Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Downfall Of A Mad Scientist

Some links before getting started. Norma is doing an interview with me which can be found at Blogger and Wordpress. Parsnip had some photos. And Eve continues to do the A-Z challenge.

Now then, earlier this month I posted a blog about a certain mad scientist. This, therefore, is the follow up.

Mad Scientist Super Villain Foiled By Cranky Lawman; Vows That He Will Have His Revenge

Calgary (CP). After days of posturing and making multiple threats, mad scientist Magnus Von Malice was taken into custody and charged with multiple criminal charges. The super villain, who claimed responsibility for the recent re-emergence of numerous dead Z-list celebrities, and threatened to unleash a plague of them upon the earth if his demands were not met, was in a foul mood while appearing in court and being told he had no prospects of making bail.

“You can’t do this to me!” he bellowed at a judge in a court in Calgary, Canada, while being restrained by court guards and security personnel. “I’ll get you for this! Nobody does this to Magnus Von Malice and lives to see next year!”

Von Malice, graduate of the Zeppelin Von Blood Academy For Ethically Challenged Scholars, had created technology allowing him to pierce the time stream and remove several dead celebrities from the moment before their deaths, creating a temporal paradox in which one version of them died and the other was left to live. He also enlisted a horde of living Z-list celebrities willing to do his bidding. “He told us he could make sure we’d stay famous,” former Beverly Hills 90210 star Luke Perry explained to reporters. “How could we not sign up with him? I mean, seriously, I’ve got guys who want to break my knees if I don’t pay them six figures by the end of the month... which reminds me, does anyone have a couple hundred grand they can lend me?”

David Hasselhoff, the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and others have been among the previously believed dead celebrities to have returned from the dead in recent days. Aside from Ziering and Reid, the others met a bad end at the teeth of the most dangerous being in the entire galaxy.

Von Malice’s evil plan terrified the world. Leaders around the planet speculated on the potential plague a horde of Z-list celebrities could cause across the world. Entertainment journalists gushed about the prospect of 24 hours a day coverage of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills taking over the International Criminal Court. The people of Denmark worried that they would be reduced to serving as life sized chess pieces for Von Malice and his right hand man Igor. And Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has been busy making trouble in the Ukraine ever since losing face and bawling like a baby when his attempt to take over the world failed miserably at the closing ceremonies of the Sochi Olympics, offered to arm wrestle Von Malice if the rest of the world handed over all security and banking codes to his safekeeping.

The rest of the world, meanwhile, gave Putin the finger and, and requested real help: the man who reduced Putin to tears at that aforementioned Olympics. RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich, the legendary Mountie, world’s most dangerous man, and thoroughly cranky lawman, was enlisted in the effort to hunt down Von Malice. The Canadian government grudgingly allowed his participation. “Admittedly, the Prime Minister hates the Inspector,” a spokesperson for the Canadian Department of Justice told reporters on the condition of keeping their name off the record. “On the one hand, the Inspector once kicked his ass when he became a hundred foot giant on a rampage. On the other hand, deep down, the Prime Minister really is a gutless coward who doesn’t like being reminded that he’s a gutless coward, and courage by others reminds him of that. Inspector Ulrich having had saved the world on multiple occasions certainly reminds him of how much of a snivelling cretin he really is. Did I mention we really want to see this government turfed out in the next election?”

It was confirmed afterwards that the entire operation was kept secret until it was all over. Reports that the Inspector was busy hunting down a former Entertainment Tonight correspondent through Alberta and Saskatchewan were circulated to explain his absence during the operation. “I was happy to help by lying low and keeping out of sight, pretending to be hunted by a relentless Mountie,” Chip Braun told reporters at his Seattle radio station, where he co-hosts Chip And Zonker In The Morning with Zach “Zonker” Kazlowski. “I mean, I learned my lesson the first time when I mistook him for that Metallica drummer. The Inspector beating the living daylights out of me seemed to have knocked some sense into me. I quit the Hollywood star circuit, got into the radio business, and I’m up every day at the crack of dawn making jokes about vomit and teasing the traffic guy every five minutes. If you ask me, it’s a step up.”

Ulrich moved swiftly with the assistance of law enforcement agencies worldwide. Within two days, Ulrich tracked the mad scientist, who had set up his operations in a former Reform Party campaign compound in British Columbia. Preston Manning, the mentor of Prime Minister Harper and leader of the Reform Party that later ended up hijacking the Conservatives in Canada, denied any connection to the super villain. “Look, you can’t go around making unfounded accusations about the party we rednecks founded back in the day,” Manning insisted to reporters.  “Just because Magnus was one of our biggest contributors and helped draft policy doesn’t mean... wait, did I say that out loud?”

