Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, January 5, 2015

The Wedding Of The Millennium

Some links before we get going. Yesterday having had been a Sunday, we had a Snippet Sunday post at our joint blog. Krisztina had her January letter from the editor at her blog. And she had a recipe here as well.

Now then, to today's mischief. This might not make sense if you haven't read this post first, and even then, it's been quite awhile since I've published it, so go on over and give it a read before you carry on with this.

Two Narcissists Stage Self Centered Wedding And Demand Attention Of The World

Los Angeles (AP) Katherine Heigl married Katherine Heigl this weekend in a lavish over the top ceremony in front of invited guests and cameras, documented for posterity and the inevitable DVD and Netflix market ventures. That might sound confusing if you haven’t paid much attention to entertainment news in the last year. The actress, currently starring in the underwhelming State of Affairs after a string of box office failures such as One For The Money, and a prima donna exit from the pointless Grey’s Anatomy series, raised eyebrows several months ago by committing an act strictly frowned upon by science. With the aid of mad scientist Doctor Otto von Frankenstein, she accessed parallel dimensions in search of an alternate Katherine Heigl.

And she found her perfect counterpart. For many who have thought Katherine Heigl has always loved herself more than anyone else, the venture proved the notion. An alternate reality Katherine Heigl crossed into this dimension, and the two self-absorbed Katherine Heigls really hit it off in a whirlwind romance of sex, self-promotion, debauchery, exhibitionism, and pay-attention-to-us demands for affection of the public. The opinion of scientists and reporters that they had committed a serious ethical breach by crossing dimensions was irrelevant to the two Katherines, who had fallen madly in love with the only person they could possibly love- themselves- and were planning on getting married.

 The wedding took place at their sprawling estate in Bel-Air, where three hundred guests turned up, including cast members of State of Affairs and Grey’s Anatomy. The former included Alfre Woodard, who plays the American President on the series, and Sheila Vand, who plays a colleague of Heigl’s character on the show. The latter included Ellen Pompeo and Patrick Dempsey. Many more stars- if one could call them that, because there was nary a George Clooney, Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie to be seen- were in attendance. “You know, I’m only here because there was a clause in my contract that everyone has to go out of their way to make Katherine happy,” Woodard admitted to reporters on her way in.

Vand agreed. “You’ve got to tell the world. She’s got her hooks in all of us! Or should I say both Katherine Heigls have their hooks in all of us!”

Dempsey looked confused when reporters asked him on his way in about his presence. “Hasn’t she been off the show for years? Why am I even here? And really, why is the show still on the air? It’s gotten really stale. Oh, wait... are you quoting me? Please don’t tell Shonda I said that.”

The Shonda in question was the creator of Grey’s Anatomy, Shonda Rhimes, who was also in attendance. She smiled in a vague way while Dempsey made his getaway. “Let’s let bygones be bygones. It doesn’t matter who screamed at who, or who threw a fit. Katherine’s happy to be making a life with Katherine as a married couple, so we should celebrate that and let the past be the past.”

The gardens were decorated for the occasion with attention to detail at every step. Photographs of the happy couple could be found everywhere. Classical musicians played here and there, mostly music that the two Katherines had personally approved of. Most surprising, however, was the absence of Nancy Heigl, the mother of Katherine, who has been often referred to as the real instigator of Katherine Heigl’s rampant runaway ego. “The stage mother from hell,” Ellen Pompeo was quoted as saying before the wedding.

“Yes, Katherine’s parents Nancy and Paul are absent today,” a spokeswoman, Kristen Calliwell, confirmed to reporters. “There have been some disagreements in the family over the last few months, business ties have been broken, and that is all Katherine and Katherine are willing to go into detail about it.”

Woodard gave some insight into the matter. “It seems Nancy doesn’t like that Katherine has someone else in her life that matters more to her than her. That offends her own supremely overdeveloped ego. Has anyone mentioned to you that Nancy Heigl is the stage mother from the seventh circle of hell? Because she completely is.”

Katherine Heigl being Katherine Heigl, it was an unconventional if self-absorbed wedding straight off the start. The service was officiated by Helen Atchison, the same judge who deemed the Heigl & Heigl wedding technically legal last month. Same sex weddings have been legal in the state since 2008, but actually marrying a cross dimensional alternate of yourself brought certain legal questions up. “It’s not incest if you’re marrying yourself, so to speak. And it’s not quite masturbation, either,” Atchison’s ruling stated in what has become an ongoing punchline for late night comedians. “However, it is valid. At least on this occasion.”

