From History To Legend- March To Mortality

Some links before starting today. Norma had a photoblog from Hong Kong.Yesterday having had been a Friday, Parsnip had a Square Dog Friday post. And Eve is taking part in A-Z this April; you can find her posts at her blog.

Now then, here is the second of my two movie reviews for Civil War films....

“Afterwards men in tall hats and gold watch fobs will thump their chests and say what a brave charge it was. Devin, I’ve led a soldier’s life, and I’ve never seen anything as brutally clear as this.” ~ John Buford

“Win was like a brother to me, remember? Towards the end of the evening, things got a little rough. We both began to... well, there were a lot of tears. I went over to Hancock. I took him by the shoulder, I said, Win, so help me, if I ever raise my hand against you, may God strike me dead. Ain’t seen him since. He was at Malverne Hill, White Oak Swamp, Sharpsburg, Fredericksburg... One of these days I will see him, I’m afraid. Across that small, deadly space.”  ~ Lewis Armistead

“Generals can do anything. There’s nothing so much like God on earth as a general on a battlefield.” ~ Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain

“Soldiering has one great trap. To be a good soldier, you must love the army. To be a good commander you must be willing to order the death of the thing you love. We do not fear our own death, you and I. But there comes a time... we are never prepared for so many to die. Oh, we do expect the occasional empty chair, a salute to fallen comrades. But this war goes on and on and the price gets ever higher.” ~ Robert E. Lee

"Lovely ground." ~ John Reynolds

"I thought so, sir." ~ John Buford

"Now, let's go surprise Harry Heth." ~ John Reynolds

"Up, men! And to your posts! And let no man forget today that you are from old Virginia!" ~ George Pickett

“Well, if he’s an angel, all right then, but he damned well must be a killer angel.” ~ Buster Kilrain

“That’s Hancock out there. And he ain’t gonna run. So it’s mathematical after all. If they get to that road, or beyond it, we’ll suffer over fifty percent casualties. But Harrison... I don’t believe my boys will reach that wall.” ~ James Longstreet

“There are times when a corps commander’s life does not count.” ~ Winfield Scott Hancock

Michael Shaara’s classic novel The Killer Angels won the Pulitzer for fiction in 1975. It is my favourite novel, and tells the story of the three-day Battle of Gettysburg through the eyes of some of the commanders, both North and South. The novel was adapted by director and scriptwriter Ronald F. Maxwell and released in 1993 as the film Gettysburg, filmed on and around the battlefield itself, involving a cast of thousands, including many re-enactors who make a life’s hobby out of this sort of thing. The film follows the novel closely, giving us the point of view of commanders on both sides in a balanced way while conveying the ferocity of the greatest battle ever fought in North America.

The film begins with a voiceover, showing the movements of the Union and Confederate armies in late June 1863, as the Army of Northern Virginia under Robert E. Lee (Martin Sheen) moves north into Maryland and Pennsylvania, pursued by the Army of the Potomac, moving more quickly than expected. The Confederate army have been used to victory time and again, while the Union army has suffered losses and the incompetence of commanding generals. This time, however, things are different- the Southern cavalry commander, Jeb Stuart (Joseph Fuqua) is missing, off on one of his grand rides up north with his cavalry, leaving the infantry blind in enemy country. This worries Lee’s senior commander, James Longstreet (Tom Berenger), who has employed the use of a civilian scout to determine the movements of the enemy.

The Union army, meanwhile, is moving quickly; command has been given over to a new commander, George Meade (Richard Anderson). The cavalry commander in the field is a brigadier general by the name of John Buford (Sam Elliott), who brings his troops into Gettysburg the day before the battle. He’s been scouting the movements of the Confederate army, and has learned they’re turning south, perhaps to threaten Washington. Buford understands the value of the ground south of the small town, the best high ground around, and makes the fateful decision to stand his ground, summoning the infantry to come up quickly and take control of the high ground before the rebels can take it. Two senior corps commanders, John Reynolds (John Rothman) and Winfield Scott Hancock (Brian Mallon) know him well enough to take him seriously, and promise to have the army up in the morning.

