Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, April 18, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Cat


7:29 AM. Waking up at home, finding myself in a sun puddle. Very good of you, sun, to wake me up in such a pleasing fashion. 


7:32 AM. Looking outside. Things look pleasant out there today. Perhaps I should spend some time outside. Okay, wait. This is a work day, isn’t it? Can I convince the staff to leave the door ajar? Or perhaps one of the windows so I can go in and out at my leisure?


7:36 AM. The staff comes downstairs, all dressed for the day. Staff, I’m expecting breakfast post haste before you go, and I expect it would be better suited if it wasn’t involving field rations or anything like that. After all, as a superior life form, I deserve only the best...


7:39 AM. The staff disappoints me by giving me field rations. I walk away to show my disdain.


7:44 AM. The staff is on her way out. I accompany her out the door. It’s a warm enough day, after all, and if in desperate straits, I suppose I can go down the road and pay a visit to Mrs. McIntyre. She knows how to thoroughly spoil cats.


7:49 AM. Sitting out on the back deck. The staff is gone off for the day. Unfortunately she decided not to leave the door ajar. This is a conundrum inside of an enigma all wrapped up with a puzzle ribbon. I am now stuck outside, and that is to be the status quo for several hours to come. 

Okay, genius, now what?


7:52 AM. I can hear the distant barking of that irritating mutt from down the road. I have no idea what purpose dogs serve in this world, but surely it can’t be anything good, can it?


8:08 AM. Hearing distant crashing and noises in the woods. Either it’s that annoying hound out on his daily amblings, or some wild animal that doesn’t mind making its presence known all over the place. I would imagine it must be the former. 


8:12 AM. And sure enough... it’s the annoying hound.


8:13 AM. The infernal dog approaches. I hiss at him.


8:14 AM. And now he’s wagging his tail. Come on, dog, I get that you’re dumb. I mean, all dogs are dumb, but seriously, how can you not know that wagging tails are a sign of open hostility as far as cats are concerned? 


8:15 AM. The mutt appears to be unable to take a hint.


8:16 AM. How dare you, you vile hound? Shaking all that water and mud out of your fur and onto me??? That is not funny! Do you hear me? Not funny!


8:17 AM. Chewing out the dog and making threats. Yelling at him and casting doubt about his parentage. The dog is leaving and swearing it won’t happen again. Hey! Do you think I’d ever believe a word you have to say?


8:19 AM. Taking stock of the mud and water soaked fur situation. This is going to take quite a lot of cat grooming and patience to clean me up. Sooner or later, dog when you’re least expecting it, I will have my revenge upon you. 


8:43 AM. Finishing up with the cleaning process. My tongue has the taste of mud on it. At times like this I can understand what humans see in showers.


11:36 AM. Waking up from a nap. Fortunately that despicable dog hasn’t come back.


12:07 PM. Out on a walk. Stopping by to see Mrs. McIntyre, who by good fortune is out in her garden.


12:19 PM. Enjoying a nicely chilled bowl of milk and some tuna courtesy of Mrs. McIntyre. Purring madly. Any chance you can train my staff into proper spoiling of felines?


2:06 PM. Having had spent a good deal of time getting spoiled rotten by Mrs. McIntyre, it’s time to take my leave and head for home. Delivering a head bonk and loud purring as a parting. See you later, Mrs. McIntyre... always a pleasure to have your company.


2:23 PM. Back home. Heading to the back yard. Running a complete check around the property for any sign that the dog has been around. Fortunately no trace of him. Wondering if I should call in a favour from a porcupine. That would treat the dog right for that whole super soaker shaking of the fur this morning. 


5:31 PM. Awakened by the sound of a car door opening. Walking around the house. Well, staff, it’s about time. By the way, you might have to power wash parts of the back deck. Some of that mud even hit the window. Though I can say with authority and certainty that I had nothing to do with it.


5:34 PM. Inside with the staff. She expresses confusion as to how mud could have turned up on the kitchen window.


6:02 PM. Supervising the staff while she makes dinner. Now then, staff, none of those sprouts for me. You can have all of those.


6:36 PM. Dinner with the staff. Some nice beef makes up for the fact that I’ve been outside all day. Aside from all that time I spent with Mrs. McIntyre getting spoiled rotten, but let’s not bring that up with the staff.


11:45 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. I’ll stay down here. I’ve had more than my share of naps today, so I’ll stay awake for awhile. Probably plot my revenge on that despicable mutt from down the road.

13 comments:

  1. The dry clean only cat very much resembles a shirt I accidentally washed recently--although at least the shirt didn't have claws!

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  2. Grump Cat hates Bruce Willis?

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  3. Your Day in the Life of series would make great books! Sending the dog and cat in sweaters to my mother-in-law--she'll love it!

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  4. A funny one today and the sinking mattress beat Grumpy Cat today.

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  5. @Kelly: no!

    @Meradeth: so much the better!

    @Shelly: Grumpy would have preferred the end of the world!

    @Maria: thank you!

    @Mari: that is cute.

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  6. I need to share Grumpy more often.

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  7. I really love your animal videos. My cat woke me up this morning by climbing on my head purring like an old roadster!

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  8. As I said before, the cat always gets the last word. And when it's Grumpy Cat, the last word can be kinda mean!

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  9. The parade of cats going to the unmarried woman's place is so true!

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  10. This is wonderful. Love it! We have two cats, and as long as they don't grow thumbs, my wife and I can continue to stay in the house.

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