A Day In The Life Of A Dog

 It is time once again for the perspective of the dog and the cat. As always, the dog gets the first word in on these things, since he is so easily distracted by everything.

7:02 AM. Waking up at home. Slept very well indeed. Dreamed of chasing squirrels.

7:04 AM. A look outside the windows. Birds out on the lawns. The sun is rising later these days, and the nights are getting cooler. Soon we'll be running through leaves and getting frost, and before you know it, it'll be winter.

7:09 AM. Waiting on the human to get downstairs. After all, I can't see to my breakfast alone. 

7:21 AM. The human comes downstairs. I thump my tail in greetings. Good morning, human! Fine day, isn't it? Say, how about we start putting some thought into my breakfast?

7:23 AM. The human is pouring a big bowl of kibbles.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy...

7:24 AM. Have finished off the kibbles in near-record fastest time. 

That was good!

7:27 AM. Inquiring with the human as to if she'll let me out for a run.

7:28 AM. Out the back door and on my way. See you later, human!

7:43 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off. As happy as I can be.

7:52 AM. Stopping in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hey, Spike!

7:53 AM. After customary doggie greetings, Spike and I get down to talking about matters of the greatest canine urgency.

What are the mailmen plotting?

8:03 AM. Parting ways with Spike, who says he'll let me know when the mailman is passing by his place.

8:13 AM. On my way through the woods, heading home, not a worry in my head.

8:14 AM. Pause in my steps. Uh oh.

It's a black and white striped terror ahead on the trail.

A skunk.

8:15 AM. Staying perfectly still. Don't set him off, don't set him off.

Hey, skunk, listen... you don't want to spray me, and I don't want to get sprayed. Can we agree on that?

8:16 AM. The skunk stares at me as if considering his options.... and then wanders off into the brush. 

Deep breath of relief. That could have gone much worse.

8:31 AM. Back home. Barking to let the human know I'm here. She opens the back door.

Human! You're lucky! You might have been putting me through the tomato juice bath of doom right now.

10:35 AM. Scarfing a cookie from the human while she has coffee.

12:10 PM. Using my mooching technique to convince the human to let me have a ham and cheese sandwich.

1:34 PM. Barking at the mailman as he drops some stuff off at the mailbox and drives away.

The human tells me he's just doing his job.

But human! He's evil!

3:24 PM. The human is having afternoon tea. I am convincing her that it is necessary to provide me with a cookie.

6:30 PM. Dinner with the human. She's given me a plate of macaroni and meat.

This is good!

8:41 PM. Pondering the great mysteries of existence. What if the mailman has a dog at home? And the dog doesn't know he's a mailman? Or worse... doesn't care?

11:28 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human, sleep well.

I'll likely join you at two in the morning.

Sure, That Sounds Legitimate

And so it is. The damned fools can't take a hint. They can't stop doing what they do. No matter how many times they get no replies, no matter how many times they are ridiculed. They continue to carry on with their infernal purpose. They send us these ridiculous emails promising riches and investments and all sorts of wonderful stuff. They post spam comments that have nothing to do with the subject at hand and only prove they weren't paying attention in the first place. I speak, of course, of the cursed lot we know as homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus, the internet scammer and spammer. This came through my email recently.

Hello Friend,

My name is Simon Peters, a lawyer and solicitor by profession here in Lome,Togo.

I am writing to you on behalf of my client, a nationality of your country who lived here in Lome, Republic of Togo in West-Africa  when he was alive.

My client died some years back, he left the sum of Us$ 8.5 Million in one of the banks here in Togo, West-Africa, unfortunately he did not leave any WILL nor address of any of his relatives, and the WILL have an open beneficiary.

I would like to present you as his relative, so you can inherit the money he left behind.

Reply me if you are interested in the inheritance money.

Thanks and best regards.

Barr. Simon Peters
Lome, Republic of Togo.

So this has a lot in common with a scam email I've ridiculed recently- in particular, the location, Lome, Republic of Togo. I wonder if the same person has a handful of variants that he sends out under a number of names. Regardless, he bears all the hallmarks of the standard scammer. The overly formal writing, the grammatical mistakes, like capitalizing words that don't need it, and missing out on the fact that it's US when referring to that figure of money (which is totally fictional), not Us. He proposes a scheme in which he passes me off as the heir to his non-existent dead client of his non-existent law practice, so that I can inherit his money. All 8.5 million of it.

Sure, buddy. Right. That's believable. What could possibly go wrong if I were to email this nitwit and say I'm in?

Not much.

Just everything. 

