Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

A Day In The Life Of A Cranky Mountie

Another Day In The Life blog today, this from the point of view of my signature character, Inspector Lars Ulrich, who tends to be pretty cranky when it comes to being mistaken for the deafened drummer of Metallica, and who really hates entertainment reporters...

7:05 AM. Waking up. Out of bed, stretching limbs. Big day ahead. Taking a look out my window at the mountains. No sign of entertainment reporters coming up my driveway. Good.

7:20 AM. Showered and downstairs. Making breakfast first before I put on the uniform. Maple syrup will figure in the first meal of the day prominently.

7:35 AM. Feasting on bacon (Canadian, of course), pancakes, strawberry jam, and maple syrup. Now this is a proper Canadian breakfast.

7:50 AM. Back up in my room to get into the uniform for the day. Just a working day today, so let's get the utilities out. The red serge only comes out for special occasions.

8:05 AM. Out the door, into the Jeep. On duty at nine. I have a couple of errands to run first.

8:30 AM. Stopping in town. Picking up newspaper at regular shop. New guy at the counter. He's listening to heavy metal. I ask him to turn it down.

8:31 AM. The dimwit apparently doesn't recognize a Mountie uniform when he sees it. I identify myself, and he looks stunned. Maybe that's a common reaction for him. He blurts out something about Metallica, and asks me why I'm not with the band.

Oh, come on! I am not that Lars Ulrich!

8:33 AM. Walking out the door. The dimwit follows, asking if he can take a picture with me, says that the  Metallica fan club will go crazy to see it.

I turn, snarl, and insist again that I am not that Lars Ulrich.

He asks if I'm sure.

I hit him.

8:55 AM. Into the detachment. Meeting my subordinates. Getting reports from the constables on the evening's events. Apparently we had some American fishermen using dynamite to fish up on the Lake Of No Return, and there's a small plane that crashed near Mount Doom. Apparently it was carrying a crew and reporter from Access Hollywood. You'd think that after my taking down their inner circle of leaders, there'd be no more entertainment news shows.

Well, we'll keep those fishermen in custody over the weekend just to teach them some manners. I suppose we have to go rescue those nitwits.

9:50 AM. Up at Mount Doom. Everyone on board survived- unfortunately. They haven't recognized me, and I've told my constables not to mention me by name. The way these entertainment reporters prattle on, it just confirms everything I've ever thought of them. They really are stupid.

10:15 AM. Constable Brown inadvertantly calls me by name before she realizes what she's done. One of the entertainment reporters walks over, blurting out the inevitable question about why I'm not in rehearsals with Metallica.

I sigh in dismay, asking him if he's really that stupid, and tell him I am not that Lars Ulrich.

He suggests I'm joking around, that I look just like him.

Despite the fact that he broke his arm in the crash, I hit him anyway.

1:40 PM. Back to the detachment. The news crew is off at the hospital. I suggested the doctors sedate them heavily. Stopping in at the holding cells. The Yanks are not happy. Asking what the problem is in using dynamite while fishing. I tell them that's against the law, as were their sidearms. They start blathering on about their Second Amendment rights. I remind them they're not in America.

Maybe we can forget these nitwits are back here for a few days.

2:05 PM. A call comes in. It seems a doctor at the hospital's been taken hostage. And what makes it even stranger is that the suspect is a dead ringer for the Prime Minister.

2:07 PM. Putting in a call to Ottawa. Speaking with my superiors about the situation. They assure me the Prime Minister is in Question Period at the moment getting grilled by the opposition. I tell them I will keep them up to date. Getting to the scene is my priority.

2:10 PM. Leaving with three constables. Getting a call on my cell. It's the Prime Minister's Chief of Staff. Useless moron, if you ask me. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with politicians every day.

He knows me, apparently. Well, the Prime Minister and I don't like each other much. I suspect the Prime Minister doesn't like anyone.

The Chief tells me that I am to keep this absolutely secret. I roll my eyes and say that I'm not an underling. He then informs me that the suspect is the Prime Minister's secret twin brother Hugo Harper. Apparently he's evil, which is why the family never lets him out of their sight. I hate to tell you this, but the Prime Minister's not exactly a nice guy either...

