A Gotham City Before The Dark Knight

Some links before I get started today. Norma had a Friday photoblog at her page yesterday. Parsnip enlisted the Square Dogs for her usual Square Dog Friday. Krisztina had an interesting pumpkin concept at her blog plus an oatmeal suggestion. And Shelly wrote about Rosh Hashanah.

Now then, new and returning shows are upon us here as fall gets underway. I thought I would take a look at the opening of a new series.

I was expecting to be disappointed.

When I first heard of the notion of a series about Gotham City, but before there was a Batman, I was skeptical. Bruce Wayne as a boy? The main character being the young police officer who will one day become Commissioner Gordon? Further details left me dubious. Poison Ivy and Catwoman as characters? The casting of Ben McKenzie, a refugee from the not at all missed teen drama The O.C. as Jim Gordon? I felt that this was going to be a mistake, so I went in with low expectations.

And after watching the pilot for Gotham, I was instead surprised.

The first episode deals with the case that started it all: the murders of Thomas and Martha Wayne by an unknown gunman in the streets of Gotham, witnessed by their son Bruce (David Mazouz). It’s also witnessed by someone else, a street thief not that much older than Bruce, one we recognize to be Selina Kyle (Camren Bicondova). The detectives sent out to the scene from the nearest precinct are the two characters who will be front and center through the series, and they’re as different as night and day. Jim Gordon (McKenzie) is a newly promoted detective from the ranks, trying to find his way, still idealistic, still a believer in the ideas of law and justice. Harvey Bullock (Donal Logue) is a slovenly, corrupt veteran with a chip on his shoulder and very little in the way of ethics. The two have been recently assigned as partners, and don’t particularly like each other. Bullock, upon recognizing the victims, would rather see the case handed up to the Major Crimes Unit. Gordon instinctively comforts the distraught Bruce and makes a promise to him.

Bruno Heller developed the concept for the series, drawing on the history of the Batman and his city in the DC comics world. There’s a good deal of influence from a comic book series, Gotham Central, which dealt with the detectives of the Major Crimes Unit in the world of the Dark Knight. Some relationships have shifted; some characters altered, but not overly much. Where Bullock is a junior officer compared to Gordon in the comics, here he is the senior, reluctantly working with a detective who doesn’t share his corruption. Sarah Essen (Zabryna Guevara) is their precinct captain, quite a difference from the comics, where she was Jim Gordon’s second wife. Two detectives from Major Crimes have more of an antagonistic relationship with both Gordon and Bullock than what you might expect from the comics versions, but at the same time, in personality, the two are just as I would have imagined them, and it was a surprise to see their inclusion. Renee Montoya (Victoria Cartagena) and Crispus Allen (Andrew Stewart-Jones) come across as dismissive of the rampant corruption in other parts of the police department, and suspicious of both Gordon and Bullock. Renee’s inclusion in the series, even if she’s not considered a main cast member, is very welcome; she’s a character I really like.

The first episode, directed by Danny Cannon, is permeated with the dark, moody, bleak aspect of Gotham, even, it seems, in daytime. It’s a place out of a noir movie, filled with corruption, graft, violence, and a sense of hopelessness. The pilot certainly establishes that in the way buildings look, the way characters behave, and the interactions between key players. It is a city dominated for all purposes by crime bosses, the most powerful being Carmine Falcone (John Doman), familiar from the comics and from his appearance in Batman Begins. Fish Mooney (Jada Pinkett Smith) is one of his lieutenants, a woman with her own ambitions to oust him. She runs her operations out of a night club, and among her employees is the slightly nasal and rather creepy Oswald Cobblepot (Robin Lord Taylor), who’s been nicknamed Penguin by his fellow mobsters. It’s a name he doesn’t like.

It’s also a world full of secrets. One must wonder just how connected Fish is to Bullock; they seem much too comfortable around each other. Gordon’s fiancée Barbara Kean (Erin Richards) has an encounter with Renee, and things are said between them. There’s history between the two women, and a lot of subtext, and considering Renee came out of the closet in Gotham Central, there’s every reason to expect there is or was a romantic relationship between these two characters. Yet Gordon seems to have no idea.

