Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, February 16, 2013

A Day In The Life Of Teddy Roosevelt

7:25 AM. December 19th, 1903. Capital day! Up at my usual hour in the Executive Mansion. Feeling like breakfast. Nothing at all like starting off the day with steak and eggs.

8:35 AM. Meeting with Speaker of the House. Henderson will no doubt have some complaint or another about the weather. Thinking of having the capital of the country moved to Bismarck. A good North Dakota winter will toughen up these Congressional milksops.

8:50 AM. Regaling Henderson with a tale of charging up San Juan Hill with my Rough Riders. Not a bad day if I don't mind saying.

10:35 AM. Meeting with ambassador from France. First time we've had a chance to sit down and chat. Feeling confused by his lack of interest in hunting. Decide to break the ice by telling him the story of that time I arm wrestled a bigfoot. The hairy lug didn't like losing much, but we made up over a mug of beer. Good people, those bigfoot critters. Even if they growl a lot.

French ambassador looks at me as if I've lost my mind. Of course, they don't have a bigfoot in France.

11:15 AM. French ambassador gone. My aide remarks that I might have inadvertantly started a war with France by asking him what kind of dandified milksop passes for an ambassador these days.

12:15 PM. Having lunch. Steak and bacon. Delicious. Must post a letter off to John Muir. A grand fellow, but he doesn't much like my tendency to go hunting everything I see. Will tell him what I think of French ambassadors.

1:25 PM. Have received invitation from Richard "Mad Dog" Cheney. Wants me to come out next summer to his ranch in Wyoming for some hunting. Will have to pass on that. I'll be in electioneering in the summer, and besides, Mad Dog has a reputation for shooting fellow hunters by mistake. I'm told it runs in the family.

2:30 PM. Meeting with the British ambassador. He informs me that my suspicions were true: I have annoyed the French.

I remind the ambassador that his people have been fighting with the French for a thousand years or so now, which he agrees, remarking that the French take things much too personally.

2:40 PM. Sharing my story of visiting Scotland with the ambassador. Remarking on how after Edith and I got married, we found ourselves alongside one of those Lochs, where I wrestled a lake monster named Nessie. I taught that big critter some manners, I most certainly did... 
3:10 PM. Bickering with the Secretary of War. He reminds me that starting a war with the French at Christmas time just because their ambassador is a milksop isn't a good idea. I retort that by this time tomorrow, that ambassador will have forgotten the whole thing.

Unless the French tend to hold onto grudges. Do they hold onto grudges?

Will have to consult my Secretary of State.

4:15 PM. Have received word of a disturbance downriver from the capital. Something has emerged from the Potomac, a large creature consisting of shadow and flame. The army is doing battle with it, but it advances upon us. 

4:50 PM. Confirmation on sightings, and more information about the menace. It is apparently a Balrog of Moria, a demon of the ancient world, otherwise known as Middle Earth. It seems these things tend to make whips and swords and weapons out of the flame that courses over their bodies.

Well, I've climbed mountains, chased my quarry for days on end on a hunt, lived off the land, gotten shot at, fought in wartime. By all means, Balrog, come this way. But you should know... I'm Teddy Bloody Roosevelt. And you're going to lose.

6:10 PM. The beast has come into the city. Crowds flee before it. Bureaucrats and Congressmen run in terror. I come out the front door and glare at the Balrog.

It's been awhile since I've had a challenge....

6:20 PM. Have singlehandedly handed that Balrog his posterior. Standing in triumph over my fallen enemy. That serves you right for picking a fight with Teddy Roosevelt.

6:35 PM. Back inside after instructing the Army Corps of Engineers to get rid of the body of that creature. I doubt Edith would appreciate my having its head mounted on my wall as a trophy. Time for dinner. I've worked up an appetite.

10:45 PM. Time for bed soon. Have received a message from the French ambassador with regrets and apologies. It seems he knows better than to take an insult personally from a man who single handedly beat a fire demon. Smarter than I would have given him credit for...

Capital day indeed! The only thing that would have made it even better would have been climbing to the top of the world. 

Maybe after my presidency is over.


  1. Mad Dog Cheney??? Good one!

    You really have this one right....

  2. I want to be Teddy Roosevelt riding a moose cool! lol

  3. I luuuuuuved this, William. It was bloody good! Big fan of Teddy. Been to N.D. and the park named after him. Bully!

    Had to steal a few picks. I'll put them up on my timeline at some point or other.

  4. I love the last pic.

    Hugs and chocolate,

  5. Riding the moose was my favorite! He may never have said move the congress to Bismark, but he may have thought it. At least the man walked the talk. Love him or hate him, I think he was one of the best Presidents this country has had.

  6. Chuck Norris voted for Teddy. Twice.

  7. Fun post. However, I must make one important point. NO ONE looks bad ass in pince-nez!

    Teddy may have been a tough guy but the pince-nez made him look like a goofy tough guy, not a bad ass tough guy.

  8. @Norma: I couldn't resist...

    @Diane: I wonder how he managed that!

    @Lorelei: I've been to North Dakota, but not to that national park.

    @Eve: thanks!

    @Shelly: And he looks so at ease, doesn't he?

    @Mari: I really like him, for among other things, his love of the outdoors and particularly how much he did for the National Parks system.

    @Mark: Chuck Norris is over a century plus old?

    @Lynn: still a tough guy!

  9. I think moving the capital to Bismarck is a pipping idea!

    But you failed to say what he had for dinner. Was it steak and lobster?

  10. Loved the post and thanks for sharing the photos and the info!

  11. I don't remember reading about the "Battle of Balrog" in history class but it's good to learn new things. Thanks for updating us.

  12. They don't make presidents like they used to. "The last president who could have kicked your ass." Love it!!

  13. Teddy Roosevelt, I gotta love it! Somehow, he was just waiting for a treatment like this, spot on!

  14. I saw a documentary on FDR on TV this afternoon. Franklin married his cousin Eleanor, who was also a Roosevelt. At the wedding, Teddy slapped FDR on the shoulder and congratulated him on keeping it in the family....

  15. @Cheryl: I think lobster wouldn't have been tough enough in Teddy R's opinion to merit eating!

    @Nas: thank you!

    @Deb: Teddy must have asked no one to report on it.

    @Karla: he's definitely larger than life!

    @LondonLulu: you'll never see Jimmy Carter taking on Godzilla, after all...

    @Norma: quite a family!

    @M.R: thank you!

    @Grace: merci!


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