The Egomaniac Comes To Riverdale

Self Absorbed Director Announces New Comic Books Film Adaptation; Fans Outraged

Los Angeles (AP) Reporters were summoned this week to the offices of Digital Domain, home to director Michael Bay, who has unleashed the Transformers franchise on the world, as well as Pearl Harbor and Armageddon. The director, prone to filling his films with explosions, loud noise, more explosions, babes waxing cars, and even more explosions, has been announcing many new projects over the last couple of years, leaving one wondering when the whole lot will ever be done.

Real reporters were among the crowd, doomed to be here for one reason or another, often because of their vindictive editors, wretched fiends who have no... (editor: hey! Don’t you even get started, you hear me? I have every reason to despise you!) Entertainment reporters were mixed in as well, outnumbering the real reporters. Entertainment reporters were gushing with anticipation, wondering what their hero might have to say. The real reporters were rolling their eyes in anticipation of whatever the blowhard egomaniac might have to say.

All of us were gathered in the usual auditorium on the premises, with the buzz of the dementedly stupid entertainment reporters filling the space. The stage had its usual podium in place, with a full length mirror in place beside it. A spokeswoman finally came out, announcing the arrival of her boss. And out he came. Michael Bay was smiling in his deliriously gleeful way, rather like a deer in the headlights. He was dressed in his usual style- blue jeans, denim shirt, and casual blazer. And as always, his hair was dishevelled and he had three or four days of stubble on his face.

Bay strode out onto the stage, waving. The entertainment reporters applauded wildly. The real reporters collectively rolled their eyes and sighed with dismay. The director grinned and laughed, pointed at some of the crowd, and walked up to the podium. He took in a good look at his reflection in the mirror, smiled again, and then faced the crowd.

“Hello!” Bay called out in that overly cheerful totally in love with himself way. “How wonderful of you all to come. But of course you’d want to come, wouldn’t you? Because everyone wants to know what great project I have in mind for my next film, right? Of course right. Because I’m the greatest film director ever.” He laughed again, oblivious to those real reporters who were repeatedly rolling their eyes. Just how stupid was he? That was a question that couldn’t be answered- but needless to say, Bay is really dumb (editor: hey! Stop insulting Michael Bay! I love his films!)

This reporter, doomed by a cranky editor to pointless assignments like this, simply because his cranky editor was born cranky and it just got worse from there (editor: hey! Shut up or I’ll send you to somewhere with a raging Ebola outbreak!) This reporter, stuck here regardless, settled in for the long haul of putting up with the self absorbed ramblings of a halfwit hack of a director (editor: what did I just tell you?).

Bay smiled and got to the point. “You know, I’ve done a lot of great, great work over the years. Big films, epic stories, lots of explosions, babes, Aerosmith theme songs, and more explosions. For some reason the Oscars haven’t given me my due yet, but that’s just a matter of time. You know, when I look at my film history, there’s something I really haven’t done. Not really- I mean, sure, the Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have had comics done, but basically those started out as toys. I haven’t really done a comic book adaptation into film.”

He shrugged. “And comic book adaptations have become really big business as of late. And I’m really well suited for that sort of film. Now I had been going around to Marvel to see if they’d let me direct one of their big franchise films. They told me to go to hell. Seems they didn’t like the idea of me recasting Captain America with Shia LaBeouf for some reason. I don’t know why, I mean, can’t you see Shia wielding that shield and yelling Revengers Assemble?”

“Are you aware it’s the Avengers, not the Revengers?” one reporter asked.

Bay looked confused. “There’s a difference? That doesn’t matter. Marvel wouldn’t do business with me. It’s annoying, but hey, they don’t recognize a sure thing when they see it, that’s their problem, not mine. Anyway, so I went to DC. It seems they don’t want anything to do with me either. Hell, if they’re too short sighted to recognize true genius when they see it, that’s their loss. Anyway, I considered talking to Image about adapting one of their works, but seriously, who cares less about Spawn? Except Todd McFarlane, and if you ask me, that guy has an ego problem. Totally narcissistic, totally in love with himself, totally oblivious to reality.”

This reporter spoke up. “Has it occurred to you that might apply to you?”

Bay seemed puzzled. “What? I’m humble and modest. Isn’t it obvious?” He looked at himself in the mirror again, nodded to himself, and smiled. Then he continued. “And then I realized what comics world I wanted to adapt in a movie. An epic movie with babes waxing cars and explosions and Aerosmith doing a theme song and some more explosions and did I mention the explosions? A beloved character whose hijinks have amused countless readers for decades. I decided I wanted to direct an adaptation of Archie.”

Real reporters groaned and rolled their eyes. Entertainment reporters broke out in applause. The comic book tales of Archie Andrews and his teenage friends have been around for years, presenting a group of vacant headed nitwits in an idyllic unchanging town, where these characters are always teenagers. It is a world of a ginger haired moron caught between two girls, a world of an overeating anorexic with a weird hat and a weird name, a world of a dimwitted football jock who got hit in the head too many times with a ball and bears the name of an animal... (editor: Hey! Stop making fun of Archie Comics! I love reading those!)

“Archie Comics? Seriously?” another reporter asked.

“Of course I’m serious,” Bay insisted. “Now, we’d have to put them all up in age a few years, because my cast really don’t seem to fit the teenager model anymore. So we’ve got young adults instead of teenagers, but in one way or another, they’re all still loyal to living in Riverdale. That idyllic town will, over the course of the movie, become ground zero for the fate of a country, with a megalomaniac original character- he has to be an original, because I don’t think the readers would forgive me making Dilton into the villain- posing a threat to the whole world, and with only a gang of loyal and not so loyal friends standing in his way.”

