Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, May 21, 2016

What Not To Say At A Wedding

“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. We come to that part of the evening when it’s time for a speech or two. And it falls to me, as the best man, to begin. Sometimes that involves telling slightly off colour stories about the groom meant to remind him of past misadventures guaranteed to embarrass him. Other times it involves nostalgia and finishes up with a heartfelt toast to the happy bride and groom. Well, me being me, I can’t resist a little bit of both.

I first met Andrew Deveraux back in our college days. We were in the same fraternity. Andrew of course was studying law, and I was studying dentistry. I say studying, but that was confined to what we were doing in between the drinking, the chasing girls, the juvenile stunts that the fraternity would regularly pull. I don’t think Professor Englehart ever knew that we were the ones who disassembled his car and put it on the roof of Calvert Hall. Took us all night, remember, Andrew? Lugging parts up and down that staircase. It’s a miracle no guards found us while we were busy. By the way, Andrew, you’re the lawyer... is there a statute of limitations where fraternity pranks are concerned?

Those were the days, when we could goof off, drink all evening, write exams while hung over, and somehow manage to get through the year without failing. I don’t know if you had any close calls, Andrew, but to this day I have no idea how I managed to pass Professor Hendrick’s third year final exam. What with being up all night between the sheets with Rose O’Raney, who, by the way, really was a whole lot of fun when you got naked with her.

That’s probably beside the point. She’s not here tonight, is she? Because I wouldn’t have thought of making anyone else blush. Though I see Andrew’s cousin the nun blushing. Hello, Sister Bridget! Any chance you might be thinking of retiring from that calling? Because you and I, that could really be a blast.

Anyway, moving on. Long story short, we spent our time womanizing our way through college, somehow managing to keep from not getting arrested for those fraternity stunts. Even the time we abducted the mascot from Caltech. Andrew, is there a statute of limitations on kidnapping a beaver suited freshman and taking him on a road trip?

And so we graduated, got ourselves established, stayed friends. It took some adjusting. I mean, a career actually means going to work, not getting hammered the night before like we did through college and sleeping around with whatever girls crossed our paths. Which reminds me, Andrew, remember those twins we came across down in Acapulco? Who’d have thought that they were both Olympic gymnasts, and that they could be so.... flexible?

I’m getting off topic here. Life meant work. Andrew was busy being a lawyer, taking on disreputable clients and living down to the worst expectations people have about lawyers. I was busy establishing a dental practice and finding out just how much people hate dentists. I don’t know why, I mean, just because we dope people up and inflict all sorts of high pitched drills and picks into their teeth and then take them for hundreds of bucks and tell them we’ll see them in six months.

And there I go again, getting off topic again. We were busy working, so it cut back on the whole drinking and carousing thing we did in college. That, and it’s kind of a problem if you’ve got a legal or dental practice and you find yourself in the news the following morning for throwing up on the governor after one too many Jack Daniels. We got away with that in college- though Governor Mathis never forgave us- but you can’t get away with that after college.

So we were becoming, for lack of a better term, at least somewhat more respectable. Not sleeping around as much as we did. Oh, come on, Father Darlow, stop looking like such a grouch. I’m just saying it like it is.

Well, eventually, along came Amy. The blushing bride, who seems to be casting daggers at me with her eyes right about now. Hi, Amy. Trust me, I haven’t even mentioned the story about the three strippers at the bachelor party.

Amy and Andrew fell in love, and Andrew got all settled down and happy. It’s a wonderful thing too. For two people to find the person they fit with and make a lifetime commitment, it astonishes me, but these two really were meant for each other. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me. To Amy and Andrew, may you have years of happiness and joy, may all your dreams come true, and may your marriage be blessed and free of annoying in-laws. No, Mrs. Deveraux, I didn't mean you, I was referring to Andrew's no good brother Ryan, who as we speak is busy drinking the scotch and making a pass at that waitress.

By the way, I still haven’t figured out where that stripper left her g-string."


  1. Very interesting story. I'm wondering how much of it was autobiographical. Well, actually, it was Father Darlow who was doing the wondering. I told him I didn't know, but if I had to guess...well, then someone walked in and the conversation ended. That's not true, either. Barlow collapsed and died of a stroke. I didn't want to tell you that cuz you might experience some guilt, but after reading this a second time I don't think that is a problem.

    Great fun, though! :)

  2. P.S. You don't happen to have Sister Bridget's phone number do you? A friend of mine was interested.

  3. I wonder how long it took them to get to divorce court?

  4. Um, is Andrew still allowed to hang around with you?

  5. @Lowell: the poor priest. Doomed to a life of celibacy. Sister Bridget has gone into hiding after this one.

    @Mari: thanks!

    @Norma: inside of a month.

    @Cheryl: fortunately Andrew is a fiction. I would never make a speech like this with a friend!

  6. If the Best Man and Big Al combine forces, no wedding will be safe!

  7. Loved the post! Haha...look at the photo bomber!

  8. Yeah, no one wants Big Al in their wedding photo. ;)

  9. Do you still have any friends left that invite you to their wedding AND give the speech?


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