Downfall Of A Mad Scientist

Some links before getting started. Norma is doing an interview with me which can be found at Blogger and Wordpress. Parsnip had some photos. And Eve continues to do the A-Z challenge.

Now then, earlier this month I posted a blog about a certain mad scientist. This, therefore, is the follow up.

Mad Scientist Super Villain Foiled By Cranky Lawman; Vows That He Will Have His Revenge

Calgary (CP). After days of posturing and making multiple threats, mad scientist Magnus Von Malice was taken into custody and charged with multiple criminal charges. The super villain, who claimed responsibility for the recent re-emergence of numerous dead Z-list celebrities, and threatened to unleash a plague of them upon the earth if his demands were not met, was in a foul mood while appearing in court and being told he had no prospects of making bail.

“You can’t do this to me!” he bellowed at a judge in a court in Calgary, Canada, while being restrained by court guards and security personnel. “I’ll get you for this! Nobody does this to Magnus Von Malice and lives to see next year!”

Von Malice, graduate of the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For Ethically Challenged Scholars, had created technology allowing him to pierce the time stream and remove several dead celebrities from the moment before their deaths, creating a temporal paradox in which one version of them died and the other was left to live. He also enlisted a horde of living Z-list celebrities willing to do his bidding. “He told us he could make sure we’d stay famous,” former Beverly Hills 90210 star Luke Perry explained to reporters. “How could we not sign up with him? I mean, seriously, I’ve got guys who want to break my knees if I don’t pay them six figures by the end of the month... which reminds me, does anyone have a couple hundred grand they can lend me?”

David Hasselhoff, the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and others have been among the previously believed dead celebrities to have returned from the dead in recent days. Aside from Ziering and Reid, the others met a bad end at the teeth of the most dangerous being in the entire galaxy.

Von Malice’s evil plan terrified the world. Leaders around the planet speculated on the potential plague a horde of Z-list celebrities could cause across the world. Entertainment journalists gushed about the prospect of 24 hours a day coverage of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills taking over the International Criminal Court. The people of Denmark worried that they would be reduced to serving as life sized chess pieces for Von Malice and his right hand man Igor. And Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has been busy making trouble in the Ukraine ever since losing face and bawling like a baby when his attempt to take over the world failed miserably at the closing ceremonies of the Sochi Olympics, offered to arm wrestle Von Malice if the rest of the world handed over all security and banking codes to his safekeeping.

The rest of the world, meanwhile, gave Putin the finger and, and requested real help: the man who reduced Putin to tears at that aforementioned Olympics. RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich, the legendary Mountie, world’s most dangerous man, and thoroughly cranky lawman, was enlisted in the effort to hunt down Von Malice. The Canadian government grudgingly allowed his participation. “Admittedly, the Prime Minister hates the Inspector,” a spokesperson for the Canadian Department of Justice told reporters on the condition of keeping their name off the record. “On the one hand, the Inspector once kicked his ass when he became a hundred foot giant on a rampage. On the other hand, deep down, the Prime Minister really is a gutless coward who doesn’t like being reminded that he’s a gutless coward, and courage by others reminds him of that. Inspector Ulrich having had saved the world on multiple occasions certainly reminds him of how much of a snivelling cretin he really is. Did I mention we really want to see this government turfed out in the next election?”

It was confirmed afterwards that the entire operation was kept secret until it was all over. Reports that the Inspector was busy hunting down a former Entertainment Tonight correspondent through Alberta and Saskatchewan were circulated to explain his absence during the operation. “I was happy to help by lying low and keeping out of sight, pretending to be hunted by a relentless Mountie,” Chip Braun told reporters at his Seattle radio station, where he co-hosts Chip And Zonker In The Morning with Zach “Zonker” Kazlowski. “I mean, I learned my lesson the first time when I mistook him for that Metallica drummer. The Inspector beating the living daylights out of me seemed to have knocked some sense into me. I quit the Hollywood star circuit, got into the radio business, and I’m up every day at the crack of dawn making jokes about vomit and teasing the traffic guy every five minutes. If you ask me, it’s a step up.”

