Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

All Megalomaniacal Robots Must Come To A Bad End

Some links before getting started. Norma had reflections on her old neighbourhood. Parsnip had Square Dog news. Eve has been finishing up the A-Z challenge. Krisztina had a smoothie idea. Maria wrote about breaking the rules in writing. And the Whisk had this image.

Today I have something different, what with the Avengers sequel nearly upon us...

Alternate Reality Robot Brought To Tears After Meeting Its Match

Calgary (CP) Robotics engineers and scientists have debated the notion of whether or not robots will ever be able to attain emotional capacities. Now the world knows that at least one can cry like a baby. In what experts are calling a trans-dimensional crossing, a robotic being calling itself Ultron pierced dimensional barriers from another reality. It began tearing a swath of destruction from the American Mid-West northwest into Canadian territory. Uncertain of what they were dealing with, leaders in the United States and Canada were scrambling for information while the robot dispatched any threat put in its way and wrecked havoc everywhere. The American President found himself bickering with House and Senate leaders, who demanded a rider be attached to any bill meant to deal with the threat allowing them to arm every child in a kindergarten. The Canadian Prime Minister issued a statement saying whatever this was, it would not be permitted to interfere with his tar sands. Then he went to hide in an alcove.

The robot continued its rampage. Witnesses reported hearing it speaking non-stop in what was best described as a running tirade of exposition and megalomaniacal threats. West of Calgary, Ultron met its match in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. Its path stopped at a very specific RCMP detachment. Waiting there was the legendary RCMP Inspector, Lars Ulrich. The cranky lawman, often mistaken by dimwitted entertainment reporters for the Metallica drummer by the same name, recently brought down the threat posed by a mad scientist. He stood outside, watching the robot come straight for him.

What was said between them is not entirely known. Ulrich said not so much as a word. Ultron prattled on for several minutes. Witnesses overheard phrases such as annihilation of humanity, homicidal urges, malevolent vileness, and fluffy kittens coming from the robot. Ulrich simply stared at the robot. And stared. And stared. And stared some more. Finally Ultron stopped talking. Its body seemed to be shaking- witnesses weren’t sure why. And then the sounds of agonized sobs started to come from the robot. It collapsed to its knees, weeping profusely.

Someone else arrived on site. An armoured man in gold and red, came out of the sky and settled down at the detachment, staring at the weeping Ultron and the stoic Mountie. Words were exchanged between the Mountie and the newcomer, whose faceplate slid back to reveal the face of a man. Ultron was swiftly dispatched to a wrecking yard, put into a compactor, and reduced to a cube of half a square metre. The cube was then tossed into an active volcano.

An explanation was forthcoming. Ulrich and the newcomer appeared before gathered members of the press. No entertainment reporters were allowed access to the site. “I’m Iron Man of the Avengers,” the newcomer said. “I came through the same dimensional threshold as Ultron. Well, an Ultron duplicate. It’s a very long story, but my team and I were fighting that homicidal robot and an army of duplicate Ultrons on our Earth, and that duplicate got away. So I came to chase it, and here I am. I just never expected to see Ultron reduced to tears.”

Ulrich shrugged. “The Ulrich family glare comes in handy when dealing with megalomaniacs,” he noted with a shrug. “It leaves them bawling and broken, every single time.”

“I asked him to come over and join our Avengers,” Iron Man explained. “But when I told him we have hundreds of thousands of entertainment reporters in my dimension, he declined. The inspector seems to find thousands of them already annoying enough.”

“You would too if they were always confusing you with the drummer from Metallica,” Ulrich replied. “I mean, honestly, just because we share the same name...” 

Iron Man paused for a moment. “Wait a minute.... the Metallica drummer in this reality is also named Lars Ulrich?” he asked.

Ulrich nodded. “Yes, and don’t go asking me if we’re related...”

Iron Man shook his head. “Not at all, I wouldn’t think of doing that. It’s just that in my reality, the Metallica drummer’s name is Jebediah “Skeeter” Winterbottom.”

Iron Man was soon off again, back to his own dimension. Inspector Ulrich returned to his detachment. And overnight, the name Jebediah “Skeeter” Winterbottom became the most searched term online, effectively breaking the internet. The Jebediah Winterbottom of this dimension, a lawyer in North Carolina, slammed the door on reporters after insisting that he never learned how to play the drums. "Music requires soul!" he bellowed. "And I'm a lawyer! Everyone knows lawyers don't have souls!"


  1. Just so you know, robots can be taught to have an emotional response, not necessarily feel emotion. lol

  2. Acck. Not sure what's worse lawyers or robots. I'm not crazy about either one of them and I'm kind of surprised my grandfather was a lawyer.

  3. Lol That Ironman pic about Optimus Prime really cracked me up.

  4. I knew Lars could bring Ultron down!

  5. I'm surprised Lars wasn't more interested in going to the other universe since his name wouldn't be that of the Metallica drummer!

  6. @Diane: oh boy!

    @Eve: lawyers are much worse.

    @Kelly: thanks!

    @Norma: of course!

    @Cheryl: his hatred of entertainment reporters took the day.

  7. Thanks for the shout out.

    Robots with feelings, why not. I think Rosie from The Jetsons fell in love one time.

  8. Hah! This is hilarious. Arming every kindergartner...sounds about right for some of the wackos in congress.

  9. We're going to need that anti-megalomaniacal Ulrich family glare here in a couple of years, when Hillary starts her third term as President.

  10. I've always preferred emotionally stunted robots!

  11. Thank goodness for Lars. But in this reality the robots are coming - or they're already here. And they're smarter that 99.9% of the idiots in our Congress!

  12. OMG! Lars better hug that robot. In Japan, the have sex-bots, you know.


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