Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, May 23, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

Once more we come to that time when we must hear from the resident dog and cat, starting, as always, with the point of view of the hound...

7:21 AM. Waking up. Had strange dreams. There I was up in a tree, barking down at the ground, where a squirrel was standing laughing at me. Damned squirrels.... they are a blight of the first order and such a pain in the tail.

7:23 AM. Looking outside. Things are looking nice and pleasant. We had rain in the night, but it’s sunny now. That means plenty of mud puddles out there for me to go running around in.

7:26 AM. The human comes downstairs. Good morning, human! How are you today? Say, how about a bit of breakfast? A bowl of kibbles would do very nicely right about now. I’m just saying. 

7:31 AM. Wolfing down breakfast. Not quite at my fastest record pace, but certainly within the top five finishes of all time.

7:35 AM. Out the door for my morning run. See you later, human!

7:43 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off. Woof woof woof!

7:51 AM. Pausing along one of the fences. Four turkeys are perched up on the top railing, staring at me and gobbling among themselves. Unfortunately turkey speak is not one of my known languages, so I have no idea what they’re talking about. I suspect they’re plotting something disreputable

7:52 AM. Staring up at the turkeys. They’re staring back at me. As birds go, they are pretty ugly. Yes, well, gobble gobble away, but I’m outta here. I’ve got some mud puddles to splash around in.

8:05 AM. Stopping in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrel. Hello, Spike!

8:07 AM. After our customary canine greetings, Spike and I compare notes on sightings of the enemy.

8:09 AM. I relate my strange dream to Spike about the squirrel. He suggests I need to refrain from eating mushroom pizza before bed. But Spike, it's so delicious!

8:12 AM. Spike and I discuss the presence of the turkeys in the area. We agree that turkeys are hideously ugly, but he adds that he’s seen something even uglier.

8:13 AM. Spike tells me about the trip his humans took last year to Australia, and all the photos they brought back. He explains that there’s something down there called a platypus, which looks like an assembly of spare parts. Who names these things anyway?

8:17 AM. Spike and I go our separate ways. We agree that we must be on our guard. We are certain that the squirrels are up to something.

8:23 AM. On my way home. Pausing in my tracks. There before me... is one really big pool of water and mud.

8:24 AM. Splashing and rolling about. Life is good!

8:33 AM. Coming back home, pleased with myself. Barking to alert the human. It is I! Loki, Chewer of Slippers and Annoyance Of Mailmen.

8:34 AM. The human opens the back door and sees just how muddy I am. She quickly shuts the door before I can scramble inside.

8:37 AM. Being subjected to a very unwelcome bath courtesy of the garden hose at the hands of the human. Come on, human, I’m not that dirty! Mud dries up sooner or later, right?

8:41 AM. Enduring the nuisance of the Towel of Torment. The things I put up with...

12:32 PM. Lunch with the human. I manage to mooch a couple of dinner rolls.

1:36 PM. Out in the front yard while the human does some gardening. I give the mailman a fierce barking at when he shows up to drop off some mail. Leave mail in our box, will you? Just what are you up to? And don’t tell me you’re just doing your job.

1:38 PM. Have finished barking now that the mailman is gone. Good riddance!

5:48 PM. The human’s making dinner. I detect the smell of sausage.

6:22 PM. Dinner with the human. Boy, sausage tastes good this time of year. Mind you, it also tastes good in the summer, and in the fall, and in the winter...

11:29 PM. The human is off to bed. Well, I think I’ll stay down here tonight, human. I have some strange suspicions that those weird turkeys might try to pull something in the middle of the night. And when I say something, I mean, like world domination. Does that sound odd to you, or is it just me?


  1. As always wonderful post today and much needed.
    In Junior High School, Daughter wrote a story about the platypus. It was about all the parts of other animals didn't want and so the Platypus was left with them. It was so wonderful. She illustrated it also. I have tears just thinking about what a wonderful English project it was.

    cheers, parsnip and thehamish

  2. I agree with the first pup. The snooze button is the greatest invention ever!

  3. Love the hounds on the giant sofa.

  4. Yeah, dogs totally have a problem with personal space.

  5. I must admit to considering the dogs when choosing furniture!

  6. @Parsnip: thank you.

    @Norma: it really is.

    @Shelly: so did I.

    @Auden: they do!

    @Lynn: it's a good idea to do so.

  7. I have a couch cushion that definitely doesn't have anything interesting inside of it, which I now know because it's spread from hell to breakfast in my house.

  8. Awww, hahahahaha! Yes, the huge, gnarly, monster IS behind you!! Animals make the BEST memes. :)

  9. I especially liked the one with the dog's head caught in the cat door. No, I've never tried that myself. Really. No, I have not. Not. Really.

    But the Golden spoke to me as she was a spitting image of our beloved Haley! She is dearly missed!

  10. So cute. Thanks for the laughs about the platypus and wild turkeys taking over the world. Great memes too. Can't pick just one.


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