Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Harry Hamlin Takes His Revenge

Director Plans Movie Adaptation Of Beloved Series; Actors Fear The Worst 

Los Angeles (AP) Pyrotechnic fan and movie director Michael Bay summoned reporters to his production company offices this week to make an announcement about a future project. Bay, the demented filmmaker who never heard of a film explosion he didn’t like, has made such roller coaster films as Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, and the Transformers franchise. He is in the midst of remaking Gone With The Wind and Casablanca, decisions that have horrified classic film lovers.

Reporters gathered at Digital Domain, wondering among themselves what piece of nonsense Bay would be spouting this time. Perhaps he would spare us the horror of yet another familiar subject mangled by his abysmal directorship. Perhaps all he wanted to talk about was the growth rate of his stubble.

Bay came out on stage, grinning like an idiot as usual, waving to the reporters. He stepped up to the podium, where a full length mirror had been set up nearby, and gave himself a final appraisal, smiling even more. Finally he turned his attention to the reporters again. “Hello and welcome. It’s great to see you all here. But of course you’re all anxious to see me and know what I’m up to. I am, after all, the greatest director of all time.”

The gathered press strained not to roll their eyes. Bay seemed oblivious. “Now then, I’m very busy getting two big projects off the ground. But that doesn’t mean I can’t look to the future. And so I am looking to the future. I’ve decided to adapt a television series for the big screen. One that I liked back in the day. But you know, my biggest problem with that series was that there was way too much talking, not enough explosions. You need explosions. You can never have too many explosions.”

This reporter wondered if Bay was going to adapt the Cosby Show. Instead Bay went in a different direction. “So I’m here to announce my next big project, coming to theatres. L.A. Law: The Bloody Reckoning. Catchy subtitle, huh? It’ll play big in Japan.”

Reporters were stunned into silence. Again, Bay seemed oblivious. “So let me introduce to you the main players of the cast. Playing Michael Kuzak, headlining the movie, my favourite actor, and I know he’s your favourite actor... Shia LaBeouf!”

There was a gasp of horror from the reporters, though to be fair, we should have been expecting this by now. LaBeouf stumbled out on stage, looking as dimwitted as usual, dressed in an ill fitting suit. It’s still hard to believe this insufferable moron will be playing Rhett Butler and Rick Blaine in the Gone With The Wind and Casablanca reboots. “Hi there!” LaBeouf called out.

Bay continued to speak. “And another big role in this project is that of Grace van Owen. I wanted someone who’s smart. Assertive. Knows how to take charge. Has real spirit. And can look good while draped over the hood of a Bentley in revealing clothing, because, hey, it’s me, and I’ve gotta have what I want. Ladies and gentlemen, give a big hand to Megan Fox!”

Despite Bay’s call for applause, the reporters were silent as Fox stepped out on the stage, in a low cut black dress showing off her cleavage. She smiled obliviously, joining LaBeouf and Bay.

Bay nodded and carried on. “I needed a real rascal and rogue to play Arnie Becker. So I went with my go-to guy. He’s got just the right element of ladies man charm and smart aleck personality. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Nicolas Cage!”

Cage came out on the stage, grinning like a buffoon, dressed in a Superman costume. Apparently he’s a fan. Or he never got over the fact that he wasn’t cast to play the role. “Hello, New York!”

“Nic, we’re in L.A.,” Bay reminded him. “Now then, we’re casting more roles as we go along, but we’ve got one more character already cast, and before I bring the actor out, I’ve got some things I wanna say. Now I really didn’t like that office nitwit Benny in the original series. I mean, who wants to put up with a mentally deficient twit in their office? But I wanted something else. Something different. Someone who was going to be the villain. So instead of Benny being a mentally deficient nitwit, let’s have him be a normal guy, albeit a totally unhinged law clerk who’s pissed off that he keeps failing to pass the bar. Let’s make him the guy who rigs the entire courthouse with explosives just to even the score. And before he can be made to disarm his bomb, in true L.A. Law fashion, he throws himself down an elevator shaft. Ladies and gentlemen, as Benny, I give you Johnny Knoxville!”

Knoxville, best known for the Jackass television series, came out on stage, waving. “Great to be part of this movie! And I’ve already told Michael I have no problem doing my own stunts. I’ll even do the falling into the elevator one. Believe me, when you’ve had a pitbull bite you in the crotch, nothing will ever be more painful.”

Bay smiled. “Note to self: write a pitbull into the movie. Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be announcing more cast members as I go...”

This reporter spoke up. “Mr. Bay! Are you receiving permission to actually make this? What did Steven Bochco say?”

Bay shrugged. “Oh, I’m sure he’ll be fine with it. Sooner or later I’ll have a sit down with him. Once he sees my ideas for the apocalyptic courthouse explosion, he’ll be on board. Gotta go! Movies to make, explosions to set off, lots of awards to win!” Bay left the stage with his actors, oblivious to the disdain of the reporters.

A number of reporters tracked down former L.A. Law star Harry Hamlin, who continues to occasionally work as an actor. For some reason he also married former soap star Lisa Rinna, who dabbles in being famous merely for being famous in various ways, and has gotten a little carried away with plastic surgery. Hamlin sighed in frustration. “I’ve already heard,” he told reporters arriving at his home. “This is despicable. Beyond despicable,” he declared. “L.A. Law broke boundaries as a television show. To have it dumped on by this hack of a director is a disgrace. Well, I can tell you this. It will not stand. I promise you, it will not come to be. Whatever it takes, Corbin and Susan and Michelle and Larry and I are going to stop it. Even if we have to actually become real lawyers, go to court, argue our case to the judge, and then have to take Michael Bay hostage while wearing gorilla suits when it all goes horribly wrong.”

Rinna came running out of the house. “Hey, look at all you wonderful reporters. Can I plug my new Lifetime Series Life With Lisa? Five nights a week starting this fall!”

For the sake of personal sanity, we reporters left. Some of us made the mental note to check costume shops and ask to be alerted if anyone rented a gorilla suit.


  1. If Bay and company ever find this blog, the next contract will be for a hit on you!

    Been nice knowing you....

  2. Norma's comment is hilarious! And that Nicolas Cage picture? Too true!!

  3. Norma, best comment ever !
    I can see the interview comments now after your demise.
    "but he really was a very talented writer"
    Watch out for drones William. Hollywood is trying to get them passed to use in filming.

    cheers, parsnip

  4. Yup. The drones are coming, Sir Wills.

  5. A Gone With The Wind Remake? Frankly my dear I don't give a damn! I won't go to it.

  6. @Norma: I'm in so much trouble.

    @Meradeth: I saw that one, and the words for it just came to me!

    @Parsnip: yep, I'm a dead man!

    @Shelly: I can send them in the direction of my idiot ex-brother-in-law.

    @Deb: I had fun writing Bay's take on that remake! Fortunately it's just a fake!

  7. I'm with Norma. You may want to hide.

  8. Too funny. I can't believe Bay's remaking GWTW and Casablanca. But who knows, maybe it'll be great. Just please tell me Labeauf isn't really playing Rhett.

  9. My goodness! Is Michael Bay a real person?

  10. If LeBoof :) plays Rhett Butler I will personally come over there and push him off a very high place :) Norma hit it right on the head :)

  11. Whatever DID happen to Harry Hamlin and Susan Day? They just drop off the planet earth? :)

  12. Can I audition for the role of Rhett Butler???


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