Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, January 7, 2017

A Day In The Life Of A Leafs Fan

It's been awhile since I last insulted the average intelligence of a Maple Leafs fan (hint: they tend to be really, really dumb), so here we are...

10:55 AM. Big day ahead in the Big Smoke! Our boys are on home ice tonight, and we’ve got Montreal in town. And this time, baby, this time... we’re gonna humiliate them. Oh, sure, for whatever reason they’ve cleaned our clocks time and time again, but this time is different. This time, it’s our destiny. It’s the big fifty years season since our last Stanley Cup, and this time, we’re bringin’ it home. And by we, I mean the Leafs. I mean, it’s not as if I’m part of the team, as much as I’d love to be, but let’s face it, when you’re past forty, they’re not going to let you try out for the team.

1:17 PM. Harry and Jack turn up the house. Hey, boys! Big day today! Big day indeed! Come on in, I’ve got pizza comin’, and we can watch our sainted Don Cherry’s Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em videos until it’s time to head down to the big game. I don't know why people make fun of the way he dresses...

2:31 PM. Jack and Harry and me are talkin’ how we’ll celebrate the big Stanley Cup victory when it comes. Sure, we’re not allowed near the Cup or the Hockey Hall Of Fame after that whole stealin’ the Cup thing we did a couple of years ago, but who’s gonna notice the three of us among millions of Leafs fans crowdin’ the streets of Toronto for that long overdue celebration?

3:54 PM. Okay, boys, time to get downtown. Sure, the game don’t start before seven, but we got ourselves some drinkin’ to get done before the big game, and I want to get started early.

4:36 PM. The cab lets us off at our favourite bar. We go inside. Hey, Mike! Beer here!

4:49 PM. On our second round. Harry and Jack and me, we’re talkin’ about the game and the shape the team is in. Sure, we’re not up there in the standings like we ought to be, but hey, that ends tonight. I mean, if the Cubs could break that whole losin’ streak and finally win the World Series, our boys can finally break our curse and take the Cup. From tonight on, the Leafs are winnin’ every single game left in the season, and then we’re winnin’ every single game in the playoffs. Nothin’ can mess that up for us. And I mean nothin’.

5:20 PM. Tryin’ to pick up that girl in the bar, but she’s totally blowin’ me off. Must be a Habs fan. Well, plenty of Leafs fans out there of the female side of things, and who’d find me quite a catch. Your loss, babe.

6:33 PM. Me and the boys are headin’ out. Time to get ourselves in place for the game. Lookin’ forward to seein’ the Habs get demolished tonight. Boys? It’s gonna be a scene for the ages. For the ages, boys!!

6:48 PM. Into the arena. Lots of fans around. Lots of blue jerseys. Lots of excitement. You see that, boys? Everyone here knows we’re gonna win tonight, and we’re gonna win big! It’s a great time to be a Leafs fan, baby!

6:56 PM. Lookin’ around at all the banners. Sure, we haven’t gotten that Cup since 1967, but there’s gonna be a new Stanley Cup banner bein’ hoisted up there! Because this is our year, boys, this is our year!

7:03 PM. National anthem time. Me and Harry and Jack are singin’. Oooooo Caaaaanaaaaaadaaaa, we stand on guard for the Leafs...

7:09 PM. Openin’ face off. And here we go...

7:10 PM. How the **** did the Habs just score on us?

7:22 PM. Harry? Jack? Somebody tell me how it’s possible they’re up on us seven to zero?

7:58 PM. One period down. Two to go. Okay, so our boys are down nineteen to zero, but that’s not the end of the world, right? Our Leafs can come back from this, am I right, or am I right?

10:02 PM. In a state of shock. Watchin’ the Habs celebrate on the ice. Watchin’ our boys skate off looking sheepish. This is, without a doubt, the worst night of my life. Harry? Jack? Will one of you tell me how the **** our boys coulda lost the game by forty two to zero?

10:26 PM. Back at the bar. Lots of Leafs fans around lookin’ like they just lost their best friend. Mike! Beer here! I wanna forget this whole night ever happened.

11:34 PM. Me and Harry and Jack, we’re busy gettin’ ourselves hammered and tryin’ to forget this awful night went down the way it did. I mean, losin’ that big to our worst enemy. Would someone explain to me how the **** this keeps happenin’ to us?

1:01 AM. Okay, boys. Right. So it was a bad game. So it feels like we got slaughtered out there. It’s just one game, right? Doesn’t mean anything. It’s not the end of the world. One bad game is just that. Our boys can come back from this. They can kick the crap outta the next team they play. After all, like I always say... Leafs Nation, baby! Woo!

2:39 AM. Staggerin’ back in my front door. Totally wasted. Feelin’ like tomorrow’s gonna be the hangover from hell. But that’s okay. These things happen. And when we even the score, when our boys win the Cup this year... it’ll all be worth it. The curse is gonna end this year. Leafs Nation, baby! Leafs Nation forever! Yeaaaaaahhhhh!

Geez, I gotta throw up.


  1. I wouldn't know a Maple Leaf from an oak leaf, except I think a guy named Melnyk owns the team and a lot of property here in Ocala which he had the temerity to put up for sale and now a huge horse farm will probably end up as a series of strip malls. Aaaargh!

  2. I am a habitual losing team follower. Whatever team I start following, immediately starts losing. Don't know if I'm a jinx or just a poor judge of teams to root for!

  3. "Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups'--our 2016 election is proof of the risk in that one!

  4. I'm not a hockey fan, but these are funny! :D

  5. OK are the leafs really that bad ?
    I mean Tucson has a Hockey Team and we are 4th in or division.

    cheers, parsnip

  6. @Lowell: Melnyk actually owns the Senators!

    @Cheryl: either or!

    @Norma: true!

    @Diane: thanks!

    @Parsnip: around this time of year the Leafs engage in their annual collapse.

  7. Hockey is one of those sports I could never get into. I think it's because I'm way too accident-prone for ice and skates. ;)


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