Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the cat to have her say. Your Highness, the floor is yours, so do tell us lowly humans your will.

7:31 AM. Waking up. Dreamed of vast fields of catnip. A pleasant way to start the day.

7:36 AM. The staff comes downstairs. Dressed for work I see. Okay, note to self: do not go outside. One does not want to be stuck outside all day while she’s off at that work place. 

7:41 AM. The staff surprises me by giving me some tuna instead of the usual field rations. Staff, what is this? Are you buttering me up for something awful? Are those idiot relations of yours coming for a visit on the weekend?

7:43 AM. Despite my wariness as to the staff’s intentions, I content myself with a proper breakfast.

7:58 AM. The staff is out the door and on her way. Bring back more tuna, staff!

8:03 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, staring out the window. The screen windows are open, so somewhere in the distance I can hear the endless barking of that annoying dog. Just as long as he stays away from my property.

8:36 AM. Looking out the window watching the flying lunches on the lawn. Too bad I can’t get out there and wreck havoc. Why doesn’t the staff take things like this into consideration and just leave one door ajar for me to go in and out at my leisure?

8:41 AM. Still on the back of the couch. This sun puddle I’m in happens to be nice and warm. It could put a kitty to sleep. I think I’ll just close my eyes. Time for my first nap of the day. Naps are a very good thing for kitties.

11:36 AM. Waking up. Slept well. Good long nap. Just the thing to keep me in a good mood. I may have to stockpile some naps in case the staff’s idiot relations turn up on the weekend. I mean, after all, if I’m in hiding for two or three days, I can’t let my guard down long enough to take naps.

12:01 PM. Drinking some water. The staff left some field rations out, so they’ll have to do me until she gets home. Hopefully the idiot relations aren’t coming with her straight from work. I would be most put out by that. Granted, I’ve got enough hiding spots picked out where those irritating kids can’t find me, but between you, me, and the scratching post, I still like a bit of warning in advance. 

12:51 PM. A nap is in order. I need to stockpile them just in case. Okay, set a mental alarm clock so I don’t wake up from the sound of annoying rugrats running through the front door and yelling Kitty! Wanna hug the kitty! 3:15 would do nicely.

3:42 PM. Waking up from nap. Examining the clock. Hey! I overslept! What happened to my mental alarm clock?

4:23 PM. Sitting on the back of the couch, looking outside. Okay. Got to stay awake now. If I see the staff drive up, I can interrogate her as to if she’s invited those idiot relations or not. If, however, her car is accompanied by the car of the idiot relations, I have to run like hell and bolt for one of my hiding spots.

4:37 PM. Movement catches my eye. A group of wild turkeys enters the yard. I can hear the gobbling. Way, way too big for me to take down one of those. Boy, are they weird birds. Tasty though. The staff gives me some turkey meat when she has it, which admittedly isn’t often. 

4:41 PM. Still watching the turkeys. Tail twitching. Yes, yes, gobble away, you gobbling gobblers. One of them sees me through the window. Starts walking this way.

4:42 PM. The turkey stares at me. I stare back. We both stare at each other. The turkey gobbles again. Hey, sorry, but I don’t speak turkey. If you were a skunk or a raccoon or a deer, well, those are languages I’m fluent in, but with birds, well, I’m more interested in wanting to eat them.

4:43 PM. And now the rest of the turkeys are joining their buddy. Staring at me. I’m staring back. This is getting silly. You know what, I’ve had enough. You guys just go ahead and munch on the grass or whatever else turkeys do, I’m going to get off this couch, find something else to do, and when I get back, you’ll all be gone. Right? Right.

4:57 PM. Looking up some information on the computer. Wait... a group of turkeys is a rafter? In what universe does that make sense?

5:14 PM. Okay, the staff should be coming home soon. Up on the couch to look outside. Wait a minute... those turkeys are still here?

5:25 PM. The staff’s car turns into the driveway. The turkeys scatter. Fortunately there is no sign of the car belonging to the idiot relations.

5:27 PM. The staff comes in the front door. I greet her with a head bonk to the legs. Staff, those turkeys were hanging around here for nearly an hour. Between us, I think they’re up to something. Now then, more importantly: are those idiot relations coming up here for a visit? Because I thought I made myself perfectly clear- such decisions must be cleared in advance with me, the earlier the better.

6:06 PM. Supervising the staff as she makes dinner. While she’s said nothing about any impending visits, I rest content that it will not happen tonight- she’s not cooking for more than herself. And me, of course, I expect some food out of all this.

6:41 PM. Dinner with the staff. A good portion of beef, cut up for me by the staff. A bowl of milk. No presence of the idiot relations. Life is good. 

7:25 PM. Occupied in thirty minutes of being cuddled by the staff.

8:55 PM. Lying in my usual contorted position. Totally relaxed. The staff thinks I look like a pretzel.

11:48 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff, but keep the doors open. Odds are I’ll be walking over you sometime in the night. Besides, if those turkeys are lurking outside the upstairs windows, I need to get up there and howl like a banshee at three in the morning.


  1. Tell the turkeys that Thanksgiving is coming up...should scatter pretty fast.
    Jane x

  2. Grumpy Cat's going to be way beyond grumpy when she sees Trumpy Cat!

  3. Cappuccino kitty is very sweet.
    Thank you for all your kind words on Watson's post.

    cheers, parsnip

  4. I'm convinced Grumpy Cat has nothing on my cat. She's pure evil.

  5. Oh my, that Trump-cat, lol! That poor haircut should be put out of its misery.

  6. @Jane and Chris: yes, they should scatter!

    @Norma: oh yes!

    @Parsnip: he or she is sweet!

    @Kelly: Hah!

    @Meradeth: Trump Cat looks annoyed!

  7. It's the cappuchino one...too funny. And the technology one. I'm really having a problem in that my cat has decided it is her duty to protect me from any computer gamma rays, so just as soon as I sit down a my desk, she jumps up and plops down between me and the computer and spreads out so there's no working room at all. Then she purrs. Sometimes she places her paw over my hand so that it cannot use the mouse. Then she purrs louder. O my god! Help! She's going to jump up on the desk now! Gotta go!

  8. I love the curse you technology. That probably does infringe on their bloated sense of importance.

  9. No, there's nothing more important in life than looking cute....other than going to work, making money, and spending dollars so that THEY can look cute. My English bulldog had a day at the spa and yes...this applies. lol

  10. Always fun to read these. And that last one, yikes!

  11. The turkeys are starting to gather here too, but that's election season for you.


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