The RCMP issued a statement about what transpired next. The Inspector went in with backup, but not in the form of other Mounties. His backup was a small dog, later confirmed to be Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds, the same dog who mauled, annihilated, and destroyed two sets of Z-list celebrities in the Celebrity Hunt reality shows. “Fluffy didn’t like that Von Malice cheated him out of a few well earned maulings by messing around with the time stream,” spokesperson Constable Alison Churchill told reporters. “So he had a score to settle. And frankly, Fluffy and Lars understand each other. Kindred spirits, as Lucy Maud Montgomery would say. They’re both cranky.”

Ulrich and Fluffy infiltrated Von Malice’s secret headquarters by kicking the doors in. While Fluffy contented himself with destroying Von Malice’s time machine, Ulrich spent his time beating the mad scientist into a bloody pulp. Churchill confirmed that Von Malice was dragged out by the foot by Ulrich, while Fluffy barked at him in a vicious fury. Von Malice was protesting repeatedly about the Inspector having the audacity to hit a man with glasses, and swearing revenge. “Inspector Ulrich told him in some colourful language, well... to shut up. That’s as much as I can say without setting off swear word bleeping,” Churchill explained.

In the aftermath, the machinery that allowed Von Malice to access time is beyond repair. Von Malice faces numerous charges, which he refuses to acknowledge, telling the judge in open court, “this isn’t the last you’ve heard of Magnus Heinrich Von Malice! I’ll be revenged!” And the Inspector has returned to life as usual in his detachment in the Alberta foothills. Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds, has moved on to Skull Island, where he is busy making King Kong cry.

One problem lingers. The destruction of the device did not send the previously dead Z-list celebrities back into the timestream.  They walk around again, alive and well, demanding attention, seeking to ink deals with reality shows. They speak of making sequels to cheesy films for cheesy networks. Ian Ziering and Tara Reid are busy making another Sharknado film. Ziering managed to get a role for his former castmate Luke Perry. “I’ve gotta tell you, I’m glad I got this part,” Perry told reporters after learning the news. “The bookies aren’t going to break my legs now.”

Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, and Kylie- the horde of talentless twits making up the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, are already planning a new season of reality shows and turning up on thousands of tabloid covers for the next three years. They say they are pleased that Von Malice didn’t resurrect their mother or Kim’s late husband Kanye, who died last year when he was hit by a meteorite. “To be honest,” Kim told reporters while shopping at Saks. “Our mother was an insufferable self absorbed buffoon. And to be even more brutally honest, I was bored out of my mind being married to that egotistical ass. I mean, there’s only room in this world for one inflated ego, and that’s me. By the way, don’t quote me on that, I’m still trying to secure every single cent I can get out of his estate.”

Von Malice stews in a jail cell tonight, still nursing his wounds after being beaten up by the world’s most dangerous man. No doubt he dreams of revenge. No doubt he already has a plan of escape. And no doubt the world’s most dangerous man will be there to kick his ass yet again.

Just don’t ask the Inspector if he’s taking time off from Metallica.


  1. The only time I ever find these people entertaining is when you write about them.

  2. I just knew Lars and Fluffy would make a good team.

    Now, if they'd just rid the world of those idiots in the Kardashian-Jenner clan. Just saw a pic of daddy (mommy?) Bruce in a dress this morning. He's going to be one really ugly woman....

  3. I think Ulrich has found the perfect partner!

    Not for the band, of course.

  4. Ditto to what Kelly said :) Also, Fluffy should visit my freshman classes--he might scare them into studying.

  5. I actually liked Putin until the negative news about his narcissistic tendencies poked fun. I'm not sure I believe ALL the news, but so many similar releases just ruined him for me! :)

  6. Lars is great but Fluffy is perfect !

    cheers, parsnip

  7. @Lynn: and plenty of crankiness.

    @Kelly: otherwise they are a scourge.

    @Norma: I saw a pic the other day of the Kardashian Jenners with the caption along the lines of "what are we going to do now to get plenty of ratings?"

    @Cheryl: Fluffy would never confuse him for the Metallica drummer.

    @Meradeth: he would scare anyone!

    @Diane: these days he's a lunatic.

    @Parsnip: thank you!

  8. Lars and Fluffy...what a team. Send them to the Capitol here in the USA and see if they can encourage a few of our Republican nogoodniks to act like adults on occasion.

  9. You're right about the Kim's marriages and Ebola.


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