The casting for these characters seems to have been done with great care. We meet Edward Nygma (Cory Michael Smith), a coroner who likes riddles (one day he’ll be the Riddler). He looks the part, and annoys Bullock in a way that could easily foreshadow what’s to come. There’s a girl named Ivy, about Bruce’s age. She’s played by Clare Foley, and she gives the character a slightly disturbed quality; it’s quite fitting, as this appears to be the woman who’ll eventually become Poison Ivy. Camren Bicondova’s casting as Selina Kyle is an interesting one; she’s the first character we meet, and she’s largely silent through her appearances in the pilot. I wondered how you could have a Catwoman in this sort of series and have her be that much older than Bruce, but the age difference is a handful of years; she’s pretty much a kid herself. And yet she’s resourceful, stealing to stay alive, knowing the back alleys and rooftops better than anyone, all the better to make an escape. What she does convey in this opening for the series is an empathy as she shadows the young Bruce at a distance; witnessing what happened to him clearly has an effect on her, and Bicondova brings that largely through her eyes and expressions.

Taylor’s an interesting choice for a younger Penguin. He plays the role as something of an opportunistic, socially awkward creep (much like you’d expect out of the standard depiction of the character in comics). Yet there’s a lack of confidence in the character as we might expect in years to come; still, there is something dangerous in the character, and it makes for the sort of person you’d cross the street to avoid. Doman embodies the ruthlessness of Falcone as I would expect the character to be; when at last we see him, he’s reinforcing his authority in an unusual way, demonstrating his clear belief that the city belongs to him, and he’ll fight for it. Jada Pinkett Smith is a surprise as the new character Fish Mooney. She can be sweet and lovely in one moment, and utterly ruthless in the next moment. This is a woman you really do not want to cross.

Erin Richards surprised me as well. Barbara is a character that’s more often referenced in comics than seen; the marriage ended, and while she’s made appearances, she has not been a major figure in the way Jim Gordon was. Richards plays her as supportive and loving, and yet the notion of keeping secrets is right there from the beginning, even though those secrets are about her. Sean Pertwee turns up as the Wayne butler Alfred Pennyworth. He’s wary of the police, intensely protective of his young charge. There are already hints of the surrogate father role for him in how he relates to Bruce, and yet he’s willing to break the traditional butler role and chide the boy for what seems to be a moment of recklessness, and yet isn’t- it’s a hint of the future. David Mazous has the difficult prospect of playing the young Bruce Wayne; the audience knows where his future will take him, but for now, he’s carrying the burden of sorrow, starting out as a boy who’s just lost his parents. His howl of grief is an agonizing one, particularly because the audience already knows his ultimate destiny, and it is followed by hints of a boy who’s not a child anymore, but one who is starting out on his own path.

One of the two lead actors surprised me; the other did not. Donal Logue is the one who didn’t surprise me. He’s a veteran character actor I’ve seen in many roles, and here he plays Bullock. He’s perhaps leaner than I would picture the character in the comics, but he fits the role perfectly. He’s rumpled, surly, and looks like shaving is something he might think of every other month. He looks like he sleeps in his clothes. There’s a temper there; he doesn’t like his new partner, and he doesn’t mind showing that. He is thoroughly corrupt, and yet at the same time, underneath it all, there’s something resembling ethics in his personality; he acts to save his partner just because they’re partners.

Ben McKenzie did surprise me. I was expecting the worst, a refugee from a pointless television show that isn’t missed at all. He played a teenager in that show full of teenagers, but it’s been a few years now. Instead we see the idealistic officer in a city filled with graft; he doesn’t like what he sees around him, and he still believes in justice. It brings him into conflict with those around him, even those he is supposed to work with, but even so, his principles remain with him. They’re summed up foremost in an understanding with a grief stricken boy.

And so we have the first episode behind us, one strongly emphasizing the character and personality of each member of its murky cast. Where can Gotham go? That would be the question. It feels more like a police procedural and crime drama, which for all intents and purposes it is. It is a story of one good man in a bad town, unsure of who to trust. And all the while, the hints of the future have already been established. I look forward to seeing where the series goes from here.

O Captain My Captain: Farewell To One Of The Greatest

Some links before I get started today. Norma had two passages from upcoming works here and here. Eve has this message at her blog. Hilary asks where summer is going. The Whisk has computer problems. And Maria profiled Esther Williams at her blog.

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." ~ John Keating, Dead Poet's Society 

On Monday the world lost one of its great comedians and actors. Robin Williams burned bright through his life, gracing the big screen, the small screen, and comedy stages in a career that touched many lives in so many ways. With his passing, the world feels less bright. He lived with depression and addictions, fought battles against them for years, and in the end, those demons caught up to him.  We have his work to remember him by, both the rapid fire hilarious stand up comedy in which he'd skewer any available target and his work as an actor. Sometimes the two worlds would mix- many of his roles on television and in film were comedic. Other times, when he was serious, he could show us just how great an actor he really was. 

