Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And so it is time for the cat's point of view on the Hallowe'en season and all that brings with it. Your Supreme Majesty, the floor is yours...

7:31 AM. Awake at home. How did the staff get out of bed without my waking up?

7:35 AM. I have located the staff in the kitchen. Staff? Who gave you permission to leave the bed? 

7:41 AM. The staff disappoints me yet again with field rations for breakfast.

7:54 AM. Outside on the deck. Staring out at my domain. Frost on the grass. The barking of that infernally dumb hound in the distance.

8:10 AM. Back inside. Launching a full scale assault on the scratching post. Uh oh, my doing so has also unleashed residue scents of catnip. Which means I shall be in a catnip craze post haste.

8:45 AM. Finished my catnip craze. You know, I think a nap is in order.

11:26 AM. Waking up. Slept well. Feeling peckish.

11:28 AM. I sigh and with much reluctance eat some of the field rations.

11:51 AM. For some odd reason, the staff is dissecting a pumpkin in a very strange way. 

Oh, yes, of course. Hallowe'en. Jack O'Lanterns and all that.

12:32 PM. The staff has been making sandwiches for her lunch. I've been staring at her. And staring. And staring. And staring some more.

Success! She gives me a couple of slices of turkey. Now this makes up for those field rations.

1:53 PM. I think it's time to try to break my personal record for sprinting through every single room in the house while the staff wonders if I've gone insane.

1:54 PM. Well now staff, how about that? Three seconds off my best previous time. Not so bad if I do so say myself.

What are you looking at me like that for?

5:38 PM. Waking up from nap. Smells of cooking. I detect pumpkin.

6:04 PM. Supervising the staff while she's making dinner. Looks like pancakes. I like pancakes. Particularly with some syrup, a bit of brown sugar, pieces of bacon or blueberry. Of course, for some reason the staff never makes pancakes with salmon. I don't know why, it's a perfectly acceptable combination...

6:45 PM. Having dinner with the staff. Nicely chilled milk and some chopped up bacon and pumpkin pancakes. Staff? Is it that you're simply not awake enough in the morning that you give me field rations? Because this is much better than breakfast.

7:02 PM. The staff is finishing the dishes. Says she's expecting lots of trick or treaters. Pours a big bowlful of those little chocolates. Staff? What is it about these tiny little bars? Why not actual chocolate bars? You know, the regular size. And while we're at it, how much chocolate do I get? 


7:10 PM. Sitting on the back of the couch. On the watch out the front window. Kids are coming up to the front door in costumes. The staff is giving them candy. Just as long as you don't give them any catnip.

7:23 PM. Oh, this will not do, those kids have their dog with them. Granted, it's not the dummy from down the road, but still...

He sees me. And wags his tail. And barks.

Just don't you try to get in here, hound, or there will be hell to pay...

7:36 PM. Hmmm, that's a prety realistic looking velociraptor costume. Hey, kid, go down the road for me and scare the crap out of this irritating dog.

7:41 PM. Watching a car pull in. Familiar, but in the darkness, I'm not sure...wait.Wait a minute. It's not... it can't be...
Oh, no. 

Kids piling out. Staff! It's your idiot relations!

7:42 PM. Bolting upstairs as fast as I can. Thinking of the fifty seven different hiding spots I have spread throughout the house. Hearing the irritating nasal quality of those brats greeting my staff and asking where the kitty is. Staff! Don't you dare give away any of my hiding spots!

7:43 PM. Have found sanctuary behind a couple of boxes in a bedroom. Ah, the Christmas decorations. Good. This should be enough concealment. Hopefully those brats aren't going to be around for long, because I do not want to be picked up endlessly and hugged by kids with sticky fingers and no manners.

7:48 PM. Listening to sounds from downstairs. Come on, how long does it take to trick or treat? The staff had better not have invited them to stay over for the weekend....

7:51 PM. Sounds of doors closing. Silence. Then the sound of the staff calling out, "they're gone."

I carefully withdraw from my hiding spot and come downstairs. Sure enough, the idiot relations are nowhere to be found.

The staff looks at me as if she finds something highly amusing.

9:35 PM. Trick or treaters long gone. Staff helping herself to some of those little candy bars. Fortunately she's also brought a bowl of cat treats and is liberally dispensing them to me. I reward her with a head bonk and a purr.

11:36 PM. The staff is off to bed. Keep the door open for me. I may want to come up. You know, people talk about Hallowe'en, all that monsters, ghosts, and goblins... but the real monsters, staff, are those idiot relations of yours. Honestly, was your sister switched in the maternity ward?


  1. All treats in this post,William!
    Jane x

  2. You have the makings of a kid's story here! Quite the imagination!!!

  3. Loki and Grumpy Cat--together? They could rule the world!

    I love that first pic. It would be the perfect response to spammers everywhere!

  4. Poor kitty never knows the joy of just being happy.
    Must get the stick that is up his a** out !
    Love all the photos as always. I don't know how you find them, so funny.
    The "I am not fat I am just fluffy" is just so perfect !

    cheers, parsnip

  5. @Jane and Chris: and such sweet treats!

    @Jennifer: I've been doing these dog and cat blogs for awhile!

    @Kelly: Loki's cat can't be resisted!

    @Norma: oh yes!

    @Parsnip: I think she's happy, but very demanding!

  6. The very first Grumpy Cat wins the prize.

  7. Think I'd like a Meowtini chased with a Meer. :)

  8. I thought the James Bond villain cat was the best but then I came to the fat cat who claims he's fluffy!


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