Ulrich moved swiftly with the assistance of law enforcement agencies worldwide. Within two days, Ulrich tracked the mad scientist, who had set up his operations in a former Reform Party campaign compound in British Columbia. Preston Manning, the mentor of Prime Minister Harper and leader of the Reform Party that later ended up hijacking the Conservatives in Canada, denied any connection to the super villain. “Look, you can’t go around making unfounded accusations about the party we rednecks founded back in the day,” Manning insisted to reporters.  “Just because Magnus was one of our biggest contributors and helped draft policy doesn’t mean... wait, did I say that out loud?”

The RCMP issued a statement about what transpired next. The Inspector went in with backup, but not in the form of other Mounties. His backup was a small dog, later confirmed to be Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds, the same dog who mauled, annihilated, and destroyed two sets of Z-list celebrities in the Celebrity Hunt reality shows. “Fluffy didn’t like that Von Malice cheated him out of a few well earned maulings by messing around with the time stream,” spokesperson Constable Alison Churchill told reporters. “So he had a score to settle. And frankly, Fluffy and Lars understand each other. Kindred spirits, as Lucy Maud Montgomery would say. They’re both cranky.”

Ulrich and Fluffy infiltrated Von Malice’s secret headquarters by kicking the doors in. While Fluffy contented himself with destroying Von Malice’s time machine, Ulrich spent his time beating the mad scientist into a bloody pulp. Churchill confirmed that Von Malice was dragged out by the foot by Ulrich, while Fluffy barked at him in a vicious fury. Von Malice was protesting repeatedly about the Inspector having the audacity to hit a man with glasses, and swearing revenge. “Inspector Ulrich told him in some colourful language, well... to shut up. That’s as much as I can say without setting off swear word bleeping,” Churchill explained.

In the aftermath, the machinery that allowed Von Malice to access time is beyond repair. Von Malice faces numerous charges, which he refuses to acknowledge, telling the judge in open court, “this isn’t the last you’ve heard of Magnus Heinrich Von Malice! I’ll be revenged!” And the Inspector has returned to life as usual in his detachment in the Alberta foothills. Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds, has moved on to Skull Island, where he is busy making King Kong cry.

One problem lingers. The destruction of the device did not send the previously dead Z-list celebrities back into the timestream.  They walk around again, alive and well, demanding attention, seeking to ink deals with reality shows. They speak of making sequels to cheesy films for cheesy networks. Ian Ziering and Tara Reid are busy making another Sharknado film. Ziering managed to get a role for his former castmate Luke Perry. “I’ve gotta tell you, I’m glad I got this part,” Perry told reporters after learning the news. “The bookies aren’t going to break my legs now.”

Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, and Kylie- the horde of talentless twits making up the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, are already planning a new season of reality shows and turning up on thousands of tabloid covers for the next three years. They say they are pleased that Von Malice didn’t resurrect their mother or Kim’s late husband Kanye, who died last year when he was hit by a meteorite. “To be honest,” Kim told reporters while shopping at Saks. “Our mother was an insufferable self absorbed buffoon. And to be even more brutally honest, I was bored out of my mind being married to that egotistical ass. I mean, there’s only room in this world for one inflated ego, and that’s me. By the way, don’t quote me on that, I’m still trying to secure every single cent I can get out of his estate.”

Von Malice stews in a jail cell tonight, still nursing his wounds after being beaten up by the world’s most dangerous man. No doubt he dreams of revenge. No doubt he already has a plan of escape. And no doubt the world’s most dangerous man will be there to kick his ass yet again.

Just don’t ask the Inspector if he’s taking time off from Metallica.

Never Trust A Mad Scientist

Some links before getting started today. Norma wrote about Wrestlemania at her blog. Krisztina had Easter dessert ideas. Parsnip had her Monday feature.

Now then, for something entirely different....

Mad Scientist Unleashes Plague On Earth, Basks In Insanity

New York (AP). As if current threats like the machinations of Russian President Vladimir Putin, terrorist groups such as ISIS and Boka Harem, and jaywalking senior citizens in Boise weren’t enough, the world has one more vile threat facing it this day.

