Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Reality Bites

In another sign of the decline of western civilization, a reality show mouth breathing bottom feeder calling itself Snooki released a novel in recent days. That is, she and her ghost writer released the book. Let's face it, she doesn't appear bright enough to even approach grade one literacy, so you know she needed help writing the book.

For those of you lucky enough not to know, Snooki is a cast member of The Jersey Shore, a so called reality show in the tradition of The Hills, yet another show about vacant headed idiots living together Once upon a time, MTV used to play music videos. Now it runs reality shows. I've only seen brief clips, but what I've seen leads me to shake my head in dismay. This dreck is what passes for entertainment?

This bubble headed moron is Snooki herself.

The other day, Ellen DeGeneres read a passage from the book on her show. Apparently the passage she read (how'd she do that without breaking out into laughter?) featured a naked guy with a strategically placed cloth... that started to move.

Well, from the brief clips I've seen, I would suggest that the reason the cloth started to move is simple: pubic hair lice. These wastes of oxygen on that show seem to fit that part.

I have, however, had the distinct pleasure of seeing the entire Jersey Shore cast mercilessly skewered. South Park did a tremendous job of that this season, writing Jerseyites as obnoxious louts, and Snooki herself as an animal in rut, shagging anything that crossed her path. I think that latter notion is spot on, by the way.

What is it about reality television that makes it infest the airwaves? For years now, we've been subjected to show after show of d-list celebrities (emphasis on d-list) in rehab or living together under one roof (Celebrity Rehab or The Surreal Life). We've seen shows like Survivor, Big Brotherand the Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise hog airtime. There are shows about large families with cameras in the faces of little children all the time while parents gradually start sniping at each other (balding Gosselin and angry Gosselin, I'm talking about you).

And it never ends. Shows about bridezillas, baby mommas, teen mothers, non celebrity interventions, bounty hunters, d-listers desperately trying to salvage their careers (Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, Hasselhoff, I'm talking about you prats, even if one of you bit the dust). Shows about people who are famous merely for being famous (the Hiltons, the Lohans, the Kardashians)... let's face it, this one is surely a plague on all humanity.

There are signs of hope. After all, Sarah Palin's reality show (who launches a presidential campaign in a reality show?) hasn't been picked up for a second season, and so much the better. She'll just have to launch Phase One of Operation Empress Sarah, Supreme Majestrix Of The Americas another way.

I even count the so called competition shows that never seem to end and clutter up the air waves. Dancing With The (Has Been) Stars. America's Got Talent. So You Think You Can Dance. And the worst of them all? American Idol and its various counterparts.

How many of these so called Idol winners can you name? Exactly. The only one who might have a lasting career is the one who went right into country music instead of sticking to the tried and true Idol formula.

Idol panders to that impulse so many people have to become famous. From my point of view though, the music acts who last, who make an impact, are the ones who do the work themselves, who pay their dues, who rise to the top based on their own talents.

Idol contestants, on the other hand, fit into the nice and neat package set up by studio producers who drop interest in them after the first album, thus resigning them to the oblivion they came from. That's not how you make a mark in the music world.

Reality shows are a pestilence. A plague. Indeed, I'll leave you with this thought. Take the story of Exodus. Had ancient Egypt been equipped with televisions, there would have been no need for plagues of locusts, bloody rivers, frogs, fires, or death. God could have inflicted a plague of reality shows on Egyptian airwaves. The Pharoah would have been summoning Moses to his palace within twenty four hours.

"Moses, buddy! Listen, you can take all of your people, leave Egypt. You're free now. Just tell that god of yours to please stop airing Goshen Idol and Giza's Got Talent and The Alexandria Shore. It's driving our people out of our minds! Come on, Moses. I did that favour for you, remember?"


  1. Give me a minute to stop laughing before I comment....

    William, I think you may actually hate reality shows as much as I do. I have to disagree on one thing, however: American Idol. Yes, Carrie Underwood's the biggest star among the winners. But you forgot Jennifer Hudson, who wasn't a winner but ended up with an Oscar and a few other choice awards to her credit. If you don't count that pro wrestler she married, she's done pretty well for herself.

  2. ROTFLMAO! Thanks for the giggle. I hope my stereotype about Canadians liking hockey didn't offend you. Sorry!

  3. I loathe reality TV. Hubby and I were having this discussion yesterday. A few years back TV was inundated with sitcoms--so overdone that I was sick of TV altogether. So I switched to drama shows only.
    Then reality TV came out and I was even more annoyed than with the sitcoms. I gave up TV. Only things I watch now are movies and maybe a little news to see what's up with the world.
    You're spot on. It's a sad case of entertainment. And amazing that so many out there still find any of it entertaining at all.

  4. wahahahahahahhahahaahahahah !
    Oh My Goodness LOL ! Great post.

    I think I watch one TV show on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.
    When I work in my studio it is HGTV I am trying to learn how to re-surface my driveway and the cooking channel. Other than that it is movies on my DVD player or books on tape.
    But if you think the above TV shows are weird you should see my basic cable with 15 channels, 4 are the main networks channels in English and then most of the rest are filled with the most unbelievable Mexican TV show. Lots of young well endowed women walking and dancing in tiny swimsuits conducting interviews. Surreal doesn't even cover it.

    cheers, parsnip

  5. Great blog...! I so hate reality tv shows. I used to watch a few, but they soon got boring. I think that t-shirt was spot on...and your idea about Snooki's book, was probably, too.

  6. I avoid most reality shows, but I got all sucked into the millionaire matchmaker last night. Oh the humanity!

  7. I hate a lot of them, but I do love some of them too! I'm so ashamed.

  8. A lot of us here hate reality T.V. It's ...there's no word to describe it other than DISAPPOINTING. Are people that stupid that they can't create something imaginative and original?

    William, this blog was well done.

  9. So let us get this straight: you love reality TV, American politics and parodies are out, right? Never let it be said The Lisas don't pay close attention to everything we read.

  10. I read this out loud in our house and you had us all in stitches

  11. I generally don't watch a lot of TV, especially reality TV, but I will admit that my daughter and I have a fascination with Hoarders.

  12. American Idiot? Now I have Green Day playing in my head. Thanks.


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