Governor Christie Has Lost His Soul Again

Another mix of images for you today. Enjoy!

Last Stand Of The Drunken Stupor

I have on numerous previous occasions written from the point of view of Jabba The Ford- aka Mayor Von Drunkenstein, aka Rob Ford, the wife beating crack smoking racist bastard ex-mayor of Toronto. With his recent death, I had considered leaving the matter entirely- aside from a Facebook post bidding him good riddance. The circus that his funeral ended up becoming changed my mind. I won't say this is the end of writing about the thug- considering that his idiot brother is capitalizing on his death for his own political ends. Ghost Drunken Stupor, anyone?

Blithering Idiots Demand Their Idol Be Canonized As A Saint; Brother Takes Advantage

Toronto (CP). The recent death of former Toronto mayor Rob Ford, known internationally as the crack smoking drunken stupor clown, has left a city divided between those who have a grasp of reality and the remaining members of what has been called Ford Nation, a gang of drunken dolts making excuses for a despicable man.

Ford died of cancer after a diagnosis that saw him withdraw from the mayoral campaign during the last city election in 2014. After a tumultuous four years as mayor, in which Ford repeatedly embarrassed himself and the city, ran around with violent criminals, abused staff, behaved like a petulant child throwing tantrums, dodged criminal charges, lied repeatedly, barely showed up at work, antagonized opponents and members of the public, smoked crack, proved himself to be an addict of more than one substance, denied multiple incidents until cornered with the truth, and showed himself utterly unfit for office, Ford stepped aside during the campaign, running instead for his old ward seat as a councillor, which he handily won. His brother Doug, often seen as his chief enabler, and a city councillor himself, stepped into the mayoral race at the last minute and lost to John Tory, who has since proven himself to be a reasonable human being, instead of yet another Ford constant embarrassment.

Ford Nation, ever since that election campaign, has been unrepentant in their support of the crack smoking wife beating moron. They continued to call him Mayor, they cluttered up social media with their undying devotion to the Fords, and they have refused to learn their lessons in just what sort of person is fit for office. With his death, they have become even more obnoxious in their devotion.

The Fords come from money, with their father having had taken part in establishing a label company- before cutting out the partner who’d done the lion’s share of the establishing. Rob and Doug Ford presented themselves, despite their wealth, as friends of the “little guy”, conveniently ignoring their bullying ways, their common stupidity, their racism, and mutual stupidity. It has been said that which one of them was the dumber one depended on which of the two brothers were speaking at any given time. Nonetheless, the common opinion among those who are rational is that Rob and Doug Ford were literally the dumbest human beings on the planet. “Honestly,” said Professor Alex McIntyre, a noted marine biologist working at the University of British Columbia. “These two guys could get outwitted by a sponge. And sponges have no brains.”

Ford died at the age of 46 (while looking twenty or so years older), leaving behind a wife, children, and a demented mother and siblings who believe their family is a political dynasty, the proverbial Canadian Kennedys. When Caroline Kennedy first heard the remark courtesy of a reporter, she sighed and remarked, “Oh, please. My grandfather might have made his fortune as a bootlegger, but at least he had standards.”

The tumour that finally finished Ford off was relieved, issuing a statement to the press courtesy of  Tumour To English translation software. “I can’t tell you just how happy I am to be out of there,” the tumour told reporters. “Imagine spending months stuck in the body of a slob, hearing his every foolish word, unable to escape from someone who’s spent decades infusing his body with booze, crack, and who knows how many other substances? Anyway, now that I’m free and clear, I’m planning on writing a memoir about the experience.”

Ford Nation has been in agony since the death of their beloved idol, lamenting their loss, calling him the greatest mayor ever, suggesting that he should have been Prime Minister. Anyone with common sense would have seen that as a disaster. Doug Ford, for his part, has taken full advantage of the death of his brother, wrangling a public funeral for his brother, complete with his coffin lying in repose in Toronto’s City Hall, with a police guard around the coffin. That included two days of public viewings, Doug Ford shamelessly posing for selfies with demented Ford Nationites, and a public funeral service at St. James Anglican Cathedral- despite the fact that Rob Ford hadn’t been in a church in years. Political figures showed up- some gritting their teeth and telling themselves that doing so was the classy thing to do. Ford was repeatedly eulogized in a service that amounted to Doug Ford launching his next inevitable campaign, perhaps for mayor, perhaps for a higher office at the provincial or federal level, though it is fair to say that no political party wants a Ford anywhere near them anymore.