Coming with that army of Union troops is an unlikely officer, a colonel with his own regiment from Maine. Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain (Jeff Daniels) is a professor who’s joined the war effort, a scholar and a man of principle who happens to be very good at the life of a soldier, an effective commander. His brother Tom (C. Thomas Howell) is a junior officer in the regiment, and tends to call Chamberlain by his first name. One of the senior enlisted men, Buster Kilrain (Kevin Conway) is a wise, gruff Irishman who’s been in the army most of his adult life, something of a father figure to the scholarly colonel. Their regiment is brought up along with the rest of the army, where they will meet destiny on the second day of the battle.

There had been efforts for years to adapt the book for the screen, either television or movies, but it was Maxwell who brought the film to the big screen. He received the backing of Ted Turner, who has a cameo as a Confederate officer during the climactic and ill fated Pickett’s Charge. Turner loved the novel too, and wanted to see it made. The National Parks Service allowed filming and battle re-enactment to be done on the battlefield itself, which gives the film a higher authenticity, particularly since places like Devil’s Den and Little Round Top had never seen this done. It is a long film- over four hours- but the material demanded that length. And the use of re-enactors, who know the story so well, allowed for a smoother filming process. Maxwell wrote the script, which closely adapts the novel, and which in turn paid heed to the history of the battle. Shaara noted at the time that while inner thoughts and some dialogue were his own interpretation, his foundation was on fact, and certainly his interpretation of the people on the page, and how they came to life on screen certainly rings true to who they were.

Maxwell’s direction throughout is sterling. He captures the ferocity of that war perfectly through the battle sequences, particularly the desperate fighting on Little Round Top on the second day, when the entire Union left flank is in danger, but also the cataclysm of the third day’s Pickett’s Charge. We feel the movement of vast forces of soldiers on the battlefield in how Maxwell’s camera team works, but then quickly find ourselves among regiments and get the close-up view in the midst of battle. The story gives balance to both sides- enough time is given to both perspectives, even though we know in our day that one side is wrong. It doesn’t romanticize the Old South in the infuriating way that Gone With The Wind did. And Maxwell even preserves a bit of Shaara’s humour in the story, mostly at the expense of one of Longstreet’s division commanders, George Pickett (Stephen Lang), a not that terribly bright but quite affable officer whose name will forever after be attached to the turning point of the Civil War. His three brigade commanders like to poke fun at his not so stellar academic record or his dim view of science.

Filming on place allowed for great authenticity, and that is much the same for the costuming and prop people. Many of the re-enactors would of course bring their own uniforms and gear for the project, but for those members of the cast who were featured players, their uniforms look very much of the era. This applies to makeup as well- most of the men (with a couple of minor cameos, this is an all male cast) have facial hair, some enough to house bird nests, but fitting for the time, and authentic to the men they are portraying. The music comes from Randy Edelman, and remains one of my favourite scores, emphasizing character moments at quiet interludes in the film, but also ferocious, desperate, and grand when accompanying the fury of battle.

The cast is huge. Many of the roles are cameos; documentary director Ken Burns, for instance, plays a Union staff officer during the cannonade on Cemetery Ridge preceding Pickett’s Charge. George Lazenby, a one-time James Bond, turns up as a Confederate division commander, Johnston Pettigrew, one of the other division commanders involved in Pickett’s Charge. Morgan Sheppard, an ancient looking actor with a huge resume of character roles (you’ve seen this actor in at least something), plays the third division commander of that charge. He’s a gruff staff officer when we first meet him, disgusted by the ineffectiveness of another corps commander, and placed into a vital position by Lee, who needs to fill a hole. Anderson’s appearance as General Meade is a brief one- he only appears once in the film as the commanding general, but that fits the story and the history, since Meade wasn’t that much of a factor in the battle. Donal Logue has more than a cameo, appearing frequently through the first half of the film- though he’s unrecognizable under facial hair- as Major Ellis Spear, Chamberlain’s capable and serious senior subordinate. John Rothman appears briefly as the ill fated General John Reynolds, playing the role as the man must have been: a superb commander, completely calm in the face of battle.

