Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

As promised, it's the cat's turn again today. And check out our joint blog, where we have a cat's point of view blog, and this feline tends to be somewhat voyeuristic by nature. Obviously not to be read with prudish eyes about!

And now, on with today's mischief....

8:25 AM. Awakened by hunger. Feeling peckish. Off in search of the staff. The fact that she's not awake yet means that she has the day off. This is a good thing. It means I have her all to myself, and she can wait on me hand and foot.

8:30 AM. Found staff still asleep in bed. Have stepped up onto her to wake her up. She's obviously deep in sleep... will have to use my claws in rhythm and draw her back into wakefulness.

8:31 AM. Staff grumbles and complains about waking up too early. Well, staff, this is what you do to me anytime you go off to that work place, so turnabout is fair play. Now, I want breakfast. Sooner rather than later, and it had better not be field rations again.

8:55 AM. Staff finally downstairs, and starts on breakfast. Initial hopes at not seeing her go for the field rations turns to confusion. She's not feeding me at all. Staff, this is unacceptable. I demand breakfast!

9:20 PM. Still puzzled by lack of breakfast. Staff does not reply to my numerous inquiries.

9: 30 AM. Staff picks me up and cuddles with me. For some reason, despite my concerns about the lack of breakfast, I find myself purring. Perhaps I'm just indulging her behaviour, but there had better be a really good meal coming out of this.

9:35 AM. I am betrayed! Staff puts me into that obnoxious cat carrier crate. This can't be good. No good comes out of being confined in one of these things...

9:37 AM. Staff doesn't listen to my repeated demands to be released.

Planning revenge....

9:40 AM. Staff picks up the carrier and I, and heads for the door. Initial expectations at escape are unlikely. Cannot dig my way out through the wall of the carrier, and even if I did, I don't have a poster of Raquel Welch to hide the progress of my work....

9:55 AM. In car. Staff listening to poor choice in music as she drives. I mean, honestly... what else can you call it when she likes music about guys who lost their wives, houses, pick up trucks, and even their dog? That's bad music!

10:10 AM. Getting really tired of hearing Garth Brooks warble on about riding a horse or losing the woman in his life, or whatever the hell his latest song is about. Thinking of destroying Garth Brooks' hat.

10:30 AM. The staff stops the car. I protest loudly, demanding to be released. She steps out, retrieves me and the carrier from the back seat, and I find myself outside of a house in the countryside. It seems strangely familiar, and it feels unpleasant. When I have my revenge, it will be absolute. Just so you know.

10:31 AM. Into the building. There are other cats in carriers, similarly confined by their own staff, who are all waiting. I can detect the scent of dog, and I hear barking in the background. There's a receptionist speaking with my staff. Oh, not this place.

How could you have brought me to the vet, staff? How dare you!

10:55 AM. Remembering that time I was here. Doctor Carter, as the staff calls her, or Doctor Vile Fiend, as I think of her, had me fixed, so to speak. My life has never been the same again.

Thinking of clawing Doctor Vile Fiend when I see her.

11:05 AM. Watching a human taking a silly looking and oddly familiar hound out. The hound looks somewhat dazed. That's typical of dogs. I hear the voice of the enemy. Oh, she sounds pleasant, sure, but wait until she starts taking out the needles.

11:25 AM. Finally escorted into a room with my staff by the receptionist. Feels sterile and antiseptic in here. Staff will not release me from the carrier prison. Staff, you will pay. Oh, will you pay...


11:40 AM. Doctor Vile Fiend opens the door and comes in. She exchanges pleasantries with my staff. To my paranoid, angry as hell mindset, it sounds more like they're conspiring against me.

11:41 AM. Staff finally opens the carrier. Doctor Vile Fiend draws me out. Looking around for an escape route. All doors closed. Curses!

11:44 AM. Doctor Vile Fiend chatters away as she pokes and prods and checks. She and my staff talk about all sorts of personal things, both about me and about themselves, as if they're old friends catching up. Traitor! Staff, how could you do this to me?

11:45 AM. Doctor Vile Fiend checks my teeth. Tempted to bite her, but for all I know, I might catch a disease from doing that....

11:55 AM. Doctor Vile Fiend asks the staff to hold me down on the examining table.

Oh, no. I think I know what's coming...

11:56 AM. Doctor Vile Fiend has just injected me with what she calls my shots. That hurts, Vile Fiend!

12:05 PM. I'll be revenged! On the whole pack of you!