Many members of Ford Nation were watching, or at the streets watching the hearse go by. Some tearfully claimed the man they believed in was up in heaven. Some demanded he be canonized as St. Rob Ford. Others continued to chant their devotion to Ford. And still others were starting to spread the rumour around that Ford faked his death and is now living a life under a new identity, smoking crack to his heart’s content. “He’ll be back someday,” Glen Keating told reporters, wearing his Ford Nation T-shirt with pride among the crowd. “Just when we need him. Like King Archie. Is that the right name for that Round Table guy? Who the **** cares? Anyway, Rob Ford, baby... the man’s bigger than Jesus! And he’s going to rise from the dead, trust me on that.”

A staff member at St. James Cathedral, speaking anonymously, confirmed that the church needed a strict Anglican fumigation after the service. “I know it’s awful to say in the wake of a death, but death does not make a terrible person any less terrible. We shouldn’t have agreed to host the funeral... it’s not as if he ever attended church. We had to sprinkle holy water everywhere to make the church feel like it was clean again.”

Doug Ford made a statement to the media a couple of days after the funeral. “First off, I’d like to thank all those millions of people across the city and around the world who have supported us and shown how much they love the Fords. They’ve proven their unquestioning loyalty to the dream that is the Ford Dynasty.” He smiled in that demented, out of touch with reality sneer typical of a Ford before continuing. “Which is why I’m promising that the Ford dream will never die. Rob’s gone to that great heavenly place in the sky, and I’m carrying on. It starts with the next mayoral election... Ford Nation 2018! I’m going to win in the biggest election landslide of all time. And then we’re going to take it to the next level, and the next level, and I’m going to be the Prime Minister. Then the King of Canada, and then the Emperor of the World! I’m talking Ford Planet, people! We’re gonna make everyone who ever showed us any bit of disrespect build gigantic statues of Rob and me, and we’re gonna horsewhip ‘em if they give us any lip. Any repeated disrespect will result in people bein’ shot on sight!”

“Are you aware of what you just said?” one reporter asked.

Doug Ford looked confused- a common thing among the Ford siblings; one wonders how many working brain cells they ever had between them. One might also wonder about Doug’s personal addictions, if any. It would explain a great deal. “Said what?” he asked, and walked away.

Many of Ford Nation’s drooling twits earnestly believe their idol is in heaven. Press members attended a different meet and greet, a rather enigmatic one, and as it turned out, the conference was called by the Prince of Darkness. The Devil turned up in Toronto and met reporters at the Rogers Centre, looking like a younger Al Pacino circa the era of The Devil’s Advocate, several days after the funeral. “Thank you for coming. I have a brief statement. There have been those members of the so called Ford Nation- incidentally, have any of you noticed how stupid they are? Because we’re talking catastrophic stupidity. I wonder if their parents were related, or if they were dropped on their heads a lot as babies, or if they took one too many baseballs to the head. Those members of the Ford Nation say that Rob Ford is in heaven having a good time.”

Satan smiled in a way that chilled the bones. “Well, I can categorically say with authority- what with being the overlord of Hell- that Rob Ford is not in heaven. He’s down in Hell as we speak, griping about how there’s no crack, booze, or hookers. Well, what did he expect? One of the nice things about Hell is that we deprive you of everything you ever loved. Which is why he gets no crack, booze, or hookers to keep him entertained. Needless to say, he’s not happy. Particularly when he was told that he’s there forever. When last I saw him, he was throwing a temper tantrum, screaming that he wanted out. Sorry, Ford Nation, but your guy is not in a place with fluffy clouds and harps and a rainbow bridge and eternal peace. But if it makes you feel any better, there’s plenty of room for you all to join him someday.”

The Devil vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving behind the scent of brimstone. When confronted by the video, Glen Keating shrugged. “C’mon, the Devil’s a liar. We all know Robbie’s bigger than Jesus, right? Of course I’m right. Ford Nation forever, baby!”

As Keating walked away, reporters sighed to themselves, confirming their belief that Ford Nation is populated by some of the dumbest people on the planet. Not that Ford Nation will ever see it that way.

Just How Stupid Can Stupid Be?

To rephrase a quote from Jane Austen, it is a truth universally acknowledged that stupidity has no bounds and tends to breed. Apologies to Jane for reworking some of her exquisite writing, but hey, in this case, it does apply.

