retool the whole thing and make her a little kid instead of a ruthless pirate for some reason.

8:21 AM. Delivering a final warning to the annoying hound by showing him my claws. Get lost, or you’re going to get these smacking your snout.

8:22 AM. The foul mutt is finally leaving. And don’t come back!

8:29 AM. Meowing at the door to be let back in. The staff opens the door. Honestly, staff, what is it about dogs that some people find appealing? That tail wag thing they do can’t possibly be the deciding factor, can it?

8:46 AM. Have finished giving myself a proper cleaning. Yes, my tongue does feel a bit gritty after that dust and grass roll about I did. Okay, so I’ve not even been up yet for an hour and a half, but I think it’s time for a nap.

12:09 PM. Awakened by the sound of my staff in the kitchen. Lunch time it is then.

12:12 PM. The staff has done well and given me some cheese. Very tasty, staff, I approve...

1:09 PM. I interrupt the staff’s reading time by jumping up on her lap and sitting on her book. My purring deflects whatever annoyance she might have been feeling about the inconvenience. Yes, staff, you may pay attention to me now.

1:33 PM. Sprinting up and down the stairs for absolutely no reason whatsoever, aside from making the staff wonder if I’ve lost my mind.

4:14 PM. Waking up from a nap. Checking time. Musing as to whether or not I should fit in another nap before dinner.

5:53 PM. The staff is making dinner. I am watching. Smells good. 

6:28 PM. Dinner with the staff. I have been provided with some chunks of chicken, which are quite to my liking and well done. The staff seems to be spoiling me today. I wonder if she has some hidden agenda in that regard.

8:51 PM. Spending time on an all out scratching assault on the scratching post. To borrow a phrase from Shakespeare, once more unto the breach!

11:38 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff. But I insist you leave the door open. I have every right to go walking all over you at three thirty in the morning, after all, and I would be most put out if I found that you closed the door. I’d probably just have to howl at the top of my kitty lungs.


  1. I'm totally not a morning person. I agree with the cat. What's so good about mornings? :)

  2. I will take a waggy tail anyday !

    cheers, parsnip and thehamish

  3. i would agree with the never being able to say "Good Morning" ... usually just say "Morning". i have to ask ... why don't ya like Forrest Gump? Tom Hanks? the point of the movie? i am curious. would enjoy hearing, if you care to tell me? ha. ha!! ( ;

  4. I wish the one about pretending to listen weren't true...

  5. Grumpy Cat is always good, but I have to wonder what people find so appealing about cats. Yes, I prefer and animal that likes me.

  6. @Auden: I have no idea.

    @Parsnip: waggy or twitchy tails are both cute.

    @Beth: it's the character I despise!

    @Petrea: unfortunately it is.

    @Mari: I love the kitties!

  7. My cat used to love the doorstoper. Granted so did I when I was a toddler....

  8. I see Grumpy Cat is in good form!

  9. I need a mooning cat for my neighbors! lol

  10. Here we have the essence of felinity. You have done well, my friend of the cat. I especially like the one where the cat is getting its own food out of the cupboard. Our cats continue to try to open the refrigerator, and if they find the fridge door is open, they will jump right into the thing!

  11. I don't know how you come up with these. They're always new. The mooning cat is priceless!

  12. Synchronized cat cleaning. Should be an Olympic sport!

  13. @Meradeth: I have vague memories of finding door stoppers fascinating.

    @Norma: she always is!

    @Diane: that would come in handy.

    @Lowell: that's a very cat thing to do.

    @Lorelei: she is, isn't she?

    @Cheryl: it should!

  14. That second cat looks exactly like mine, glare and all.

  15. Wonder how that cat knew to mimic the statue of the tiger?

  16. The creepy Hide and Seek cracked me up.


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