He got his start in standup comedy, performing with an exuberant, manic energy that never really left him on stage. He'd switch into various characters on stage, comment on life or politics, and his sharp wit always showed itself in his routines. Years later, even after moving into television and movies, he'd still come back to the stage regularly, performing for audiences in that same style, leaving people in stitches with his sense of humour. He would work repeatedly with friends Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg on standup specials for charity fundraising too. It didn't take long before he ended up moving into television. Mork & Mindy came along, and he spent several years playing the part of a bizarre alien visitor to Earth and living with a local. 

His fame transferred to the big screen, as it surely had to. The World According To Garp, Moscow On The Hudson, and Popeye were early films in his resume. Along came Good Morning, Vietnam, where he played a real life disc jockey in the Vietnam War for director Barry Levinson. Many of his radio monologues in that film were improvised, and the film really took off. He won a Golden Globe and secured an Oscar nomination for that role, and it played to his manic strengths as a comedian while also showcasing him as an actor. A few years later Williams would reunite with Levinson to do a guest spot on his series Homicide Life On The Street, getting an Emmy nomination for the role, playing a grieving husband trying to help his children deal with the death of their mother. It's a wrenching, heartbreaking performance on a show that still stands as one of the best television programs in the last thirty years.

After Good Morning, Vietnam came what's still my favourite film from Robin. Dead Poets Society featured him as John Keating, an English teacher at a prep school. His unorthodox ways of teaching and zest for the subject matter give his young students a different way of looking at the world, something unexpected from their parents, who would expect them to be educated to be future captains of industry. Keating teaches them to broaden their horizons, to seize the day. Though the film seemingly ends on a seemingly downbeat note for the character, drummed out of a job, he leaves knowing that the spirit of his students has not been subdued; it is, in fact, an uplifting ending. I was watching clips of it the other night; comments on the message boards suggested some people could not bring themselves to watch the film again, knowing that Robin is gone. It's a role that has great dignity, wisdom, and light in it, and it's all Robin in that moment, being shown that respect in those words: O Captain My Captain.

The Fisher King was a film he did for Monty Python alumnus Terry Gilliam. He was cast as a homeless man , Parry, with a tragic past who crosses paths with a disgraced former shock jock (Jeff Bridges). It is Bridges' character Jack who grows in seeking redemption after his words inadvertently led to the shattering of lives- their pasts are linked, and the tragedy that broke Parry started with him. The film follows Jack in trying to help this man, into following the path of his hallucinations, and is a story of redemption and friendship. It featured two outstanding performances by the leads, got Robin another Golden Globe and another Oscar nomination, and continued to prove his brilliance as an actor.

Another one of my favourite roles for Robin is a cameo, actually, in Dead Again, the noir fantasy by director Kenneth Branagh, featuring he and Emma Thompson as lovers in two different time periods. Williams turns up as a disgraced former therapist sought out by the private eye played by Branagh in the current day. He's a cynical, bitter man, so unlike the motormouth we might expect of him in a standup setting. We can see the reasons he's a former therapist- his sense of ethics seems profoundly shaky to say the least. And even so, in the performance, Robin makes the character compelling. He would later appear again in a cameo for Ken Branagh in the epic adaptation of Hamlet. 

He voiced the Genie in the animated Aladdin for Disney, bringing his usual manic energy to the role- there are many people now who are remembering the words at the end of the film with poignancy: "you're free, Genie." He worked with Steven Spielberg to play an adult Peter Pan in Hook, forced to remember his lost past when his old adversary kidnapped his children. It seems, watching that film, that only Robin Williams could pull off the exuberance to play Peter Pan. And he did- he brought the character completely to life in his performance. Robin kept going from dramas to comedies to fantasy during this period. Awakenings, Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire, and The Birdcage were among his works through the Nineties. 

I do have to admit; there are two films in his works that I have not seen. What Dreams May Come had his ghostly character travelling through the realms of the afterlife for the sake of his late wife, a riotous display of fantasy and the incredible. It is a journey undertaken for love. The other film from this period I have not yet seen (and why on Earth not?) is Good Will Hunting. He won an Oscar for his role as a therapist trying to help a young genius (Matt Damon) out of his shell. It's a film that connected with audiences in a big way, and Williams was a huge part of making that connection.

One of his more recent roles is another favourite- because it's so unlike his other roles. He played the villain in the Christopher Nolan directed Insomnia. A detective (Al Pacino) coming to Alaska on a case pursues a murderer (Williams) while sleep deprived and at a low ebb. His Walter Finch is a devious, malicious man, cold blooded and calculating. He plays on the vulnerabilities of Pacino's detective Dormer, and the two actors sharing the screen as adversaries is a real treat- and a frightening glimpse of a character so very different from the manic energy of the comedian on stage.

