Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, May 7, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now we turn to the cat's point of view. Your Grace? The floor is yours. Along with everything else.

7:26 AM. Waking up at home. Dreamed of a vast field of catnip. 

7:35 AM. The staff comes downstairs. Well, staff, it’s about time. Now then, I would remind you that this is the weekend, and therefore you are at my disposal to spoil me as rotten as you possibly can, and I will not take no for an answer in that regard, are we clear?

7:39 AM. I am quite puzzled. The staff isn’t making me breakfast. This could be a problem. Okay, staff, I am fully aware you tend to feed me field rations for breakfast, but why are you not feeding me yet? This is quite perplexing.

7:42 AM. Expressing my confusion about why the staff isn’t feeding me. She’s ignoring my meows. Staff, this is not a good way to start off the weekend.

7:48 AM. Okay, so what’s going on? The staff is not forthcoming with breakfast, so she must be up to something. Whatever it is, it can’t be good. Could it be an impending visit by one of her idiot relations? No, that doesn’t make sense. Okay, what else could it be? Is she forgetful of the time? This might require some meditation and thought.

7:54 AM. I can hear the sound of that irritating dog barking in the distance. Just as long as he stays away from my property. I simply do not abide the presence of any hounds intruding on the vastness of my personal domain.

8:03 AM. Deep in meditation. The staff picks me up. Well, staff, did it occur to you that you’ve missed feeding me my morning meal?

8:04 AM. Wait a minute.... the staff’s putting me into the cat carrier! Hey! Nobody said you could do that!

8:06 AM. Meowing my protests as the staff carries me through the house. Staff, this is unacceptable! I only go into this thing when I want to, and I will not abide having the door closed on me. Open this up this minute and let me out!

8:09 AM. In the car. The staff is starting up the engine. Okay, staff, where are we going? Because nothing good comes from getting into a car. 

8:12 AM. The car is in motion. I am meowing my annoyance with the staff. 

8:36 AM. The staff has stopped the car somewhere. I am displeased in the most extreme sense of the word. Okay, staff, what torment are you subjecting me to? Because I swear, I’m shredding cashmere for this, do you understand me?

8:37 AM. Taken out of the back. A glance through the carrier door shows me where I am. Staff! How dare you! This is the lair of the dark beast! This is the vet’s office!

8:38 AM. Through the front doors. Seeing other cats in carriers. A couple of dogs looking anxious. Yes, as dumb as dogs might be, they recognize a place of pure evil when they see it.

8:39 AM. The staff is talking to the receptionist. I’m down on the ground, still in the carrier. Motion from down the hall... is it that demonic vet? No... wait, it’s a dog and a cat. Walking free and clear... in a vet’s office!

8:40 AM. The cat and dog stop in front of me. What are you doing? Staging an escape? The cat informs me that she and the dog live with the vet and come into the office. Wait... are you actually expecting me to believe that you live with the enemy and that you get along with dogs? What kind of bizarro alternate universe are we in?

8:42 AM. Waiting in one of those back rooms for the presence of the dark beast. The staff is talking in a reassuring way. Staff, this isn’t going to change the fact that I am very annoyed with you right now, and I will have my revenge, one way or another...

8:46 AM. The door opens, and there she is. The dark beast. The arch foe. The demonic vet. Chattering away to my staff as if she’s not the ultimate evil.

8:52 AM. The dark beast is giving me a shot while the staff is holding me. Vengeance will be mine...

8:59 AM. The demonic vet is done with me, chattering away about my next check up, while the staff seems perfectly oblivious to my annoyance. I have no interest in ever seeing you again, you evil despicable miscreant!

9:03 AM. Being taken out through the main entrance. I spot that annoying dog from down the road, looking decidedly unhappy to be here. For once I can relate. Hey, dog! Give that vet a bite in the hand for me!

9:45 AM. Back home. The staff opens the carrier door. I bolt right out and sprint upstairs. I am very displeased with you right now, staff!!!!

5:49 PM. Coming back downstairs. Had a long nap after brooding about revenge on the vet. Brooded some more after the nap. Then I took another nap. Thinking of yelling at the staff some more for daring to take me to a check up at the vet. Finding her in the kitchen doing some cooking There you are, staff! You and I are going to have some words, and I’m going to... hey, is that chicken I smell?

6:36 PM. Dinner with the staff. Spoiled rotten as compensation for the whole vet thing. Cold milk and chicken at least is some compensation for the ordeal that is a trip to see the dark beast. But understand this staff: never again, do you hear me? Never again!

10:02 PM. Musing on the fate of that cat and dog who actually live with the vet. I wonder if they're brainwashed.

11:35 PM. The staff is off to bed. I’m going to stay down here. Maybe figure out a way to hide that cat carrier so the staff can never take me to the vet again. Speaking of which, I wonder if that irritating mutt did what I wanted and bit the arch foe?


  1. Dark chocolate cat has semi-sweet thoughts. ha!

  2. Cats are cute, cuddly...and ruthless!

  3. Absolutely love James Pond and his cat client!

  4. Love Love Love , Cat logic !

    cheers, parsnip and thehamish

  5. You have a way with cats - you understand them and you know exactly what they are like. This morning, my cat walked up to my mouth to make sure I was breathing, then walked over my head to plop down on the other side. That lasted about two minutes, then she scurried down to the end of the bed where she snuggled up to my legs so I couldn't move. If I did try to move she bit my toes! I finally gave up and got up!

  6. I wish I could sleep anywhere and be comfortable.

  7. @Lynn: semi sweet only!

    @Norma: they are!

    @Cheryl: they're quite a pair.

    @Parsnip: it does make sense.

    @Lowell: that is a very cat thing to do.

    @Kelly: humans lack the flexibility to do that.

  8. I can't decide which is funnier; James Pond or watching the cat chase its tail for five minutes.

  9. I kissed a girl and didn't like it. Coffee must have brains? LOL!

  10. Awesome post! Adorable and logical cats!

  11. I love them all, but the tail-chasing one made me laugh out loud.


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