C. Thomas Howell plays the younger Chamberlain with a certain naive quality that works. Tom is the brother who always looked up to his older brother, joined the military because that’s what his brother was doing, and seems oblivious at times to military protocol, particularly his tendency to forget to address his brother by rank. He’s been in the army for awhile, has seen a lot, and yet that boyish naivety is still there. Kevin Conway, a character actor who’s been in multiple roles in the movies and television for years, gets one of the best parts as Kilrain. He’s a career soldier, the sort of senior enlisted man who make up the backbone of military services. And he’s gruff and disgusted by the foolishness of high command, something one might expect out of such a soldier. Yet he also does his duty, and is surprisingly thoughtful and wise. A conversation along the way with Chamberlain shows the father-son relationship between the two, and Kilrain’s principles as a person. He believes that only a fool judges people by the group or race- that you take people one at a time. It’s such a good role, and Conway makes it so memorable.

Brian Mallon gets the most screen time of the senior corps commanders in the Union Army as General Hancock. The real man was one of the finest officers in the army, a tough, tenacious, exceptional officer, and Mallon plays those qualities in his performance. Hancock is a commander who’s a natural leader, an inspiration to those around him, and calm under pressure. Mallon conveys that, but also shows the other side of the man, the humanity of Hancock, and a melancholy over an old friend who’s fighting on the Confederate side.

That friend, as it turns out, is Lewis Armistead (Richard Jordan), a brigade commander under Pickett, who, as fate would have it, is facing Hancock’s lines on the third day of battle. Both men become aware of each other being across the empty space between the lines, and both aware this means these two best friends will be fighting each other. It’s a twist that weighs heavily on them both, and we see that particularly in Jordan’s performance. It is the most poignant role in the film- we like Armistead tremendously; there’s a great warmth in the character. He has a sense of humour, but there’s also tragedy to him; he expresses that to his old friend Longstreet, particularly in a explaining about a vow he made the last time he saw Hancock. And now fate has brought him to fight Hancock head on. The performance is made all the more poignant by the fact that this was Jordan’s final performance; he died soon after filming was wrapped, and the film is dedicated to the memory of Jordan and Shaara.

Stephen Lang has spent years playing various character roles, often villains, but this is my favourite role by the actor. He plays Pickett just as you’d expect the real man to be. Pickett’s not a bright guy- he finished dead last in his class at West Point- but he’s capable and reliable, able to follow through on orders. He also seems to be good company, cheerfully taking jokes at his own expense, even instigating some of them, a boyish sort of fellow engaged to a woman half his age. Pickett is a jovial officer- and so the ill-fated charge that bears his name leaves him utterly shattered. When we last see him, he’s a broken man, and Lang conveys all of those qualities in his performance.

This is one of my favourite roles for Sam Elliott. John Buford was fated to die later in 1863, and for many years was a forgotten figure in the Civil War. It was perhaps the benefit of Shaara’s novel that started to give him serious attention and credit again. A bright man with a gift for topography and the best use of the land for military purposes, it was Buford’s decision to fight at Gettysburg and his stubborn fight on the first day that allowed the Union infantry to come up and occupy the high ground. In doing so, Buford saved the battle and perhaps the war. Elliott conveys the tenacious nature of the man, his frustrations at commanders, and his tough, capable, and steady character. Buford is a man who can see what’s to come; his prediction of the battle to one of his brigade commanders is chillingly accurate, at least for the losing side.

