Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, May 30, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:36 AM. Waking up at home. How did that staff of mine get out of bed without waking me up? I must have been sound asleep. Well, no matter. I’ll have to go instruct her to make some breakfast post haste.

7:39 AM. I have located the staff precisely where I expected to find her, in the kitchen tending to breakfast. Cereal today. Staff, you might not be making any eggs and bacon for yourself this morning, but I expect a couple of strips of bacon, post haste!

7:41 AM. The staff disappoints me yet again by putting down a bowl of field rations.

7:44 AM. Meowing loudly at the back door, demanding to be let out. 

7:46 AM. Out on the back deck. Surveying my domain. No sign of birds.

7:57 AM. I can hear the barking of that annoying mutt off in the distance. Just as long as he keeps his distance. 

8:36 AM. Chasing some dragonflies on the lawn. Get back here, you!

9:15 AM. Exploring the meadow. Hmmm, what’s that smell? Catnip? It is!

9:16 AM. Sniffing the catnip and rolling around the plant. In a state of ecstasy. Okay, I’ll admit it, I’m addicted to the stuff.

9:47 AM. The staff calls me back inside. Very well, staff, I hope this means you’ve made a triple decker tuna cake for me in compensation for that breakfast.

9:48 AM. Staff? Where is my tuna cake?

10:01 AM. It seems the staff is getting ready to go out somewhere. Staff, this is entirely unacceptable. This is the weekend, after all, and it is your duty to pay attention to me. Although if this happens to involve your going out to see those idiot relations of yours, better at their home than inviting them here. I really don’t like those kids.

10:15 AM. And the staff is out the front door with the keys. Yes, she’s going off for the day. No idea when she’ll be back. I’ll have to entertain myself for the rest of the day.

12:38 PM. Waking up out of a nap. No sign of the staff. How long does it take to get whatever she has to do done, anyway? 

1:06 PM. After some internal debate, I eat some of the field rations. The staff had better make up for this at dinner, or there will be hell to pay.

1:13 PM. Turning on the Weather Channel after taking a glance outside. Nice and sunny outside. The halfwit forecaster looks panicked, and is going on and on about human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. And they wonder why no one takes that profession seriously.

3:35 PM. Waking up from another nap. The staff still isn’t home?

3:52 PM. Just noticing the linen closet door upstairs is open. I wonder what I can get into in there.

3:54 PM. Success! A ball of yarn! Oh, the trouble I can get into with one of these....

4:46 PM. Surveying the full unraveling of the yarn ball. You know, when I start playing with one of these things, I’m never quite sure how I got through that nook, under that cranny, and around that piano. 

5:15 PM. The staff arrives home. Well, it’s about time you showed up! She sees the first of the unravelled yarn, looks at me, and rolls her eyes. Hey, this wouldn’t happen if you had properly closed that door. So really, this is on you.

5:27 PM. The staff is busy picking up the string and muttering something about why she didn’t just buy a ferret. Oh come on, you were meant to be my staff! I walk up to her and head-butt her leg, purring. The staff gives me a good pat. Works every time.

6:32 PM. Having dinner with the staff. She’s cut up some chicken strips for me. Very tasty with a side of milk. 

7:02 PM. Supervising the staff while she does the dishes. Humans must be carefully watched at all times.

11:16 PM. Watching national news with the staff. That guy from the Weather Channel got fired for being drunk on the job. Well, that explains that bizarre rant and use of the Ghostbusters quote earlier today. As if dogs and cats could ever live together.

11:45 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Don’t close the door, I’ll probably be upstairs sometime. After I call the pizza shop and have them send a tuna pizza with extra anchovies.


  1. The one with the toys under the chest or whatever is what got to me. We've got two of these furry rascals and they love to "lose" stuff under stuff and then watch me try to get it out for them. Hmm...who's the dumb one now?

  2. Of course it's our fault when our cats get into trouble! The poor darlings would never be tempted if we didn't leave doors cracked and ink out in plain view!

    And thunder is indeed the great equalizer!

  3. ..a hug around the neck with a rope. Grumpy Cat never disappoints!

  4. You're a hoot. You nailed it, well, clawed it!

  5. So much fun in today's post.
    and of course I love The Last Selfie !

    cheers, parsnip

  6. @Lowell: cats did that under my dad's piano- every once in awhile you'd take a tool and sweep under it, and out would come all sorts of knick knacks cats had batted under there.

    @Cheryl: cats don't like thunder!

    @Lynn: she definitely does not.

    @Jennifer: thank you!

    @Parsnip: thanks!

  7. As crappy as I feel right now, you still managed to make me laugh!

  8. You outdid yourself today. Loved the Ninja and Cat Hopper.

  9. The last selfie! Lol

    Have I ever told you I have a bulimic cat? It's not fun.

  10. OMG, the fat cat needs to go on a diet! LOL

  11. Had to have the cat sticking out its tongue. It's on my desktop, so I can laugh every time I turn this contraption on.
    Loved it. Thanks William!

  12. I laughed out loud at the Darth kitten,


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