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Monday, May 2, 2016

Spilled Blood And A Few Cups Of Tea

World’s Most Prolific Serial Killer Arrested; Readers Horrified

Calgary (CP) An arrest this weekend is sending shockwaves through law enforcement, legal circles, and the literary world. The unlikeliest of suspects is now charged with ten counts of first degree murder in Canada, with authorities in many countries predicting that number will skyrocket in the days and weeks to come.

RCMP officers made the arrest on Saturday afternoon during an author’s meet and greet at a local bookstore in Calgary. The lead investigator in the case was the legendary Inspector Lars Ulrich, scourge of criminals, loather of entertainment reporters, and most definitely not the drummer from Metallica. The Inspector remains tight lipped about the investigation and the arrest, offering no firm comment to reporters who turned up at his detachment in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, aside from a terse warning that he was not that Lars Ulrich.

The arrest was made nonetheless, in front of scores of fans of a well known mystery writer, all of whom were in shock by the turn of events, and eager to speak of what they saw. “We couldn’t believe it,” Ellen Davis told reporters, teary eyed and still clutching a book by the author, less than a half hour after the suspect had been hauled out by Mounties, kicking and screaming and vowing revenge. “I mean, I’ve grown up reading her novels and her plots about cold blooded murder, but seriously... a murderer herself? I mean, she always comes across like your kind and wise grandmother baking a batch of cookies. How on earth could Jessica Fletcher be a murderer? This has to be a mistake.”

Fletcher, who has spent decades writing a series of murder mysteries from her home in Cabot Cove, Maine, has often consulted with police departments at home and abroad, seemingly always caught up in a murder mystery wherever she went. Cabot Cove, with a population of some three thousand souls, has often been cited for its rather high murder rate- ten to fifteen homicides in a year is disproportionate for a town of its size- and that has been the case for decades- ever since Fletcher moved to the town with her late husband Frank Fletcher. “Used to be, this was a peaceful town,” local doctor Lyle Tupper admitted to reporters. “The most the police department had to do was issue tickets. Then we started seeing all these murders on such a regular basis. My dad was the sheriff back then... if he was still around, he’d be horrified by this... by being totally snookered by someone he trusted.”

Indeed, the news of the arrest caused another death in the sleepy town. Retired doctor Seth Hazlitt, a long time friend of the accused, upon hearing of Fletcher’s arrest, suffered a massive and fatal heart attack. Before passing away, witnesses reported that Hazlitt gasped, “Was I blind? How could I not have seen?”

Fletcher’s publisher, New American Library, have chosen to remain silent about the investigation; experts have already suggested the company’s stock will plummet with the arrest of their most prominent writer. “It’s a huge shock for them,” Evan Parker, a finance professor on staff at the University of Toronto remarked. “Their biggest name, arrested on ten counts of murder. You don’t just trot out a marketing executive to reassure their readers that this must be a mistake.”

The local police in Cabot Cove have remained tight lipped in their investigation; Tupper’s brother Angus is the sheriff, heading up an investigation that has now spun out of the Calgary arrest. A source, speaking anonymously, confirmed that a secret journal has been found in Fletcher’s home upon executing a search warrant. “It’s an account of murder after murder, of framing innocent people for her acts,” the source confided. “We’re talking about a murder toll in the thousands. All starting with her late husband.”

If that turns out to be true, the mystery writer, should she be found guilty, will go down in history as the most prolific serial killer of all time. The allegations not only have it that Fletcher has committed murder, but framed others for her acts. Looking into her history, some of the people put away as a result of Fletcher’s consultations with law enforcement were in fact put to death in capital punishment states. Many languish behind bars- are they or are they not innocent? It is a question that many law enforcement agencies and prosecutors are asking themselves now. Are there hundreds, or even thousands of cases across the world where justice was not done, and people were wrongfully incarcerated or even executed thanks to the diabolical manipulations of the real killer?

The case in Calgary is formidable enough. Ten murders, all taking place during a three week period in which Fletcher has been present. The author had been in the city researching a book,  and the victims started adding up. No apparent pattern tied the victims together- they were of different ages, different ethnic groups, both men and women. Ulrich, whose fearsome and no nonsense reputation are already well known, as is his dedication to duty, kicking butt, and taking names, was called in to head up the investigation by colleagues in the Calgary Police Service.

A civilian staffer for the CPS, speaking anonymously, told this reporter, “She just showed up out of nowhere. It was her, I mean, we all know Jessica Fletcher when we see her. She’s a famous novelist, meddler in police investigations, so it wasn’t a surprise when she turned up at our detachment and started offering her services in the investigation. Something about the Inspector, though. I’d say he’s naturally suspicious about everyone and everything. Particularly when at first they mix him up with that Metallica drummer. That might well have been her first mistake.”