2:25 PM. Back at the hospital. Learning where the suspect is holed up. The hostage is a new doctor by the name of Evangeline Bennett- wow, that's a name- and he's got her out by the railroad tracks. Apparently he's asking for me.

2:27 PM. Coming face to face with Hugo. Yes, he looks just like that idiot we call the Prime Minister. And he has Doctor Bennett tied to the tracks, ranting about making his brother notice him. Oh, come on, man, isn't this just a little too stereotypical? The Mountie, the sexy damsel in distress, and the lunatic villain? All we're missing here is you having a Snidely Whiplash mustache. 

2:28 PM. Train whistle coming. Hugo cackles like a deranged lunatic and runs off down the track towards the overpass bridge. I'm about to assist Doctor Bennett, but she's already untying herself, telling me to get the bad guy.

Yes ma'am!

2:32 PM. Reaching the bridge crossing over the valley. Hugo apparently doesn't get much exercise. He's already wheezing like a goat. I tackle him to the tracks. Inform him he's under arrest. He's going on and on about a Senate appointment. Then he's suddenly quiet. He looks at me. And he asks when Metallica is going to record another album.

I knock him out.

2:45 PM. Hauling the handcuffed and unconcious Hugo in a fireman's carry back down the tracks. My constables are waiting. So is the train, stopped on the tracks. And so is Doctor Bennett. 

I smile at her. She smiles back. All in a day's duty, Doctor. 

2:50 PM. Hugo's bundled into the back of a cruiser. Doctor Bennett and I are chatting. She asks if I'm doing anything for supper. 

I say I'm free, but ask two pertinent questions. First, if she listens to heavy metal, and second, if she watches entertainment news shows. She says she doesn't like metal, and finds those shows tedious. She also asks me to call her Evangeline.

A woman after my own heart.

7:10 PM. Evangeline and I are chatting after dinner about many, many things. She's getting used to living out in the mountains, and asks about how long I've been here. I talk about my place and the views. She's quite forward when she says she'd like to see the views for herself.

Check please!

10:45 PM. Back at my place. Getting lucky. Evangeline and I are on the floor in my living room, stark naked with one exception- she asked me to wear the Mountie hat- having our way with each other for the fifth time this evening.

O Canada!

2:25 AM. Lying in bed with Evangeline. Wow. What a woman. What a day. Took down a lunatic who just happens to be the Prime Minister's twin brother. Knocked out a couple of morons who think I'm the other Lars Ulrich. And ending the day with some marathon sex in multiple positions with an amazing woman. Even out in the canoe. Where have you been all my life?

I might be tired in the morning... but boy, was it worth it.


  1. You've got to read this one at the next meeting! There's got to be a way to print it with the memes intact....

    One question: Harper has an evil twin? I thought HE was the evil one!

    It's good to see Lars is getting some action. I wonder how long it will be before the entertainment reporters start to smell a big story there?

  2. Well, that definitely sounds like a productive day all around :)

  3. Haha! Lars Ulrich certainly knows how to round off a busy day!

  4. Totally off topic but that beaver is adorable! Okay, I'm going to run and hide now because I can just imagine the comments that's going to spur. ;)

  5. I am with Kelly
    I just awwwwwwwwwed over the baby Beaver.
    And about the Invasion... Please don't reschedule.
    Love love love the moose bridge.

    cheers, parsnip

  6. @Norma: with all I've put Lars through, it made sense for him to finally get lucky.

    @Meradeth: capped off in the best of ways too.

    @Grace: Lars has taken on a life of his own!

    @Kelly: I saw that one, and decided it was perfect.

    @Parsnip: thank you!

    @Auden: thanks!

  7. We can forgive Canada for Justin Bieber, though the healing will take a LOT of Maple Syrup!

  8. Is the PM related to Rob Ford?

    Those red coats really are sexy!

    And why would anyone apologize to Justin...? Oh, wait. Apologize FOR Justin Bieber. Now I get it!

  9. Don't understand the hat thing, but that's what turned her on. No problem picking out the Canadian. People from cold climates visit here in the winter and wonder why we are dressed in sweats.

  10. You do have a exotic imagination ... or maybe this was a real day in the life of...? Hmmm...

    What I really wonder is if the hat stayed on in the canoe?

    Evangeline probably comes from the Greek, Evangel, which means "good news." I'd say she brought you lots of good news.

    You Canadians are a funny bunch!



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