Martin Sheen is given the role of General Lee, and he plays the role well. Looking at history, one is struck with the dignity of Lee, his intelligence, and his skill as an officer. These are qualities that Sheen brings across throughout the film. He’s still a torn man; he remembers that he once took a vow as an officer in the Union army, and that he served with many of the men fighting against him. And yet he believes his duty first and foremost is to his home state. He’s also an officer with great empathy for his men; he says that a good commander must love the army, but also be willing to order the death of that which he loves. It’s a great contradiction, but it fits in perfectly with the character of the man. Another element that resonates is his anger- it’s a quality Lee tries to keep harnessed, but it shows itself in a late night meeting with Stuart, whose absence until the battle has started has leaved the general deeply disappointed. The anger he expresses to Stuart is effective in the moment- a mark of a man who could be very dangerous when riled. Sheen takes all of these into account with his performance, and it rates as one of his finest roles.

Tom Berenger also inhabits the role of Longstreet just as you’d expect the man to be. Longstreet was a military genius, devising systems of trench warfare decades before its time. He was a methodical, defensive commander of great skill, an effective general who’d advanced to his position based on his own talent. He was also a man of gloom and frustration, with a tragic past, suffering multiple personal losses during the War. Berenger plays Longstreet with gravity and force, a man of strength. He knows what’s coming- he tries to argue with Lee about moving the army away from the field and threatening Washington directly- but to no avail. And Berenger’s Longstreet feels the loss of what happens, the responsibility for it all, very heavily.

Jeff Daniels gives his best performance as Chamberlain. The fighting professor from Maine was the sort of person who could master any subject before him, and he certainly excelled at military life, ending up as one of the most extraordinary soldiers of the war. He’s a man of scholarly knowledge and deeply held principles, a man who believes in the cause he is fighting for. Daniels brings those qualities to the role, and also comes across as a highly capable leader, trusted by his men, someone whose ability to speak can be persuasive. He also shows the ingenuity and resourcefulness of Chamberlain, whose last minute use of a textbook tactic saves the second day and the Union army on Little Round Top.

Gettysburg is one of my favourite films, if not my favourite. The tale of the pivotal battle of a terrible war captures the immediacy of battle, the desperate odds on both sides, and the ferocious nature of that war. It also gives the viewer outstanding performances all around, bringing figures from the past back to life in rich and deep ways. It is, quite simply, a magnificent achievement in film.

Glory Hallelujah: Courage, Spirit, And Honor

Some links before getting started today, and I've been remiss in doing this. Norma had seven revelations and a where are they now post on one of her books. Parsnip had Easter Scotties and views from home.Cheryl had a crime blotter post. And Krisztina had carrot cake.

Now then, today, April 9th, marks the 150th anniversary of Lee's surrender to Grant at Appomattox during the American Civil War, the end of major fighting in the Eastern Theatre of that conflict. I thought I would mark the occasion with two movie reviews of Civil War films that really appeal to me. This is the first of the two.

“Why do you treat the men this way, Robert?” ~ Cabot Forbes 

“How should I treat them?” Robert G. Shaw 

“....Like men?” ~ Cabot Forbes

“And what are you? So full of hate you want to go out and fight everybody! Because you’ve been whipped and chased by hounds. Well that might not be living, but it sure as hell ain’t dying. And dying’s what these white boys have been doing going on for three years now. Dying by the thousands. Dying for you, fool. I know, ‘cause I dug the graves. And all this time I keep asking, when, O Lord, is it gonna be our time? Gonna come a time when we have to ante up. Ante up and kick in like men. Like men!” ~ Rawlins

“See, the way I figure, I figure this war would be over a whole lot sooner if you boys just turned right on around and headed on back down that way, and you let us head on up there where the real fighting is.” ~ Trip

“There’s more to fighting than rest, sir. There’s character. There’s strength of heart. You should have seen us in action two days ago. We were a sight to see. We’ll be ready, sir. When do you want us?” ~ Robert G. Shaw

Glory has been called by some the best war movie ever made, and it is a fair comment. Director Edward Zwick (Legends Of The Fall, Courage Under Fire) brought the Civil War tale of African-American soldiers in the 54^th Massachusetts Regiment confronting racism, distrust, and the culture of the time as their commanders strove to give them the chance to get into the fight. It not only tells the story of the regiment, whose extraordinary bravery allowed for far more African-American men to enlist, but the experience of such men throughout that terrible war.

