Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Sunday, June 10, 2012

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

8:10 AM. First stirrings out of sleep. Feeling hungry. Must seek out staff. Wondering why breakfast is not already waiting for me.

8:15 AM. Staff gets out of bed after I walk all over her. Grumbles to the effect that it's far too early for this. Purr to get her attention.

8:30 AM. Staff finally feeds me breakfast. Am dismayed by field rations of kibbles. Will only be satisfied by grade-A meat. Must find way to express dissatisfaction to staff.

9:10 AM. Staff remarks something about weekend. Remembering it to be day she doesn't have to go to this strange place called work. So much the better. I can be worshipped and adored by staff at leisure. If only staff would improve meals.

10:45 AM. Wake up from morning nap. Staff seems to be making tea. Tried it once. Much too hot for my liking.

10:50 AM. Staff sets down saucer of milk while she drinks tea. This is an improvement, considering the field rations I had for breakfast. Will make note of this. After lunch.

11:20 AM. Staff spends time stroking me and calling me fuzzy wuzzy for some reason. Staff, you must be reminded that I am to be referred to as Your Majesty, Supreme Protector Of The Realm, Tormentor Of Dogs, Slayer Of Mice, And Ultimate Majestrix. Do I have to remind you over and over?

12:10 PM. Staff making her lunch. Pacing back and forth, rubbing my head against her leg, trying to coax her into giving me a proper meal rather than field rations.

12:15 PM. Field rations. Not pleased at all.

12: 35 PM. Decide to take nap. Won't set alarm.

2:25 PM. Wake up from nap. Pester staff into letting me outside.

2:45 PM. Encountering neighbourhood mongrel mutt during my rounds. Must engage in epic battle to teach him who's boss.  

2:50 PM. Victory is mine! Mongrel mutt can't take a swipe from my claws across his snout without yelping and running off. Dogs are idiots.

3 PM. Stretch out on front porch, soaking up sun. Thinking of Sheryl Crow song. Very appropriate. Wondering if Sheryl Crow has cats.

3:05 PM. Mailman stops by on rounds. Leaves mail in mailbox. Strokes my belly and asks if I've been a good cat today. Wondering why dogs hate mailmen.

3:10 PM. Feeling sleepy lying in sun. Will catch a catnap.

4:35 PM. Time to wake up. Dreamed of world domination.

4:45 PM. Pester staff to let me in by ringing doorbell. As expected, plan works perfectly.

4:55 PM. Staff sprays catnip on scratching pole. Must go insane for the next fifteen minutes, consumed by my addiction.

5:20 PM. Finally coming down from catnip nuttiness. Staff heading out. Something about going for groceries. Wondering why groceries can't be delivered here.

5: 30 PM. Settled down at television. For some reason, golf is on. Can't stand golf. Must switch channel.

5:35 PM. Switched to BBC. Sneering and sullen people identified as Beckhams attending fashion show. Don't have much regard for fashion. Don't have much regard for a Beckham. Too irritable-looking. Will switch channel.

5:45. While channel surfing, stopped at MTV. Didn't this channel used to run music videos instead of reality shows?

5:55 PM. Found a nature program. Birds of the Kalahari. Wondering how to get there. They look tasty.

6 PM. Dismayed when show about flying lunch in the Kalahari ends. Show about turtles begins. Don't particularly care for turtles.

6:10 PM. Falling asleep watching CNN. Understand that's a common problem among humans. Surefire cure for insomnia, as staff calls it.

7:05 PM. Wake up from nap. Feeling hungry. Wondering where staff is.

7:15 PM. Speculating staff might have gone off on date instead of for groceries. Was under impression staff had sworn off men after breaking it off with last boyfriend. Just as well; he was a dog person. Wondering if staff might have really sworn off men and might decide to take up with a woman. Only acceptable if she's not a dog person. We can't have another one of those around.

7:35 PM. Staff comes back in with some bags. Greet her at the door by rubbing up against her legs. Try not to make her trip. She might have milk in one of those bags, and we can't have that flying about everywhere, can we?

7:55 PM. Staff puts together dinner for me. Finally gives me dish of tuna alongside field rations of kibbles. This is more like it. Would be even better if it was prime rib in a wine sauce.

8:30 PM. Staff and I sit down together to watch television. Expressing dismay that Flying Lunches Of The Kalahari ended just as it was getting good. Staff selects romantic comedy. Drat. Romantic comedy features Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey. Will roll my eyes. Don't care for either of those two.

9:15 PM. Staff still watching movie. Find myself questioning her taste in movies.

11:35 PM. Time for bed. Staff carries me up with her, cuddling away, calling me fuzzy wuzzy and Miss Bonkers. How many times have I told you, staff? I am to be addressed as Your Majesty. Oh well. Perhaps can reinforce this mentality on her tomorrow....


  1. You understand how cats think so well it's scary.

    I can't decide which pic I like best...Godzilla cat taking out the battleship, the little white kitten being told he's fat, or the kitty with the tell-all book!

  2. This certainly clears up any doubt about the whole "cats are evil cohorts of Satan" thing.

  3. Obviously if you haven't seen the dog point of view blog I did last time out, read that one too!

  4. I remember reading a "cat diary" that began: "Day 962 of my captivity..." Lol.

    Nice job! I am very much a cat person.

  5. The one (alone) on the railing is too funny! My cat does weird things like this too.

  6. I've never had a cat, so I don't have any first-hand experience, altho I am aware of many of the stereotypes. I love the big-eyed kitten with the hammer. Too cute.

  7. Love the spyware pic! Really got a chuckle of this, as always. :)

  8. Ha! I was hoping this was to come after the dog post. Much better. Love that the cat calls its owners "staff", too funny.

  9. Oh there are way too many good ones to pick a favorite. Cats are the best!

  10. That can opener picture is priceless!! Not as much as with the cats I have now, but my old cats would come running when they heard the can opener (a manual one at that!!). Of course, disappointment would wash over their faces when they realized I'd opened soup or tomato sauce and not a can of tuna...!! LOL

    As usual, these blogs never get old. I will love them forever!

  11. Sounds scarily familiar... I am slave to four cats and they have me well trained. Love the pics - the kitten with the hammer, LOL!

  12. Loved this, William! I long to be a kitty...

  13. So this made my Monday morning and made me miss my cat. She's gone now but would have also appreciated your tribute. I'm sure she's sitting on her royal pillow somewhere, smiling down at me and saying, "Just wait till she gets here and finds out that cats rule this kingdom. See how she like effing kibbles!" hehe

  14. I love 'staff' and 'field rations'! Brilliant! I adore cats so this was my kind of post! Just makes me miss having one...

  15. Loved the pictures but some of the cats need to work on their grammar, "I has no clue how it happened?"

  16. Loved it!! William, you capture cat life so expertly, it makes me wonder if you were a cat in a previous life;)?

  17. It if fits, it ships! LOL

    I sure could test that out with my own cat! She's EVIL!! :)


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