Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better
Showing posts with label Celine Dion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Celine Dion. Show all posts

Sunday, April 8, 2018

A Day In The Life Of A Doctor

I have something a bit different today- the point of view of a certain doctor in a hospital in Calgary. Enjoy!


7:28 AM. Waking up at home. Slept as well as I can. Still too many hours on duty in the ER, and never enough sleep. Oh well, I knew that going into this line of work…


7:52 AM. Finished getting ready for the day and just about done with breakfast. I have to be in for my shift in a couple of hours, so at least I get a chance to slowly ease my way into the day.


8:36 AM. Stopping to get the morning papers. The store owner always knows me, and is as pleasant as usual. I thank her, particularly for never using my full name. 


9:44 AM. Stepping into the hospital, a few minutes ahead as usual.  Rockyview General never changes. Always busy.


9:52 AM. My gear’s stashed away and I’m in scrubs, talking with one of the nurses heading off her shift. She tells me there’s an entertainment reporter in a body cast who’s being treated by Doctor Wainwright that I’ll have to take over when he goes off shift. It seems he ran afoul of a grouchy Mountie.


10:02 AM. Wainwright fills me in. He tells me that our patient, one Scooter Anderson, asked the Mountie in question why he wasn’t on tour with the rest of Metallica. First, what kind of name is Scooter? And second… does it ever occur to these people that just because you share a name with someone doesn’t mean you are that person. Believe me, I know, from personal experience.


10:21 AM. Looking in on Scooter Anderson, who’s covered from head to toe with a body cast. He’s quietly groaning, muttering something or another. I’m careful to merely identify myself as his doctor, as opposed to my name. In my personal experience, entertainment reporters are idiots who can’t grasp basic facts.


10:22 AM. Anderson mutters something about ‘I thought Lars was supposed to be in LA’ before droning off. I instruct the nurse to up his painkillers before withdrawing from the room.


1:23 PM. Taking a break between my rounds. Having coffee with two of the nurses. The television’s on in the cafeteria, though the sound is down and the closed captioning feature is active. A reporter is filing a story from the courthouse. The banner at the bottom of the screen notes that the Jessica Fletcher case has another hearing today. Ah, yes, the crazy psychotic murdering novelist who framed thousands of people for murders she committed.

And she kept getting away with it for how many decades again?


1:24 PM. The reporter notes that the defendant was removed from court during the hearing, a pre-trial motions hearing, because of an outburst towards an unidentified individual in court. The words ‘your head on a pike’ were used.

The expression batshit crazy comes to mind.


3:06 PM. Near the ER entrance when a man comes in. He’s easily two metres tall, 140 kilograms of pure muscle by the looks of him, bald with a goatee. Dressed like a biker. If you saw the guy in a dark alley or holding a pool cue and looking pissed off, you might want to head the other way. Not so much right now. He’s holding his right hand, looking anxious, blurting out, “I hurt my thumb!”

I try not to roll my eyes. Men are such babies.


3:31 PM. Walking the biker out the front door after bandaging his thumb. Honestly, the guy gets his thumb accidentally stuck in the door leaving the bar, and he acts like it’s the end of the world and nobody has ever felt that much pain. It’s not even broken! Like I said… babies!


6:45 PM. Looking forward to getting off shift. Another hour. I can make it through another hour, right? Of course I can.


7:26 PM. Conducting rounds. Looking in on Scooter Anderson, who’s pretty much unconscious. There’s someone in with him, though. She introduces herself as his colleague. “Taffy Candy, Entertainment Tonight,” she says.

Again, I try not to roll my eyes. I hate these people, I really do. I only introduce myself as Doctor Dion, answering her questions as to her colleague’s condition and when he can be released into long term care.


7:28 PM. Out in the corridor with Taffy Candy, whose very name makes me feel like strangling her. Weird thought for a doctor to have, but when you’ve got enough experience with entertainment reporters, you understand why. One of my colleagues passes by, nodding hello… and making the mistake of calling me by my first name at the worst possible time. In front of an entertainment reporter.

