Before we get things started today, some links to check out first of all. Yesterday was a Snippet Sunday, so check out our Snippet Sunday post. AngryParsnip wrote about the anniversary of her mother's birthday yesterday. Lorelei had a bit of a rant at her page. Krisztina had her pic of the week post up at her page. And Cheryl has a book announcement.
Now then, we return to the point of view of the world's dumbest human being, Toronto's crack smoking mayor Rob Ford, who likes to claim that he's in rehab at the moment. For those of us who think everything he says is bull, you'll understand if we remain skeptical of anything the douchebag has to say.
For the record, writing in his voice is creepy.
9:55 AM. Waking up suddenly out of nightmare. Slept bad. Dreamed about being chased by Godzilla. Last thing I remember was that huge foot coming down to stomp on me when I fell. Jeez... gotta stop drinkin' before I go to bed. Wait a minute... stop drinking?? Am I crazy to even think that?
10:10 AM. Jeez... too ****ing early in the morning for this crap. Hungover. Well, I figure a little hair of the dog that bit me will do some good. Pour myself some vodka. Gotta smoke some crack too. That calms me down.
10:20 AM. Putting in a call to Dougie. We share a laugh about the story that I'm actually in rehab. Oh, sure, it cost us a six figure number to pay off that rehab place to say I was there. Good money, if you ask me.
Hey, I am in rehab here at the family cottage. That's our name for the gazebo out back. Rehab. Nice name for it too. I think I'll go smoke some crack and drink some vodka in Rehab.
10:55 AM. Hangover's finally going away. Or the booze is just making me not care. **** it, who cares? All I know is I feel good getting liquored up. All that'll make it better is to have some hookers up here to take my mind off things.
12:05 PM. Putting in phone call to that stupid little **** down at the Sun. The stupid little **** with the stupid hat falls all over himself to be my own personal PR guy, even though I've screamed at him in the past. What fun messin' with a spineless piece of **** like him.
I tell him rehab's goin' great. Learnin' new things with all these great guys and gals in here. Yep. We got ourselves a captain of industry, an astronaut, the King Of England, fourteen strippers, President Reagan, and John Wayne all up here in rehab, and we're gettin' along great.
12:06 PM. Warmington tells me that the monarch's a Queen, not a King. He also points out that Reagan and John Wayne have been dead for years. He asks if I'm really in rehab.
Hey! **** you! Don't you doubt me, you little ****!!!!
12:35 PM. Havin' lunch. Dougie sent up one of our best buds to run some errands for me. Like answerin' the door for delivery guys. Can't have people knowin' I'm camped out in the family cottage instead of actually in a real rehab place. **** it. I don't need rehab. There's nothin' wrong with ol' Robbie Ford. The problem is with everyone else. Not me.
Vinnie's been busy answering the door. We ordered in pizza. Good meal for havin' vodka with. And smokin' crack with.
1:40 PM. Vinnie and I smoke some crack over vodka. Talk about those criminal charges against him for harassment and extortion. Hey, Vinnie, don't worry. I'll get those charges taken care of. I mean, me vouchin' for you is sure to get you free and clear.
4:55 PM. Dougie turns up at the compound. Vinnie and I are both ****ed up after smokin' crack and drinkin' all day. Dougie says something's come up.
4:56 PM. Dougie is tellin' us that Warmington ****er published a column online with a recordin' of our conversation earlier today. Wait a minute. When the **** did I talk to Warmington?
I said what???
4:58 PM. Oh, ****! *****! ****in' ****ity ****! How was I supposed to know that little **** was recording anything I said? Dougie, we gotta do somethin' about this. We gotta get one of our guys to go down there and break that little **** in half.
Whaddya mean, the story's already out there??
5:10 PM. Pacing the living room in the cottage. Ranting a lot. Dougie and Vinnie are tryin' to calm me down. Look, I'll calm down just as soon as I get to smoke some crack. You know me, brother, I do my best thinkin' when I'm high.
5:15 PM. Look, it's all a big left wing media conspiracy against me. They're all out to get me, those ****ers. The Star, and the CBC, and the rest of the mainstream media. Those left wing kooks and the granola munchers downtown, and the nuns and the uptight ****s who hate me, and the Sierra Club, and the IRA, and the Nobel Peace Prize ****ers. I mean, really. Why the **** don't they give me a ****in' Peace Prize?
Dougie reminds me that Warmington and the Sun aren't with the left wing. Dougie, listen, man, don't confuse me right now.
5:35 PM. Okay, Dougie, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go over to that rehab place. Invite the press in. Pay the ****in' rehab place another cool quarter million to lie for us. Then we're gonna tell the press that I was just jokin' around.
6:55 PM. Down at the rehab place. Take care of business first. Pay the administrator the hush money. Tell him we're gonna bring the press in. Don't worry about anything, pal. We're just gonna talk to them on the front lawn, right?
Oh, come on, man, I don't need to actually be a real patient here. **** that!
7:30 PM. Press turn up on the grounds. Some from southern Ontario. Others locals. They start askin' lots of questions. Okay. Here we go. It's game time, Robbie. Championship on the line. Time to insist I'm tellin' the truth while I'm lyin' through my ****in' teeth.
7:31 PM. I tell the press that rehab's goin' great. We're all gettin' along fine in here. I'm busy gettin' better and workin' through things and getting myself ready to leave and get back into the election campaign, because let's face it, I'm the greatest mayor Toronto ever saw. As to that whole thing earlier today, well, **** it, I was just kiddin' around with Warmington. Not my ****in' fault the ****er is too ****in' stupid to realize I was joking. Oh, sorry. Yeah. My language. Hey, I get excited, and sometimes I say things without thinkin'.
7:35 PM. Going off on a ramble about rehab procedures. Someone asks an involved question... something about the sessions and how I'm dealin' with my ego being exposed. Jeez... that sounds like a gotcha question. I look around at Dougie. Oh, ****. What do I say?
7:37 PM. Bumbling my way through an answer. Jeez, I feel sweaty. Hope it doesn't show. Muttering something about bein' here awhile longer. Got lotta work to do. Besides, there's no ****in' way in hell I'll be back in Toronto for that ****in' World Pride festival. Buncha ****in' gay ****ers and queer ***** women. No ****in' way I wanna be around those ****ers.
Oh, ****. Did I say that out loud?
11:00 PM. Back at the cottage with Dougie. Bad evenin'. No chance to bring up some hookers. I'm front and center on the national news, utterin' all those homophobic remarks. Hey, what's that mean, homophobic? Rob Ford ain't nothin' like that! I'm only into women! Dougie, can we sue the news people for... Dougie?
Look, Dougie, it doesn't matter. How many ****in' times have I gotten away with sayin' ****ed up stuff? Ford Nation loves us, Dougie! I could be driving drunk down Spadina, kill their grandmothers, and they'd still say, leave Rob alone! He's doin' a great job! Buncha suckers.
3:05 AM. Time to sleep. Dougie and I have been up late smokin' crack and drinkin' vodka. Tomorrow's another day, Dougie. And we still got months to go before that election. Yeah. We're gonna win it, brother. And when we're done, man, are we gonna get even with every ****er who's on the enemy list. You hear me? Every last one of 'em. **** 'em.