Ulrich- who is often given to unleashing bloody revenge on entertainment reporters after epic chases across the landscape when they mistake him for the Metallica drummer- let Fletcher off by saying he wasn’t that Lars Ulrich, and told her to stay out of his investigation. The Inspector has in the past saved the world from megalomaniacs, singlehandedly thrashed thousands of Rush Limbaugh supporters, and taken down super-villains and mad scientists. Whether or not Fletcher was trying to throw him off his game by annoying him is a matter only she may know.

We do know that the Inspector led the investigation into the murders, and that the arrest was made. Evidence into what led Ulrich to arrest Fletcher has yet to be revealed. And yet Fletcher is now behind bars, denied bail, and subjected to mental health testing to deem if she is fit to stand trial. Prosecutors are tight lipped at present, only saying that they are confident in the evidence.

In a related matter, from Los Angeles, where Metallica is recording their latest album, Burst Eardrums, drummer Lars Ulrich was stunned when he spoke with reporters. “Jessica Fletcher? Under arrest? For murder? But she’s my favourite writer! All that unmasking of murderers in the most dramatic of ways? Is there anything better to read than that? Hey, I’m lucky my eyes are still pretty good for reading at this point in life. My ears are totally shot to hell.”

Readers across the world, long since fans of the author, are in shock, cluttering up social media with comments of support on multiple platforms. “We love you, Jessica!” was one tweet from someone calling themselves @FletcherFan1. “Total frame job!” was the reassuring tweet from a new account @FreeJessicaFletcher. Alison Murphy, president of the Jessica Fletcher Fan Club, issued a terse statement by email: “We hope and pray that this is all a terrible misunderstanding and that our Jessica will be freed from custody with the biggest apology of all time for this travesty.”

Grady Fletcher, the suspect’s favourite nephew, arrived in Calgary, accompanied by an attorney, Eve Simpson, also a Cabot Cove resident, representing Fletcher herself. Simpson, a longtime realtor who turned to the law five years ago, was busy conferring with her client. Reporters found Grady Fletcher looking shaken and stunned. It may well be a common expression for the man. “I don’t get it. This has to be a mistake. How could no one ever see it? She lives in a place where lots of people end up getting murdered. She goes to a place for one reason or another, and someone gets murdered. I mean, there’s even an old joke about it. They call it the Cabot Cove Syndrome. I want to believe the best of my aunt... I mean, she never tried to kill me, after all. But she’s in that jail cell ranting and roaring, pacing back and forth, yelling about getting the head of that Metallica drummer on a pike.”

While Inspector Ulrich isn’t talking, this reporter went to his detachment, finding a constable who would only speak briefly. After hearing what Grady Fletcher had said, the constable shrugged, then smiled in a way that suggested he wasn’t the least bit concerned. “Inspector Ulrich is the man who made Godzilla turn tail and run. Jessica Fletcher is a ninety year old battleaxe sociopath smartypants murder suspect. I can speak for everyone who knows him when I say that I’d like to see her try.”

In the opinion of this reporter.... never underestimate Lars Ulrich.


  1. Didn't you know? She's the female version of Columbo. :) Only Columbo was a true detective. She's just a nosy old woman. lol

  2. Your post made perfect sense. Yes. She very well could be a serial killer.

  3. I haven't seen an episode of Murder She Wrote in ages. Kind of makes me want to see if it's on Netflix, even if she is a serial killer :)

  4. I wondered where Lars had been hiding. Good to see him in top form.

  5. @Diane: Columbo was the best!

    @Shelly: and she's out to get everyone.

    @Meradeth: I'm sure there are eps out there.

    @Cheryl: the proof was there all along!

    @Mari: Lars has been impatient with me.

  6. I'd be scared if Jessica showed up in my town. ;)

  7. Loved the TV show.
    If anyone misbehaved I would say I am inviting Jessica for dinner.

    cheers, parsnip and thehamish

  8. Does Lars play hockey? If he does, I wouldn't want to be an entertainment reporter in line with one of his shots....

  9. OMG, this is too funny. I never knew Jessica but I saw her once going into a shop in New York City. She looked just like a normal, non-serial killer at the time. Great post!

  10. GREAT!! And to think I never suspected anything behind that kindly grandmother facade;).

  11. Ah, Jessica will turn the tables and it will be Lars who dun it. Just wait and see.
    (Sorry, Jessica's my secret aunt)


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