The film opens on the fields of Antietam, one of the bloodiest battles of the war, where we meet a young officer, Robert Gould Shaw (Matthew Broderick), wounded but having had survived the battle. He meets a gravedigger named Rawlins (Morgan Freeman) and returns home to recover in Massachusetts with his parents, prominent abolitionists. There he is offered command of a new regiment to be made up of freemen and escaped slaves. He accepts the command, asking his friend Cabot Forbes (Cary Elwes) to serve as his right hand man, and getting his first enlisted man, a born free well educated friend named Thomas Searles (Andre Braugher) signing up.

The regiment organizes for training. Most of the enlisted men are escaped slaves, with little education but much will to get into the fight. Rawlins is one of them. Another is a man named Trip (Denzel Washington), a bitterly angry man aching to take the fight to the people who held him and his family as slaves. As training gets underway and the men start to come together as a regiment, they find themselves dealing with life in the military, being treated unfairly or neglected because of officers elsewhere along the line, and their own expectations of what is to come. Shaw and his officers must handle their grievances, balancing the needs of the men and realistic expectations of how they’ll be used. As time goes on, the regiment finds themselves finally drawn into battle in the deep South, at a place where they will meet history.

The screenplay comes from Kevin Jarre, based on the letters by Shaw to his family and friends back home, as well as two books on the 54^th. It does make use of composite characters- Trip, Rawlins, Forbes, and Searles are all composites, as opposed to historical figures, but these are based in the sort of men who made up these regiments, both enlisted and officers. The story in the film relates to the overall experience of black soldiers in that war just as much as it tells the tale of the regiment- the obstacles they faced, the prejudices, the reasons these men went to war. Jarre wove that all into the screenplay; while the point of view character might be Shaw the historical figure, his story is interwoven so strongly with the men, and the enlisted men are rendered with depth and complexity throughout.

Zwick certainly has a gift for directing films with strong characterization and yet also managing the ferocity of the battlefield, and both elements of that are in play here. Much of the filming was done on location, with strong attention to detail in terms of period uniforms and clothing, equipment, and settings. Zwick hired on the writer and historian Shelby Foote as a consultant, a wise move, as his thorough knowledge of the war and the times comes through in the storytelling. Throughout the film we feel like we’ve stepped back in time and are walking unseen among these people in this time, silent witnesses to a pivotal period in history. That comes down to the sheer amount of attention to detail by Zwick and his crew.

The cinematography is amazing- it won Oscars for that and for sound, scoring nominations in other technical categories and a win for Best Supporting Oscar. The climactic charge at Fort Wagner, a tactical failure that nonetheless had a huge impact on history to follow, is rendered in an apocalyptic, brutal way that leaves one feeling as if you were there. As terrifying as it is- and we can imagine it must have been to the real soldiers- it also leaves one with a respect for the fact that not one of them let the fear control them. Lastly, the score by James Horner- accompanied by choir on frequent occasions- is his very best, a majestic and dignified score that perfectly fits into the movie.

The casting of the film is brilliant. Andre Braugher, who would go on to regular film and television appearances after, and would create one of the best roles in television history in the form of Frank Pembleton on Homicide Life On The Street, gets an outstanding role as Thomas Searles. Thomas is an outsider in the story; when we first meet him, this is a civilian, an articulate, well educated man who’s been friends with Shaw and Forbes for years. He’s been free his entire life, is involved in the abolitionist movement, and is thoughtful and principled. He jumps into military life without really thinking it through, and finds himself isolated. The rules of military structure mean that he can’t freely socialize with the officers he’s known as friends, but his well educated status also isolates him from the other men in the regiment, particularly Trip, who seems to despise him. Braugher has to bring these qualities to the role, and he does so splendidly, the character very gradually coming into his own. It’s a great performance from a great actor.

