Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, February 17, 2014

An Olympic Day In The Life Of A Cat

Some links before I get started today. Check out our joint blog for a new Snippet Sunday blog. Go on over to Norma's blog for an excerpt from her late bird's Sam point of view. And since today the cat takes charge for this blog, it makes sense to have other kitty blogs to check out, over at The Real Maple Syrup Mob and at Just Cats

Concluding these dog and cat look at the Olympics today, with the kitty's point of view. Stan Lee and Jim Starlin might want to have a word with me after it's all said and done. Not to mention Vladimir Putin.

7:20 AM. Awake and alert. Dreamed of sliding down the side of a mountain on a snowboard. Being chased by a dog on skis. I hate dogs.

7:32 AM. Well, staff, it's about time you got downstairs. Some breakfast would be ideal, as soon as possible.

7:40 AM. The staff surprises me this time. Instead of the field rations, she gives me tuna and a bowl of milk.

Are you trying to get on my good side for some nefarious reason? Such as a visit to that vile arch fiend you call the vet?

7:42 AM. Having breakfast. Still suspicious of the staff's motivations.

7:50 AM. The staff is having breakfast. I find myself looking out the window, staring out into the snow. 

It occurs to me that I can't remember the last day we had where there wasn't snow.

8:10 AM. Sitting on the front windowsill. Watching the snow falling. The staff has the television on. Somewhere in the distance I hear that barking idiot dog somewhere. I wonder if I can have him permanently banished to Siberia.

8:40 AM. The CBC is running pre-closing ceremony broadcasts for the Olympics. Lots of chatter about all that's been going on the last couple of weeks. 

I wonder if they're going to address the growing calls from Sweden to have Don Cherry apologize for his remarks a few days ago. 

I wonder if they'll tell the senile old loon to finally retire.

10:15 AM. The senile old loon is justifying his remarks about carpetbombing Sweden live on television, and says anyone who disagrees with him is an idiot.

 Wow. He really is out of his mind.

Someone needs to give him a smack upside his head.

10:35 AM. The stadium continues to be filled with spectators. The staff is speculating about the chances of the Russian Army Choir singing something called YMCA.

10:55 AM. Ah, there's Darth Vladimir, looking as grim as ever as he takes his seat.

He looks unhappy. Did a dog use him for a fire hydrant?

11:00 AM. And so we begin the closing ceremonies. Do we count the pre-ceremony broadcast in how long this whole thing will take, staff?

11:10 AM. The Red Army Choir is singing something weird and angry sounding. The translators are saying the polite version of the lyrics amounts to go screw yourselves, we're Russians.

11:15 AM. Peter Mansbridge is apologizing again for Don Cherry's earlier profane remarks about the Swedish king and queen.

11:20 AM. Mikhail Baryshnikov is getting beaten up by five Cossacks. Is this part of the show?

11:46 AM. Darth Vladimir rises to go up to the podium. The IOC president looks confused. Humans often look confused.

11:47 AM. Darth Vladimir is laughing. And not in a good way.

11:49 AM. Darth Vladimir is in the midst of a rant. Something about being the natural born ruler of the universe, demanding that the rest of the world bow down and accept him as their master.

Wow. Vladimir Putin is an evil supervillain. Hands up, was anyone surprised?

11:50 AM. Darth Vladimir takes out his secret weapon and puts it on his hand. Hey, wait a minute... that's the Infinity Gauntlet!

 I thought we cats had that thing safely contained where no human could ever find it!

11:52 AM. I look at the staff. She's staring at the television, looking stunned. Darth Vladimir says he's got the most powerful weapon on the planet, and he'll use it on everyone who doesn't fall in line. He says something about some guy named Thanos, saying he should eat his heart out now. IOC president looks horrified. Darth Vladimir laughs again, proclaiming that he's ruler of the world.

Rubbish. Everyone knows that cats rule the world.

11:54 AM. Someone emerges from the crowd, walking right towards Darth Vladimir. Hey, it's Lars Ulrich.

He strides right up to the podium, right past the Russian police, and stops right in front of Darth Vladimir. The entire stadium seems to fall into a strange silence. As if no one knows what's about to happen.

11:55 AM. Lars says nothing. Instead he's just glaring at Darth Vladimir. And glaring. And glaring some more.

And Darth Vladimir is starting to tremble and shake. And now he's crying.

11:56 AM. Wow. No one's ever going to take Vladimir Putin seriously again, now that six billion people all over the world have seen him cowering in terror and crying like a baby. Well, that's what you get when Lars Ulrich glares at you. 

Lars takes the Infinity Gauntlet away from Darth Vladimir. I look at the staff. She seems hot and bothered. Inspector Ulrich does that for her.

11:59 AM. Darth Vladimir is removed from the stage by some of his police officers. It looks like he lost control of his bladder.

3:45 PM. The closing ceremonies finally end. Well, we can't say it wasn't interesting. 

Note to self: never make Inspector Lars Ulrich angry at me.

11:05 PM. The staff is watching television news. Much to be said about Vladimir Putin's breakdown live on television. Much more to be said about the power of Lars Ulrich's glare. 

I bet Vladimir's regretting deciding to be an evil self absorbed supervillain now.


  1. That hovercat is hilarious! Almost worth getting a glass top table (almost) just to get a shot like that:)

  2. DOMO KUN !
    I lurve him... domo konnichiwa
    The glass table cat is my all time favorite ! I always knew cats were aliens !

    Beem waiting to see how this ended and I knew Lars Ulrich would be involved.
    Best 2 posts ever.

    cheers, parsnip

  3. Lars vs. Darth Vladimir--that could be a movie!

    And as always, I love the Grumpy Cat!

  4. I never thought I'd ever see a cat that wasn't cute, but there is ONE on this page. OMG!! Evil cat!!!

  5. I liked the "Look I'm Hooman" cat!

    Glad Lars got to play such a big part at the Olympics!

  6. A HA! So that is what my cats are really doing when they stand on their hind legs!
    Jane x

  7. @LondonLulu: I could see many a cat enjoy becoming a hovercat!

    @Parsnip: ah, so that's who that strange looking critter is!

    @Norma: the Grumpy Cat rules!

    @Diane: there's more than one possibility, but I'm assuming it's the one who thinks of humans as slaves...

    @Cheryl: Lars had to save the day!

    @Jane and Chris: so it would seem!

  8. Holy crap that cat does look like the Chucky doll! I love the cat in the hangers. I could see my cat doing that. The kitten of the Opera is pretty awesome too.

  9. Hah! This is something I'd definitely love to see in real life :)

    Also, confession time, did you make the favorite Christmas movie, Die Hard, meme with grumpy cat? :)

  10. The first one of Grumpy Cat was the best, until you brought in Lars. I knew he was there somewhere. Nice bit of fantasy.

  11. @Kelly: cats will get to all sorts of mischief!

    @Meradeth: no, I didn't, but I agree with Grumpy Cat!

    @Mari: Lars demanded to show up!

    @Lynn: isn't Hovercat cute?

  12. Beware the glare of Lars Ulrich :) Meanwhile your pussy cat pictures made me laugh out loud William.

  13. Love the cat in the hangers. And the chuckle doll kitty.


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