An incident made the papers some days ago of one example of sheer stupidity. Of the explosion, gunfire, and carnage variety. It’s the sort of thing that would make for a Darwin Award- though that usually requires the idiot in question to have met a bad end in a very stupid way. This moron, on the other hand, managed to survive, though not exactly all of him.

The story involves a fellow in Georgia (Fellow? Why am I calling him that? Hillbilly is more appropriate). It seems our boy has a thing for shooting things, particularly if those things go boom.

As it turns out, the local ordinances in the area allow for gun happy morons to buy a certain explosive, something called tannerite, used for target practice. One wonders precisely why it’s legal- morons handling any kind of explosive is, frankly, a horrible idea. Tannerite, when applied to certain surfaces and fired upon, emits smoke, perhaps giving sheer joy to single digit IQ halfwits who love getting their guns off, so to speak. There are strict warnings about tannerite, namely not placing it in, under, or near metal objects. The makers also warn about limits of how much of this you use, and to stand no nearer to the target than 100 yards.

The halfwit in question, who shall go unnamed, but was old enough to know better (assuming his parents weren’t breeding too close to the gene pool, because if they were, it would explain the stupidity) decided he wanted to stuff the explosives- a good deal more than recommended, three pounds of it- into an old lawn tractor and have a wee bit of target practice. And capture it all on video, thanks to one of his buddies along for the occasion. The halfwit must have been having dreams of a viral video and proving his manhood. At least he got the viral video, but not for the reasons he would have wanted. You can have a look at it here if you like.

The knuckle dragging Neanderthal (and that’s an insult to Neanderthals, who in the last few years have had their reputations rehabilitated, and clearly would have known better than to do something this dumb) is seen firing on the lawn tractor, off in the distance with the big bad semi automatic rifle that makes up, perhaps, for certain short comings. In my experience, gun nuts like this are desperately trying to compensate for things like insecurities, low intelligence levels, and not to forget, scrawny genitals.

He moves forward, the camera behind him, continuing to fire, fire, and fire some more. In fact, he moves to about twenty five yards out from the tractor. Or, as the company that made the explosives warned, seventy five yards closer than he should. And then things go entirely wrong and he’s having a clearly bad day when the lawn tractor explodes. The camera goes haywire, the man screams, “I’ve blown my leg off!”  And his buddy yells for an ambulance. Fade to black.

As it turns out, by some stroke of misfortune, the only bit of shrapnel that flew out that far from the explosion just happened to slice right through one of his legs. Bad luck, old boy, but hey, when you start blasting away at explosives with your patented over compensation gun, there might well be one of those big words that drooling boneheads such as yourself need to look up in a dictionary: consequences. So of course he ended up in the hospital, lost a leg, and has thus gotten his viral video ensuring his utter and absolute stupidity for all time.

One presumes he doesn’t have that much in the way of medical insurance- at least of the kind that provides for things like prosthetic legs. So, our drooling good ol’ boy “Hey, Earl, watch this” buffoon might find himself in a bit of a pickle. How does one improvise for a prosthetic leg? It depends on how much of the leg went bye bye. I’m picturing a toilet plunger with a badly carved wooden foot attached with duct tape and a couple of nails. I’m also picturing the dummy having his leg embalmed and put up on a wall at home as a memento.

 Just how stupid can stupid be? Unfortunately this world has no shortage of idiots- here in Canada we can see that in the drooling twits who have been mourning the late and utterly unlamented crack smoking Rob Ford. In the States, Donald Trump is gleefully manipulating a sea of them into believing he’s an ideal guy to sit in the Oval Office.

It’s also my experience that people this dumb tend to have whole litters of kids. Down in Georgia they might call their kids with double names. Jim Bob. Ella Mae. Bubba Joe. Bessie Sue. Jefferson Davis. Or perhaps to keep things simple, Jethro. Someone this dumb no doubt already has a few rugrats running around the house, so he’s already managed to pass on his own sheer stupidity (which came from his father, and his father’s father, and so on and so on for generations) to yet another generation.

If the halfwit was capable of learning his lessons (odds are he’s not capable of that), he’d no longer pick up guns and use explosives for target practice. But being an idiot of the first order, some day there’ll be another story on the news about a one legged hillbilly meeting a bad end when he does the same thing with a beat up pickup truck, and a nice slice of shrapnel decapitating him this time.

