A Day In The Life Of A Leafs Fan

The NHL season has gotten underway. I decided to return to the point of view of a demented Maple Leafs fan to mark the occasion.

10:46 AM. At home. Gettin’ ready for tonight’s big game. Our boys, our heroes, the Maple Leafs are in town playin’ those damned New York Rangers. This is our season, baby. Our season! This is the year our guys take back the Stanley Cup once and for all! Yeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

11:21 AM. Watchin’ some of Don Cherry’s Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em videos. Always a good way to get myself into the hockey night at the arena mindset, after all. Don’s my spirit guide in life. Best and smartest guy you’ll ever see out there. Don’t know why people knock him for his clothes. He looks perfectly respectable to me.

1:30 PM. Preparin’ for the game some more. This requires the Leafs Fan Prayer. O Father, who is in heaven, or as we like to call it, Maple Leafs Stanley Cup Ecstasy, hallowed be the Leafs, their kingdom come, on earth, as it is in the arena….

1:31 PM. ….and lead us not into temptation to root for another team, because we’re Leafs fans through and through, but deliver us the Stanley Cup for the next century straight, because we really, really deserve it. For the Blue and White is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever, amen.

1:43 PM. Stabbin’ a New York Rangers voodoo doll with a pin. Can’t be too careful, after all. Gotta hedge your bets and curse ‘em. Nobody’s going to come between my Leafs and the best record in sports this season, believe me…

3:50 PM. Harry and Jack show up at the house. Hey, boys! Ready for the big game or what?

4:07 PM. Me and Jack and Harry are all excited. After all this time, this has gotta be our year. We came so close last year, before gettin’ eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. But that don’t matter. Don’t think of the past, except when you’re usin’ the past to comfort yourself over the fact that our boys haven’t won that Cup in more than fifty years now. What we gotta think about right now is the future, and the hundred years plus of straight Stanley Cup championships that we deserve. Boys, I’ll tell you this, it’s a shame that we can’t get within five hundred metres of that Cup, what with our probation requirements. Geez, you steal the Cup and hold it for ransom just one time, and the cops never let you hear the end of it.

5:55 PM. Out the door and on our way to the game. We’ve already had a few drinks, but **** it, we’re takin’ a taxi anyway. Don’t let nobody go around sayin’ Leafs fans are illegitimate. No, wait, not illegitimate. Irresponsible. No, wait, that’s not right either. Leafs fans are not responsible. That sound right to you, Harry?

6:21 PM. Stoppin’ in at the bar down near the arena. Hey, Max! Beer here!

6:57 PM. Gettin’ our asses into the arena. Can’t miss the anthem now, can we?

7:06 PM. Anthem time. Singer down on the ice singin’. We’re joinin’ in with our great soundin’ voices. True Maple Leafs love, in all thy sons command! With glowing hearts, we love the Leafs….

7:11 PM. Openin’ faceoff. Wait a minute, how the **** did that Ranger just score on us?

7:48 PM. Down twelve to zero after one period? Harry? Jack? Pinch me boys, this has gotta be a nightmare.

8:37 PM. Come on, Andersen, you bum! My mother coulda blocked that one! We’re down twenty six to nothin’, and you’re just standin’ there not even doin’ your ****in’ job! Stop the game! Let me lace up and I’ll show that lazy no good for nothin’ loser what goaltendin’ is really like!

9:40 PM. Three minutes left on the clock. Longest three minutes of my life. Boys? We can come back from behind and still win this game thirty four to thirty three, right?

9:46 PM. Final score. Thirty seven to zero for the Rangers. They’re out on the ice laughin’ away, while our boys just leave the ice lookin’ like sad sacks. Boys? Why does this keep happenin’ to us?

10:06 PM. Back into the bar with Harry and Jack. Max! Beer here! This is the worst night of my life, if you ask me. I wanna get drunk and forget it ever happened.

11:38 PM. Me and Jack and Harry, we’ve figured it out. We know why it is the Leafs keep losin’ like this. Because the fix is in. Because the League is out to get the Leafs. Because they’re jealous of real greatness. So they’ve fixed the games so that the Leafs are never gonna win the Cup. They’ve got corrupt refs, corrupt teams, corrupt cameramen, the whole nine yards. That’s gotta be it. Our boys? They’re not this bad, right, boys? Of course I’m right.

12:53 PM. Comin’ home. Collapsin’ on the couch. Man, I’m drunk. Gonna have a huge ****in’ hangover tomorrow. Geez. Maybe it’s time to quit drinkin’.

Wait, did I actually say that?

Hell no!

Drinkin’s the only thing that gets me through the day and lets me forget the agony of watchin’ my boys falter in a hockey game.