Cary Elwes gets one of his finest roles as the cynical officer Forbes. He’s not overly ambitious, seems to not take things seriously when we first meet him, including his own abilities as an officer. He’s wary of the notion of accepting the job, and seems to do it more because his friend is asking. And yet as the film goes on, and the stakes get higher, including a Southern proclamation that white officers commanding such a Union regiment will be treated just as harshly as the men, Forbes shows his loyalties to the men and a commitment to the cause, acting much more decisively and with dedication than when we first meet him.

Morgan Freeman had already been acting for many years, but this film, along with Driving Miss Daisy, really started getting him noticed as an actor, and he never looked back afterwards. There is a patient wisdom in his role as Rawlins, a man who yearns for freedom and justice. He has a background as an escaped slave, seeks a world where things can be set right. He’s better tempered than some of the men around him, particularly Trip, but beneath that is a man who sees the horrors of slavery and racism for what they are. Rawlins is one of those men in any army who becomes the backbone of a fighting force, the reliable senior enlisted man who can keep calm under pressure. It is a compelling performance, and a character that is one of the best, if not the best, roles for Freeman through his career.

Denzel Washington won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor as Trip, and it is well deserved. It is one of his finest roles, a man of fierce defiance and absolute rage at the injustice done to his people. Trip is deeply cynical, with a huge chip on his shoulder, no respect for anyone, and an eagerness to pick a fight. He lashes out, speaks his mind, tends to alienate others, and yet as the story goes along we see his headstrong courage, his dominant will, and determination to make a difference. His lack of respect for others translates to the officers, only gradually fading away as the story goes along and he understands they have as much at stake as he does, and particularly where Thomas is concerned; there comes a moment between the two later in the film where one is convinced the two very different men might well kill each other, a moment defused by Rawlins in a way that gets Trip to reconsider his own worldview. The performance by Washington is a marvel to behold.

Broderick was ideally cast as Shaw, commanding officer of the regiment. He had already been serving in the army for awhile, facing the worst of the fighting when the command came into his orbit, so Shaw was not fresh to war. He’s an idealist, though, a man of strong principles that have been infused into him by his parents and the abolitionist circles he’s travelled in. Shaw is a man who believes in justice, and takes on a difficult assignment, confronting all of the problems that entails. It requires him to do some give and take with the men- subjecting them to the verbal abuse of an Irish drill sergeant who rightfully has to drill them into shape on the one hand, while taking their side and refusing pay when his men are not being paid the same as white men on the other. Over time, Shaw gains their respect by showing his own respect, and Broderick conveys that in how he plays the character. It’s a mature performance, tightly controlled and dignified, and Broderick brings weight and seriousness to the role. We believe him as a capable commanding officer.

Glory is a film masterpiece, both as a powerful storytelling epic and as a strong character study. It weaves between the horrors and heroics of war while telling the story of the experience of that war through the eyes of some of the unlikeliest soldiers of that conflict. What the 54^th accomplished at Fort Wagner is a testament to willpower and courage, and while a tactical defeat, it allowed for thousands of more African-American men to join the fight. Lincoln credited these men with turning the tide of the war. Glory does them credit, serving as a magnificent film paying tribute to their extraordinary story.

Could We Not Bring Mugabe Into This?

There is no shortage of them. They seem to always come out of the woodwork and send yet more tell tales of their presence. Yes, the scammers and spammers from Africa and other parts of the world, passing themselves off as deliriously sympathetic, noble, or just plain greedy and hoping someone is dumb enough to buy the act. Most of us just see them for the con artists they are. One in a thousand, however, might say, "what could possibly go wrong?"

This turned up in my junk email folders last week. I have only removed email addys and links.

Dear,

  My name is Courtney Van Wyk, the elder son of Mr.William Van Wyk of
  Zimbabwe This might be a surprise to you about where I got your contact
  address; I got your address from the business bureau.

  During the current war against the farmers in Zimbabwe from the
  supports of our President Robert Mugabe to claim all the white-owned
  farms to his party members and his followers, he ordered all white
  farmers to surrender all farms to his party members and his followers.

