Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, January 19, 2015

The Angry Korean Hobbit Meets His Doom

Some links before we get started today. Yesterday having had been a Sunday, we had a Snippet Sunday post at our joint blog. Krisztina had a recipe. Parsnip took a look at the Arizona Inn. Shelly wrote about oddities in Disney movies. Maria wrote about MLK's I Have A Dream speech. The Whisk had a fun fact. Kittie is taking on the A-Z challenge in April. Hilary had Lucy make an appearance. And Mark had an appearance by Bae.

Now then, to the day's expected brand of nonsense and tomfoolery....

Lunatic Despot Gets His Comeuppance, Breaks Down Into Tears

Washington, D.C. (CP) After weeks of an international standoff between North Korea and pretty much the rest of the planet, events took an unexpected turn in recent weeks. Kim Jong-Un, the short and squat third member of a family with delusions of grandeur to control the pariah state of North Korea, has been acting out as of late, making threats against a backdrop of hacker attacks, feigned outrage over a film, and insinuations that he’s really not as short as people believe he is (he really is, despite what the Hobbit wannabe would have you believe).

The film The Interview, in which James Franco and Seth Rogen play two American journalists co-opted by the CIA to kill the North Korean leader, seemed to have touched off the outrage. North Korean officials issued increasingly harsh demands that the film be banned, with one diplomat reportedly holding his breath until he got his way- he made it a minute and a half before he passed out. A cyberhacking incident at Sony led to harsh accusations against North Korea. Kim Jong-Un merely responded with terse and enigmatic statements and more demands. Among them was a complaint of outrage that he had not been cast as Bilbo Baggins in Peter Jackson’s trilogy adaptation of The Hobbit. “I could have been Bilbo!” he reportedly hollered into the phone in a conversation with the Chinese ambassador.

The world has been at a loss as to what to do. Sanctions would be one thing, but the country is already the most isolated in the world, cut off from the rest of the planet, a nation filled with starving people terrified of a family of despots that have held them hostage in what many describe as a national cult of personality. Dropping a few bombs just to teach the Korean Hobbit a lesson in humility might sound like a good idea, but with China not that far away geographically speaking, no one really wanted to provoke a war with North Korea. “They’re all scared of me!” Kim told a massive crowd of his countrymen at a rally last week where he spoke for three hours. “They know I will rain down on them a firestorm of Korean hot sauce revenge! Wait, I said that wrong. All of you forget I said hot sauce! Forget it, or the person next to you will shoot you in the head!”

Nigel Rutherford, a professor at Harvard with expertise in Far East affairs, had a different view, and said so in a forthright, informal manner. “The simple fact of the matter is that Kim Jong-Un is crazy. Well, actually, calling him crazy is like calling Crater Lake a pond. It’ll have to do though. His father was insane, and so was his grandfather. The family are all a pack of lunatics who have carved up North Korea into an armed camp filled with citizens terrified of their own shadow, terrified that their neighbour might inform on them, and it’s become, well, downright cultish. It doesn’t help that Kim’s really short- as we all know, short politicians tend to try to make up for it by becoming dictators, biting off more than they can chew, and picking fights with everyone around them. He’s trying to compensate for shortcomings. And when you add in that awful haircut, you’re talking about a man who on every single level is totally screwed up.”

Rutherford’s remarks ring true in another section of the dictator’s remarks during that rally. “We will march all over the world!” he boasted. “We will show the world that we are not to be laughed at or taken lightly! No one insults Kim Jong-Un and lives to see their grandchildren! By the power of the flying weasels, we will send our enemies fleeing in horror before us! We will burn their childhood toys and infest them with whipping cream!”

A response in the form of one man, a specialist, was dispatched into North Korea last night, in quiet agreement between various national governments. It was later confirmed that the Chinese government promised no intervention, as long as the specialist removed himself from North Korean soil as quickly as possible after he was done. An American military stealth aircraft sent the specialist over the border at high altitude, dropping into Pyongyang in a HALO jump during another Kim rally. The specialist, in fact, was a Canadian, a man who has saved the world on repeated occasions, including from a Muppet supervillain, the Russian President, and a cabal of entertainment journalists bent on world domination. It was the world’s most dangerous man, RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich.

