Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Never Trust A Mad Scientist

Some links before getting started today. Norma wrote about Wrestlemania at her blog. Krisztina had Easter dessert ideas. Parsnip had her Monday feature.

Now then, for something entirely different....

Mad Scientist Unleashes Plague On Earth, Basks In Insanity

New York (AP). As if current threats like the machinations of Russian President Vladimir Putin, terrorist groups such as ISIS and Boka Harem, and jaywalking senior citizens in Boise weren’t enough, the world has one more vile threat facing it this day.

The mystery began with the recent reappearances of Z-list celebrities believed to have died, coming out in public. David Hasselhoff, who was presumed dead while participating in the follow-up to Celebrity Hunt, mauled at the teeth of the ferocious Fluffy Destroyer of Worlds, was seen in San Diego throwing up cheeseburgers on the beach and slurring his words. Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian, the trio of sisters known for participating in endless narcissistic sideshows, also presumed dead in the original Celebrity Hunt, crashed a party in Beverly Hills, announcing a new season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Their half sisters Kendall and Kylie Jenner, presumed dead in the Celebrity Hunt follow-up, were seen stealing the spotlight at the brand new People Magazine Awards show, drinking Scotch and doing wardrobe malfunction photo shoots. And Ian Ziering and Tara Reid, slaughtered by Killer Rabbits while doing a Sharknado publicity tour in Scotland, were seen at the announcement for the next Sharknado, smiling in the same blithering stupid way as always. None of the particular celebrities offered any explanation for why they were alive; this was particularly troublesome given that Ziering and Reid’s deaths were graphically witnessed by reporters, and particularly gruesome.

An explanation was forthcoming. Magnus Von Malice, the super-villain and deranged scientist who has picked up some of the slack after the demise of Muppet super-villain Mr. Johnson and the arrests of the Dark Cabal of entertainment reporters who tried to take over the world, showed his hand. Von Malice issued a cryptic statement sent to the media taking responsibility for the returns of the dead celebrities, with questions about the appalling lack of ethics in an insane super-villain coming up afterwards.

“People of the world! I am Doctor Magnus Von Malice!” he bellowed in a dramatic voice, laughing in a suitably maniacal way. Not much about where he was could be made out from the video footage. He looked dishevelled and deranged, as if he wasn’t playing with a full deck of cards. His long black hair, streaked with silver, was askew, as if he’d been in a wind tunnel. “You might be wondering why certain dead celebrities have risen up from the grave. You might ask yourselves why David Hasselhoff lives again, despite meeting a grisly end thanks to the most dangerous being in the solar system.”

He smiled in a malevolent way. “Well, I will tell you how it has happened. I am the reason they have returned from the grave! I, the most malevolent scientist to ever graduate from the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For Ethically Challenged Scholars. Only a genius of my level could master the technology and devise the method to bring them back!” The statement went on for forty five minutes of personal self-congratulations and otherwise boasting of his vast intelligence before he got to the heart of the matter.

“I have spent years building my organization, lending assistance to my fellow megalomaniacs when needed, building connections, experimenting in things that would cross the ethical lines for any scientist who never attained the heights I have attained. One of my many devious schemes led me to this point,” he explained, laughing yet again in that unsettling maniacal way of his. “I was able to breach time itself. I was able to reach into time and pluck people from the moment just before their deaths. It split them off from themselves, leaving one to die as they were meant to, the other saved from the time stream. And so I have brought back David Hasselhoff, the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, Ian Ziering, and Tara Reid from the grisly deaths they suffered. And they are just the beginning. My technology will allow me to do the same with many more dead celebrities, and make use of them for my own ends.”

He sneered as if inviting anyone to challenge him, then shrugged. “There is, admittedly, something of a catch-22. I can only retrieve z-list dolts for my work. There’ll be no Humphrey Bogarts or Cary Grants or Katherine Hepburns coming back from the dead. Of course, that has an advantage in and of itself. You see, z-list celebrities annoy everyone. They’ll never go away. And I’ll make it permanent. A world of Kardashians and Hasselhoffs and Real Housewives of Los Angeles occupying every bit of attention and airwave and bandwith that they can, all the world over. Imagine such a plague of celebrity mediocrity, a legion of halfwit vaguely famous buffoons, all at my command!” Von Malice laughed again, leaving one with the impression that he’d lost most of his marbles.

“Here are my demands,” he continued. “In one week, I will have nine hundred billion dollars wired to specific accounts yet to be disclosed. With those funds will come an iron clad pledge that my acts will never be used against me. I will also be given control of the entire nation of, let’s see... what do I want today? Oh, yes! Denmark! All of Denmark will be handed over to me to use as I like. The Danes will act as my personal servants and playthings, and they should get used to being used as life sized chess pieces, because my right hand man Igor and I like playing chess.”

Von Malice nodded decisively. “If you do not do this, I will continue the process of bringing back pointless Z-list celebrities from the dead and inflicting them on the world at large. You will beg for mercy. And there will be none. They will march all over the world, being their vapid, vacant selves, and you will cry out in despair. And at your worst moment, when all seems hopeless, I will unleash the most annoying celebrity to ever walk the earth, either on this side or the other side of the grave.”

He smiled. “Yes, I will unleash Pauly Shore.”

The statement came to an end with Von Malice’s laughter. The screen faded to black. The United Nations went into emergency discussions to deal with the crisis.  The comedian Carrot Top issued a statement of his own, demanding to be included in the plague of celebrities.

World governments are busy devising responses to the crisis. Law enforcement agencies are hunting for answers on Von Malice, whose background is surprisingly scarce. Fears have been heightened across the globe. A plague of z-list celebrities marching across the entire world is not a welcome idea.

Many people wonder if anyone can thwart the unthinkable from happening. 


  1. Even Sharks hate Sharknado? (I hear David Hasselhoff is going to be in Sharknado 3....)

    When are you going to do another Lars blog? And is there any chance Lars will team up with Fluffy?

    You should really post this at the International Intruder....

  2. Give him what he wants but unleash Fluffy first!

  3. @Norma: it has occurred to me that these blogs have progressed to the point where I need to pay attention to continuity!

    @Eve: thank you!

    @Parsnip: Fluffy is cute.

    @Kelly: it's wise to bet on Fluffy.

    @Cheryl: Magnus wouldn't stand a chance.

  4. Well, you had me laughing the whole way through. My god, this is so terrible. Where do I enlist to stop this mad scientist? Is he a blogger? A photo blogger? Could we put his face up on Face Book? That would engender a world-wide outcry and cause millions to begin searching for him - in Denmark.

  5. "Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For Ethically Challenged Scholars" LOL! This is awesome :) Also, quite possibly my worst nightmare!

  6. "Fluffy Destroyer of Worlds." This was awesome.


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