Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, June 2, 2014

A Day In The Life Of A Drunken Mayor

Before we get things started today, some links to check out first of all. Yesterday was a Snippet Sunday, so check out our Snippet Sunday post. AngryParsnip wrote about the anniversary of her mother's birthday yesterday. Lorelei had a bit of a rant at her page. Krisztina had her pic of the week post up at her page. And Cheryl has a book announcement.

Now then, we return to the point of view of the world's dumbest human being, Toronto's crack smoking mayor Rob Ford, who likes to claim that he's in rehab at the moment. For those of us who think everything he says is bull, you'll understand if we remain skeptical of anything the douchebag has to say.

For the record, writing in his voice is creepy. 

9:55 AM. Waking up suddenly out of nightmare. Slept bad. Dreamed about being chased by Godzilla. Last thing I remember was that huge foot coming down to stomp on me when I fell. Jeez... gotta stop drinkin' before I go to bed. Wait a minute... stop drinking?? Am I crazy to even think that?

10:10 AM. Jeez... too ****ing early in the morning for this crap. Hungover. Well, I figure a little hair of the dog that bit me will do some good. Pour myself some vodka. Gotta smoke some crack too. That calms me down.

10:20 AM. Putting in a call to Dougie. We share a laugh about the story that I'm actually in rehab. Oh, sure, it cost us a six figure number to pay off that rehab place to say I was there. Good money, if you ask me.

Hey, I am in rehab here at the family cottage. That's our name for the gazebo out back. Rehab. Nice name for it too. I think I'll go smoke some crack and drink some vodka in Rehab.

10:55 AM. Hangover's finally going away. Or the booze is just making me not care. **** it, who cares? All I know is I feel good getting liquored up. All that'll make it better is to have some hookers up here to take my mind off things.

12:05 PM. Putting in phone call to that stupid little **** down at the Sun. The stupid little **** with the stupid hat falls all over himself to be my own personal PR guy, even though I've screamed at him in the past. What fun messin' with a spineless piece of  **** like him.

I tell him rehab's goin' great. Learnin' new things with all these great guys and gals in here. Yep. We got ourselves a captain of industry, an astronaut, the King Of England, fourteen strippers, President Reagan, and John Wayne all up here in rehab, and we're gettin' along great.

12:06 PM. Warmington tells me that the monarch's a Queen, not a King. He also points out that Reagan and John Wayne have been dead for years. He asks if I'm really in rehab.

Hey! **** you! Don't you doubt me, you little ****!!!!

12:35 PM. Havin' lunch. Dougie sent up one of our best buds to run some errands for me. Like answerin' the door for delivery guys. Can't have people knowin' I'm camped out in the family cottage instead of actually in a real rehab place. **** it. I don't need rehab. There's nothin' wrong with ol' Robbie Ford. The problem is with everyone else. Not me.

Vinnie's been busy answering the door. We ordered in pizza. Good meal for havin' vodka with. And smokin' crack with.

1:40 PM. Vinnie and I smoke some crack over vodka. Talk about those criminal charges against him for harassment and extortion. Hey, Vinnie, don't worry. I'll get those charges taken care of. I mean, me vouchin' for you is sure to get you free and clear.

4:55 PM. Dougie turns up at the compound. Vinnie and I are both ****ed up after smokin' crack and drinkin' all day. Dougie says something's come up. 

4:56 PM. Dougie is tellin' us that Warmington ****er published a column online with a recordin' of our conversation earlier today. Wait a minute. When the **** did I talk to Warmington? 

I said what???

4:58 PM. Oh, ****! *****! ****in' ****ity ****! How was I supposed to know that little **** was recording anything I said? Dougie, we gotta do somethin' about this. We gotta get one of our guys to go down there and break that little **** in half.

Whaddya mean, the story's already out there??

5:10 PM. Pacing the living room in the cottage. Ranting a lot. Dougie and Vinnie are tryin' to calm me down. Look, I'll calm down just as soon as I get to smoke some crack. You know me, brother, I do my best thinkin' when I'm high.

5:15 PM. Look, it's all a big left wing media conspiracy against me. They're all out to get me, those ****ers. The Star, and the CBC, and the rest of the mainstream media. Those left wing kooks and the granola munchers downtown, and the nuns and the uptight ****s who hate me, and the Sierra Club, and the IRA, and the Nobel Peace Prize ****ers. I mean, really. Why the **** don't they give me a ****in' Peace Prize?

Dougie reminds me that Warmington and the Sun aren't with the left wing. Dougie, listen, man, don't confuse me right now.

5:35 PM. Okay, Dougie, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go over to that rehab place. Invite the press in. Pay the ****in' rehab place another cool quarter million to lie for us. Then we're gonna tell the press that I was just jokin' around. 

6:55 PM. Down at the rehab place. Take care of business first. Pay the administrator the hush money. Tell him we're gonna bring the press in. Don't worry about anything, pal. We're just gonna talk to them on the front lawn, right?

Oh, come on, man, I don't need to actually be a real patient here. **** that!

7:30 PM. Press turn up on the grounds. Some from southern Ontario. Others locals. They start askin' lots of questions. Okay. Here we go. It's game time, Robbie. Championship on the line. Time to insist I'm tellin' the truth while I'm lyin' through my ****in' teeth. 