The Bat And The Boy Scout

“The Daily Planet criticizing those who think they’re above the law is a little hypocritical, wouldn’t  you say? Considering every time your hero saves a cat out of a tree, you write a puff piece editorial about an alien who, if he wanted to, could burn the whole place down. There wouldn’t be a damn thing we can do to stop it.” ~ Bruce Wayne 

“Most of the world doesn’t share your opinion, Mr. Wayne.” ~ Clark Kent 

“Maybe it’s that Gotham City and me... we just have a bad history with freaks dressed like clowns.” ~ Bruce Wayne

 “We know better now, don’t we? Devils don’t come from hell beneath us. No, they come from the sky.” ~ Lex Luthor

“Be their hero, Clark. Be their angel, be their monument, be anything they need you to be... or be none of it. You don’t owe this world a thing. You never did.” ~ Martha Wayne

“That’s how it starts. The fever, the rage, the feeling of powerlessness that turns good men... cruel.” ~ Alfred

“I’ll take you in without breaking you... which is more than you deserve.” ~ Superman

“I walked away from man a century ago, because of the horrors of man.” ~ Diana Prince

“Man is still good. We break things, tear them down, but we can rebuild. We can be better, we have to be.” ~ Bruce Wayne

After much hype and production time, the follow up to Man Of Steel has arrived in theatres. Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice pits two of the biggest members of DC’s Trinity against each other, while bringing in the third member as a wild card. The Dark Knight and the Man of Steel go head to head in a grudge match with a whole lot of destruction, a villain pulling the strings, and hints of the impending Justice League yet to come. Director Zack Snyder returns to helm this sprawling tale which deals with the issues of power and responsibility, while feeling like it’s trying to catch up to what Marvel Studios has done over the last few years.

Picking up months after the events of Man Of Steel, Superman (Henry Cavill) has become a source of controversy. Some see the Kryptonian as a threat, others see him as a hero. Given the mass casualties in Metropolis after his battle with Zod, that’s understandable. One of those viewing him as a threat is Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck), who has spent twenty years in Gotham City as the vigilante Batman. He blames the Man of Steel for the casualties and carnage, while his faithful butler Alfred (Jeremy Irons) sees things differently. As for Superman, in his civilian identity as reporter Clark Kent, he’s involved with Lois Lane (Amy Adams, reprising her role from the first film).

Tycoon Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) also sees the Man of Steel as a foe, and has been busy manipulating a senator (Holly Hunter) and making dark plans against Superman. Another player, Diana Prince (Gal Gadon) enters the mix with her own secrets, and Bruce’s investigations lead him into Luthor’s secrets. A terrible incident ensues, and the two heroes find themselves drawn into a confrontation with each other.

The screenplay is credited to two writers, Chris Terrio and David S. Goyer. The latter had a big hand in Man Of Steel and Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy. While the story’s an original one, there are big influences from the comics, specifically Frank Miller’s alternate future miniseries The Dark Knight Returns and the Death Of Superman story arc. This is also a fresh start for the Batman- this is clearly not the same character from Nolan’s film trilogy. The story effectively brings the Batman into an already established world where Superman’s been active- though the Dark Knight has been active for longer. While it reflects the events of Man Of Steel, it’s not so much a sequel as its own story, expanding the DC cinematic universe- and perhaps packing too much in all at once, what with Wonder Woman turning up, as well as appearances by those who will one day be part of the League. There’s not a lot of humour to the story, though- everything seems to feel a little too grim and dark. Perhaps that comes from having The Dark Knight Returns as inspirational material. Personally, while I get why that limited series was so acclaimed, I have a whole lot of issues with it- Frank Miller really needs intensive psychological therapy.

Snyder already has had experience with the superhero world after his experience with Man of Steel, so it’s suitable to have him helm this again. The visual style of the director is in keeping again with this film, which has a lot of emphasis on the epic feel of the story, but at the same time his style does at times make it all feel like two guys yelling at each other and then trying to kill each other. In terms of lighting, it’s darker, fitting the fact that Batman is present and accounted for. 

The design of things like the new Batmobile work well- while it takes inspiration from classic Batmobiles, there’s a lot of the tank sensibility to it that we might have expected from the Nolan trilogy. The design of an end of the film character, Doomsday, is interesting; the character looks like a gigantic orc having a bad face day. While Superman is still pretty much in the same outfit we’ve seen in the earlier film, the two big new arrivals have had new designs. Wonder Woman has a uniform that looks more like Greek armour than the star spangled costume of the comics. Batman’s costume hearkens to the comics, while a second look is much more armoured. While it’s obviously influenced by the character’s armour in The Dark Knight Returns, I was also reminded of an armour Batman wore in another limited series, Batman Vs Predator. 

