Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, February 4, 2013

No, I Am Not Interested In Your Spam About Viagra, Ugg Boots, And Zombie Plot Bunnies

"Who has time to manually spam web sites? That can't be very cost effective." ~ Eric Cheng

"Discourse is fleeting, but junkmail is forever." ~ Joe Briggs

"Spammers. Can't live with them... can't find them all to kill them." ~ Brigadier General Atticus "Shredder" Rawlins, USMC, 1982

Since opening up my comments for general posts, the floodgates have opened. Anonymous messages have come in with alarming regularity, all of them consisting of spam. Online casinos, medication, stock tips, handbags, watches, consulting services, porn, and shoes are just some of the nonsense that ends up clogging up my spam filters. For the most part, the filters do their job, but for awhile, an old blog that I had seemed to be allowing spam comments to be published. So of course the solution was to moderate all comments older than a certain point. This of course means that I'm now getting every notification into my email for anonymous spam, even though most of it goes right to the spam filter. And yet some of it still goes through.

One that regularly shows up in the filters spends their time trying to sell off mulberry bags and canada goose parkas. I swear, whatever spam program creates these has a multiple personality disorder. These messages will start off with one subject, and then a spam item in brackets, and the next sentence will go off in another direction, so by the end of four or five different spam items, you're left thinking five different people just spammed you all at once. Don't like Mitch? Wait five seconds, and Darla will be along. Stephen after her, and then Bubba Ray will be manning this particular multiple spamonality disorder.

Spamonality is a word. Now.

I quote verbatim from one such spam message that ended up where it should have ended up. This was spamming cheap armani knock off watches, and as usual with spammers, the command of English was, in a word, atrocious.

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If you're planning on associated with various other makes use of associated with aside from as being a sentry, and certainly say from the abovementioned aims, here are some habits you need to use your own criminal watch dog photographic camera.

A single. It really works being a situation recorder with no good becoming drawn on. If you do not have to get wedging from the series, test the enunciate simply by using a criminal wrist sentinel is going to do fantastic wonders. The most beneficial spy watches could condition sign-up all the way to 250MB as well as a tiny more than In search of hours of voice cassette.

Me again. Is it just me, or do you have a headache trying to figure out that junk too? And then there's this one, which featured an online slots site:

We absolutely love your blog and find almost all of your post's to be exactly what I'm looking
for. Do you offer guest writers to write content for you?
I wouldn't mind publishing a post or elaborating on many of the subjects you write with regards to here.

Oh, sure, spammer, I'll let you in to do a guest post and drive off every single reader I have with spam. And if you believe that, I've got some ocean front property in Saskatchewan for sale....

Give up, spammers. You're just getting deleted anyway. Even when you inevitably post in this blog.

In closing, my personal message to any spammer who still hasn't gotten the point:


  1. I have gotten sooooo much spam this year. I'm thinking about switching the dreaded captchas back on but luckily a huge number of anonymous comments go to my spam filter. I hate the broken english one that are all "this is very helpful article from you. so much good insights to this subject the best i see on the web - enlarge you penis (with hyperlink)", or better yet the spam comments asking me what to do about spam!!

  2. I wonder how many idiot/illiterate spammers will post comments?

    Krisztina, I've had the same problem. I now have to moderate all comments.

  3. I am so insignificant ,even spammers ignore me.
    Jane x

  4. Spam is the worst! I haven't even been blogging long, but I still face them. It seems they're always, frustratingly, one step ahead of the filters, sigh.

  5. Aw man, does this mean you no longer want to hear about Zombie Friday's, because I really enjoy your commentary... :(
    I really like the 'middle fingers' ecard.

  6. I feel your pain! Every single day I have to filter through my email because I never know if the spam gets picked up or not.

    It's crazy. I don't know what the benefit is for spammers of these products. Is it like telemarketing 30 years ago? What do they gain for this sort of thing?

  7. What ! you don't want half price septic system !
    Love that one and the very cute and very well trained Anti-Spam home edition gud duggie !

    cheers, parsnip

  8. Someone, somewhere, sends them money, or they'd stop doing it. That's the scary part.

  9. One day I was spammed 25 times on the same blog.

    Hugs and chocolate,

  10. And to think all this time it was "fan mail" hahaha. Most annoying some days more then others, but I love getting comments, not wanting someone to have to go through the hoops to leave me one, so SPAM it is.

  11. I've had so many before that I couldn't delete them faster than they could send them. Damn bots!

  12. This was a funny post. I love the anti spam software home edition and the example using designer watches? I keep getting one guy who writes that my posts are filled with grammatical errors and typos and of course he can't spell anything correctly so I don't think he really knows what he's talking about.

  13. LOL! I'm with you. Spammers drive me nuts, and are such an awful waste of time.

    I especially like (not) the ones that pretend to be friendly and compliment you, and the ones that post something that on the surface seems relevant, but they're really promoting some awful site or product.

    Then there are the ones that call me "Dude."

    Dear Spammer Dude (Limerick)
    By Madeleine Begun Kane

    Dear Spammers, don’t call me a “dude.”
    I’m a gal, so that sounds rather rude.
    My pic makes this clear,
    So your “dude” usage, dear,
    Proves your post should be promptly eschewed.

    Dear Spammer Dude

  14. I'm blown away by how much spam has appeared. I tried shutting down the anonymous option, but it took away the Name/URL option too and that's what most of my followers use. So, I had to add it back. And the spam has returned. I permanently delete them so they don't show on my blog, but it's so annoying. Grr!

  15. @Krisztina: they are a plague!

    @Norma: I had one here as you know, but he at least left a name. Spam, yes, but a name...

    @Jane: give it time, they'll find you!

    @LondonLulu: I've said it before: we need to develop a biological weapon that only goes after spammers.

    @M.R.: Just as long as the zombies aren't plot bunnies. Those critters are dangerous.

    @Diane: I suspect they like annoying people.

    @Parsnip: that's the kind of preventative measure we need!


  16. @Mark: yes, and the question is who...

    @Shelly: Now that's a nuisance.

    @Cindy: Unfortunately it's not fan mail!

    @Karla: they are a nuisance!

    @Eve: yesterday I got one after I posted this blog, in which the spammer called my readers brain dead individuals. I was not impressed.

    @Madeleine: would it be too harsh to infest a spammer with the Ebola virus?

    @Kelly: let's sic a rabid dog on them.

  17. I like the new word spamonality. It's far cleaner than the word I've been using.

  18. I get spam on old blogs from months ago and it usually says,"Your blog was very informative" and it's from the some auto repair company.

  19. The addendum to Shakespeare's line about lawyers: "first thing we do is kill all the spammers."

  20. I get piles of spam, too. A lot of it is selling soma. Soma? I don't even know what soma is.

  21. @Lynn: I suspect lots of people have to wash their mouth out with soap after seeing spam in their inbox...

    @Deb: they do seem to target the exact same months old blogs, don't they?

    @Scarlett and James: that's a good idea.

    @Jack: I get that regularly too. Have no idea what it is.


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.