Taffy Candy looks at me. With that deer in the headlights kind of look common to her profession.

“Wait a minute,” she says. “Celine Dion? Wow, I didn’t know you’re a doctor too!”

I sigh, speaking in a low, hostile tone. “I am not that Celine Dion.”

Taffy Candy shakes her head. “Are you sure?”


8:37 PM. Speaking with the ER chief, who is both cautioning me against hitting someone in her ER again, but also sympathetic about the reason why. She knows how it feels, after all. She gets to go through life with the name Anne Murray, and entertainment reporters have frequently confused her with that singer too.

We part ways after she adds, “nice left hook, by the way.”

Damn straight.

I wonder if Taffy Candy will remember that I’m not that Celine Dion.

Probably not. She is an entertainment reporter, after all, and they’re all pretty dumb.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Pet Peeves And Random Thoughts

Every once in awhile, a thought or a complaint runs through your head that you might like to blog about, but it really doesn't seem to be enough for a blog in and of itself. Hence it does seem to be a good idea to gather these ideas all together into... well, a pet peeves and random thoughts blog. And so without further ado, let us begin...




There's a certain shop in a certain downtown mall (oh, why bother being evasive? It's the BOSE electronics shop in the Rideau Centre) that I've passed many times. It sells electronics, home entertainment systems, you know the type. The largest screen in there is a big one, and every single time I pass that store, the Adele concert film is on. I've heard some of her music, and it's okay... but playing it over and over again must drive the store employees bonkers. And I feel like I've seen the whole concert already.


Erotica is an eyebrow raising genre, but what do you suppose would happen if a big name author who wasn't known for writing it gave it a go? Dan Brown, the fellow behind The Da Vinci Code, has written sex into his previous books, but would it end up having his main character describing the inner secrets of the Kama Sutra while in the middle of reaching their... happy place?



By the same token, military-techno nut Tom Clancy (back before the quality of his writing took a fast plunge off a cliff) is best known for his spy thrillers, not to mention stopping the narrative so that he can explain precisely where a piece of military hardware is built, how it's made, and so on and so on, frustrating the reader to no end. He's written sex into his books from time to time (and comes off as something of an adolescent when doing so).  Would he end up writing a solo erotica scene where the heroine decides to pleasure herself with a vibrator, and would he feel compelled to describe exactly where it's made, the amount of time it takes for one vibrator to be made, the shift worker putting it together, and what said shift worker thinks about their job and the moral implications of putting such devices together? By this point, of course, the readers would have tossed the book away out of frustration and disgust at how the author isn't getting anywhere...


And while we're at it... would Stephen King, writing erotica, be unable to get away from his horror influences? Would such a passage come across in this way?  She groaned as he plunged into her, thrusting deep. Clarisa dug her fingernails deep into his back, arching her own back in pleasure, driving her body against him. He cried out, but not in the way she expected. The scratches she cast on his back had drawn blood... and fire erupted out of the scratches. He screamed and howled as his body set ablaze...

See what I mean?


We need to round up all of the Elvis impersonators in the world and have them dropped onto a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific so that we won't have to come across a guy with bad sideburns singing Love Me Tender in a really cheesy jumpsuit on the street. Who's with me?

I want to go back in time, find the person who coined the phrase baby bump, and smack them. Then go further back in time and prevent them from being conceived, thus preventing that idiotic term from ever being coined.

Is the sole purpose of a high ranking officer in a Dirty Harry film merely to look like he's about to blow a gasket every time Harry gets to sending a crook on the fast track to hell?



Just what does Ryan Seacrest actually do? And how much blood did he have to shed to become famous? And to whom did he sacrifice said blood to?

The emotional depth of the Kardashian family reaches an astonishing one eighth of a millimetre total.