Yeah, I'd be losing the several thousand dollars of administrative fees that this guy would bring up by the second conversation, and he would disappear into the night, like the scumbag he is. Because he's a scammer, sending this to hundreds of thousands of other people in the vain hope that someone will believe it.

Nice try, numbskull. 

I get it, this is who you are, and you're not going to change, and that's fine. I get that. You're stuck in this rut of scamming people for whatever you can get. But I know better, so move along.

Because sooner or later we're going to have to escalate this and send one of these guys after you. To teach you some manners. Or tear you in half, whatever works for them.

The African Lawyer Scam Gambit

They are the bane of my existence. And yours. They never stop, no matter how many times they've been ridiculed, no matter how many times they are not replied to. They can't find an honest way to make a living. They infest our spam email, and infest our comments with spam. And it never ends. I speak, of course, of that foul subspecies of humanity we call homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus, the internet scammer and spammer. Such is the case with the following, which came through to my email recently.

Hello Friend,

I am Mr. Eric Kabanda, Lawyer by Profession, however this correspondent is private. I am a financial consultant to an investor from a Mineral-Rich Africa Country with a political background who wants to invest outside his Country.

As stated above, my client had approached me with a mandate to seek for a firm or reputable well-established individual that has the experience in investment management that can help him channel some funds into a profitable investment outside Africa, where he can get good yield for his money.

Due to the sensitive position he holds in his Country and the unstable
investment environment. My client has decided not to retain any of his assets in his country. Kindly let me know your acceptance of this offer and furnish me with a comprehensive draft of your terms and conditions.

Yours Sincerely
Eric Kabanda

Oh, sure, right. That's believable. About as believable as any other scam email I receive. We see the standard over formal tone, the capitalization of words that don't need it, and the third world setting involving an official who wants to move some money abroad and needs help.

Uh huh.

All that's missing is the usual money amount that's meant to entice the gullible.

You want my terms and conditions, friend? Okay, here they are.

Terms are as follows: eat dirt. Conditions: die.

Does that clear it up for you? Or was that too blunt for you to deal with? Because in some ways, I can be fairly blunt, especially in dealing with people I really don't like. 

And I really don't like internet scammers or spammers. 

Where's a well aimed lightning bolt when you need one?

The Fast, Furious, And Frustrating

 

Latest Script For Overblown Franchise Leaks; Fans Horrified

Los Angeles (AP) Be careful what you wish for. It's an old expression, and a hard lesson learned. Director Louis Leterrier has been busy prepping the eleventh film in the Fast & The Furious franchise (twelfth, if you include the spin off Hobbs and Shaw). Series star Vin Diesel has been vocal about one condition for the next film being that "Brian has to return." This, despite the fact that Paul Walker, who played the character, died during the production of Furious 7, with his role completed with the cooperation of his brothers Cody and Caleb for that film.

The studios have been tight lipped about how to approach that even while assembling the cast. Would the Walker brothers rise to the occasion and play their dead brother's character again, helped with some CGI? Would a dummy be used, a la Weekend At Bernies? Would Walker himself be resurrected from the grave in a voodoo ritual?

Now it appears to be too late to keep the secrets. A copy of the script has leaked online.

The film, slated to have a budget of 150 million dollars, will follow the ragtag team of racers (family, according to Diesel's Dom Toretto) who started out racing cars and ended up in globe trotting adventures with high stakes and no regard for gravity. The leaked script reveals that the film will be a short one, with all of the characters involved in a friendly stakes all out car race in Death Valley- a race that will end with all of them dying in a horrible crash.

And if that isn't bad enough, it gets worse. The entire group will find themselves coming to in hell, and standing there before them will be their old friend Brian O'Conner, former cop turned racer turned criminal turned retired criminal turned... whatever. The point is, all of them will be dead, stuck in hell. And despite the history of the franchise in getting characters out of bad places implausibly, this will be the end of the line. Once they all see Brian, the screen will fade to black, and the franchise will end.

"Look, truth is, we're all tired of this," Michelle Rodriguez said. "We're tired of the franchise, of the nonsense, of the lack of attention to physics... we're just tired. So it's time to move on and do something else. And yes, maybe that script might have gotten leaked by one of us. Or all of us. Or maybe none of us. The point is, this whole thing should have been called to an end seven movies ago."

Jason Statham, playing Deckard Shaw, agrees by concession. "And I didn't get into this until the second half. How long do you keep this up? You can't. So giving it the finality of all of us in hell... well, that's something I can live with."

