The regular NHL hockey season starts for that infernal lot of buffoons otherwise known as the Toronto Maple Leafs, playing their archrivals the Montreal Canadiens. Perhaps the game will go this way, from the point of view of their dimwitted fans.
9:23 AM. Awake at home. Got the day off from work. Big night tonight. Season opener. Those despicable Canadiens are in town playin’ our boys. To hell with the Habs. This year belongs to the Leafs. Leafs Nation, baby! The Stanley Cup is comin’ home!
9:47 AM. Watchin’ Sportsnet. Lots of hockey news. Chatter about the Leafs. Lots of hope that this season works out better than last season. Hey, don’t matter about last season or how everything fell apart. That’s all in the past, and what matters now is that this year is the beginnin’ of a new dynasty for the Leafs. We’re winnin’ every single Stanley Cup from this year to the end of time. ‘Cause we deserve it. We’ve been deprived of our rightful championship for nearly fifty years. It’s been one big conspiracy by the NHL and the refs and the other teams and the Pope and the Queen and the granola munchin’ hippies and the zombie plot bunnies and the Illuminati....
9:58 AM. .....and the by-law ticket writers and CNN and the Red Hat Society and the probation officers and the Salvation Army and NASA... they’re all in on it!
10:03 AM. The sports guys are goin’ on and on ‘bout how the Blue Jays are doin’. Hey, who gives a **** about baseball or the Jays bein’ in the playoffs? The only playoffs that matter to a real Toronto fan are the Leafs winnin’ the Stanley Cup playoffs! So keep to the real important stuff, you morons!
11:37 AM. Lookin’ at the paper, readin’ some articles on our boys. Far as I’m concerned, the sports page oughtta just confine all other sports but news on the Leafs to a total of three paragraphs on the last page.
11:51 AM. Calculatin’ how many games we need to win before we’ve got our inevitable playoff spot. Nothin’ but first place overall and the Cup is acceptable this year. Hey, I mean if those Chicago Cubs can make the playoffs this year, that must mean this is the year the curse ends for us Leafs, right? Of course I'm right.
12:23 PM. Havin’ lunch. Cheesesteak sub and a beer. Good gettin’ ready for a big game meal.
1:21 PM. More Sportsnet. One of those anchors suggests that as a national sports channel, they really oughtta talk ‘bout more than our Leafs. Hey! **** you! Who gives a **** about the Canucks or the Senators or the ****in’ Canadiens or the Jets or the Oilers or the Flames or about the CFL or about baseball? The only thing that matters is the Maple Leafs! That’s your ****in’ job!
2:35 PM. Okay, time to go down to the arena... sure, it’s hours to the game, but what the ****? I can get plenty wasted beforehand and meet up with the boys.
3:12 PM. Turnin’ up at the bar. Hey, Mike! Beer here!
3:19 PM. Havin’ my second beer. Harry and Jack turn up. Hey, boys! Big night tonight!
5:31 PM. Me and Harry and Jack are talkin’ over our latest round of booze. We got lucky to just get probation after that whole stealin’ the Stanley Cup debacle. Well, hey, the judge musta been a Leafs fan. That prosecutor was ****in’ pissed at the decision. Who gives a ****? Just means we got a fifty year ban from comin’ anywhere near the Hockey Hall of Fame and the Cup ever again.
6:29 PM. Jack and Harry and me head out for the game. See you later, Mike! Keep watchin’ the game! Our boys are gonna win big time!
6:43 PM. Into the arena. Great mood among the fans. Hey! You see us? We’re the three guys who nearly pulled off the big Stanley Cup heist a few months back!
7:15 PM. National anthem’s done. Puck droppin’ about to happen.... the beginnin’ of the greatest season in Leafs history ever is about to start, boys! Go Leafs go! Go Leafs go!
7:18 PM. How the **** did the Habs just score on us? We’re supposed to be shuttin’ them out completely tonight. C’mon, Reimer, do your ****in’ job!
7:33 PM. Boys? Am I havin’ a bad dream? Or is this really happenin’? Are we already down seven goals to zero?
7:58 PM. In between the first and second periods. Havin’ a beer at the concession stands. Tryin’ to blot out the score. How the **** can we be down fifteen to zero?
8:30 PM. No! No, no, no, no!!!! C’mon, Reimer, you fall on your ass and that Hab just slides that puck in. What the **** are you doin’??? Come on, people, do your ****in’ jobs!
8:43 PM. Boys? Sure, we’re down thirty two to zero after the second, but come on.... the Leafs can score thirty three unanswered goals in the last period, right? Right? Right???
9:49 PM. The buzzer goes. Forty seven to nothin’. Beaten into the ground. Bloodied and broken. Every single Leaf player ****ed up tonight. Those Habs look way too ****in’ happy. How the **** does this happen? Boys? You want to tell me? ****! ****ity ****ed up ****ers! ****! Mother****ers! Hey, Leafs! **** you!
10:09 PM. Back to the bar. Mike! We need to get wasted, and wasted right the **** now!
10:47 PM. Me and Harry and Jack are drunk and pissed off and throwin’ around blame. How the **** did this happen? I don’t know about you, but I’m done rootin’ for the ****in’ Leafs. Forty ****in’ years waitin’ for these ****ers to win the Cup? I’m ****in’ done!
12:31 AM. You know what? Tonight was bad. Sure. Right. It was. Let’s just not panic. Everybody has a bad ****in’ night. Sure, the boys lost one bad one tonight, but hey, we got the whole season ahead of us. Our boys are still gonna do us proud, right? Of course I’m right.
2:31 AM. Back in the front door. Collapsin’ on the couch. Gotta wake up in the mornin’ and ****in’ go to work. Geez, my hangover’s gonna be ****in’ bad...