Is Kathie Lee Gifford secretly a Looney Tunes character (Lady Drinksalot)? Would calling her that be an insult to Bugs, Daffy, and the rest? Would they drop an anvil on me? Hit me with an Acme sledgehammer? Launch me out of an Acme cannon?



What is it about public libraries that draw in morons who like having conversations that others can hear over the music they're listening to on their headphones? Were these morons raised by Neanderthals? No... Neanderthals had better manners.

Memo to Hollywood: please stop adapting Nicholas Sparks novels. And just for good measure, don't let Michael Bay direct another movie ever again.




Since Stephanie Meyer has decided against continuing the infernal Twilight franchise, will she start up another series called The Noon Saga, about immortal succubi? And then would that be followed by  The Afternoon Tea Saga, which would, of course, be about immortal teenaged afficionados of Earl Grey tea?

Often we see videos for sale in a convenience store that we've never heard of, featuring actors who are long past their prime. One of these days I'm expecting to see a film starring Steven Seagal, Vanilla Ice, Pia Zadora, and Carrot Top called Dear God, Buy This Movie, The Loan Sharks Are Coming To Break Our Legs.

Someone needs to muzzle David Foster. Celine Dion wasn't nearly so obnoxious in her early years, then she met Foster, and all of a sudden, every song had to be over the top, over done, and breaking wine glasses. I swear, the man has never heard of being subtle and understated. In his world, a song must have a thousand voice choir and a thousand-violin orchestra accompanying the lead singer, and must outdo every song before it...



Speaking of Celine, I'd like to thank the city of Las Vegas for taking her off our hands. I'd also like to apologize on behalf of all Canadians for unleashing her on the world. Same goes for Justin Bieber. And Nickleback. And Drake. For the record, we do have good musicians.

 If Wizard of Oz were remade with members of the Bush administration, would it work out to the following casting? Dubya as the Scarecrow (no brain), Laura Bush as Dorothy, Dick Cheney as the Tin Man (no heart), Michael "Brownie" Brown as the Cowardly Lion (no spine), Karl Rove as the Wizard, and Hillary Clinton as the Wicked Witch of the West?


Why does Jason Statham insist on playing pretty much the same character over and over and over again?


Finally.... why is a raven like a writing desk?


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Stop The Titanic, I Want To Get Off



"No, really, I've got a bad feeling about this voyage. Look, the coast is just two miles over there, we've only just left port, and I've swum in the Channel plenty of times. Hell, I'll jump overboard, you don't even have to lower me down. Cheerio, old chap!" ~ Charlie O'Dowd, the first survivor of the Titanic, 1912


"I'm not sure if I should go with the star crossed lovers angle for the film, or with plan B, where I retcon the whole tragedy by revealing that a Terminator from the future has been sent back in time to kill Sarah Conner's grandmother, who just happens to be on the Titanic on its maiden voyage. What to do, what to do..." ~ James Cameron, in personal journals, 1994


How does one review a film that was released fifteen years ago? Well, if the film gets re-released to theatres in glossy 3D fashion, that's all the excuse one needs. And this is actually the second of two reviews. Check out our joint blog Basking In The Afterglow, where our alter egos are getting a bit frisky whilst reviewing the film.

 Titanic is back in theatres, of course. In 1997, the film was released, thought to be James Cameron's folly after the director spent two hundred million dollars on making it. Instead, the film took in nearly two billion dollars in repeat business, winning a whole mess of Oscars, and becoming a classic. I first saw it a few days after its release, on the last day of the year, with my dad, who's a Titanic nut. He stayed awake through the whole film (he does tend to have a problem with falling asleep through a film, but not this one). And obviously it was a bit awkward sitting through a certain scene or two with him right there. I'll let you guess which one.


Well, just in time for the hundredth anniversary of the sinking of the ship itself, the film is back in theatres, and in 3D. As mentioned before, I hate 3D, but there was no alternative venue, so I went in fully expecting to get a headache out of the experience. Fortunately I had tylenol close at hand.