The mystery began with the recent reappearances of Z-list celebrities believed to have died, coming out in public. David Hasselhoff, who was presumed dead while participating in the follow-up to Celebrity Hunt, mauled at the teeth of the ferocious Fluffy Destroyer of Worlds, was seen in San Diego throwing up cheeseburgers on the beach and slurring his words. Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian, the trio of sisters known for participating in endless narcissistic sideshows, also presumed dead in the original Celebrity Hunt, crashed a party in Beverly Hills, announcing a new season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Their half sisters Kendall and Kylie Jenner, presumed dead in the Celebrity Hunt follow-up, were seen stealing the spotlight at the brand new People Magazine Awards show, drinking Scotch and doing wardrobe malfunction photo shoots. And Ian Ziering and Tara Reid, slaughtered by Killer Rabbits while doing a Sharknado publicity tour in Scotland, were seen at the announcement for the next Sharknado, smiling in the same blithering stupid way as always. None of the particular celebrities offered any explanation for why they were alive; this was particularly troublesome given that Ziering and Reid’s deaths were graphically witnessed by reporters, and particularly gruesome.

An explanation was forthcoming. Magnus Von Malice, the super-villain and deranged scientist who has picked up some of the slack after the demise of Muppet super-villain Mr. Johnson and the arrests of the Dark Cabal of entertainment reporters who tried to take over the world, showed his hand. Von Malice issued a cryptic statement sent to the media taking responsibility for the returns of the dead celebrities, with questions about the appalling lack of ethics in an insane super-villain coming up afterwards.

“People of the world! I am Doctor Magnus Von Malice!” he bellowed in a dramatic voice, laughing in a suitably maniacal way. Not much about where he was could be made out from the video footage. He looked dishevelled and deranged, as if he wasn’t playing with a full deck of cards. His long black hair, streaked with silver, was askew, as if he’d been in a wind tunnel. “You might be wondering why certain dead celebrities have risen up from the grave. You might ask yourselves why David Hasselhoff lives again, despite meeting a grisly end thanks to the most dangerous being in the solar system.”

He smiled in a malevolent way. “Well, I will tell you how it has happened. I am the reason they have returned from the grave! I, the most malevolent scientist to ever graduate from the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For Ethically Challenged Scholars. Only a genius of my level could master the technology and devise the method to bring them back!” The statement went on for forty five minutes of personal self-congratulations and otherwise boasting of his vast intelligence before he got to the heart of the matter.

“I have spent years building my organization, lending assistance to my fellow megalomaniacs when needed, building connections, experimenting in things that would cross the ethical lines for any scientist who never attained the heights I have attained. One of my many devious schemes led me to this point,” he explained, laughing yet again in that unsettling maniacal way of his. “I was able to breach time itself. I was able to reach into time and pluck people from the moment just before their deaths. It split them off from themselves, leaving one to die as they were meant to, the other saved from the time stream. And so I have brought back David Hasselhoff, the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, Ian Ziering, and Tara Reid from the grisly deaths they suffered. And they are just the beginning. My technology will allow me to do the same with many more dead celebrities, and make use of them for my own ends.”

He sneered as if inviting anyone to challenge him, then shrugged. “There is, admittedly, something of a catch-22. I can only retrieve z-list dolts for my work. There’ll be no Humphrey Bogarts or Cary Grants or Katherine Hepburns coming back from the dead. Of course, that has an advantage in and of itself. You see, z-list celebrities annoy everyone. They’ll never go away. And I’ll make it permanent. A world of Kardashians and Hasselhoffs and Real Housewives of Los Angeles occupying every bit of attention and airwave and bandwith that they can, all the world over. Imagine such a plague of celebrity mediocrity, a legion of halfwit vaguely famous buffoons, all at my command!” Von Malice laughed again, leaving one with the impression that he’d lost most of his marbles.

“Here are my demands,” he continued. “In one week, I will have nine hundred billion dollars wired to specific accounts yet to be disclosed. With those funds will come an iron clad pledge that my acts will never be used against me. I will also be given control of the entire nation of, let’s see... what do I want today? Oh, yes! Denmark! All of Denmark will be handed over to me to use as I like. The Danes will act as my personal servants and playthings, and they should get used to being used as life sized chess pieces, because my right hand man Igor and I like playing chess.”

Von Malice nodded decisively. “If you do not do this, I will continue the process of bringing back pointless Z-list celebrities from the dead and inflicting them on the world at large. You will beg for mercy. And there will be none. They will march all over the world, being their vapid, vacant selves, and you will cry out in despair. And at your worst moment, when all seems hopeless, I will unleash the most annoying celebrity to ever walk the earth, either on this side or the other side of the grave.”