12:10 PM. Doctor Vile Fiend is finally finished working me over, or as she calls it, my checkup. I managed to scratch her once, but she's a tricky one to take down. I swear, woman, if it's the last thing I do, I will have you brought up on charges of treason and war crimes. For you, Vile Fiend, are the enemy, and you must be treated as such. No mercy! None at all!

12:15 PM. Doctor Vile Fiend and the staff say their goodbyes after once again confining me in the carrier prison. They sound so amicable. Staff, you have pulled a Benedict Arnold on me. For this, I will ignore you for the next six weeks once we get home.

12:20 PM. Back in car after leaving building. Saw other cats in carriers as we were leaving. Tried to warn them about Doctor Vile Fiend. Not sure if they heard me.

1:00 PM. Back home at last. Staff lets me out of carrier prison. Finally. Glare at her in annoyance. Get used to it, staff. You take me to the vet, and you'll get hostility in return.


1:10 PM. Smell the scent of tuna.

1:12 PM. Found the source of my interest. Staff has put down a plate of tuna and a dish of milk for me. Trying to buy her way back into my good graces, is she? Well, it's not going to work.

1:13 PM. Couldn't resist any longer. Started chowing down on tuna. Yummy. Don't show too much pleasure in it, though, not in front of the staff. I'm still mad at her.

2:45 PM. Staff asks in that sing song voice, "Is Miss Bonkers still mad at me?"

Well, of course I am. And don't call me Miss Bonkers. To you, I'm Your Majesty, Supreme Protector of the Realm, Tormentor of Dogs, Slayer of Mice, and Ultimate Majestrix. Now don't you forget it.

4:55 PM. Wake up from nap. Feeling peckish.

5:55 PM. The staff is making something utterly delicious. I detect the distinct smell of delicious roast beef. I do my usual stroll around her legs thing, despite my annoyance with her over the vet. She indulges me by setting some meat on a plate for me. Oh, it's good. The staff likes to cook meat with nutmeg, sauce, and other things. I can put up with all that extra stuff.

I still think she's spoiling me not because she's obliged to, but out of compensation over the vet visit.

7:25 PM. Sleeping contentedly. You know, I think there was some wine cooked into that meat. I'm feeling slightly daft.

9:00 PM. Staff cuddles with me again. Not sure if I can ever trust her again, not after she did the same thing this morning and took me to the vet straight after.

Then she hits that spot right at my neck, and I can't help it... I start purring.

9:30 PM. Staff apologizes for taking me to see Doctor Vile Fiend today, but claims it's important for my health to get regular checkups. Promises it will be a long while before I have to go again.

It had better be, staff. Otherwise I shall be most unamused.

11:45 PM. Staff turns off television and takes me upstairs. Still feeling dismayed by staff's disrespect in taking me to see Doctor Vile Fiend.

Tomorrow, staff, we will have to have a full discussion on your appalling use of deceit to get me into that carrier prison. Never again, do you understand me, staff? Otherwise I'll just have to interview other humans to be my staff.


  1. You really do think like a cat!

    Now excuse me while I try to stop laughing!


  2. Ok, I can't decide...on which one of these kitty blogs I like the best. This one was excellent. I especially like the "traitor" part...LOL

    These just keep getting better and better. Great blog, William!

  3. Is it truly evil that I like the picture of the mouse holding the axe? :)

  4. Oh boy that Dr. Vile Fiend and the nutmeg meat sauce to get her majesty back into good graces is wonderful-- and then...the same exact spray bottle at the end. The one Fiona used to hate until she conquered it like everything else. I also love the cloning sign-results may vary, lol.

  5. Very funny love the "Death from above"
    and "Here let Daddy get it for you"

    cheers, parsnip

  6. Awesomeness. These pics are hilarious!

  7. Yep, bird feeders demand front row seats all right.

  8. Far too much sheer adorableness in one blog!

  9. @Norma: well, they are the ultimate life form on the planet, so it's good to aspire to think like them!

    @Shelly: Thank you!

    @Beth: the staff is definitely a traitor!

    @Kelly: yes it is!

    @Eve: cats know better than to trust Vile Fiends.

    @Parsnip: death from above. Good name for a cat....

    @Auden: thanks!

    @UnderCover: I hope so!

    @Cheryl: perfect spot for them!

    @Scarlett and James: you think so?

  10. These are great pictures and I'm not even a cat fan,


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