The film retells the story of the sinking, which we all know how it ends (spoiler alert if you're one of the six people on the planet who have never heard about the incident: the ship sank. Lots of people met a bad end. Edwardian-era hubris took a big hit). It superimposes a love story against the sinking, a meeting of two people across class lines, both heading home to America. And the film makes use of CGI, elaborate sets, fine details, and spares no expense in bringing us back in time to a tragedy that still draws our attention. 


The film begins in the present day, with Brock Lovett (Bill Paxton), a somewhat disreputable deep sea salvage expert who's busy searching the legendary wreck for a safe that is thought to contain a priceless necklace that once belonged to a passenger. He finds it, but not the necklace, and his work draws in a survivor (Gloria Stuart), who comes out to the site and begins to tell him, his team, and her granddaughter a story she's kept to herself all these years.

The young Rose (Kate Winslet) is on her way home to America with her mother (Frances Fisher) and her fiancee Cal (Billy Zane). Cal seems to be charming and ideal, but we the audience quickly get to see things about him that start setting off alarm bells. He's condescending, possessive, and arrogant. Rose herself comes across as trapped by circumstance into an impending marriage. She seems, at first, to be detached, almost as if she's withdrawn into herself, dreading the fate that awaits her.


The other lead character, of course, is Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio), an American who's been wandering Europe for awhile, drawing pictures of naked Frenchwomen in his spare time (yes, it's a tough job, but someone has to do it). He and a friend win a game of cards that includes third class tickets on the Titanic, and off they go, boarding the ship. One of the things that I often think about with this film is that you could have easily told a story about the people who, by chance of fate, didn't get onto the ship. Lucky sods, though they might not have thought it...


Jack and Rose are from two worlds, and the social class rigidity of the time means that they're not meant to associate. Cameron works that side of things early on, clearly sympathizing with the third class passengers over the snooty wealthy first class passengers (despite the fact that he's filthy rich himself). Still, fate intervenes when Jack saves Rose's life as she tries to end it. The two get to know each other. Things get more complicated as they start to fall for each other. Rose's mother disapproves of the disreputable boy. Cal sneers at Jack, continues to affirm the audience's general opinion of him, and twirls his invisible mustache (Zane is channeling his inner Snidely Whiplash in this role), and plotting with his valet and personal muscle Lovejoy (the always interesting David Warner). Oh, and then there's a pesky iceberg that decides to go out of its way to hit the ship. Or is it the other way around?


The entire sequence from the iceberg to the final sinking is very well done; you can certainly see that the entire budget of the film was well used. It's dramatic, frightening, and conveys the differences and similarities in reactions to the sinking. There are tidbits of historic fact that are followed through on; we know that society barons like John Jacob Astor and Benjamin Guggenheim stayed on board and went down as gentlemen. We know that ship's owner Bruce Ismay (Jonathan Hyde) got onto a lifeboat, sealing his fate as a coward. We know that the ship designer Thomas Andrews (Victor Garber) quickly understood the magnitude of the situation, explaining it to Ismay and Captain Smith (Bernard Hill) and accepted his own fate, going down with the ship. The distinctions between classes is stark in its treatment; steerage class passengers are locked below decks waiting while first class passengers are boarding under-capacity lifeboats. Panic builds on itself as the situation worsens. And through all of this, there's Jack and Rose, who, after a bout of backseat sex in a car in the cargo hold, find themselves promising to get off the ship together. At least until that evil iceberg changes everything. They spend the sinking dashing about through the ship, occasionally in freezing cold water (hypothermia, anyone?), and in regular outbursts of danger, before the ship itself plunges into the Atlantic.


Yes, the ship sinks. If I've ruined the ending of the film you've been avoiding seeing for the last fifteen years, well, I'm sorry. You can take out your frustration on my idiot ex-brother-in-law.