My father was amongst the best farmers in our country and because he
  did not support Mugabes ideas,Mugabes supporters invaded my fathers
  farm and burnt down everything in the farm, killing my father and  made
  away with a lot of items in my fathers farm. Before his death, my
  father had deposited with a Security Company in Johannesburg, South
  Africa the sum of US$28.6, MILLION (TWENTY-EIGHT MILLION SIX  HUNDRED
  THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS). After the death of my father, we
  decided to move to the Republic of South Africa where he had deposited
  the money with a Security Company as valuables.

  So we decided to contact overseas firm, or a private Individual that will
  assist us in moving this funds out of South Africa. As an asylum seekers we
  are not allowed to operate any bank account within South Africa . We have
  agreed to offer you 30% of the total sum for your assistance, while 60%
  will be for me and my family to invest in your country then 10% mapped
  aside for any expense. Just some related news on the website concerning
  the land seizure 

You can reach me or my mother on this number. Please do email us through
  the below email address.


  Regards
  Courtney Van Wyk.

Me again. Well, this is a different take on Ye Old Nigerian Spammer ploy. Actually naming that insufferable evil bastard Mugabe (sorry, Robert, but you're a batshit crazy old prick, and when you shuffle off that mortal coil of yours, the world will be a better place for your absence) is a nice try at getting sympathy. Rather like those scammers who go on and on about the good work of their late uncle/ sugar daddy/ benevolent minister/ warlord with a conscience, this tries to play off the disdain most people have for the aforementioned batshit crazy Mugabe (did I mention he's a really evil rat?) and garner some sympathy. Nice try, but hey, we've all seen this before.

"Courtney", or whoever you actually are, it surprises me that my name would be in a "business bureau." Because it's not. And by the way, your punctuation and grammar attest to your standing as yet another scammer from that part of the world. "as an asylum seekers?" And honestly, Mugabes? It's Mugabe's, you moron. Try to keep up.

By the way, if I actually believed anything you were saying (and I really don't), I would find it astonishing that your dear old dad (who doesn't actually exist) would have socked away nearly thirty million dollars. As a farmer. I mean, what was he farming? Opium?

In conclusion, I can only say one thing to you.

You're an idiot.

The Last Charge Of The Easter Bunny

Easter weekend is upon us, so I thought I would mark the occasion in my usual mischevious way with some off kilter pics. Enjoy!

Never Trust A Mad Scientist

Some links before getting started today. Norma wrote about Wrestlemania at her blog. Krisztina had Easter dessert ideas. Parsnip had her Monday feature.

Now then, for something entirely different....

Mad Scientist Unleashes Plague On Earth, Basks In Insanity

New York (AP). As if current threats like the machinations of Russian President Vladimir Putin, terrorist groups such as ISIS and Boka Harem, and jaywalking senior citizens in Boise weren’t enough, the world has one more vile threat facing it this day.

The mystery began with the recent reappearances of Z-list celebrities believed to have died, coming out in public. David Hasselhoff, who was presumed dead while participating in the follow-up to Celebrity Hunt, mauled at the teeth of the ferocious Fluffy Destroyer of Worlds, was seen in San Diego throwing up cheeseburgers on the beach and slurring his words. Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian, the trio of sisters known for participating in endless narcissistic sideshows, also presumed dead in the original Celebrity Hunt, crashed a party in Beverly Hills, announcing a new season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Their half sisters Kendall and Kylie Jenner, presumed dead in the Celebrity Hunt follow-up, were seen stealing the spotlight at the brand new People Magazine Awards show, drinking Scotch and doing wardrobe malfunction photo shoots. And Ian Ziering and Tara Reid, slaughtered by Killer Rabbits while doing a Sharknado publicity tour in Scotland, were seen at the announcement for the next Sharknado, smiling in the same blithering stupid way as always. None of the particular celebrities offered any explanation for why they were alive; this was particularly troublesome given that Ziering and Reid’s deaths were graphically witnessed by reporters, and particularly gruesome.