Those of us who have had experience with depression know how overwhelming it can be. Perhaps that's why the news of Robin's death struck close to home in a way that it wouldn't for someone who admired him for his work. He's left a great void with his passing, and things are darker with him gone. I leave off with the work of editorial cartoonists commemorating the great man. Farewell, Robin, and thank you for the memories.

The Passing Of A Great Acting Legend

“Never cry over spilt milk. It could have been whiskey.” ~ Bret Maverick, Maverick

“Colin’s not a blind man as long as he’s with me. And he’s going with me.” ~ Robert Hendley, The Great Escape

“I don’t care much about the rules anymore. I’m not that much of a hypocrite.” ~ Wyatt Earp, The Hour Of The Gun

"You don't mouth off to anything that big. He looks like 190 pounds of gristle." ~ Jim Rockford, The Rockford Files

"Well now you know. I enjoy spending time with dead men. You don't believe me? Go ahead and die. It'll perk me right up." ~ President Matt Douglas, My Fellow Americans

“I never committed a cold blooded murder in my life. And I won’t… not til I find Maverick.” ~ Zane Cooper, Maverick

James Garner passed away last weekend at the age of 86 after a long career in film and television. The actor had a history of playing charmers, scoundrels, and good natured anti-heroes. In television, he was best known for two roles, the gambler Bret Maverick in Maverick and the down on his luck private investigator Jim Rockford in The Rockford Files. On the big screen, he enjoyed much success throughout his career in films like The Great Escape, Murphy’s Romance, Victor/ Victoria, Support Your Local Sheriff, The Notebook, Space Cowboys, My Fellow Americans, and the film adaptation of Maverick. His characters often had that affable, smooth talking quality to them, the sort of persona entirely willing to get out of a scrape by their wits.

Garner was a veteran of the Korean War, and spent time in the 1950s in a variety of jobs before moving into acting. The part of Bret Maverick came his way, one of a torrent of westerns in that decade. The gambler and all around ladies man character was the anti-John Wayne (this is a good thing) in that he’d have no problem ducking out of a fight or talking his way out of a jam. The series proved popular with audiences, and Garner’s career took off.

In 1960, he walked away from the series after a dispute with the studio and producers. Film was waiting for him, and he moved from part to part, gathering acclaim and playing the sort of people you might get along with very well, though you’d feel inclined to watch your wallet. He played characters who could express exasperation with just a look, while smiling in a way that made you think he was laughing at the world. Garner brought a light, comic take to his work that made him stand out. Some of his other roles in this era included The Americanization of Emily, The Children’s Hour, Grand Prix, The Thrill Of It All, Marlowe, and as Wyatt Earp in The Hour Of The Gun.

In the 1970s he returned to television to play Jim Rockford, a role that would win him an Emmy along the six year run of the series (and would be reprised later on in television movies). The character was an ex-con who worked cases as a private eye, all while seemingly never getting paid. He’d find himself regularly in trouble helping out a friend (or passing acquaintance). And Garner’s easy going screen persona made it popular once again with audiences.

Garner would receive an Oscar nomination for his lead role opposite Sally Field in Murphy’s Romance, playing a widower starting a new relationship with a young divorced mother. Film and television work would continue to come his way through the years, like Mark Twain in the television movie Roughing It, or parts that came along in established shows such as Chicago Hope or 8 Simple Rules. The film roles kept coming along too, including Maverick, which saw him opposite Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster as Marshal Zane Cooper, father of Bret Maverick. Comedic timing was, as to be expected of Garner, exactly on cue in his bickering with Gibson and his flirtations with Foster.

That same comic timing would play into My Fellow Americans, where he played a one term former president alongside Jack Lemmon, also playing a one termer. The two characters can’t stand each other, and yet find themselves having to work together when they’re cast into danger. Garner’s President Douglas is a charmer, of course, and the dynamic between the two actors works better for me than the dynamic Lemmon often played with Walter Matthau, who was slated to play Douglas.

In 2004, Garner got yet another big role in a film I personally dislike- but that’s the source novel that’s the problem, not the cast. He played an older man in The Notebook, the Nicholas Sparks adaptation about young love in the form of Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, and their story being told to a dementia afflicted woman (Gena Rowlands). The story of course was dripping with sentiment- an overwhelming problem with all Sparks books- but it made a big impact at the box office, and captured Garner and Rowlands in a poignant way. The film gave him a second Oscar nomination, for best supporting actor.

James Garner was that rarity in Hollywood. His personal life was quiet. He married Lois Clarke in 1956, and they stayed married. He adopted her daughter, and they went on to have another daughter. I wasn’t aware that he had an interest in racing (beyond his appearance in Grand Prix). He was an owner in an auto racing team in the late Sixties, and maintained an interest in the racing world afterwards.