Obviously Rose survives. Jack doesn't. She goes on to live a very full life, free of the expectations and demands she would have been living under. She marries a decent guy, has children and grandchildren, and gets to be a centenarian who dies quietly in her sleep after getting rid of a certain priceless artifact (Lovett would be shocked, shocked I say!). The film is very much her story. Jack saves her life, and saves her capacity for living.

Now then, to my opinions. First, the two leads. Kate Winslet is fine as Rose, and shows real spark as the film goes on and the character breaks out of the mold she's been cast into. She takes fate into her hands, becomes bold, decisive, and courageous. The direction she ultimately goes in makes entire sense for the person she becomes as the film progresses.

I can't say quite the same for DiCaprio, and allow me to explain. I've got a rather longstanding dislike of him as an actor, and it goes back to Romeo and Juliet, which I find an abominable adaptation of the Bard's work (strangely, the same dislike does not apply to his Juliet, Claire Danes). It was all too fresh when Titanic came out, and so I went in with a general hostility to the actor. That impression has never really improved, and in fact, the only film I've seen him in that didn't leave me feeling the same was Inception, which would have been improved somewhat with a different lead actor (not that I'm saying that's a bad movie). His Jack Dawson seems to be a modern character thrown back in time. I still find the character distracting.



The supporting cast tends to be more hit then miss. The dastardly Cal seems too one-note, too much of a caricature. His right hand man Lovejoy is much more interesting, I think. David Warner plays him as contemptuous and suspicious, but at the same time, as someone who holds much of what he thinks in reserve. He's an enigma, and as such, I found him much more compelling then Cal.

Frances Fisher serves the role well as a mother who has little regard for what her daughter is going through, only for her place in society and securing her status. She conveys an arrogance in her performance. This is a contrast to Kathy Bates, playing Molly Brown, a wealthy woman who's nonetheless salt of the earth, the sort of no nonsense, likeable person who the real Molly Brown might well have been like. It's easy to like her, and Bates does a fine job with the role. Paxton, always a good Everyman, plays the cocky, fortune and glory seeking Lovett well as he gradually becomes humbled by Rose's story, making a connection with the human scale of the disaster for the first time in his life. Gloria Stuart, playing the elderly Rose, has a quiet strength and spirit, weaving the story and reflecting on the past as she does so. It's a fine late-career role for her.


Jonathan Hyde has been playing character roles for years, and he plays Ismay to perfection, giving the audience a sneering, arrogant man who defies the heavens and ultimately turns out to be a very small, cowardly man. Bernard Hill, one of my favourite actors, plays the doomed captain with grace- and ultimately in the end, indecision. True to history, he still goes down with the ship (Captain Schettino, you could have learned a thing or two about seamanship from Captain Smith). And Victor Garber, another favourite actor of mine, plays Andrews very sympathetically. I found his performance to be one of the true gems of the film; Andrews has none of the arrogance of Ismay, is direct and matter of fact when the disaster begins, and as his fate is certain, there's a sad resignation about him. I would have liked to see the film from his point of view.


The production values, filming, and so on are top notch, of course. Cameron got the right people together in the crew, and the end result is a film that conveys the painstaking fine details of the time, the class struggles, and the sheer panic that must have grown that night a century ago (no masses of doomed men singing Nearer My God To Thee in this version). I don't really think the 3D makeover was needed; personally, it gives me a headache, and I find the format to be little more then a gimmick. The film remains as fresh and crisp as it was when it was first released, even if we have to put up with Celine Dion breaking wine glasses over the end credits. I swear, the woman has never heard of singing in an understated way.



On a closing note, three complete asides. First, if Stephanie Meyer wrote the screenplay, Jack Dawson would have lived. This despite the fact that any logical person seeing the film for the first time knows he's doomed. No, in the world of She Who Created The Twilight Menace, we can't have a little thing like death come between two star crossed lovers, can we? Second, there's that scene that always intrigued me, with the elderly Rose telling the group about the final fate of Cal. He puts a gun to his head when his business interests went south after the stock market crash... "Or so I heard." That look in her eyes at that moment suggests to me that we could have had a Rose kills Cal and makes it look like a suicide for revenge thing going on.

