Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Where Is Dennis Quaid When We Need Him?

Getting myself back into something remotely resembling a routine schedule for blogging again. The last couple of weeks have been dominated by the weather, so it seems entirely fitting to pay homage to the very best season of the year, winter. For some inexplicable reason, my partner in crime Norma dislikes winter. Have a look at her take on the latest storms at her blog. As for me, well... shall we begin?

"Mr. President, we need to evacuate everyone from south of this line. Everyone north of there will have to fend for themselves as the storm gets worse. Though I'm going to go after my son up in New York City. There's this whole tense thing between us that we have to resolve. And I have to flash my patented cat that ate a canary grin before the end of the film." ~ Dennis Quaid, The Day After Tomorrow

"A polar vortex! My kingdom for a polar vortex!" ~ William Shakespeare, Richard III Rebooted

"There is no such thing as too much winter." ~ William Kendall, Canadian loon

Well, it started with an ice storm that hit southern Ontario before Christmas before moving east through New England and the Maritime Provinces. Having had gone down into the area for the holidays, I can tell you that the damage did constitute an emergency, despite what a crack smoking alcoholic mayor might think (hi, Rob!)

And from there it just got worse, with declining temperatures from the high Arctic descending deep into much of the continent. At one point, the temperature in Atlanta was colder than in Anchorage Alaska. Snow fell hard and deep all over. The temperatures plunged. Power went out. And the term polar vortex entered the mainstream vocabulary.

So of course editorial cartoonists have been having fun with the theme. How could they resist?

The polar vortex seems to be slowly lifting after wrecking havoc with a good portion of the continent. We haven't had any Day After Tomorrow moments as of yet.

Though when it happens again, and it will happen again (maybe next week?), there are steps you can take to be prepared. Have a generator on hand. Make sure it's not filtering any gases into the house (this means keeping it outside). Same goes for a barbecue. Not a good idea to be grilling steak on the barbecue indoors. Just a thought. 

Though if you happen to have an idiot ex-brother-in-law you dislike, encourage him to do so at his place. He'll be dead of carbon monoxide poisoning and you'll have the chance to dance on his grave (boy, if my idiot ex-brother-in-law ever meets a bad end, I'll have to have a good alibi in place).

Another thing about being prepared, in case the worst happens and you find yourselves in a Donner Party sort of situation. Make sure you choose the plumpest member of the party for your first cannibalistic meal (I know, it's repulsive to think of in the abstract, but Cousin Jerry will be looking rather tasty when you haven't had a meal in a couple of weeks). And don't cannibalize a smoker. The tobacco gets into everything. Yes, you'd be tasting Players cigarettes over a helping of Aunt Ethel's Spare Ribs (made of Aunt Ethel's Spare Ribs).


  1. I'm convinced you were a polar bear in a previous existence!

  2. We've just been freezing...FREEZING, with no hope of more snow. Boo!

  3. I kind of like that Canadian Loon even if he is obsessed with winter!

  4. I'm so done with this weather. I need some heat!

  5. Spring is one day closer..Bwaaaaahahahahahahaha!
    Jane x

  6. God, this was funny. It's a good thing I know you're joking around about-things. You were, weren't you?

  7. Tis nice weather for a ship of Global Warming Cultists to take a boat ride to Antarctica!

  8. Gosh, I'm so glad I live in Florida!! Love the tiger photo.

    Ice Tsunami

  9. Yeah, we'd thought about firing up the old charcoal grill if our power went out. Lucky it didn't!

    And the cats deciding en masse not to exit the house? Just like ours!

  10. I figured in this weather you would be zooming around outside on your snowboard/skis? in shorts and a tee having a grand time !

    cheers, parsnip

  11. @Norma: I may have been!

    @Krisztina: you need snow right now!

    @Deb: winter's a good thing to be obsessed with!

    @Kelly: heat must stay away!

    @Jane and Chris: spring and summer have decided to take the year off.

    @Lorelei: was I joking around?

    @Lynn: Antarctica's lovely this time of year.

    @Diane: that's a scary video!

    @Cheryl: cats know better!

    @Parsnip: I'll soon be doing some cross country skiing!

  12. Now I'm even more determined to lose that extra five kilos William, I never want to be the plumpest person in an emergency food situation :)


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.