Some will look back on his career and think of their favourite role. The choice might be as Bret Maverick, or Jim Rockford. Others might look to the movies and recall that role that stood out most of all. For me, it was his role as Robert Hendley in The Great Escape. Garner played one of the few Americans in a POW camp during the Second World War, held in place by Luftwaffe officers. Co-starring Steve McQueen, Richard Attenborough, Donald Pleasence, James Coburn, Charles Bronson, and James Donald, the film follows the real-life story of the escape of dozens of prisoners from Stalag Luft III, in what is now Poland. Garner’s character was the Scrounger, the man with the skills to gather whatever’s needed for an escape. That might involve simply finding the raw materials in the camp itself. It might also involve pick pocketing or talking a German guard into providing the required item, like a camera. The character is resourceful and clever, a smooth talker who could do quite well for himself as a con artist.

Yet there’s also another aspect of the character that Garner brings across. He’s bunking in with Donald Pleasence’s character Colin Blyth, a staff officer whose speciality is in forging documents. The two have very little in common, and yet at the story carries on, there’s a friendship between them growing. This makes itself perfectly clear when Colin’s vision problems may doom him to stay behind during the escape. Hendley tells Attenborough’s Roger Bartlett, the head of the escape operation, that he’ll personally take Colin out to freedom, a promise he keeps. It’s a testament to the friendship between the two men, and one of my favourite moments of the film.

It was sad to hear of his passing, and yet he leaves such a rich legacy of film and television work behind him. There are many roles for the audience to treasure long after he’s gone, and he lived a long, productive life. He was one of the greats, and he will be missed. 

Kurse Of The Kardashians

Pointless Reality Show Family Holds Pointless Press Conference Just To Annoy Real Journalists

Los Angeles (AP) The committee overseeing Hollywood’s Walk of Fame had a rather unusual meeting this week, which ended in some unlikely events. The Chamber of Commerce, which manages the more than 2500 stars arrayed in Hollywood of famous actors, musicians, and others in the industry, were being asked to consider someone whose fame is dubious at least.

This reporter was, to his great protest, forced to attend the events. It seems this reporter has an editor who took offense to his inadvertent remark that her child’s fingerpainting looked like something a monkey would do. So this reporter was being punished by being sent out to cover entertainment events amid a sea of paparazzi. This reporter found himself wishing that a legendary Mountie could be in attendance to teach some of these entertainment “journalists” some manners, but word has it that Inspector Ulrich is in Canada, and has been known to remark that Los Angeles needs to be hit by the next big earthquake, if only to wipe out ninety percent of the world’s entertainment reporters.

On this day, the Kardashian family turned up to demand that Kim Kardashian, the centerpiece daughter of the reality show clan, be given a star on the Walk of Fame. The group included stepfather and demented former Olympian Bruce Jenner, who recently separated from clan matriarch Kris Jenner (who has never heard of a photo op she didn’t like), daughters Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney, and Kanye West, the overrated self-absorbed musician who happens to have a baby with Kim.  

The Chamber took five minutes to say that Kim Kardashian does not deserve a spot on the Walk of Fame. A wise decision, to say the least, and it’s the kinder way of saying what they must have been thinking: are you people really this crazy and stupid? Needless to say, the Kardashian clan (or Klan, as they’d like to be called) were annoyed. West seemed angry as he walked out among the reporters, followed by the rest of the family. “**** ‘em! You hear me? I said **** ‘em! What do they know? My baby mama’s a star, and she deserves a star! Everyone’s fascinated by her! And not just ‘cause she received the seed of the Almighty Kanye! I mean, how many women are there out there with little Kanyes? I’ve lost count. Wait, did I say that out loud? Doesn’t matter! All that matters is what I say, and I’m gonna go out there and convince the world that these morons are wrong!”

He started towards the door. “Because I’m Kanye West, and I’m bigger than them! I’m bigger than Jesus! I’m bigger than God!” At this point, he walked out the door, out onto the street, and out of nowhere, he was struck down by a large meteorite that appeared out of nowhere, smashing right into him and killing him instantly. Later, the real reporters on the scene of the first fatality by meteorite agreed that we’d all seen that one coming, and that we wouldn’t miss someone as pretentious as Kanye West anyway. At the moment, however, we all looked at the Kardashian family.

Kim seemed perplexed. It’s a common expression for her, and for the whole family. “Kanye? Baby? Are you okay? Mom, what just happened?” she asked, looking at her mother, and her sisters.