Bay paused before continuing. “Now then, let’s introduce the cast, and for once, I’m starting with the villain of the piece. One of my favourite actors, folks, and he’s going to be playing the pivotal antagonist, the nephew of a long time Riverdale character, the ruthless mad bomber Wolfgang Weatherbee... ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Nicolas Cage!”

The real reporters continued with the groans, sighs of dismay, and eye rolling. The entertainment reporters clapped wildly. Cage came out on stage, staggering as if a bit drunk. “Hello! Thanks for coming out! It’s going to be fun playing this role.” He lit up a cigar with a hundred dollar bill, confirming the idea that he’s really bad with money.

“Mr. Cage, how can anyone buy the notion of you playing the nephew of a rotund principal?” this reporter asked as the actor joined Bay, the two laughing as if at some shared joke.

Cage shrugged. “Don’t confuse me with logic. It’s a comic book movie. Logic doesn’t apply.”

Bay smiled. “You know, I wanted to cast a natural red head as the lead in this. I thought of the actor who played Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter films, and on a complete aside, I’m still miffed that I never got to direct one of those movies. Well, long story short, Rupert Grint told me that if magic was real he’d use one of those forbidden curses on me. Then I thought, does Archie Andrews really need to be a red head? Or could I talk another actor into getting a dye job? Well, I talked to this guy... and he said he was willing to colour his hair. Ladies and gentlemen, you absolutely loved him in The Lone Ranger, and you’ll love him again as the lead in this film... say hello to Armie Hammer!”

The actor with the world’s dumbest name came out on stage, looking as one would expect of him: befuddled and confused. He waved, walking over to Bay and Cage, seeming as if he’d been hit in the head far too many times. “It’s great to play such an iconic character!” he called out. The collective eye rolling and groans continued to circulate among the real reporters- honestly, did anyone in the world love The Lone Ranger? Aside perhaps from this reporter’s cranky editor (editor: don’t even think of insulting that masterpiece of cinema!)

Bay carried on speaking. “One of my favourite actors, playing the pivotal role of Jughead Jones, I’m giving him a chance to play a comedic role... ladies and gentlemen, give a big hand to the one, the only... Shia LaBeouf!”

The actor came out on stage, smiling like an idiot, waving. “Hello!” he called out. “You have come to see Shia! And Shia is pleased that you are here to bask in all that is Shia!” LaBeouf strode over to join Bay and his fellow cast members.

Bay spoke again. “One of the big aspects to these comics is the eternal rivalry between two women, both obsessed about Archie. One is incredibly rich, spoiled, and selfish. The other is good natured but just a little crazy. Ladies and gentlemen, first, playing the pampered princess Veronica Lodge, an actress I’ve worked with a whole lot, and perfect for this role... Megan Fox!”

The actress came out on stage, dressed in her usual revealing outfit sort of style, blowing kisses and giving the reporters an eyeful of her cleavage. “Great to be here!”

Fox joined the group, and Bay continued to speak. “And the other half of that equation, an actress I haven’t worked with before, but I’m looking forward to work with this time... she’s playing the radiant Betty Cooper... ladies and gentlemen, give a big hand to Emma Roberts!”

The actress came out on stage, looking nervous. “Look, that guy swindled me into signing a contract for one film. I don’t like it any more than you do, and I’m going to have my lawyer find a way to get me out of this.”

Bay laughed. “Isn’t she funny? Okay, that’s the main casting thus far... I’ve still got to cast Reggie and Dilton and Moose and Midge and Weatherbee and so many other roles... but it’s going to be a big epic film. Heroes against a villain. Explosions! Cat fights between Betty and Veronica! Impossibly huge meals eaten by Jughead! Explosions! Aerosmith doing a theme song! And more explosions! It’s all going to come in the epic film Archie Vs  Weatherbee: Doom Of Riverdale! Isn’t that a great title?”

Bay and the cast strode off the stage, some more quickly than others. Bay himself was last- pausing to give a wink at his reflection in the mirror. Entertainment reporters were deliriously happy. And the real reporters were shaking their heads with dismay. What had we done to be doomed to cover Michael Bay press conferences? Especially for a comic book adaptation no one was asking for? In fact... (editor: hey! Michael Bay and Archie are a great combination! Stop criticizing true genius!)

The last word goes to fans of the comics. Ashley Charles, president of the Worldwide Archie Devotees Association, expressed her rage at the announcement. “Michael Bay is a horrible director who has no idea how horrible he is. We’ve all seen what he’s done to other franchises when he’s directed them. We can’t let him do that to Archiekins and Jughead and Betty and Veronica and Moose and Dilton and....” She went on and on, reciting nearly every character in the Archieverse for twenty minutes. “And we won’t let this stand!” she told reporters. “We’re going to march on Michael Bay and we’re going to show him what happens to people who mess with Archie fans.”

In a low, threatening tone, she coldly declared, “And we take our lessons on revenge from the untold tales of Professor Flutesnoot. He wasn’t just a chemistry teacher, you know...”

In the opinion of this reporter, the membership of the Worldwide Archie Devotees Association need to develop better tastes in reading material. Though it might be far too late for some of them, such as this reporter’s cranky editor, who... (editor: I’m having you chopped up and fed to Jughead.)