A Day In The Life Of A Former Mayor

Some links before getting started. Parsnip had some photos from around the property. Cheryl had some pics of replica ships for Columbus at her blog. And Lorelei had some covers at her blog.

Now then, today I return to the voice of a repugnant excuse for a human being, someone who hasn't been seen in these pages for awhile. Rob Ford, the crack smoking former mayor of Toronto, remains a city councilor (the people in the ward that elected him back in at the last moment are complete and utter morons), and is busy plotting his next run at the mayorship in 2018 (assuming he manages to live that long), while doing all he can to undermine the actual mayor. His remaining fans still think he's the mayor. And they wonder why we think they're buffoons. Anyway, one of his drinking buddies, personal drivers, and another waste of space, a dolt by the name of Sandro Lisi, is currently standing trial.

9:15 AM. Wakin’ up at home. Hung over. ****in’ big ****in’ headache, man. Gotta get some booze in me. That’ll take care of the ****in’ hangover, man.

10:03 AM. Two bottles of vodka emptied. Feelin’ better. Big day today, man. Gotta be in ****in’ court. Those ****in’ lawyers got me turnin’ up for Sandro’s ****in’ trial. **** ‘em. I’m Rob ****in’ Ford, man, and I’ll say what I want to ****in’ say. Nobody tells me what to ****in’ do.

10:22 AM. Call from Sandro's lawyer. Asks where I am. Well I’m at home, mother****er, which you already know since you got me here. What the **** is your problem anyway?

10:23 AM. The lawyer tells me I’m overdue for testimony. Yeah, well, **** that, I’ll come down when I’m ready. Don’t call me back here, or I’ll get one of those gangbanger mother****ers to break your legs.

10:35 AM. Smokin’ some crack. Knock at the door. Glance outside. Oh, ****!!!! It’s the cops! Gotta hide my crack!

10:37 AM. Open the door. Face the ****in’ cops. What the **** do you want? You know who I am? I’m Rob ****in’ Ford, and in the next election, I’m gonna be mayor again, and you ****ers are gonna be lickin’ my ****in’ boots. **** you!

10:38 AM. The cops say the judge wants me in court, and hustle me out to a waiting car. Hey! I’m good to drive! **** you!

11:05 AM. Hauled into court. Judge looks pissed at me. Sandro’s sittin’ with his lawyers. Hey, Sandro! How’s about we get wasted later?

11:06 AM. Judge lecturin’ me over my bein’ late. Roll my eyes, nod my head. Make up some kinda excuse about bein’ busy with city council business. Hey, you know I’m still a city councillor? You want a Rob Ford For Mayor 2018 button? We got plenty of them.

11:08 AM. Swearin’ in to testify. Yeah, yeah, whatever the **** you say, just as long as I don’t incriminate myself or anythin’. I mean, I got a reputation to uphold, and I got my own lawyers workin’ overtime to keep me outta jail.

11:10 AM. Defense attorney askin’ me about Sandro’s character. Hey, the guy’s swell. Takes a beat down like he enjoys it, don’t mind me screamin’ at him for no reason. He’s great for findin’ new places to party and knows all the right crack smokin’ people. I mean, did I say that out loud or did I think it? Geez, I gotta think before I speak. Dammit, Robbie, we got the next election to think about, and I gotta make sure I don’t **** up. At least in public.

11:24 AM. In the middle of a rant about how Sandro’s been railroaded. Yeah, man, it’s all one big conspiracy. The leftists and the media and the granola eatin’ hippies from the Beaches and the Pope and the Queen and the saucer people and the liberals and the cops and the dogs and the cats, they’re all in on it. They’re jealous of what Ford Nation is, man, and they want to bring us down. Ford Nation, baby! Yeah! So they go after my friends. They go after a stand-up kinda guy like Sandro like the ****in’ cowards they are.... oh, right, sorry, Your Goner, I’m not supposed to swear in court. What? Whaddya mean I just called you Your Goner? I’m pretty sure you’re ****in’ wrong about that. Hey! I’m just expressin’ myself as best as I can! **** you!

1:15 PM. Sittin’ in a jail cell ****in’ contempt of court, my ass! I’ll show him ****in’ contempt of court! Dougie shows up. Hey, brother! Got any crack or booze? I could use some.

1:17 PM. Dougie tells me he’s assembling all available Ford Nation followers to demand my immediate release. Hell yeah, Dougie! Those stupid ****ers will do whatever we ****in’ say! Remember when we told them to go on a riot spree?

3:10 PM. Back in court. Dougie’s sittin’ in the gallery. Judge asks if I’ve cooled off. Look, I know I’ve got a temper, but these things happen, I get a bit carried away with myself. Can we just get on with this already?

3:23 PM. Under cross examination by that stupid ****in’ crown attorney. ****in’ prosecutors are ****in’ scum, man. Asks me questions about crack videos and extortion. Okay, man, this is it. This is the moment I’ve been practicing for.

3:24 PM. I shrug and say something about that time of my life havin’ a lot of drunken stupors, and sure, I mighta smoked some crack and threatened some people and done some stuff, but the point is, who gives a **** about that? Ford Nation doesn’t, and you know what? Ford Nation worships me. Yeah, man, they worship me, and you ****in’ lawyers wish you were me. Now why don’t you just drop those charges against my buddy Sandro? Because if you don’t, I’m gonna make sure when I’m mayor again that you’ll never practice law in this country again. Hey! Don’t you roll your eyes at me!!!  No one does that to Robbie Ford and lives!

5:53 PM. Back in the jail cell. Contempt of ****in’ court, my ass. I swear, I’m gonna have some gang bangers pay that judge a visit. ****, yeah, that’ll put the fear of Robbie Ford into him!

7:05 PM. Dougie comes with my attorney. Hey, mother****er, you do your job already and got me released?  ****in’ lawyer says somethin’ about bail and behavin’ myself, and that sorta ****in’ crap that I won’t bother takin’ seriously anyway. Come on, Dougie! I got some drinkin’ to get done!

7:26 PM. Comin’ outta the courthouse with Dougie. Ford Nation is here. Kinda small crowd, actually. Hey, Dougie, where’s the rest of them?  This can’t be all that turned up. We’ve got thousands of Ford Nation supporters just waitin’ for the signal for Operation Ford Domination, right? Well, whatever, maybe they’re all occupied, or at a Leafs game, or in court on charges. Ford Nation! It is I, your Prophet! It is I, your king! It is I, your master and overlord! I am Rob ****in’ Ford! Hear me roar!

Ford Nation-those who are here- goes wild. Yeah, man.... Ford Nation, baby!

10:45 PM. Back at home. Sittin’ out in the backyard with Dougie. Gettin’ drunk. Yeah, so this whole court appearance thing kinda screwed things up. Who gives a **** anyway? In four years Ford Nation will have forgotten anyway, and we’ll have ourselves set up as the saviours of this city. In the meantime, man, I’m gonna keep screwin’ up every city council meetin’ I can, votin’ against everything, and makin’ life a livin’ hell for all those other city council mother****ers. Yeah, they’re gonna pay, man, every last one of those ****ers are gonna pay. And when we have the Ford Revolution, man, they’re gonna pay again. Scorched earth! It’s war, brother! And may the best men win. And that’s us. Top of the line, best of the best, the ****in’ Ford brothers.

How’s about we smoke some more crack and drink a few more bottles of vodka before callin’ it a night?