Kris Jenner shrugged. “Don’t worry, sweetie, we’ll find you someone else to leach off of. Maybe that John Mayer guy. Look, what just happened isn’t that important. Sure we’ll all miss Keith, Kevin, or whatever the hell his name was, but what’s important is that these idiots in the Chamber of Commerce don’t realize how important it is to do everything we say. We’re the Kardashians, after all, and we deserve to be treated with respect.”

“I’m not sure why I’m here,” Bruce Jenner muttered. “I mean, aren’t we breaking up?”

“Quiet, you,” Kris admonished him. “So we’ll just have to show them. Effective immediately, big news in the Kardashian empire. Now that I’m ditching Mr. Mumbles here, I’m on the lookout for someone new. So I’m going to get myself hitched to Billy Ray Cyrus. Sure, I’ve never met him, but this is all about the marketing angle, and everyone’s talking about his daughter right now. Can you see Miley as stepsister to my girls Kim and Khloe and Kourtney, and whatever the hell the other girl’s names are? It’ll be ratings gold! Of course, Miley and Billy Ray will have to change their names from Cyrus to Kyrus.”

This reporter spoke up. “Ms. Jenner, what do you say to the following? It has been said that the Kardashian family are quote, a pestilence and an abomination to anyone capable of thinking, a drain on the intellectual abilities of those foolish enough to pay them any attention, and a clan of bottom feeders that wastes perfectly good oxygen, end quote.”

Kris looked outraged. “Who told you that?”

“Well, William Kendall, the ranking expert on instigating mischief and tormentor of marketing executives, as a matter of fact,” this reporter admitted.

“And where do I find this William Kendall, because I’m going to kill... I mean, I’m going to have a nice conversation and set him straight about the difference we make in so many lives every day.”

“Unfortunately, he’s out there beyond the Fourth Wall,” this reporter told her, knowing that such theoretical concepts are beyond the comprehension of someone so shallow and clueless.

“And what is this Fourth Wall?” Kris demanded, her eyes flaring in anger.

This reporter began to explain despite himself. “You see, there’s a theory that none of this is actually happening, that we’re merely characters, and there’s a man with a computer...”

“Oh, don’t be silly! Now look, this still stands. Our getting Kim a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was just the starting point. Because we were going to get Khloe and Kourtney stars too. And what’s their names, my other kids. Because we’re the Kardashians, and we deserve it! And it’s just the first step to my ultimate goal. Having the country renamed Kardashia. Because when I’m through, I’ll be the Queen of Kardashia. And all of you will be our lowly footservants.”

“You realize you said that out loud?” another reporter asked.

“I did?” Kris asked, looking clueless, a common problem among the Kardashians. She pushed her way through the crowd, followed by her brood and the shiftless senile Bruce. They paused by the meteorite that only minutes earlier had crushed Kanye West before moving on. Whatever was left of Kanye was oozing from beneath the rock on the damaged street. Kim was the last to leave.

She called after her mother, “Hey, Mom, how fast do you think I can hook up with John Mayer?”

Vengeance Of The Downton Abbey Fanatics

I am so dead for writing this one... just thought I ought to say it in advance.

Director Announces Plan For Downton Abbey Film Adaptation; Television Show Fans And Stars Outraged

London (Reuters) Director Michael Bay, who has brought such films as Armageddon, The Rock, and the Transformers franchise to the big screen with his trademark quick queasycam edits and loud explosions, has picked up the film rights to adapt the popular television series Downton Abbey, broadcast in ITV in Great Britain and on PBS in the United States. The series, which tells the stories of an aristocratic family and their servants in the English countryside in the post Edwardian era, has become renowned and beloved by its fans, who enjoy the sterling cast, the intricate storylines tying into history, and the complex relationships of the characters. The fans of the series have given the show a life of its own, and have become fiercely loyal towards it. The notion of Bay getting the rights to make a film adaptation have, to put it mildly, horrified Downton fandom.

Show creators Julian Fellowes and Gareth Neame worked to distance themselves from the project. “Unfortunately Mr. Bay used deceit and treachery to get his hands on the film rights. We are as outraged by this turn of events as our many fans, and can only encourage them, when the time comes, to avoid seeing this adaptation,” a joint statement to the press declared.

Cast members are shocked. Dame Maggie Smith, who plays the Dowager Countess of Grantham on the show, was annoyed when reached by reporters. “Michael Bay is a horrible director. The man believes that a string of endless explosions and loud noise constitutes a film. He must be stopped. He is a menace, and he has to be stopped. For the good of all that Downton Abbey is, he cannot be allowed to proceed.”

