Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A Day In The Life Of Godzilla



7:05 AM. Waking up on floor of Pacific Ocean. Don't really understand reasons why giant lizard monsters can sleep underwater. Should consult with scientists about this. Assuming I'm not stomping on scientists, of course.


7:30 AM. Feeling peckish. Feeding off schools of fish just don't do much for my appetite. Time to go on land and see what's at the buffet today.


8:10 AM. Ran into Mothra while coming ashore. Fought epic battle. Beat stupid giant bug with fire breath. Why does Mothra hate me so much?


8:55 AM. Arrived in Osaka. Time to eat some morning commuters.

9:10 AM. Japanese government on full Godzilla Alert drill. Spending my time eating commuters. Yum yum yum. Would taste even better with barbecue sauce, but sometimes a hungry monster can't pick and choose.


9:25 AM. Engage in battle with Japanese military fighters. Spending time swatting them out of sky. Don't they know who they're messing with?


9:55 AM. Spot Mechagodzilla lumbering on horizon. Not that idiot. How many times do I have to destroy that thing?


10:15 AM. Engaged in brutal battle with Mechagodzilla. Osaka lies in waste at our feet as we trample through. People fleeing. Military retreating. Will destroy Mechagodzilla this time. He has it coming.


10:20 AM. Victory is mine! Mechagodzilla lies in pieces at my feet. Roaring in triumph. Let's see you come back from that, Rusty!


11:55 AM. Closing in on Tokyo. Lunch time.


12:25 PM. Making my way through Tokyo, laying waste, eating at the smorgasbord that is the city. Lots of fleeing food sources. Roaring loudly. Just another Tuesday for Big G.


12:55 PM. Engaging in battle with Rodan, who decided to show up for some reason. Must teach him some manners. Stupid flying dinosaur. Who does he think he is?


1:35 PM. Victory is mine! Have flung Rodan far out to sea. Will celebrate by continuing to trash Tokyo.


3:10 PM. Conference call with attornies. They express dismay that I continue on regular rampages, reminding me that I would be much more sympathetic if I wasn't regularly destroying cities. Or at least destroying cities that have it coming.


3:15 PM. Attornies brief me on progress of lawsuit against Devlin and Emmerich. Still annoyed that those two made a CGI version of me that didn't look anything like me. And that Godzilla is pregnant bit is a disgrace. I was laughed at by that for years by the other monsters. Attornies tell me it will take more time to sort out. Thinking of eating attornies.


3:25 PM. Finishing conference call with attornies. Japanese military returns. Along with the grandson of that meddling professor who managed to take me out the first time. I mean, come on, whoever heard of an oxygen destroyer?  Note to self: wipe out that family line. Every last one of them. They keep interfering in my rampages.


5:10 PM. Have been fighting with Japanese military for awhile. Tanks, fighters, and cannons. Apparently they just don't take a hint. I've had enough of this. Time to set them on fire.


6:55 PM. Have reached Nagano. Time to rampage and destroy some more. Feeling hungry.


7:20 PM. Rats. That big ape King Kong just showed up. How many times today am I going to be fighting someone?


7:25 PM. Involved in brutal battle against Kong. He beats his chest and roars. I roar louder. I also remind him that his little human girlfriend didn't want him. That pisses him off. Just as I expected.


7:55 PM. Victory is mine! I have blasted King Kong with fire and sent him running for the hills. Roaring in triumph! Stupid ape!


10:55 PM. Home again, deep in depths of ocean. Get call from attornies. They express concern that sooner or later the UN is going to come after me. Attornies advise me to go trash Syria as goodwill gesture, but only the government there. Would look good for public relations. When did I get stuck with attornies and have to worry about public relations?


22 comments:

  1. If I weren't already a fan of Godzilla, I would be now. He's a monster after my own heart. (I hope Sam didn't hear that. As he noted in his last blog, he roots for Rodan.)

    If he decides to go after Syria, he should take out Iran, too. How does he feel about Middle Eastern takeout?

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  2. Oh dear this is funny--perfect precursor to my upcoming post!

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  3. The rest of it was funny, but these are childhood movie memories you're dealing with: Don't drop Barney into them.

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  4. LOL...I wasn't sure it could be done, but you managed it!! I love the pic of the wife nagging him to wipe his feet!

    Yet again, another great blog!!

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  5. Poor mothra didn't stand a chance. I always thought the moth of justice was a stupid concept.

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  6. TFF! And I think Godzilla ate the keys or King Kong ran off with them.

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  7. I lost it with the comic of eating Asia but getting hungry 30 mins later! My husband is going to love this post!

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  8. They turned Spider Man into a musical on Broadway, Godzilla could be next!

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  9. I hope he got Barney this time. I hate that thing!

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  10. Of all of the monsters in this blog post, Barney is most definitely the most frightening... >shudder<

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  11. Great blog! Love the pics as always. Poor Barney! Take care!

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  12. I'm with Mark! Lose the Barney!!!!

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  13. Very funny. I like the "Where did I put my keys" one the best.

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  14. @Mark, Under Cover, Lorelai and Cheryl: Godzilla needs someone to fight, so a vile fiend like Barney fits the bill....

    @Barry and Deb: Tim Rice is writing the lyrics as we speak.

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  15. @Beth: poor humans, getting squashed by Big G....

    @Karla: I know! What were they thinking? A giant moth?

    @Shelly: just what the big ape would do...

    @Princess: I hope so!

    @Lena and Kelly: Thanks!

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  16. You're on a monster kick this week, I see. I can honestly say I've never seen anything with Godzilla in it and likely never will. Call me narrow-minded. King Kong is the closest I've come.

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  17. I love it. I was such a Godzilla fan when I was a kid. I was the only one in the fam that wanted him to beat King Kong. lol
    I often refer to myself as Momzilla when the kids start acting up. I threaten them with it... "Don't make Momzilla come out!"

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  18. Aw, poor Godzilla! He has a tough life.

    I love these 'day in the life', William!

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  19. Love the one with the action figures gathered around the map. Disturbingly cute. :)

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  20. @Christine: I've only seen the Devlin-Emmerich disaster from 1998, not the older ones, aside from brief glimpses while one or another was on the television.

    @PK: Momzilla can be dangerous!

    @Talli: poor giant beastie indeed! One more of these to go, but at least it'll be a more cuddly one...

    @EJ: that one's actually my favourite of the lot.

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