He smiled. “Yes, I will unleash Pauly Shore.”

The statement came to an end with Von Malice’s laughter. The screen faded to black. The United Nations went into emergency discussions to deal with the crisis.  The comedian Carrot Top issued a statement of his own, demanding to be included in the plague of celebrities.

World governments are busy devising responses to the crisis. Law enforcement agencies are hunting for answers on Von Malice, whose background is surprisingly scarce. Fears have been heightened across the globe. A plague of z-list celebrities marching across the entire world is not a welcome idea.

Many people wonder if anyone can thwart the unthinkable from happening. 

The Wretchedly Horrible Death Of A Lab Assistant

Know It All Blowhard Dooms Best Friend To Grisly Death

Fox News consultant, writer, and self described genius Keith Jarrett, author of the books I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom and the ill fated Duck And Cover, The Buddhists Are Coming To Kill Us All, summoned reporters to a press conference today at a facility outside New York.

"Thank you for coming," Jarrett told the reporters, accompanied by a rather dim-looking man he introduced as his good friend Billy Bob. "I'm announcing a major breakthrough in medical research, one that will surely win me the Nobel for medicine. And when I publish my findings, the resulting paper will be surely so compelling that it'll win me the Pulitzer for literature too."

The assembly of reporters, who were more interested in the ongoing world crisis surrounding the Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson, seemed impatient. "What's on your mind, Mr. Jarrett?" a Reuters reporter inquired.

"I'll get to that. And it's Doctor Jarrett. I did graduate from the Jarrett University with a PhD, after all. Ladies and gentlemen, recently I borrowed a sample of pathogen from a highly secure medical research facility..."

"By borrowed, do you mean stole?" another reporter asked.

"Semantics! Which, incidentally, I go into great detail on in chapter 5678 in my tome I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom. Now, pay attention." At this point, he removed a medical syringe from a case. "Billy Bob here is patient zero for my experiment. I will cure Billy Bob through a rigorous treatment of herbal teas, homeopathic remedies, and singing Kumbayah around a campfire. No need for pharmaceutical companies to get involved when you've got the soon to be patented Jarrett treatment." The reporters eyed Jarrett nervously; the well-known blowhard seemed oblivious.

Billy Bob, for his part, appeared confused as Jarrett prepped his arm with a swab of alcohol-dabbed cotton. "Hey, dude, when do I get my case of beer?"

"Soon, Billy Bob, soon. Now, then, ladies and gentlemen, if you'll watch carefully, I'm about to inject the pathogen into my good friend here..."

"What is that?" this reporter asked, as Jarrett pricked the needle into Billy Bob's upper arm. Billy Bob appeared to be used to needles.

"Nothing much. Just the Ebola virus," Jarrett replied cheerfully as he injected the contents into Billy Bob. The reporters took a big step back.

"The Ebola virus? Are you insane?" This question came from a reporter with the New York Times.

"Nothing to be worried about, just a typical disease," Jarrett assured everyone, oblivious.

"Mr. Jarrett..."

"Doctor Jarrett."

"The Ebola Virus is one of the most dangerous viruses ever known," the Reuters reporter insisted, a fact known to the rest of the reporters on the scene. " If not the most dangerous one. It's got a fatality rate of 90% at its most virulent. It eats the body from the inside out. The patient dies within days, in horrendous pain. It's about the worst way I can think of for anyone to die. There's no cure! The CDC and every other virus research lab have been looking for decades!"

Jarrett looked confused. "Are you sure?"

"I've seen the dead from outbreaks myself! Believe me, it's a horrible way to die," the Reuters correspondant answered.

Jarrett looked over at Billy Bob, who seemed even more confused. "Well, I.... that is... You're certain herbal teas won't help?"

The Reuters correspondant appeared exasperated. "What did you think the ebola virus was?"

"The one that makes you laugh."

Charges are now pending for Jarrett for breaking and entering. Billy Bob has been taken into quarantine by the CDC, and isn't expected to last long. The virus is already working its way through his body, eating the inner organs and the blood. Best estimates are he'll be dead within the week.

Jarrett, meanwhile, is busy cancelling print runs of his new book How To Cure Ebola.