Cast members Hugh Bonneville, Elizabeth McGovern, and Michelle Dockery were all in agreement. “This is ludicrous,” Bonneville told reporters on the set of the show in Hampshire. “If this project was going to be going to an outside director, we all expected someone credible, like a Ken Branagh or a David Yates, to come in and direct." 

"Instead this miscreant comes in and steals the film rights,” Dockery added.

McGovern shook her head in dismay. “And this is why I avoid Hollywood like the plague. Someone like this has no right to be manhandling such a special piece of work.”

Across the world, chapters of Downton Abbey fan groups have been rising up since the news was announced. Through the viral nature of social media on Facebook or Twitter, groups calling themselves Save Downton or Stop Michael Bay From Destroying Our Downton have sprung up quickly, gathering more followers by the hour, announcing escalating bounties on the head of Michael Bay.

As for the director himself? Bay met with reporters in New York, looking entirely pleased with himself. “Before I say anything else, I’d really like to thank my plastic surgeon for making me look so good, and my hairdresser who gets my hair just right and always knows how to give me that just enough stubble look that I love so much, and the people who help me get my tan just right. Don’t I just look fabulous?”

The press brought to his attention the matter at hand, and Bay shrugged it off. “You know, I know there are a lot of fans out there of the television show who think I’m going to make mistakes in bringing this thing to the big screen. I’d like to set their worries to rest. I won’t be using the cast of the show. For one thing, they’ve all threatened my life, and I don’t like working with casts who hate me that much. So, I’m going with a total new cast. I’m thinking Shia LeBeouf has to be the main character. After all, most other actors won’t work with me twice for some reason that I can’t quite figure out, but Shia likes working with me. And none of this cranky old British chippie  either. “ Bay said that with a Cheshire-cat grin.

“American audiences want American actors, so we’re going to have, oh, let’s say, Betty White playing that dowager Countess whatever you call it. And while we’re at it, I don’t know about you, but I find all that English chatter stuff that goes on in all these period dramas really, really boring. Too much talking, not enough explosions. And not enough barely clad women waxing cars. And not enough rock music underscore. And not enough explosions. Did I mention I want explosions? So what we’ll be doing is very simple. We’re going to set aside all that British chattering and telling the story of a runaway steam train that’s doomed to collide with the Abbey house by the end of the film. And Jon Voight’s going to appear somewhere in it, because I always have to have a Jon Voight appearance in my films. Maybe I’ll have him kicking the King in his royal ass. And we’ll have lots of explosions along the way. That’s the story I want to tell. Take that, Maggie Smith!”

Reporters were stunned into a horrified silence at the statement by Bay, who left to get his facial stubble trimmed. The film is being timed for a Christmas 2013 release, and has been given the working title Downton Abbey: Burning Down The Abbey.

The bounty on Michael Bay’s head has grown since the statement to surpass the thirty million dollar mark.

It's Four In The Morning And You Can't Get A Wink Of Sleep

First things first today, a bit of business to see to. I was surprised to get a nod from Christine at her blog Christine M. Grote. She gave me the Kreativ Blogger Award.

I've been following Christine for awhile now. She's a thoughtful writer with a variety of subjects to write about. Her family is one such subject, particularly her father and her late sister, the latter of whom is featured in her book Dancing In Heaven. I've also come to enjoy her photography and insights on life. If you haven't found your way to her blog, check it out. You'll enjoy what you find. 

I thought I'd use the opportunity to shine the Kreativ Blogger spotlight on several blogs, and so without further ado, here they are.

Many of you of course know Norma's blogs Windchaser's Journey and Sam's Story. What you may have overlooked is her writing blog Beishir Books, which highlights her past works and her works in progress. She's a novelist and creative soul who got me to really make a run at writing.

My good friend Beth Muscat runs several blogs, including Shameless Reviews and Promotions, which you may have overlooked. I'd have to give her the nod just for the creative way she makes me fill the cuss jar for speaking about winter.

Erin Lausten is another friend and fellow member of the Writers of Mass Distraction. I'm currently reading through her book Unexpected, a roller coaster novel playing around with time travel. If you haven't seen her blog before, check it out. It's a lot of fun.

I'm also reading through Shelly's book Secondhand Shoes, a comedic character study. While many of you do know her blog The Life of A Novice Writer, I'd suggest you check out her second blog, Secondhand Shoes, A Novel, which is a good companion for the upcoming book.

All four of the above are, of course, members of the Writers of Mass Distraction, of course. Along with myself and the rest of the group, we're a twisted and yet creative bunch of writers. You can find our work over at our joint blog, assuming you haven't already subscribed. Check it out!

