Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, May 11, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Maple Leafs Fan

Some links before getting started. Norma had a Mother's Day post. Shelly also had a Mother's Day post. And so did Eve. Cheryl had a post on local crime. And the Whisk had a fun fact.

I return my attention today to the point of view of those deluded fools, fans of the perennial disappointment otherwise known as the Toronto Maple Leafs, who of course have spectacularly blown this last season, as usual. While other hockey teams are in the playoffs, they're busy playing golf. Their fans deserve every bit of scorn they get.

9:25 PM. At home. Jack and Harry and me, we’re ignorin’ the playoffs while havin’ a beer. I mean it’s not as if our Leafs are in the playoffs after the season our boys had, right? But we’re gonna set that right, man. We’re gonna get past the conspiracy that made our boys have a bad season. We’re gonna steal the Stanley Cup tonight. Leafs Nation, boys!

12:43 AM. In the car with Harry and Jack. Two blocks away from the Hockey Hall of Fame. Operation Take The Stanley Cup Back ready to go. Me and Harry and Jack have been workin’ weeks on this plan. And it’s gonna work. Sure, some Toronto fans have tried this before, but they weren’t us, am I right?

12:53 AM. Making our insertion into the Hall. You know, boys, that Ocean’s Eleven crew couldn’t have planned this better. Of course, we’re going after something lots more valuable than whatever the **** they were goin’ after.

1:03 AM. Run, boys! Run! We got the Cup! We got the Cup! Sure, there’s plenty of those alarms goin’ off behind us and those security guards are hot on our heels, but what can possibly go wrong now?

1:05 AM. Hustlin’ in the fan. Drivin’ outta here at full speed. Fortunately we put some mud on the plates, so it’s not like anyone can trace the plates, right? Yeah, man, we worked out every single detail on this plan, and it’s gonna work!

1:13 AM. Far enough way. Okay, boys, let’s slow down. Can’t get stopped by a cop for speedin’, right?

1:36 AM. Back at my place. Pullin’ the van into the garage. Boys, let’s get the Cup inside and get settled in. Lots more to do tonight.

1:45 AM. Got the Cup set up on my dinin’ room table. Looks pretty good there, don’t it boys? Yeah! Leafs Nation, baby!

1:53 AM. Okay, boys, time for the call to the media. Somethin’ to get our statement out there. List of demands. If the NHL ever wants to see the Stanley Cup again, they’ll bow to our wishes. Yeah!!!

2:01 AM. Puttin’ in a call to one of the local channels. Claimin’ responsibility for the Great Stanley Cup Liberation of 2015. Yeah, and here’s what we’re demandin’ the League do. First off, this year’s playoffs are over. Right now. Every other ****in’ team is out. As of right now, the Leafs are named 2015 Stanley Cup champions! Yeah, baby! Leafs Nation! Second, retroactively the Leafs are gonna be named Stanley Cup champions every single year since 1967! Sure, this has done before... don’t interrupt me! Third, we want forty eight ticker tape Stanley Cup parades for the Leafs with every single player who ever played for the franchise who’s still alive to make up for the forty eight parades we haven’t had since 1967.... well, not Tie Domi, because that guy’s a mouthy ****in’ bastard.

2:04 AM. ....and twenty seventh, we want free Timbits for everyone on the parade route. Not just single Timbits! Boxes of twenty! You got all that? You tell ‘em that if they don’t do what we say, we’re gonna have the Cup melted down! Yeah! Leafs Nation, baby!

2:35 AM. Me and Harry and Jack are gulpin’ champagne. Hey, boys, the Cup hasn’t had Toronto champagne drunk from the top in a long while. Why don’t we remedy that?

2:37 AM. Champagne tastes even better when it’s drunk right from the Stanley Cup.

5:53 AM. Wakin’ up with a hangover in my easy chair. Hey, boys, wake up! Mornin’ news ought to be coverin’ our big heist all over the place. Any luck, the League’s already agreed to our demands.

6:03 AM. The Great Stanley Cup Liberation’s all over the news. Police haven’t got much to say. Yeah, that’s ‘cause they’re all quakin’ in their boots right now scared that we’re gonna melt down the Cup.

7:15 AM. Still wonderin’ when the League’s goin’ to come out and capitulate to our demands. By the way, what the **** does capitulate mean?

10:46 AM. Me and Harry and Jack are gettin’ worried. Why aren’t we hearin’ anything about the NHL giving up and agreein’ to what we’re demandin’? Guys, I don’t know about you, but worrying makes me hungry. Gotta get some grub. Who’s for pizza?

11:05 AM. Knock at the door. Hey, boys! Pizza’s here!

11:06 AM. Openin’ the door. Cranky lookin’ cop standin’ right there. Hey, you’re not the pizza guy. The stupid ****er says his name is Lars Ulrich. I ask him why a Metallica drummer would dress up like a cop.

5:53 PM. Wakin’ up in a jail cell. Harry and Jack are with me. Geez, my head hurts. What happened, boys?

5:55 PM. Jack and Harry finish tellin’ me that the cop, some mouthy bastard Mountie, hit me square in the face and knocked me out. Then a whole buncha local cops swarmed in with him and arrested them. Geez, boys.... at least tell me the NHL gave in and carried out our demands.

10:48 PM. Well, we can see a television from our jail cell. Our arrest is all over the news. That Mountie’s the toast of the town as far as the NHL is concerned. The Leafs organization is denyin’ they had anythin’ to do with this. Harry and Jack and me are annoyed. Boys, don’t worry. We’ll get a lawyer. All we need is a jury of twelve Leafs fans, we’ll bawl our eyes out and express despair over the last forty eight years. We’re home free. Leafs fans understand each other’s pain, am I right?

Nothin’ to worry about. And trust me when I say this. Next year is our year, boys. Leafs Nation! The Cup’s gonna come home to the Leafs at last! Yeah! I mean, it’s not as if God or fate or some kind of hex could have this much against the Leafs, right? Am I right?

Of course I’m right!


  1. This is one sport I just never got into.

  2. I knew you'd take a shot at the Leafs!

  3. Love the Leafs' new coach picture!

    Poor babies. To have Lars catch them. So sad.

  4. I just do not understand !

    cheers, parsnip

  5. Mr. Bean as a coach. That would be something I'd watch. :D

  6. The leaf-less maple tree gave me a good giggle. I wish you'd do one of the posts about the UM football team--I think just same name-changes would be all that's needed :)

  7. @Kelly: and football and basketball are sports that I'll never be able to get into.

    @Norma: the Leafs more than deserve many, many shots.

    @Cheryl: at the rate they're going, they could get beaten by kids in grade three.

    @Parsnip: oh, that's okay!

    @Diane: well he at least wouldn't yell!

    @Meradeth: ah, but I can't grasp the rules of football, a serious hindrance to writing from that point of view. I do know some teams have bad records. I could write the point of view of a Super Bowl fan next year and have them completely ignore what's happening on field.

  8. Bwahahahahah!!! No, but he'll give his team the silent treatment. :D


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