A Day In The Life Of A Squirrel

7:25 AM. Awake and alert. Feeling peckish. Glancing outside my snug tree quarters. Most puzzling. It's snowing. And yet according to my calendar, it's technically spring. This is very disconcerting. When will the winter decide to finally pack up and leave? My food stores here are running low, and the extra caches are buried beneath the snow.

Where they will no doubt spring up into oak trees and the like. Curse my lousy memory as to where I bury everything. Oh well, I'll just have to raid some bird feeders today. Fortunately there's no shortage of them.

7:50 AM. Finished quick breakfast of peanuts and acorns. Yummy yummy yummy. Time to get started for the day. Lots to do, and never enough time....

8:10 AM. Out on my rounds. Have successfully raided bird feeders out at the Robinson house. Blue jays, cardinals, chickadees all very much annoyed with me. Hey, well, if you wanted it that much, you'd fight for it instead of just squawking your heads off.

Mrs. Robinson likes putting out lots of sunflower seeds. And since I love the taste of sunflower seeds, it's a win-win situation. Must stuff cheeks to maximum with extra sunflower seeds.

8:55 AM. Continuing rounds after dropping off extra sunflower seeds at home. Have been sighted by lunatic dog from the farm down the road. He starts barking the moment he sees me, and charges. I sprint up the nearest convenient tree. Lunatic dog circling below, barking endlessly. Nyah nyah nyah nyah! You can't climb trees, doggie!

10:15 AM. After much barking and circling around below the tree, the dog finally gives up and leaves. Good riddance, mutt! I have all the patience in the world, you know! And I know just how to push your buttons!

I don't imagine this teasing thing I do is ever going to come back to bite me, do you? Nonsense. That only happens to less fortunate squirrels.

11:00 AM. Chatting with Dougie from the hemlock grove across the road. We find ourselves wondering what's taking spring so long to turn up. Dougie says that until there's a robin around, we can't count on spring. We agree that we'll just have to make do raiding bird feeders. Humans are so gullible, and if they think they've designed a feeder that can keep a squirrel out, they're sadly mistaken...

11:25 AM. Finished my chat with Dougie. Snow still falling. Tempted to call in a complaint to the weather office. My inability to speak human languages wouldn't get me far anyway in that respect.

11:55 AM. Stopping in my tracks on my way home. Is that... is that an acorn on the path ahead?

It is! I must pick it up! Mine mine mine!!

11:56 AM. Admiring the acorn in my paws when I hear screeching protests from above. Oh, wonderful, it's that nitwit Jerry. This was your acorn? Sorry, Jerry, but if you drop it out of your tree, well, the rules are possession is nine tenths of the law, finders keepers and losers weepers, and I called dibs on it. You can't appeal when someone's called dibs.

11:59 AM. Bickering and snarling with Jerry. Much annoyed chattering from both of us. He finally decides retreat is the better course of action. Besides, he's barely four hundred grams, and I tip the scales at five fifty grams of pure squirrel muscle and attitude. Bye Jerry. Thanks for the acorn.

12:10 PM. Is there anything tastier than acorns? Well, maybe acorns with sunflower seeds on the side...

1:15 PM. Passing house along my route. Oh, that one has that annoying cat inside. I wonder if she's in or out?

1:17 PM. Have found out the cat is inside. She pounces onto the window sill, growling at me.

Nyah nyah nyah nyah! Can't get me!

1:20 PM. Still taunting the cat when I suddenly realize the cat isn't behind the window anymore. Where did she go?

1:21 PM. Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap!!! Running for my life!!! Cat in hot pursuit! Can I make it to that tree? I'm too young to die!!!!!!!

1:22 PM. Whew! Safe! Up the tree where that cat can't...

Oh, right. Cats can climb trees.

Oh, crap!!!!

1:23 PM. Have gone as high as I can. Fortunately the branch won't hold the weight of that cat... and she knows it. Whew! She looks annoyed with me.

Let's see... is it true cats find it hard to get out of trees? Will that buy me enough time if I make a jump for another branch and scramble past her?

1:25 PM. Have successfully leapt to nearby branch, bolting back for the main trunk of the tree, and down to the ground. Cat growling up in the tree in outrage. Hah hah hah, cat! I live to fight another day! You can't catch me! Sprinting off, leaving the cat behind. Glory be. I'm sure this won't come back to haunt me, right?

Right?

6:35 PM. Settling down to a nice dinner of sunflower seeds and oak seeds. Yummy yummy yummy. Yes, the squirrel's life is the life for me...

10:55 PM. Settling down for the night. Will dream of acorns. And peanuts. And sunflower seeds. All on a peanut butter sandwich. Boy, I wish humans had picnics in the winter. It's kind of hard to steal sandwiches from them this time of year, when all they do is eat inside.

Good night, world. Someone tell Old Man Winter he can leave post haste. I'm so overdue for spring....