The film also brings back Hans Zimmer, who composed the music for Man Of Steel and the Nolan Batman trilogy, to compose the score this time with a collaborator, Junkie XL, who has previously scored films such as 300: Rise Of An Empire, Deadpool, and Mad Max: Fury Road. The challenge for Zimmer was to not take any of his previous themes for the Dark Knight, and working with another composer this time out ends up working well in that regard. Their styles blend well together.

Some of the supporting characters are new to the DC Universe, while others have returned from Man Of Steel. Laurence Fishburne returns as Perry White, the editor in chief at the Planet, Lois and Clark’s boss, still as grouchy but principled as ever. Diane Lane reprises her role as Martha Kent, the wise mother of Clark (still looking older than the actress actually is), very much a source of personal strength for her son. Holly Hunter is a new presence as Senator Finch, playing the character with authority while being played at times by Luthor. Jeremy Irons makes an interesting casting choice as Alfred, Bruce’s faithful butler and voice of reason.

Jesse Eisenberg might be an unlikely choice for Lex Luthor- for one thing, the actor has hair, and is a good deal younger than you might expect for the character. He plays the role in a bit of an obnoxious and devious way, pulling strings and acting like a puppet master, playing a game to his own ends through the film. Luthor’s not at all a likeable person- which is required in a villain. The hint of the comics version is there though- the arrogant man who ultimately feels insecure in the presence of his enemy. He does seem to be playing the role a bit more over the top though.

Amy Adams returns as Lois, which is a good thing. She played the character in a spirited way in Man Of Steel, and in a way that showed her own resourcefulness. That continues here. I did like in the earlier film that Lois was presented as smart, figuring out things like who Superman really was on her own- it was a stark contrast to the comics version who always seemed oblivious to that fact. Adams brings an outspoken, bold quality to the character.

Gal Gadot is a newcomer to me; the actress has done a few movie roles in things I haven’t seen before, and was a model before that. Yet she comes into the role of Diana Prince, otherwise known as Wonder Woman, with a sense of authority. We don’t see a lot of her as the film goes along; she first appears undercover in civilian attire, and perhaps that’s for the best- the character’s unknown background actually makes her more interesting. When we see her as the hero she is, the actress brings the character’s strength and sense of resolve right into things. I’m looking forward to seeing what she does in an upcoming solo film.

Henry Cavill returns as Clark Kent/ Superman after Man Of Steel. The character has held onto his principles, struggling with his place in the world. While he works to save lives and help others, the question as to if he could ever become a threat is a real one. It’s a question that should be brought up more often- just what would be enough to push Superman into becoming a threat to the world at large? Clark has at least some domestic happiness this time out, the stability of love and someone to come home to. Clark is dogged as a reporter; Cavill plays the character’s two alter egos in ways that show a clear difference between the two (this was a huge problem with the series Lois & Clark, in which there was no sense of Clark being a different person than Superman, thanks for nothing, Dean Cain).

Ben Affleck was a controversial choice as Bruce Wayne/ Batman. He had played a hero before, in the film version of Daredevil, and he has had hits and misses as an actor before. But the story calls for the character not to be a younger Dark Knight just starting out, but a seasoned, veteran crime fighter with years of experience. Affleck plays the character as grim and humourless, a bit single minded in terms of his animosity toward the Man of Steel. He's bullheaded and relentless, embittered by years of urban warfare against crime. It’s a curious thing- Bruce refuses to listen to other opinions about the matter when perhaps he should. He plays Bruce as charming and a playboy, which should be the way it’s done, and Batman as ruthlessly determined and a bit paranoid. It’s not as good a performance in the role as Christian Bale’s take on the character, but that’s impossible to match. Still, Affleck works in the role, not feeling off in the way he plays the character.

The film’s a big punch up blockbuster (even if it’s been released long before the traditional blockbuster season). The grimness and excessive damage can be a bit overwhelming, and to be honest, the film seems to be trying to pack way too much in at once. It seems to be desperately trying to catch up with the Marvel cinematic universe, which shows in the way the story comes across. Rather than carefully go about establishing that universe, as Marvel Studios did, this film tries to go all out in trying to make a match. It’s perhaps a vain effort; the film does come across as lacking the heart of the Marvel films, as well as the sense of humour. Still, it does establish a wider DC cinematic universe, and sets the stage for things to come. DC has put a lot of hopes into their own film world; they just need to seriously invest in humanity, levity, and the odd punchline as they go ahead.