Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, June 23, 2012

A Day In The Life Of A Bear

"It's not who I am underneath. It's what I eat over the summer that defines me." ~ BatBear Begins

7:45 AM. Waking up. It's too early in the morning for this. I should really try sleeping in until noon sometime.

8:20 AM. Grouchy, grouchy, grouchy. Why can't we just hibernate all year? Oh, right. That whole starving to death if we tried that thing. Yes, well, at least those chattering birds could do me a favour and keep down the racket for a few hours. Hey, birds! Shut up while I go find myself a bite to eat.

8:45 AM. No food yet, though I do see me a camera left out on the lawn by one of those humans. Oh, come on, people, you're making it too easy.

8:50 AM. Shoved camera over. Pawed at camera. Something clicked while I was pawing it. Rats. Obviously my close up will be too close up. And probably out of focus.

9:10 AM. Success! Breakfast found! Some idiot human left garbage bag near roadway. Nice smells coming from it. Meat inside. Yum yum! Will drag it off road to have a meal.

9:20 AM. Stupid human chases me off from my find. I scarper for the woods. Hearing human muttering something about litterbugs while keeping close eye out for me. Hey, that's my food!

9:45 AM. Wondering if food might still be in reach. May have to break into garage. I've done that before, after all. Thinking back to last week. Stole that picnic basket while that park ranger wasn't looking. Stupid ranger. Thinks he can outwit me. Well, I showed him, didn't I?

10:05 AM. Return to scene of breakfast. All gone. Human has cleaned up site. Rats. Explore area. No sign of anything. Hear sounds up on deck. I think it's television inside. Wander up steps. Pause at window. Television on inside. Seeing documentaries about panda bears. Excuse me, but those aren't bears.

10:10 AM. Watching panda now being used as photo op fodder for visiting dignitary. Recognize dignitary vaguely. Have heard this human refer to him as schoolyard thug . Don't much like the sight of man. He seems very uncomfortable with panda. Had enough of this. Still hungry.

11:15 AM. Have found patch of wild blueberries. Ah, good. Time to gorge myself silly. Finally feeling awake. And really, really hungry.

12:55 PM. I think I've had too many blueberries. Oh, I'm absolutely stuffed. Nap time.

1:45 PM. Dreaming of teddy bears. Wondering why we real bears don't get a cut of the proceeds off of teddy bear manufacturing.

2:25 PM. Dream changes. Find myself being annoyed by an emo donkey who won't stop whining about how depressed and down he feels. Come on. Time to wake up.

2:55 PM. Finally waking up. Must have been something about those blueberries. Really weird dreams. Feeling like some honey.

3:05 PM. Found hive. Bees buzzing. Time to dig in.

3:50 PM. Finished gorging on honey. Stung a few times. No big deal. The yumminess of honey outweighs the annoyance of bee stings.

4:10 PM. Off again. Time to go on patrol. Might take a swim.

4:30 PM. Swimming about in Lake Tombstone. Nice and cool, takes the edge off the heat. Very important for those of us who are furry, you know. Spot canoe off to west. Two humans inside. Thinking of pulling a prank.

4:40 PM. Success! Have swum underneath canoe, knocking humans out from below and swimming away. Surfaced to hear them yelling and hollering about a lake monster. Humans can be such idiots.

5:10 PM. Swim time over. Let's see, what shall we do for dinner? Go fishing? Raid a cabin? Order out for pizza?

5:25 PM. Trying out some fishing in the river. Not much luck today. Just as well. I've had too much fish lately anyway. Feeling like something else. No, not blueberries. Had enough of that this morning, thank you very much.

6:10 PM. Wandering about. Smelling meat somewhere nearby. Yum yum. Must have it.

6:15 PM. Have located source of delicious smell. Human house has barbecue outside. No trace of humans in sight. Wandering over. One big steak on the grill, another two on plate nearby waiting to be grilled. Never could understand why humans cook food. Taking a look around. Snatching the raw steaks. Wandering off.