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was in agreement. "There's only so many times you can go flying two hundred feet from one car to another onscreen before your audience starts with the 'yeah, I'm not buying that' logic. And I say that as a guy who used to be a wrestler. Or maybe still am. What day is this?"

The studio is running damage control. "That's not the script!" spokesperson Callie Drake promised. "And the cast are just playing a prank, pretending that they're tired of the franchise! Everyone loves working on Fast & Furious! Look, we'll get to the bottom of whoever released that completely fake script, because it's fake. Fast & Furious is going to go on forever!"

The last word belongs to the franchise lead. Vin Diesel had this to say. "It's about family. And fast cars, and big stunts, and oh my god how did they do that moments. And family. Did I mention family? And everyone loves family. And that's what we are. And that's what we do. So of course we're gonna keep comin' back. And back some more. And back again after that. Because there's no way this franchise will ever run out of gas. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta see someone about a voodoo resurrection spell."

Cheating Cheaters And Coldplay

 

Fallout Continues From Affair Exposed During Coldplay Concert; Man Refuses To Accept Responsibility

Boston (AP) Weeks after a Coldplay concert launched a thousand memes, the aftermath continues to resonate. Former Astronomer CEO Andy Byron and his HR side piece Kristin Cabot were caught cuddling on a jumbotron at a concert by the band in Boston, despite both being in other relationships. Both have lost their jobs, their relationships, and their dignity. 

It started with the pair reacting badly to realizing that they were on a jumbotron having an intimate interlude, and reacting by trying to hide. This was followed by Chris Martin, the band's lead singer, joking that they must be having an affair.

Their spouses have declared war, hired lawyers, and in short order have taken steps to end the marriages. Byron was swiftly removed from his position, with Cabot following shortly after, both humiliated by the storm of memes that followed. And there were many, inspired by their ludicrous reactions to being caught on screen. Many have said that if they hadn't reacted the way they did, no one would be wiser to it.

Byron has been criticized for public statements that appear to show him being out of touch and refusing to take responsibility for his own failings. He has lashed out at the band for putting him in that situation, and has mused about suing them for distress. Lawyers have said a collective "good luck" to that.

As noted, memes have been launched, with the world finding the entire matter amusing. Re-enactments on jumbotron screens with unlikely pairings and exaggerated overplay of their behaviour have been the rule of the day. Coldplay themselves welcome the attention being sent their way. Now even Hollywood is getting in on the action. A project was announced this week through the Hallmark Channel. Alison Bennett, part of the creative team for the network, released this statement on the company website. "We are entering production for a new film inspired by the moment. Our heroine is a wronged wife who takes her ex-husband to the cleaners and wipes him out financially after he and his mistress are caught in their affair during a concert. She decides to go back to her home town, where she meets the local sheriff, who's a gruff charmer, and she spends the rest of the film falling in love with him, saving her dad's bakery, and learning the value of a more quiet life."

Isn't that the plot of every Hallmark movie? And with pretty much the same rotating list of actors?

And the bigger studios are getting in on the action too. Michael Bay, the director of such explosion prone films like Armageddon and Pearl Harbor, is rushing into production a thriller inspired by the story. "It's kind of based on the whole story, but really takes things in its own direction," Bay said in a Zoom meeting with reporters. "My villain is a disgraced former CEO of a tech company who got caught cheating on his wife with someone in his company, and who loses everything. His job, his home, his money, his reputation, everything. And he decides to take it out on the band who he blames for it, and goes after Aerosmith at a concert, with bombs. And only one smart aleck bomb disposal expert with the New York Police Department can save the day. Sounds great, huh?"

There's even another version being brought forward by the studios. Paramount has greenlit a romantic comedy, switching out names of the key players and having a bit more dramatic license than the real events. Richard Gere has already signed up as the disgraced CEO, with Julianne Moore as his lover and HR specialist. Julia Roberts will be cast as the wronged wife, who enlists the aid of a laid back lawyer to even the score and take her ex to the cleaners. He'll be played by George Clooney, winking at the camera and wooing his client while representing her. The film already has a working title: Coldplayed. 

The choice of director for the film is an unusual one, as he's mostly been known for character dramas, and more recently for insightful documentaries. Werner Herzog, director of Grizzly Man and Cave Of Forgotten Dreams, agreed to the film without reservation. "I've never done a comedy, and to be honest, when I first heard this story, I fell about laughing. So why not poke the bear and go ahead and do it?"

Time will tell about all three projects. In the meantime, humiliation remains the order of the day for the unlucky couple, who aren't saying much of anything. They're too busy doing damage control- and in the case of Byron, doing it badly.