The inspector successfully made the jump, crashing yet another self glorification rally for the North Korean leader in spectacular fashion. The dictator, who had been busy eating a cheesecake, looked startled. Soldiers sworn to protect the height-challenged leader were quickly and overwhelmingly throttled and beaten up by the Mountie. Other soldiers, seeing how one man had decimated fifty of their own within seconds, beat a hasty retreat, leaving the Mountie on the stage with the North Korean leader, while an audience of thousands of North Korean citizens looked on from below.

The images were caught on television and later broadcast to the world; there was a stark contrast between the short Korean Hobbit and the Mountie, who stood tall and menacing. Kim stared at the Mountie, barking orders, demanding that someone shoot the intruder. Finally he blurted out in broken English, “Fine, I’ll beat you up myself!” He strode right up to the Mountie and hit him in the stomach. Ulrich shrugged that off, and decked Kim Jong-Un.

What followed was an epic beatdown to end all beatdowns, in full view of thousands of North Korean citizens, none of whom stepped up to defend their leader. It ended with the lunatic despot bloodied, on his hands and knees and in tears, begging for mercy. Instead the Inspector picked him up by one ear, holding him still with the one hand. He reached into his pack with the other.... pulling out a razor, and proceeded to shave off the Korean Hobbit’s hair.

When it was all done, the broken and battered Kim stared at his discarded hair, and then up at the Mountie, who looked grim and gritty. “Why?” he asked in English through sobs. “Are you some kind of Seth Rogen fan or something?”

“Not at all,” the Mountie replied. “I can’t stand him. You, on the other hand, are a loud mouthed short little punk with delusions of grandeur who’s spent years holding an entire country hostage.”

That seemed to annoy Kim. “Hey! I am not short! And why is the drummer from Metallica here anyway?”

Ulrich glared at him, sneered, and said, “I am not that Lars Ulrich!” The inspector kicked the dictator in the face, knocking him unconscious, and looked around at the assembled citizens staring at him in silence. For a long moment, no one moved. Then a great cheer rose up from the multitudes.

In the aftermath, much has changed. Kim Jong-Un has been taken into custody and charged with multiple crimes. A provisional government is being organized in North Korea. The crowds in Pyongyang asked Inspector Ulrich to become the new President of North Korea, but the Inspector politely declined, saying through interpreters that he had done what he came to do, taking his leave.

The last word belongs to the Other Lars Ulrich, the deafened and slightly demented drummer from Metallica, who indeed looks nothing like the handsome but fierce Mountie from Canada. Entertainment reporters tracked him down at his home, where he seemed confused and annoyed. “Look, I haven’t been in North Korea, I’ve never met Kim Jong-Un and wouldn’t care to, and I don’t know why you’re asking me why I turned down becoming the latest Glorious Leader of the People’s Republic.”


  1. umm no worries about lighting bolts raining down on you with one.
    As your last photo implies your safe today.

    cheers, parsnip

  2. Can't say he doesn't deserve your lambasting him! Hope his followers aren't as radical as those of the Prophet Mohammed!

  3. It's about time you gave Lars another post!

    I still can't believe anyone would start a war over Seth Rogen and James Franco....

  4. Great satire. But I never knew you were a Mountie!

    However, from what I hear Lil' Kim has spies all over Canada. They are hard to find, though, 'cause they're as short as he is. But, you'd better watch your back after writing this piece because they might find you and take you back to North Korea and crown you king!

  5. @Parsnip: let's just say North Korean technology falls far behind Looney Tunes technology at this point.

    @Cheryl: I find myself wondering what they'll do when the little twit is dead.

    @Norma: Lars pretty much demanded it!

    @Shelly: thank you!

    @Lowell: The thing with Lil' Kim is all you have to do is touch his forehead. Those stubby little arms can swing away trying to hit you, but to no avail.

  6. Funny post! I honestly just shook my head over his kerfuffle--Rogen and Franco make me ill and I was stunned to see how far this whole mess went.

  7. Lars sure is busy these days! (:
    Good stuff, William!

  8. Wow, haven't seen a floppy disk in a LONG time!

  9. Fun post (that hit the mark on so much). I'd missed Lars so delighted to find him really in the thick of things. Hard to believe a nothing movie caused such a stir.

  10. I'm sorry, but I can't see how that country can deny they have an idiot in charge. Someone needs to just be the hero once and for all and end it. Seriously, he's a kid!


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.