6:20 PM. Happily eating steak off in the woods. Hearing a human male in the distance ask "Honey, where are the other steaks?" Hah hah! Your loss!

7:25 PM. Hunger sated. Steaks were delicious. Yum yum yum.

9:30 PM. Getting late. Getting dark. Time to settle down for the night.

10:55 PM. Woken up by scatterbrained owl who rambles on and on about how much he knows. Thinking of tossing a rock at him, but it'll just miss the idiot in the dark. Plugging my ears while he chatters away about his day. Shut up, already!

Oh bother.


  1. Okay...did a double-take on those mating bears!

    Your bear buddy will finally be happy. Now, when are you doing A Day in the Life of a Moose?

  2. I'll have to think on that one!

    This Day in the Life thing's becoming a regular feature, and it'll be back again soon enough!

  3. Oh, you did it again!!! I love the one with the teddy bear protecting the child while he sleeps...and the one about polar bears playing with their food before they eat it...very funny.

    As usual, another very funny blog!

  4. Wow, they are busier than I thought. I love the Teddy Bear dreams and the blueberries. I love, love blueberries! I love my hairy bear of a husband too. Oh, oh maybe there's a connection.

  5. The whole bit about the bear finding a bag of garbage with meat in it? Actually happened. I looked out the window at my parent's home this one morning, and there's this bear between the house and the neighbour, feasting away. He ran off when my dad and I went out, and we carefully removed everything.

    We figured out some idiot tossed their trash on the side of the road earlier, and the bear dragged it away before starting in on it. The bear came back later on looking, but by then everything was tidied up.

  6. So that's what's been happening to the penguins!

  7. That was a very beary post. I could bearly bear to read it.

    Wrote By Rote

  8. Loved the Exams one. and I don't know how many times I saw the bear dropping out of the tree. However, one morning show had a similar video of a large boy dropping the same way, and kept playing them simultaniously.

    My afternoon chuckles. Thank you!

  9. Cute and funny, Sir Wills. I love bears.

  10. Love the cream filling pic. Those bears put in a busier day than I do. Time to go hibernate.

  11. The fact that you did bears makes me wonder if you saw the Pixar movie, Brave.

    Also, I saw a clip on the news today of two big black bears fighting in someone's back yard. They were both standing up on two legs. It made CNN.

  12. Best explanation for sea monster theories I have ever heard!

  13. Then they go off to sleep for six months!!! Bears got it made!

    Take care

  14. William where do you come up with these fabulous images? Bear humor appreciated. I live very close to Canada you know.

  15. That would be crazy for me to see a big bear in the wild...or a moose! The biggest thing we see in our yard here are all the deer.
    Hilareous pics!!

  16. I remember driving to work one day and a bear was running alongside my car. It was very cool and a little scary.

  17. Emo donkey?! Hey! Eeyore's my favorite.
    If you care. Which you probably don't.

  18. @Lynn: I've watched one climb a staircase onto a deck before, so stopping at the door is one step beyond that...

    @Mark: Eeyore's my favourite too...

    @Kelly: just as long as the bear doesn't expect to start driving.

    @Christina: usually the bear will dash off.

    @Moon Child: lots of googling!

    @Kitty: they certainly do!

    @Undercover: sea monsters?

  19. @Christine: I saw that clip too!

    @Karla: we could all use some hibernation time!

    @Shelly: they're adorable. Except when they're breaking into your garage.

    @Lorelai: I've had exams like that!

    @Lee: bearly there!

    @Cheryl: the penguins don't stand a chance!

    @Beth: I had to figure out a way to get teddy bears into it... I think that one with the teddy protecting the kid is priceless.

    @Eve: the bears love the blueberries too! This time of year they're in a great mood getting their fill.

  20. Love the bear photos. The Duluth, Minnesota Zoo just flooded recently and the Polar Bear escaped! Luckily, he didn't eat anyone.

  21. Loved the teddy bears protecting children
    Thank you!
    Guess I needed a Teddy bear right now….


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