You'll never look at that scene quite the same again, will you?

Finally, coming in 2014, from director Michael Bay, the true story of what happened that fateful night...

Godzilla Versus The Titanic!!!


Friday, December 10, 2010

Deck The Halls With Overblown Singing

Now, contrary to what you might expect, this is not going to be about Christmas music.

Some time ago, I started a bit of fuss over at IMDb by posting a discussion thread apologizing on behalf of all Canadians for unleashing Justin Bieber on the world. This, of course, was in the Justin Bieber threads, so you can imagine what happened.

Of course there were those people who got it, who were very much in agreement with that, and even offered apologies for whatever abomination their country launched on the world. And at the same time, the Bieberites came out in force and lashed out for degrading their idol. Bieberites are not only tone deaf, but they're biters. Just so you know.

I rest assured that given the fickle nature of Bieber's 13 to 16 year old fan base and the established history of what happened to every single boy band act before the little twit that the Bieber fad won't last. Inside of three years, he's going to be nobody again, wondering what happened to all those millions he made, while his agent is going to be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent on the pilfered funds. None of his current fans will even admit they were ever a Justin Bieber fan. I promise you all, it won't last.

Anyway, this isn't a Bieber rant. This is another apology on behalf of my fellow Canucks.

You see, there's another musical plague we unleashed upon the world, and unlike the mop headed little cretin, this one shows no signs of ever going away.

Yes, you guessed it.

It's Celine Dion.



A few days ago I passed through a store, and given the time of year, there was Christmas music playing on the speakers. Celine was bellowing out O Holy Night. The tune's a decent song, but like so many Christmas songs, it's best done in an understated way.

Celine doesn't understand the word understated.

I think it might well have been around the time of her third English album that she went and lost her mind and transformed into the CelineZilla we all know today. I blame David Foster. The music "producer" (yes, the quotation marks are indeed because I question his credentials, work with me, people!) seems to think that music has to be done Over the top! With soaring strings! And a two hundred singer choir!

No, David, that's called overblown.

One of my early blogs was on my dislike for The Wizard of Oz. If you haven't seen it, it's here in my index, and should be obvious when you find it. It's got that other example of an overblown singer, Judy Garland, who seems to believe in murdering a song. Over The Rainbow is a perfectly decent song if it's done in an understated way. I've heard jazz singers like Jane Monheit sing it that way, and it's fine. In the hands of Judy Garland, it's overblown. It's as if her mindset was can I break glass by singing this and holding the note as long as I can for a big finish? 

There's also the Whitney Houston school of singing. Before she went off and turned into a crack addict, Whitney was blowing songs out of proportion. Have you ever heard the original version of I Will Always Love You? It's quiet, but in the shrieking wails of Whitney the Banshee... er, I mean Whitney Houston, it's an anthem, over the top, obnoxious, and enough to drive you to drink.

Celine understands that kind of mentality. Every song she sings is BIG! And OVER THE TOP! Not to mention PULLING AT THE HEARTSTRINGS NO MATTER HOW MANY PUPPIES AND BABY PICTURES WE HAVE TO SHOW ON THE BIG SCREEN!

Yes, I'm revolted too. And the woman's turned herself into an industry. With lots and lots of fans who won't let her just fade away. So unfortunately, Celine is here to stay.

To those of you who love Celine, I suggest treatment by a good therapist to help you resolve your issues. Admitting you have a problem is the first step in your recovery.

To those of you who find Celine as obnoxious as I do, I apologize. My country and I offer our deepest regrets for unleashing the CelineZilla on the rest of the world. Try not to hold it against us.

And when Celine turns up on television or the radio, in those painful, agonizing seconds before you can switch the station, yes... I know. There are times when the deaf are fortunate.