Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Can We Vote For None Of The Above?

Candidates Persist In Endless Election Campaign; Voters Hedge Bets

Washington (AP) Five candidates remain between the two parties vying for the presidency of the United States. On the Democrat side, Bernie Sanders continues to interfere in Hillary Clinton’s crusade to take what she believes belongs to her. On the Republican side, developer blowhard Donald Trump persists in alienating endless groups of people while attracting dimwits, a problem copied by his chief rival, Ted Cruz, and Governor John Kasich remains a dark horse contender, at least until the convention.

The Republican nominees, at one point numbering in the dozens, has been whittled down increasingly in recent weeks. Marco Rubio recently stepped aside after losing in his home state. Hulk Hogan, the controversial ex-wrestler who launched an unlikely bid, finally withdrew, but promised that if asked, “I’ll bust up Trump again, brother!” This of course was a reference to the fact that Hogan and his campaign manager, Ric Flair, beat up the developer months ago and put him in a body cast.

It is an attack that Trump has not forgotten. Aside from vowing blood vengeance against the wrestler, he’s spent time savaging every single opponent in the most vulgar ways, even while confined to a body cast. He has attacked members of the media with regularity. He has launched dimwitted rants against multiple minorities. And he has brought out the absolute worst in his supporters, even gaining the support of the Ku Klux Klan and its former leader David Duke along the way. All the while, Trump has responded viciously to any even minor criticism or insult, proving that he has the thinnest skin of any public figure alive today.

Last week, Trump put his foot in his overly sized mouth yet again after Hogan’s withdrawal, mysteriously linking the wrestler to someone who’s not a waste of space. “Loser!” he spewed to a crowd of his supporters. “The man’s a yuuuuuuuuuuuuge loser! Terrible! Just disgusting. Can’t even finish what he started, quits when he’s not even near to being ahead, just a loser! Not a winner, not like Donald Trump. Hogan’s a washed up nobody. I mean, he’s as much of a disgusting loser as that ****ing Pope guy, let me tell you, okay? Peace on earth and do good to your fellow ****ing man? You know who says that? Losers!

Pope Francis simply shrugged when asked about Trump’s venom, and remarked, “There are some people in this world who hide their bitter miserable nature beneath a facade of braggadocio and ego. It has been my experience that there is little point in reaching them. I simply pray that the American people vote with wisdom instead of impulsiveness. Positivity instead of negativity. And if in doubt, ask yourself: do I really want a mouthy thin skinned arrogant bastard like Donald Trump anywhere near a nuclear arsenal?”

Ted Cruz has had his own share of gaffes throughout the campaign. He’s desperately trying to position himself as the only viable alternative to Trump in the party, particularly with so many other candidates fallen away. And yet he’s routinely despised within the Republican Party, and has been for years. “I know not everyone approves,” Cruz said during a stop in Albany, New York. “But who am I to deny what God has told me? The Almighty wants me to be President of the United States and to make society back to what it should be, not to what it has become. So, if you don’t vote for me, you’ll be making God mad at you.”

Renowned therapist Dr. Alexandra Patterson, a psychologist with specialities in megalomania among public figures, has been regularly rolling her eyes when consulted by reporters throughout the campaign. “I know this isn’t a clinical diagnosis, and usually I wouldn’t diagnose anyone without seeing them, but if you ask me, Trump and Cruz are both batshit crazy.”

When the blowhard heard those remarks, Trump was furious. “Loser! Loser! Disgusting! What kinda therapist is she anyway? What are her credentials? She’s just one of those loser elites who hate me and my dumbass inbred supporters.” He paused, as if hearing his own words. “Wait a minute, don’t you ****ers quote that last sentence, you hear me?”

John Kasich has been busy campaigning in New York State lately, working to shore up support before the convention, even if he is well behind Trump and Cruz. Republican party officials, desperately trying to find a way to deny Trump the nomination, might be looking at the governor as the lesser of three evils in a brokered convention. The governor, whose most recent gaffe happens to be minor- eating pizza in the wrong way- seemed optimistic in remarks to reporters out on the campaign trail. “I can tell you this- unlike Mr. Cruz or Mr. Trump, you would never see me launch a nuclear strike on Kansas just because someone in Kansas City criticized me. Maybe North Korea. That’s a joke, by the way.”

Hillary Clinton, the former senator and Secretary of State, long since presumed the front runner of the Democrats, has been busy fending off attacks on her credibility, questions about links to Wall Street donors, queries about where her husband happens to be, and suggestions that she’s behaving far too much like Gollum in her zest for the Oval Office. “It’s mine!” she screeched in a raspy voice on stage late one evening last week. “My own! My precious! I wants it! I must haves it! And no nasty Hobbits or Sanders can keep us from it!”

A campaign spokesperson, speaking strictly on anonymous terms, informed reporters that the candidate had a very long day and was tired. “In fact, it’s been a very long campaign,” she told reporters. “And a difficult one. Secretary Clinton is quite stressed out, so believe me... you don’t want to talk to her right now. She might rip your head off. Literally as well as figuratively.”

Senator Sanders continues to hit the campaign trail, seemingly tireless, meeting crowds, engaging the public, campaigning largely with a positive spin on his ideas- a change from the endless toxic nature of many of the other campaigns.  He refuses to descend into the proverbial muck of other candidates. Party officials appear oblivious, seeming to prefer Secretary Clinton as their eventual winner. “We’ll see what we see,” Sanders told reporters. “I think it’s more important to connect with people right now than to dwell on what the party’s thinking.”

Many voters remain undecided. With Cruz and Trump in front of the Republican list, and Hillary demanding a coronation among the Democrats, there is a sense of malaise and discontent among voters, perhaps looking at other parties. A suggestion has been made for another candidate- though she isn’t even human, and has already been on the record, thanks to cat to human translation software, as refusing to run. “No,” she insisted. “I don’t care.”


  1. That's spot on. This campaign season is a mess.

  2. The local dipsticks are bad enough! Cheryl Gallant, and MacLaren. They've been so stupid! I don't know what people in Mississippi Mills are thinking! Did you read the latest?

  3. Oh My Goodness !
    I am still holding out hope for a parsnip and thehamish ticket.

    cheers, parsnip

  4. None of the above is exactly what I've been thinking.

  5. I don't think there is any more to be said. I'm still going to vote for Hillary, because there is no reasonable alternative in sight.

  6. @Auden: it really is.

    @Jennifer: I've seen the latest in the newspapers. MacLaren needs a kick in the arse. Forty thousand times.

    @Parsnip: chicken strips for everyone!

    @Kelly: it would be more palatable!

    @Lowell: between her and Trump or Cruz, it would be the lesser of the evils and run with Hillary.

  7. I don't know if I can take four years of looking at The Donald's hair(piece). It's discouraging. Very discouraging.

  8. I've said this before, William--you should be writing for Comedy Central!

  9. Though I don't live in the US of A, I do follow news and I find this post hilarious!

  10. I'm thinking of voting for that raccoon.

  11. It really serves us right if The Donald gets the Republican nomination. You know how he entered the race, right? Someone said, "Trump is too big a clown to get elected President of the United States."

    The Donald then says, "WTF?! Here, someone hold my beer. Watch this." And thus, he entered the race. LOL

  12. Ugh. This hits a little too close to home. I can't even watch the insanity in more--it's bad enough to read it.


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