7:31 PM. I tell the press that rehab's goin' great. We're all gettin' along fine in here. I'm busy gettin' better and workin' through things and getting myself ready to leave and get back into the election campaign, because let's face it, I'm the greatest mayor Toronto ever saw. As to that whole thing earlier today, well, **** it, I was just kiddin' around with Warmington. Not my ****in' fault the ****er is too ****in' stupid to realize I was joking. Oh, sorry. Yeah. My language. Hey, I get excited, and sometimes I say things without thinkin'.

7:35 PM. Going off on a ramble about rehab procedures. Someone asks an involved question... something about the sessions and how I'm dealin' with my ego being exposed. Jeez... that sounds like a gotcha question. I look around at Dougie. Oh, ****. What do I say? 

7:37 PM. Bumbling my way through an answer. Jeez, I feel sweaty. Hope it doesn't show. Muttering something about bein' here awhile longer. Got lotta work to do. Besides, there's no ****in' way in hell I'll be back in Toronto for that ****in' World Pride festival. Buncha ****in' gay ****ers and queer ***** women. No ****in' way I wanna be around those ****ers.

Oh, ****. Did I say that out loud?

11:00 PM. Back at the cottage with Dougie. Bad evenin'. No chance to bring up some hookers. I'm front and center on the national news, utterin' all those homophobic remarks. Hey, what's that mean, homophobic?  Rob Ford ain't nothin' like that! I'm only into women! Dougie, can we sue the news people for... Dougie?

Look, Dougie, it doesn't matter. How many ****in' times have I gotten away with sayin' ****ed up stuff? Ford Nation loves us, Dougie! I could be driving drunk down Spadina, kill their grandmothers, and they'd still say, leave Rob alone! He's doin' a great job! Buncha suckers. 

3:05 AM. Time to sleep. Dougie and I have been up late smokin' crack and drinkin' vodka. Tomorrow's another day, Dougie. And we still got months to go before that election. Yeah. We're gonna win it, brother. And when we're done, man, are we gonna get even with every ****er who's on the enemy list. You hear me? Every last one of 'em. **** 'em.


  1. We have some really nasty and dumb politicians in the United States. We have some really evil politicians in the U.S. The degree of their nastiness is directly correlated to how much they talk about Jesus and God and Christianity, which as you well know, is under dire attack in this godless land which was founded by fundamentalist Christians who really wanted a fundamentalist Christian country where all non-fundy Christians would be stoned to death.

    But now, I'm not sure. I think you guys up north of us may take the cake (or the coke) for having the most obnoxious, ignorant, dumb asshole politician in the world!

    Isn't there any way to get rid of him - like impeachment?

  2. Making fun of elected officials is a sport on both sides of the border, I see!

    You had fun creating these Ford memes, didn't you?

  3. I love these memes! Keep them coming. :D

  4. Amazing what people can get away with and still hold office, isn't it?

  5. I always think our politicos are the worst. Your Ford blogs keep reminding me: Nope. Close to the worst, but not quite there!

  6. Oh, and thanks for the plug on my blog about Losing David, my new book!

  7. Must be Right and Left is differently defined in Canada. In the US, a crack smoking drunk right winger would have resigned, a left winger would have declared that he is a victim of "hate" and is being "stigmatized" on account of having the "disease" of loving crack and vodka.

    Ford's **** you attitude is strangely refreshing in its frank sliminess.

  8. Can't believe he's still in office. Tragic.

  9. @Lowell: the irony is if this were a prime minister or premier doing this, there would be mechanisms to get rid of him. There's no mechanism, short of criminal charges or the election, to get rid of Ford. The city council has neutralized him by removing almost all of his power, but that's as far as they can go. No one ever saw the need for a firing mechanism in city legislation before.

    @Norma: I did, and I'll be doing this again!

    @Diane: now that I've started generating my own memes, I'm having fun with it. These ones were all mine.

    @Kelly: this twit's gotten away with too much.

    @Cheryl: you're welcome! And yes, this guy rates as the worst of the worst.

    @Lynn: technically he's right wing, but it's gotten to the point where the conservative parties here would rather not be seen in the same room as him.

    @Auden: it's a catastrophe!

  10. I am not sure what to say about this but... you finally beat us !
    I think he is even worst than some of the American politicians.
    I think Lynn comment was best.
    Did you have to shower in bleach after writing this ?
    And I must said I had fun reading this. Even though I shouldn't. You are very cleaver.

    cheers, parsnip
    I keep forgetting to say Thank You for all the shout outs. You are very kind. But The Square Ones think they deserve all the praise they get.

  11. I wonder if I mess up someone's hair tomorrow... could I use that I was in a drunken stupor?

  12. I think I wear that same expression when I try to remember if I left the stove on, too... :)

  13. He needs to go to rehab.. no I mean he REALLY needs to go to rehab :) It's never going to happen is it :)what a nightmare!

  14. Who needs fiction? Truth is so much more entertaining -- especially when William is the author.

  15. I think the American politicians are paying for Ford's crack because he makes them look good.


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