Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Friday, May 25, 2012

A Day In The Life Of A Vulture

6 AM. Time to wake up. Feeling hungry. Sun coming up to east. Will look about for anything that died during the night.

6:45 AM. Circling overhead awhile. Have spotted dead raccoon. Breakfast time! Always did like the taste of raccoon first thing in the morning.

7:15 AM. Satisfied with breakfast. Will do until mid-morning snack. Off soon to visit with friends.

8:10 AM. Met Charlie and Dolores at their perch on the cliffside. Chatted about what we've had for breakfast. We vultures do tend to eat a lot of dead things.

8:30 AM. Charlie and Dolores mention watching human reading in park four days ago during their last trip. Apparently one of their younglings reading what's called a comic book, featuring a human being calling himself the Vulture. Discussing why humans would want to take on our attributes, and by extension, why such a person is a quote... villain, unquote, rather then the hero. This starts off an existential discussion on the meaning of life and death. Talk of death makes me peckish.

9:20 AM. Charlie, Dolores, and I go off in search of a snack.

10:45 AM. Success at last. Discovered elk, freshly killed by wolves. Wolves have left area, but we'll be watchful for their return. In the meantime, we can dig in. We all do so love the texture and taste of freshly killed elk.

11:20 AM. Finished eating our fill of elk. Charlie, Dolores, and I talk about that time last fall when we hadn't had any dead thing to eat in a day or two and came across that freshly dead skunk roadkill. Eating that was something of an ordeal. Took weeks for the stench to wear off. Note to self: only eat skunk in dire circumstances. Meat tastes good, but the smell is atrocious.

12:10 PM. Bid goodbye to Charlie and Dolores. Off to find lunch.

12:50 PM. Success. Have found dozens of lemmings at base of cliff. Rumors that they do commit suicide in mass numbers are in fact true. All the better for me. Always did like the taste of dead lemmings. Even better dipped in a lemon sauce, but since I'm a vulture and can't make lemon sauce, will have to eat them as is.

1:20 PM. Finished eating. Quite tired. Feel like a nap. Will snooze a long while.

3:40 PM. Wake up from nap. Descending from cliff to look for afternoon snack.

4:05 PM. Come on. Where can a hungry vulture find a tasty morsel?

4:45 PM. Somewhat annoyed. No sign of anything dead to turn into snack.

5:50 PM. Finally found potential meal, but may have to wait. Was almost set to start panicking when I came across stranded hiker in woods. Waiting for him to expire so that I can start eating. Hiker is prone on his back, unresponsive to pecks, but I can still see breathing going on. Hiker must be five days away by foot from civilization. Wondering if hiker would be missed. Impatient for hiker to stop breathing. Don't want to start on him while he's still alive.

6:40 PM. Hiker finally dead. Confirmed heartbeat no longer occuring. Unresponsive in all other ways. Dinner time is long overdue. Have compensated for lack of afternoon snack by getting full sized freshly dead human all to myself. Yum yum.

8:00 PM. Gorged myself on dead hiker. Ate my fill until fully stuffed. Still much of him left. Wondering if there will be any more of him left in the morning when I come back. Thoroughly delicious. Contemplating standing guard over food for the night. Don't want my prize picked over by other scavengers.

11:45 PM. Kept guard over remains of hiker. Chased off Frank, who's an annoying vulture to begin with and never shares anything anyway. No one likes him, so he won't bring backup. Time to settle down for the night. Well, maybe a few bites more for a late night snack. Yum yum.


  1. The pic for Tobermory, Crawford Lake, Rattlesnake Point, and Hilton Falls has to be very close to where I grew up. I know the last three places very well, and I've been up to Tobermory...

    I'll have to check it out next time I'm in the area.

  2. My first time visiting your site. I love the humor. I can't say I've ever quite read anything like the vulture cartoons, though. And? I loved them! I think they may be an "acquired taste". Pun probably intended. Hmmm. I wonder what's in the fridge? I need a snack.

  3. Lol!! Oh my. So I guess vultures are a big problem in that area? We have quite a few in the country part of MD, and surprisingly some of them are actually pretty birds! Took me a sec to figure out they were vultures at all. The ones I've seen down south are disgusting.

  4. Where do you find these thing? LOL

  5. I didn't think you'd be able to wait on the vulture blog!

    Your imagination never seems to have a quiet moment ...I can only imagine what's next!

  6. Vultures are nature's garbage disposal, I guess... Turkey vultures poop on their legs to cool off, eewww. Don't know if all vultures have that lovely habit or not.

  7. Oh My Goodness... so glad I wasn't eating or drinking while I read this.... computer and screen safe, so funny !
    Except I find myself suddenly in need of a nosh.

    cheers, parsnip

  8. Love the vulture pictures. We have 100's of Turkey Buzzards around here. I always see them flying around in circles. I don't want to know what they're waiting for. Maybe it's that lost hiker I read about.

  9. The sad part is that this story describes some people I know ...

  10. That was a good vulture post.

  11. Ah, the life of a vulture!

  12. Very funny and so much information about vultures. It's like Mad Magazine meets National Geographic!

  13. I love vultures!!! I cannot believe they'd go for a car though - then again they like dead things so I suppose a car is pretty dead looking to them from above!

    Take care

  14. @Christina: they're often on the cliffs of the Niagara Escarpment.

    @Theresa: I'd wondered if anyone would have an appetite after reading this one!

  15. I LOVE your bird post- made me laugh after being attacked by that blasted bird the other day.

  16. I suppose vultures have to eat too.


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