Not Exactly Your A-List Talent

So there's that whole inauguration thing in a couple of days. I decided to take shots not at the President-Elect (with one or two exceptions), but at the sort of "notable talent" that his inauguration might attract.

Top Notch Music Acts Fail To Materialize For Inauguration

Washington D.C. (Reuters) Last minute preparations are underway for the Friday inauguration of the president-elect after a divisive campaign on both sides. Boasts of millions of people attending the occasion have been met by shrugs from the city’s police, who expect less. American politicians and foreign diplomats have gone out of their way to explain why they’ll be doing other things that day. The president-elect has spent recent days picking fights with civil rights legends. And after previous inaugurations that have featured A-list singers, this occasion features anything but that.

The B-Street Band, a Bruce Springsteen tribute band that was booked years ago for the Garden State Gala the day before the inauguration, pulled out after criticism from fans, citing respect for Springsteen, who has been quite vocal in his dislike for the president-elect. Broadway singer Jennifer Holliday cancelled her own involvement. The president-elect’s team have had no end of headaches in getting any notable entertainer to show up. “It’s like this, and don’t use my name,” an anonymous Republican insider told this reporter. “It’s not like there are a lot of successful Republicans in Hollywood, but those few that are out there want nothing to do with showing up for this whole thing. I mean, seriously? We’ve got Chachi and some guy who was in a soap opera twenty years ago and neither of who have worked since. Those are the only actors who want to be there. And we’ve got Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Toby Keith lined up to perform. This is hardly what you’d think of as A-list talent, you know what I mean?”

Scott Baio, forever doomed to be known as Chachi, or Charles, if you’re really stretching his resume to include Charles In Charge, has been boasting as of late that he will surely have a cabinet or diplomatic position waiting. “Secretary Of Entertaining Propaganda!” Baio declared in a bar in Los Angeles last week as onlookers rolled their eyes. “Or Ambassador to Bermuda! I can lie on the beach all week and work on my tan. I mean, really, how hard can it be to be an ambassador? They work, what? Two hours a month?”

Antonio Sabato Jr., the aforementioned former soap star, has other ambitions. Reached by reporters in Washington, where he’s attending the run-up to the inauguration, the one-time heart throb and one note actor, wants back in familiar territory. “I want back on General Hospital,” he explained. “And I want the whole show to revolve around me, and when I’m not on the screen, people should be asking where my character is. Oh, and I never get written out. That’s iron clad. Fortunately now we have a president-elect who’s going to make sure that happens. General Hospital will soon be retitled General Hospital, Starring The World’s Greatest Actor, Antonio Sabato Jr. Is that a great title or what? Hey, stop snickering!”

In Moscow, President Vladimir Putin, the five foot four tall wannabe Tsar, is pleased by the impending inauguration. “Da, I am happy,” he told reporters after his latest staged photo op designed to stave off the ravages of time and create the impression he’s a tough guy. It involved racing around on a snowmobile bare chested and crossing the finish line before other competitors- all of whom were clearly holding back. “We have our strings to pull and the new president does what I say. He is, what you call? Yes, he is a puppet. Good times, my friends. Good times for Vladimir! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to my hollowed out volcano base and prepare my doomsday death ray.”

The failure of any substantial music act to sign on for the inauguration has caused the Trump team a great deal of problems in the days leading up to the event. “It’s very simple, and don’t use my name,” a key insider for the transition told reporters while desperately smoking a cigarette. “Damn things’ll kill me someday, but hey, if you gotta go, why not take a drag on a Marlboro? Anyway, where were we? Oh, right. Springsteen told us to go **** ourselves and said he’d never play for that... well, he used a colourful metaphor. So, I yelled at him that it’s President Asshole to him, and he should just get in line and bow down at the feet of the greatest of all presidents. Long story short, I’ve now got a restraining order against me by Mr. Not Born In The USA Springsteen. To be fair, it’s the four hundred seventy first restraining order against me, but between you and me, none of that is my fault.”

And so desperate times have called for desperate measures. Instead of A-list talent, the key entertainers for the occasion are three musicians. If you want to call them musicians. Ted Nugent has been irrelevant since the 1970s, known more in recent years for rather extreme views and instability. Kid Rock, who peaked in the 1990s and inexplicably is still using the Kid label despite being a balding man in his mid-forties. Toby Keith is a country act known for shamelessly promoting himself as a true patriot and picking fights with anyone who disagrees. Not one of these three could really be considered A-list talent, but all spoke out in support of the president-elect at one point or another during the campaign.

The first anonymous Republican insider sighed at the prospects. “So we’ve got a racist lunatic who crapped himself to get out of ‘Nam. We’ve got a wash-up singer who thinks he’s still a kid. And we’ve got a country singer who’s known for picking fights with the Dixie Chicks. Did I mention Toby wants to be appointed the Secretary For Kicking People In The Hindquarters? That’s not the word he used. These are the people who are going to be performing. We’ve got a betting pool going on as to how long it takes Nugent to insult the West Coast. I’ve got twenty bucks down on thirty five seconds.”

The three musicians have been doing sound checks for their performances, appearing together on stage while preparations continued. Kid Rock has stapled his hat to his head, lest it blow off and reveal the state of his hairline. “No big fans!” he yelled on Tuesday to workers at the Capitol. “My hat blows off on Friday, I’m gonna take it out on you, Pedro! No, I don’t care what your name is, you look like a Pedro!”

Keith, who’s never seen without a cowboy hat (leaving one wondering about the state of his hairline), and who spent the early part of his career with the mullet from hell, shrugged at his colleague. “Have you tried superglue? Keeps the hat straight on, don’t need to worry about it.”

Nugent seemed unhinged, ceasing to play his guitar, and spoke to the others. “I’ll tell you this, if Obama is re-elected to a third term, I’ll be dead or in jail inside of six months. I guarantee it.”

Keith looked puzzled- one expects it to be a common occurrence to the singer. “Um, Ted, I might be wrong here, but I don’t think he can be re-elected. Besides, we’re playin’ for the president-elect. The new guy. Donald Trump, remember?”

Nugent looked wide eyed. “Wait a minute, I thought we were playing for my inauguration! Didn’t I get elected to be President?” The reporters sighed, collectively rolling their eyes, and walked away. Nugent yelled at them, knocking over the mike. “Hey! Get back here! Don’t you walk away from me when I’m talking to you! Pay attention to me!”

In the opinion of this reporter, it’s too bad the gun loving Nugent has never met with a hunting accident. Perhaps a hunting excursion with Dick Cheney could solve the problem.