An explanation was forthcoming. Magnus Von Malice, the super-villain and deranged scientist who has picked up some of the slack after the demise of Muppet super-villain Mr. Johnson and the arrests of the Dark Cabal of entertainment reporters who tried to take over the world, showed his hand. Von Malice issued a cryptic statement sent to the media taking responsibility for the returns of the dead celebrities, with questions about the appalling lack of ethics in an insane super-villain coming up afterwards.

“People of the world! I am Doctor Magnus Von Malice!” he bellowed in a dramatic voice, laughing in a suitably maniacal way. Not much about where he was could be made out from the video footage. He looked dishevelled and deranged, as if he wasn’t playing with a full deck of cards. His long black hair, streaked with silver, was askew, as if he’d been in a wind tunnel. “You might be wondering why certain dead celebrities have risen up from the grave. You might ask yourselves why David Hasselhoff lives again, despite meeting a grisly end thanks to the most dangerous being in the solar system.”

He smiled in a malevolent way. “Well, I will tell you how it has happened. I am the reason they have returned from the grave! I, the most malevolent scientist to ever graduate from the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For Ethically Challenged Scholars. Only a genius of my level could master the technology and devise the method to bring them back!” The statement went on for forty five minutes of personal self-congratulations and otherwise boasting of his vast intelligence before he got to the heart of the matter.

“I have spent years building my organization, lending assistance to my fellow megalomaniacs when needed, building connections, experimenting in things that would cross the ethical lines for any scientist who never attained the heights I have attained. One of my many devious schemes led me to this point,” he explained, laughing yet again in that unsettling maniacal way of his. “I was able to breach time itself. I was able to reach into time and pluck people from the moment just before their deaths. It split them off from themselves, leaving one to die as they were meant to, the other saved from the time stream. And so I have brought back David Hasselhoff, the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, Ian Ziering, and Tara Reid from the grisly deaths they suffered. And they are just the beginning. My technology will allow me to do the same with many more dead celebrities, and make use of them for my own ends.”

He sneered as if inviting anyone to challenge him, then shrugged. “There is, admittedly, something of a catch-22. I can only retrieve z-list dolts for my work. There’ll be no Humphrey Bogarts or Cary Grants or Katherine Hepburns coming back from the dead. Of course, that has an advantage in and of itself. You see, z-list celebrities annoy everyone. They’ll never go away. And I’ll make it permanent. A world of Kardashians and Hasselhoffs and Real Housewives of Los Angeles occupying every bit of attention and airwave and bandwith that they can, all the world over. Imagine such a plague of celebrity mediocrity, a legion of halfwit vaguely famous buffoons, all at my command!” Von Malice laughed again, leaving one with the impression that he’d lost most of his marbles.

“Here are my demands,” he continued. “In one week, I will have nine hundred billion dollars wired to specific accounts yet to be disclosed. With those funds will come an iron clad pledge that my acts will never be used against me. I will also be given control of the entire nation of, let’s see... what do I want today? Oh, yes! Denmark! All of Denmark will be handed over to me to use as I like. The Danes will act as my personal servants and playthings, and they should get used to being used as life sized chess pieces, because my right hand man Igor and I like playing chess.”

Von Malice nodded decisively. “If you do not do this, I will continue the process of bringing back pointless Z-list celebrities from the dead and inflicting them on the world at large. You will beg for mercy. And there will be none. They will march all over the world, being their vapid, vacant selves, and you will cry out in despair. And at your worst moment, when all seems hopeless, I will unleash the most annoying celebrity to ever walk the earth, either on this side or the other side of the grave.”

He smiled. “Yes, I will unleash Pauly Shore.”

The statement came to an end with Von Malice’s laughter. The screen faded to black. The United Nations went into emergency discussions to deal with the crisis.  The comedian Carrot Top issued a statement of his own, demanding to be included in the plague of celebrities.

World governments are busy devising responses to the crisis. Law enforcement agencies are hunting for answers on Von Malice, whose background is surprisingly scarce. Fears have been heightened across the globe. A plague of z-list celebrities marching across the entire world is not a welcome idea.

Many people wonder if anyone can thwart the unthinkable from happening.