The brides made their entrance together, again going against the regular convention. The musicians started playing appropriate wedding melodies. Doves were released into the air. Various actors fawned over the couple. Reporters doomed to cover the whole affair rolled their eyes. The brides reached the front of the garden where Judge Atchison was waiting, and the wedding began. The happy couple recited their own wedding vows, going on and on about how they were the most gloriously perfect women in all the world and they were meant to be together and that the whole world should pay attention to them. By this point, this reporter was thinking of losing himself in a bottle of scotch or knocking his head against the wall in an attempt to make the pain go away.

Judge Atchison pronounced the Katherines married. The brides shared a kiss- all the deeper for more attention, of course- and beamed at their guests. “Yay! We’re married!” one of the Katherine Heigls declared. Which of them was which Katherine Heigl was another matter; both of them look exactly alike and were committing what this reporter has been told is a cardinal sin among women- they were wearing the exact same wedding dress.

The brides went down the aisle together, happily married, and smiling in a delirious way that suggested that being Katherine Heigl probably required a certain amount of being delirious. The happy couple would go through some of the traditional conventions of a wedding- photographs, first dance, throwing wedding bouquets, peeling off the garter belt, an hour's worth of fireworks- before heading off on a honeymoon tour of Europe, certain they would be the toast of every party they attended.

This reporter learned later that a related incident happened in Alberta, Canada, where a correspondent with Entertainment Tonight Canada sought out the opinion of the wedding from a Mountie at an RCMP detachment in the Rockies. When asked why Metallica had skipped the wedding of the millennium, Inspector Lars Ulrich glared at the reporter for a moment, muttered that he didn’t care less about Katherine Heigl, clarified that he wasn’t that Lars Ulrich, and decked the reporter.


  1. Okay, I never watched Grey's Anatomy but a colleague at work raved about it several years ago. Now I'm wanting to find out why this Katherine is such a brat. :)

    I so love drama. Thanks for sharing. This was a hoot!

  2. Oh, that is sooo funny! You hit lots of nails on the head here! Very creative. Unfortunately, too true!

  3. I might have to read this entry one more time. I do watch her new show, but I do prefer Homeland.

  4. Remember the lighting bolts and drones I mention before after some of your posts.... well forget them.
    If you have two yes, two Katherines coming after you.... I don't really want to be standing near you !

    cheers, parsnip

  5. Um, I take it you don't care for Katherine Heigle....Higle...Heigl???

  6. @Diane: just thirty second ads for the series on television were enough to put me off ever wanting to watch a single episode. But I did sit through One For The Money, which was an appallingly bad adaptation.

    @Lowell: unfortunately!

    @Stefan: my sense of humour tends to get pretty demented at times.

    @Parsnip: two Katherines, both with fingernails ready to gouge my eyes out.

    @Cheryl: is it that obvious?

  7. I wonder if the people you write about ever get Google alerts with your posts. ;)

  8. I was wondering the same thing as Kelly :) And I kind of hated Grey's for having a "Meredith" (spelled different, thank goodness). Could never watch the show.

  9. I'm still mad at her for ruining one of my favorite book series.

  10. Me too, Mark! How dare she mess with Stephanie Plum! How could Janet Evanovich let her anywhere near Stephanie?

    One TV reviewer recently said he found it hard to buy into her playing a dedicated government agent when she's made her reputation as, and I quote, "a loudmouthed prima donna."

    1. She was so totally, totally wrong for that role. I would have picked Sandra Bullock when she was younger, but "anyone but who they picked" comes close to fitting in this case.

  11. @Whisk: I like my chances.

    @Kelly: they wouldn't like it, particularly, for instance, if they were Rob or Doug Ford.

    @Meradeth: the popularity of that show baffles me.

    @Mark: they can always do a new movie with a proper choice for the lead role a few years down the line.

    @Norma: Janet must have been tired the day she agreed to that.

  12. This was awesome. Reading this I realized I don't remember her in anything. I never watched Grey's Anatomy. Don't know why she keeps getting work.


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