There are two other blogs I follow that I think you ought to get a look at as well, if you haven't already. Carla White is a fellow Canadian who writes on a variety of themes, including food, life, and the occasional walkabout over at The Water's Edge.

Finally, another Canadian (we're everywhere, don't you know?) that I've gotten to like is novelist Tracy Krauss, who writes Christian fiction. She can be found at Tracy Krauss Expression Express, where she blogs about writing, reading, themes, and life in general.

And there we have it. Check these blogs out and say hello!

With that, on with the business at hand....

It happens every once in awhile to all of us. That night where sleep doesn't come easily, if at all. There are any number of reasons why you're not sleeping. Perhaps you're deliberately doing so, because you have an exam in constitutional law (anything but that!) in the morning and you haven't even started studying. In which case, why on earth are you on the internet reading this blog?

Other times, however, you don't have a choice in the matter. You'd like to get to sleep, but it's just not happening. The reasons can be many. Some nights you're sick, and that keeps you up. At other times you're feeling emotionally down, and sleep evades you. Believe me, I know.

Perhaps it's a guilty conscience. Perhaps you're a puddy tat who just ate a tweety bird, and a disembodied British voice is tormenting you with the full magnitude of your crime. This has you pacing back and forth, thinking that every siren you hear means they're coming for you...

Yes, obviously I've seen my share of those cartoons. I was always rooting for Sylvester, but that's just me.

Then again, maybe the reason you're still awake, staring at that clock near your bed, wondering why you can't nod off, has to do with noise. Perhaps, for example, a squirrel or two have decided to move into the walls of your home and persist in running about at three in the morning, making noise, chattering away, even putting on the coffee and having friends over.

Well, you might as well give it up. So you get up out of bed, head out to the living room, turn on the television, and see what's on. Maybe something suitably boring will do the trick and make you nod off. If not, a profoundly boring book might also be ideal for your purposes.

The most boring book I've ever had to read. I quit after two chapters.

So you've settled in downstairs, found the remote, switched on the television. What might you find? Well, I'll tell you, because of late I've experienced this. You see, the squirrels have taken up winter residence in the walls of my place, and seem to take the greatest delight in making lots of noise. That sort of thing gets really annoying at three or four in the morning.

So I've found myself coming downstairs, turning on a television, seeing what's going on at that time of night. It turns out... not a lot. Here are just a few samples of late late late night programming.

Infomercials. Lots and lots of infomercials, paid ads, and the lot. Soap opera actresses hawking skin cream. A guy who sells seemingly everything, including spray paint that's supposed to cover bald spots (yeah, right). Gym membership infomercials. And oddly enough, infomercials for adults only chat lines, dating service, and what can best be described as "adult entertainment novelties." With demonstrations of said novelties. Yes, vibrators getting shown off at four in the morning.

There are newscasts on the American local channels. At four in the morning. Honestly, who's watching the news that early in the morning? Is this a taped rebroadcast of the late news? Or are these anchors being punished by the station for running over the owner's foot by being exiled to the four A.M. live show?

Perhaps you'll find yourself drawn to one of the movie channels. If you're lucky, you'll find a gem. If you're not, you'll find yourself watching a Three Stooges short (I never did get the Stooges). And if you're very unlucky, you might find yourself watching a Republic serial from sixty years ago about a woman pulling a Zorro, disguising herself in black, riding on a horse out of a hidden cave behind a waterfall, and chasing bandits on a runaway wagon that goes off a cliff (incidentally, if anyone could identify just what that is, I'd appreciate it... I only saw the end of it, and no cast list after the cliffhanger ending.... damn you, serial cliffhangers!).

You might be a sports nut. Well, there might be a taped rebroadcast of a game on at that hour of the night, but odds are, you'll be finding yourself watching something pointless, like golf, or cricket... or poker. Honestly, people, poker's a game at a table! It's not a sport! Why does this sort of thing turn up on a sports channel?

As you're channel surfing, you might end up coming across a well coiffed sanctimonious "evangelist" doing his Revelations-filtered take on the weekly news, interpreting everything as a sign of the end times, and quoting scripture from memory, while his plastic surgery preserved wife and co-host repeatedly says, "that's right!" You might find yourself puzzled as to why the Sanctimonious One starts telling a story that insults the Presbyterian denomination. I was certainly puzzled. I imagine he doesn't get many donations lining his pockets from Presbyterians, so that makes them a fair target.

Maybe you have satellite television. In which case you'll have countless music channels. Somewhere among the classical music channels, there'll be something playing Brahm's Lullabye. That could send you right off to dreamland.

Assuming the squirrels haven't come downstairs and are now taking the party to the wall directly behind you.